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So like many of us, I love fem clothing. Nothing better that a cute bra, or short skirt, or that perfect pair of heels. Just so every time i look in a mirror i feel like a freak. If I could magically click my heels and turn into a real girl I would in a second. I guess I am to concerned what other people think of me. If I could remotely pass I would i love it, but sadly I can't. I never post here, after 10+ years, just thought I should rant for some reason.
YOU ARE NOT A FREAK. Check to see if there is a transgender group near you and see what you can do to meet with others *like* *us*. I've spent too much of my life worrying about what others think about me, and it was very freeing to learn that my opinion was what matters. More freeing was learning to accept myself. (Therapy helps.) Remember also that cisgender women also struggle with the fact that they don't look like the idealized images society bombards us with. You are just fine.
We all progress at our own pace. Take your time and for the most part, just have fun being you.
And no you are not a freak.
Cynthia
I understand completely! Although some may say I look "ok" dressed to the nines, I still feel like a freak. In fact I had a dream of my late father last night being disappointed in me. I loved my dad deeply and thought the world of him. In this dream I decided to show up to a family member's wedding as Jasmine in a favorite dress of mine. He was so deeply and thoroughly disappointed and embarrassed by me , he never wanted to see me or talk to me again. When I woke up I thought, "what a waste of time that was." I was disappointed in myself for using the image of a loved one to convey my own unsureness of society's view about me. Like my dad use to say, life is tough. It isn't fair most of the time. This probably didn't help, but I just wanted yo say, ....I understand.
When I was a teenager I thought I looked like a girl even without trying. However as I've aged I've become much more masculine - and large. Now there is no way I could remotely pass. I admire those who can do that, but I will never will. It really doesn't bother me. I still love the clothes. I love the sensations they bring. I can be happy with my masculine side too.
I don't dress in public, and only my wife knows I dress. Fortunately she understands that I dress because it makes me happy, and not because I'm trying to pass as a female.
So stop looking in the mirror!! It's not how you look... it's how you feel.... I stopped feeling like a freak in the 10th grade when i found an article in Look magazine about the Transvestites in NYC... I realized that I was not alone! So if there were others out there, how could I be a freak? Maybe a little kinkyish..... but not a freak!
It's all about your attitude. I have a typical male triangular shape with broad shoulders and no hips to speak of. Large hands and extra large feet. I spent years being mortified about these remarkably male traits. Then I decided to archive those insecurities. It didn't take long to understand that it's all about attitude. When you are confident and secure, you transmit positive energy that makes you seem a lot more attractive than you could ever imagine. I have experienced this time and time again over the past four or five years. There's no silver bullet but you have to learn to love yourself and go from there.
I'm six foot and 200 lbs. No way I am going to pass in daylight. I do go for evening drives and strolls when the opportunity presents itself. My comfort zone is in-home. I also make a point of not gazing into a mirror. I do have a full length mirror which seems to do fine as long as I do not get too close.
To paraphrase the spoon boy in the Matrix movie, Do not try to pass, that's impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth...there is no need to pass. Then you'll see that it is not how you think others see you, it is only how you see yourself."
Many GGs do not do what they could do to look their best. Due to obesity, poor choice in clothing that matches their body type and wearing little or no makeup, they have lowered the bar for everyone, including CDs. It it much easier to look like the typical woman today than it was 40 or 50 years ago. Then the typical woman was less than 5'4" and less than 130 lbs. many, if not most GGs today would not make that "idealistic standard of the '60's.
I've gone to the Keystone Conference ten times and there's nothing better than hanging out with 700 freaks like us.
Relax and do what you can to make you feel good. There are wonderful under garments, plenty of things to buy in the women's department of shops and op stores. You can do a lot without coming out fully.
Skirts chosen wisely will cause little or no comments,; be careful not to over-emphasise your breasts; and please tuck properly.
This is my method, adopted over many years and I know it works.
Erin,
It still doesn't work for me without makeup and wig , even now , I hardly look at myself in the mirror in nale mode .
This is really an unfair statement. I grew up in the 50's and many women where I lived, only dressed up or put on makeup to go downtown, not to stay home. There were all sizes and shapes of women back then, same as now. Not everyone was a CDer's idea of a the cute, slim, ideal woman. Not all men looked like James Bond either. However, no matter what size men or women were, they had to go out and live their lives. If anyone thinks they have to "look" a certain way in order to go out, some people would never leave the house.Quote:
Many GGs do not do what they could do to look their best. Due to obesity, poor choice in clothing that matches their body type and wearing little or no makeup, they have lowered the bar for everyone, including CDs
My point is, if you feel that you want to dress and go out, just do it. There are all sizes and shapes of all people. As long as you go with a smile and confidence, the clothes become secondary to how the real world should see you.
Thank you, Char. You almost took the words out of my mouth, but they were your words and coming from a GG need to be taken with a great deal of consideration that it just might be the way it really is.
Erin, perhaps you are using an idealized image of what a woman should look like and that is leading you down a path to a dark and disappointing place. Your sense of seeing a "freak" in the mirror may be due to your not quite having reached a point of full acceptance of who you are in terms of gender. I avoided mirrors like crazy years ago when I got into female-like mode. I stayed in the world where my self image was based on a fantasy. It was all driven by being ashamed of being different and being capable to feel and experience things in a more female-like way.
But once I came to accept this aspect of myself and moved beyond the shame I began to see him transformed into a her that looked a bit masculine, but still showed a lot of womanliness. What happened is that I went out and observed women by the hundreds, even maybe thousands. I paid attention to not only the ones that exuded femininity, but the other women who did not. I was amazed by how many women have somewhat male-like aspects to their appearance. Maybe a facial shape or form, or large hands with fat fingers (my mother being a fine example), big feet, a figure that was more like a deformed hourglass. And all of those seemed to be perfectly happy.
Most of us are like you. It just takes a little more effort to soften those masculine features, but most of us could never pass for a woman in a closer examination. I suggest you try to change your perspective of yourself - you are a male, but that does not mean you cannot be presentably female. Being passable is really a bit of a fantasy; but being presentable as female-like is entirely possible and if you look around at women, all women, you will find a lot that are not really passable if by passable is meant something spectacularly beautiful. There really are not very many of those. Most are rather plain, but inside they are as female as the greatest supermodel, maybe more so.
Karren is right. It is what you feel inside that is important; not what you show outside. Try accepting those feelings as being the genuine you, rather than some idealized image of what you "should" look like to be passable.
How offensive!Quote:
Originally Posted by Sometimes Steffi
According to the CDC men and women have both changed since the 60s women up 18.5 % and men 19.5 % and yet you attack women.
I astounds me sometimes the things CDs say on this forum.
For CDs who say they want support understanding they sure are critical of women. We see posts all the time here how much nicer the cd says they looks than the wife. You would think reading here that CDs hate women.
I am appalled.....
To the o p ....the most important thing in this post
You are not a freek, it is more common than you think you are not alone .
Think of it as a gift. Maybe befriend some here, get tips to help you look how you want . Just be you there is nothing wrong. Accept yourself and try to stop the negative thoughts towards yourself . Best wishes .
I'm with Karren. It's how I feel not how I look.:battingeyelashes:
Ineke
Erin, it's most important that you are happy being you. You are not a freak.
:Angry3: This is unbelievably insulting. Perhaps you think they need "expert" advice from you....Quote:
Originally Posted by Sometimes Steffi
We can't be thinking like this.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sometimes Steffi
We regularly praise the non-judgement of the newer generations and sometimes lament not having been born alongside them, but this kind of thinking does the opposite.
And the rest of us do the same in-house with our spectrum inequality ( check the gallery ).
Some of the most non-Jameses have some of the most unfair expectations.Quote:
Originally Posted by char GG
Supporting those guys by thinking the same is self-defeating because they are the main ones holding back progress for acceptance of what we do here,.. and we fall even further short of those expectations ( unless, of course, one happens to be one of those fortunate CDers who steps out of bed in the morning already meeting those standards :whistling: ).
- L.
Copied:
I just don't know
So like many of us, I love fem clothing. Nothing better that a cute bra, or short skirt, or that perfect pair of heels. Just so every time i look in a mirror i feel like a freak. If I could magically click my heels and turn into a real girl I would in a second. I guess I am to concerned what other people think of me. If I could remotely pass I would i love it, but sadly I can't. I never post here, after 10+ years, just thought I should rant for some reason.
My 2 cents:
I looked at some of your previous posts, I do not see posts asking about what I consider more important issues. I do see your age, but no mention of what age you 1st put on your 1st article pdf female clothing? I see a lot of post concerning buying cloths.
My 2 cents:
Based upon your post your are not a crossdresser, since you indicate you would like to be a female totally.
You are more than a crossdresser.
Please do not stay away from the forum for another 10 years, search and read posts. Do you have a SO? SO knowledge of your issues?
The magically pill, etc does not exist. But learn to manage your desires / needs. What is in your brain that matters.
Their very / very few that can pass as female.
With that said my brain says I am female and in my opinion always had. It took me a long time to manage my issues inside me. Outside we can only do what best for us and SO / family. At 65 years old, their are still changes going on with both in my brain and my body.
I started back before I can remember, but I know I dressed before I wore my 1st pair of panties at age of 4 or 5 +/-.
The 1st pair of panties is my moment that put the icing on the cake. One of my friends she and I wore the same age and we switched male / female underwear. The light bulb lit up. Puberty was bad for me, I hated my body, all I could think about was why my body was not female.
I wear undergarments and cloths every day to manage my brian to amount of female articles vary based upon what my Brian needs to be satisfied. Do I fully dress daily: NO, but do dress daily and shave regularly.
I am confident that nobody on this site would consider you a freak. We all share similar feelings here, that is why we share our thoughts and feelings on this site. No question that your (and most of us here) have had similar feelings. Sharing your feelings and thoughts here is a good thing. I am betting you will find over time that knowing that you are not alone with these feelings by visiting this site will prove beneficial. We all have to find our best method to deal with the desire to be enfemme. You will likely find what is best for you. Best wishes.
It is quite understandable that you want to pass.
But, from the perspective of those around you, they would like to be treated with respect.
Which means dressing appropriately and treating people around you kindly.
A short skirt may be inappropriate at the mall, but you may blend in at a water park or the beach.
Most service jobs dealing with customers are hard. But the day goes faster when customers look nice and there are no issues in helping them get what they want.
Marion
Erin, I want to thank you for your post. You put into words things that I have been feeling recently. And thank you everyone for your responses to Erin?s post.
I guess for me it?s a journey of exploration. I just retired and moved to a new location where there is a group for transgender people nearby. I?m looking forward to the time when they can meet together again so I can continue the journey of exploration with them. I?ve been to one zoom meeting and hope to get to another one soon but I really want to just be with people who will recognise this one truth - it?s OK to be me.
I?ll never pass either and I?ll never be the attractive young woman I wish I could be. But I can be me, and you can be you, and that?s all we can be.
You do not have to "pass". Passing, as in "actually being mistaken for a cis woman", is a myth. What other people will think of you matters only if you let it, and the plain fact is that most don't care. They'll just treat you as the person you present. A few will go out of their way to express support, and yes, a very few will be disrespectful. I live for those encounters.
We are not freaks. But we are different from the bulk of the population. So people do notice us and some are taken aback, especially if they've never seen a MIAD before. It's something we have to accept, for now. In time, as more men feel empowered to be out in public while dressed, the public will get used to seeing us as unique but not threatening. It must be a bit jarring to see a man, over 6ft tall and 300 lbs, in a skirt and 4 inch heels, for the first time. I'm talking about me specifically now. And I am quite out of the ordinary. How do I not die inside from that? First, I'm at the age where life is too short to worry what others think. Second, I KNOW, beyond a shred of a doubt, that my best look is feminine. So, I'm able to let the chips fall where they may. I believe that, in so doing, I'm helping to make it easier for the next guy to get out there dressed in the way that makes him happy. My style mentor tells me that I have had that effect on people, but I haven't seen it directly.
This statement is bizarre .. the misogyny in here can be incredible at times ..Quote:
Originally Posted by Sometimes Steffi
I am 5'6.5" and weigh 118 . Believe me the bar is not lowered, you simply can' see it ..
Thanks Char and Di for having the GG's backs.
Its no wonder some here complain about lack of sex . The ways of thinking I just do not understand at times .
OP - Aunt Kelleys , Lydianne , Karren , Gretchens advice is great . Really all of it . Confidence is such a door opener ( literally) . Owning it stops alot of issues from even starting . YOU do YOU .
To consider Steffi's comments we need to look at some background to the way people present themselves in public these days .
At one time most men would wear a shirt and tie and hopefully clean their shoes to take their wife /partner out for the evening , women would respond to that and dress up with nicely applied makeup and hair done , OK to some it may sound old fashioned but going out was special for many people . The process was gradual but where a smart resturant wouldn't allow jeans , Tshirt and trainers the quick food outlets did , so dress code became more informal , at one time informal didn't mean scruffy , nowdays it doesn't appear to matter . The husband may get home from work and suggest they eat out but doesn't bother to change out of work clothes possibly not even having a shower after work . It's very easy to say , " OK if he can't be bothered to smarten himself up what's the point of me bothering !" Eventually no one can be bothered , I'm sorry Steffi it's not women have become lazy with their appearance the blame mostly lies with the menfolk . I'm always intrigued to see a group of women go out for the evening , they actually dress up more than they do for their husbands , I rest my case !
As for lowering the standard for CDers , that's crap because most are in the closet anyway !
Hi Erin :hugs:, Stop and look around, GG's come in all shapes & sizes, >Orchid**!:daydreaming:!**
Steffi, some crossdressers do not do what they could do to look their brightest either. The misogyny of your post is appalling. Fortunately GGs don't care about your opinion when choosing their clothes.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sometimes Steffi
Several GGs were clearly offended about what I stated about obesity, so rather than just accept my assertion, look at the facts.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dutchess
I was even called a misogynist.
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the definition of misogyny is:
Definition of misogyny: hatred of, aversion to, or prejudice against women.
Since I was stating a fact, not an opinion, I do not feel that it qualifies as misogyny.
In the last 20 years the percentage of obese people in the United States has increased from approximately 20% of the population in 1997 to about 30% of the population in 2018.
Feel free to discuss this among yourselves, but this is my last response on this subject.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dutchess
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sometimes Steffi
Hmm . . . "Nation's Capital" :thinking:.
Just out of interest, on which side of the debate were you about the "Washington Football Team's" former name?
- L.
There was a debate? About the Washington Football Team's former name?
Even though I've lived in the Virginia suburbs for more than half my life, I still root for the home teams from where I grew up. I'll give you a big tip: Patriots, Red Sox, Bruins and Celtics. I used to go to Red Sox and Bruins Games quite regularly.
<Mods: Here is where it may get to political. Feel free to delete it. I apologize in advance>
As to the Washington Football Team's former name, I don't have a horse in that race.
<If I haven't veered too much into politics already, anything else I say will be deleted by the mods.
@ Sometimes Steffi:
Many thanks for the response.
I appreciate the generous tip, thank you! :hugs:.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sometimes Steffi
. . .
Now let me give you a tip 😉:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sometimes Steffi
You stated that you weren't going to comment any further about misogyny; therefore, I changed the subject matter. That's all it was :strugglin.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sometimes Steffi
- - - - - - - -
You not having a stake in the team name is perfect! I had assumed that you didn't, otherwise this would not have worked:
I was actually checking to see whether you understand the mechanics of the more subtle form of hate-speak when you are not in the group receiving it.
- The Native Americans repeatedly made it known that the former name of the team was offensive to them.
- In response, not only did the owner of the team initially try to resist changing the name, but by insisting that he doesn't view the name as offensive, in his opinion, but rather as an 'honour' to them, he was also trying to manipulate and dictate to the Native Americans how they should be feeling about it...
A bit like you're doing now.
The natal females in our community are incredibly reserved. There is so much they could intervene into, but they hold back patiently.
. . And then you wrote this...
And two natal females ( some of us actually counted three ) told you it was offensive. They weren't asking you whether it was offensive; they were telling you.
If you couldn't see what it was that they took offense to, then maybe alarm bells should have rang when it lit a fire under them collectively after they had been so reserved for so long. That can't be a coincidence.
And then the definitions and statistics to try and dictate to them how they should be feeling instead.
One additional thing:
For someone that places as much value into statistics as you do, I am astonished about your non-appreciation of fair-testing:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sometimes Steffi
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sometimes Steffi
2nd Quote link: https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...=1#post4454748
By definition, a M2F transformation is a makeover.
Heh, if we had a comparable number of natal females in this community experimenting with different makeovers, makeup, wigs, clothing, shapewear, all the things we have at our disposal, and to the extent that we do, and then posting their results in the gallery, do you seriously believe we could keep up with them?.. Are you kidding me?.. We'd get s-c-h-o-o-l-e-d! :facepalm:.
Dutchess said it. We can't see the bar. Because this is a supportive community, we're shielded here.
You're trying to compare your makeover look to those natal females' fetching-the-groceries look.
It's not a level-terms comparison.
- L.
p.s.
To the OP: Apologies for the thread hijack, but I think most of us can appreciate the importance because, considering the understanding that the trans umbrella is hoping for from the general public, we need to be showing the same empathy to others. Many members here readily acknowledge ( and are proud thereof ) that most of the acceptance they get in public comes from women.
Lydianne,
I really do agree with you last paragraph , I my current thread " Another great day " says it all .
How many also acknowledge that their shopping experience is hightened by the kind , accepting words of female SAs or other female customers .
The one point that I acknowledge from Steffi's comments is obesity is on the rise across many countries but it's not gender specific , the biggest worry is obesity in children .
Mod note
If anyone wants to answer Sometimes Steffi please take it to p m
And the post go back to the OP and helping her.
Yes I was appalled at Steffi comments as well and commented but many are addressing Steffis comments only taking the thread off course .
I think Steffi sees how offended many are at her comments.
Address the OP helping her only from here on out or they will deleted .
Let’s get this back on track.
Erin,Quote:
Quote from Erin:
I guess I am to concerned what other people think of me. If I could remotely pass I would i love it, but sadly I can't.
As others here will tell you, what matters most is how you feel about yourself and not be concerned about what other people think.
So when you look in the mirror, have you shaved? Covered any beard shadow with makeup? Are you wearing a wig? Earrings? How about breast forms and hip and butt padding?
Most of us aren't going to ever pass as real women, especially if others get a good long look at us, but we can try. And some of us will pass to those just passing us on the street or in the mall.
Some of the younger folks coming along don't seem to understand this, but in life, we have to accept certain things and do the best we can under the circumstances. Take photos and videos and study them to see what you can do to make yourself look and act more feminine. Learn to do makeup and learn what hair and clothing looks the best on you.
And then enjoy yourself.
Just be confident in who you are and don't try to be someone else's image.
Everyone is entitled to a rant every now and then.
I feel the same doubts, fears, insecurities and pessimisms expressed in the OP, even after successful (my definition) outings in the world beyond my home.
Its ok to set expectations at your personal comfort level. If you can’t feel comfortable, choose a level where you feel least at risk.
Erin, if you want to vent, vent all you want. If you want advices to get better at this game, we will try to help you, and by "we" I mean GGs too on this forum.
As for passing, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I don't think many, if any, of us would "pass", even remotely. It's one thing for some to get the perfect lighting and angle in a certain picture and give the illusion, another to be able to move, act, speak (or even dress!) like a genetic woman and not be clocked by anyone intently looking at you. I probably would want to blend, not pass, if I wanted to go out. I don't know if you do yourself. So I can only speak from my indoor CD experience.
I would never pass. And I don't care! I have tons of fun. I dress twice a year. Yesterday was one (and now I'm closed for a long Summer hibernation). I dressed in my two favorite dresses and shoes and tried my brand new $25 hip forms. Too big! The famous syndrome of curvy hips with skinny legs -> the lower part of the dress hangs like from a coat hanger :) So they're currently squashed under a pile of books for a little size adjustment. I did my usual complex makeup routine with 18 steps, looked okay from a distance and ugly up close, got horrified by a few close shots, went back to the bathroom, removed all the makeup and started all over again, this time using much less coats and products, and going very light on the foundation for a more "me" look, taking the 50 min routine down to 20 min. Also no attempt this time at covering the lower eyebrows for reshaping. I lost a pound in the process and got a natural look that is ten times better (no "clown" effect on close shots). I took a few pictures in a mirror with natural light and got a couple I really like and could show to my wife if she wanted to, without feeling ridiculous. I took a few pics with the wig off then on to watch the miracle of this stern look transforming into a soft one by the magic of lush hair (the difference is really astonishing). I watched my body in the mirror as I walked, moved and even danced in these sleek outfits I can never wear in male mode. I didn't think I would pass for a second, but thought I looked fantastic nonetheless and thoroughly enjoyed my time. I ended this with my usual lounging session, reading a book with the delicate sensation of these beloved clothes hugging me and making me feeling special. As my wife and I are splitting the flat when I do this (she isn't involved in my dressing per mutual agreement) and she is under stress during these long hours, I texted her a kiss. This was the first time I did that. I was happy and had to tell her I loved her, to share this moment with her.
Like others said, just be you. Pamper yourself, take care of yourself. This is your moment, during which you should forget about all the troubles of the world.
My advice: get help from GGs here. Take pictures of yourself from the neck down (if you don't want to show your face) and ask them for advice. They will be happy to help you. They are the ones who know how to dress as a woman, whether to go shopping, walking the dog under the rain or nightclubbing. Passing or not passing, with the right clothes and advices, there's no way you can't obtain a look that will please you.
hello Erin,
I don't look in the mirror - but when I am dressed and look down I see a man at peace with his true nature.
We are not freaks and we are doing nothing wrong!
stay healthy,
luv J
My body is OK. It's my face and voice that I wish I could make more feminine. And my hair, of course. As for my face, as Anthony Euwer wrote in a set of limericks about parts of the body that he titled "Limeratomy":
As a beauty, I'm not a great star.
There are others more handsome by far.
But my face, I don't mind it,'Tis the folks in the front that I jar!
Because I'm behind it:
Erin, after my first year of CDing my mirror image bothered me so much I almost quit!:doh:
I could replicate a female figure ok, but it was topped by a homely, old, male face!:eek:
However, after 10 years of working on my looks on my own in my vacuum of a closet, I came up with Sherry and joined this site. A look I've become quite happy with!:daydreaming:
If u REALLY want to look attractive bad enuff? There r a 1000 things u can do and tricks u can learn!:devil:
After all, I'm 77!:battingeyelashes:
[QUOTE=erin8042;4514277] ... Just so every time i look in a mirror i feel like a freak. ...[/]
Yeah, I know the feeling. But then I put on a wig, some makeup and a cute dress and I think "Ahhh! Back to normal!" :)
I hope the mods will let this post remain.
I understand that I seriously offended many of you with my original post. That was not my intent.
I'd like to sincerely apologize to all of those that I offended. I hope some of you forgive me.
I solved most of my problem, by covering the only two mirrors in my house. Made it even a bit better, by printing out a portrait of a pretty woman that I would like to look like, and taping THAT to my mirror.
So I only see what I can, from my eyes. I see long, pretty hair, a nice dress, body contoured with breasts, flat tummy, nice legs, heels, girly watch, bracelet on the other hand, polished nails complete the look.
I can't tell from what I see, that I am not female.
Greatly relieves the GID.
As I couldn't pass during a solar eclipse at midnight on a full moon in the bottom of a coal mine, I just don't go out dressed in girl clothes. So I just use my imagination, and in my mind, I become the woman I thought I would be when I grew up.
Jimi sez, "Let your freak flag fly!"
Hi Erin,
Stop! You are not a freak! IMHO passing is all about confidence. With confidence comes acceptance. Baby steps will help build confidence.
The mirror plays tricks on me. When I look in the mirror I always see a pretty girl looking back. When I take a picture....let's just say I can crack a few lenses. The reality of my picture doesn't stop me from going out in a hybrid mode. When I'm out in this mode, I feel good about myself which gives me the confidence to own it.
Have fun on your journey!!,