Sad day. A new beginning.

Hello my ladies. I?ve posted before and come on to read from time to time but honestly it breaks my heart to see my position and read about all of you who have such great accepting wives.

As of last night my wife has left me for good. For so long we have tried to make the best of our situation but she cannot and will not accept my dressing.

The choice was my dressing or my wife. I chose my wife and it still seems like an obvious choice but like a drug addict, I could not stop. I tried but the occasional panty under my clothes or some hidden underwear were found only to make everything worse.

Today is honestly one of the the saddest days in my life. I am left alone with my clothes. I look at my stuff and it just seems like I?ve lost so much because of it. I love my wife. But she cannot accept me for who I am. And the lies of trying to hide everything is what made everything fall apart.

As sad as today is, please do not think I would hurt myself or anyone else.

I’m sorry things didn’t work out as you hoped. One door closes, another opens.

Hi Tiffany,

Sorry to hear that.

Marion

My first wife was the same way, I thought I would louse the crossdressing need if I got married at the age of 25 but it didn?t happen and it started a bad marriage that lasted 9 years before we divorced. That too was the worst time of my life times I cried day and night hated myself for my selfish need to crossdress. Year and half later I met my second wife, First date I told her that I was a crossdresser and I was so nervous she could see it was something that I couldn't control and she was ok with it. We are married 28 years and still going strong. You will find a good woman it takes time and just be honest with her. Sorry for your pain.

I have clumsily brought two long marriages come to an end. I’m told that it takes two people to wreck a marriage, but I can’t help assuming the majority of the blame in either case. I wish I had worthwhile advice to offer, but I have nothing, except that the sun will rise again tomorrow and you will make your way because you have to.

PS: Many (perhaps most) people that have experienced divorce will have a tendency to project their situation onto yours. Remember, each situation in unique, so be wary of the experience of others.

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I?m sorry things didn?t work out as you hoped. One door closes, another opens

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When Ive read your post this is what I first thought too.

Tiffany, I'm very sorry indeed to hear of your loss. It's even worse since you have a daughter. The only thing you can tell yourself is that if someone can not or will not accept you for who you are, even after an eleven-year marriage, that person is not for you.

I don't suppose you ever got your wife into couples therapy, did you? From what you'd said in past posts I imagine she would continue to refuse any discussion of the topic. It might have helped if she'd had some therapy for her own issues that you've mentioned, but I guess she didn't. Anyway she didn't keep her end of the bargain. Nearly four years ago you said she told you it was OK for you to dress in private. So you had a DADT, which you did your best to keep, including the "don't tell" part. Yet she's walked out on you anyway. So you can't go blaming yourself for this. You are who you are.

If she won't change her mind, my best hope is that after you've healed from this blow, you'll be free to find a more accepting partner, then you won't be forced to live this uncomfortable life any more. In the meantime, though it may seem small compensation, at least you can breathe a sigh of relief because you're not forced to keep pretending any more. As Janis Joplin sang: "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose." Until better things happen, take good care of yourself!

Tiffany, you have my sympathy. I've been there. I couldn't fault my ex for no longer wanting me, though; we don't get to choose what turns us on, or turns us off. I understand well, that for her, it was just such a turn off, that she didn't want to live with me anymore.
I hope having your friends will be enough, for you to carry on, and manage to deal with this.

I don't understand the other door opening; I've been waiting 22 years for that other door to open, and it still seems welded shut.

Tiffany, I?m really sorry to read what you have written. I don?t think words help much in times like this but do keep on keeping on.

Tiffany, I'm sorry to hear that your marriage has reached its end. I know how bad it can hurt.

I know it's not much help, but there are a lot of us here who sympathize with you and wish you all the best.
You're not alone.

Tiffany

I am really sorry for your situation. Although some do have accepting wives, I am not one of those. I am definitely at risk of having the same thing happen to me. I just try to keep it out of site and out of mind so to speak.

The good thing is that there are accepting people out there. I know for sure that if I ever had to start my life over again, I would be up front with it as early as possible with a potential partner.

Thanks for sharing your story and hurt because it has to be difficult for you. Your story does highlight that some can never accept the dressing. No wonder some of us are so fearful about coming out.

Good luck, better days will be coming so hang in there.

Sandi

Tiffany,
My 45 year marriage ended just over three years ago , so I know what you're are going through , my wife also couldn't live with my TG issues and I couldn't live without them . Time is a healer so now I have a good relationship with my ex wife and I still have my children and grandchildren .

Seeing the clothes is not the real reason , if you have dysphoria you have to find ways to live with it , the clothes will end up being your support to get through this so please don't purge them out of guilt because the underlying feeling won't go away .

Don't beat yourself up over it , try and see there is a new life ahead , I'm now full time and have no regrets .

I agree a great deal with what Lori and Sandi offered. It appears that you tried to reach some kind of middle ground, but her position remained quite rigid. Sometimes that one sided adjustment works, but not often. Either can adapt, but it is best when there is coordinated adaptation so nobody has to overhaul their entire sense of self to satisfy the other. In the long run, that rarely works. It is difficult right now and there is no way to avoid that, but you do have to meet at least a minimum of being able to be you. Not everything is a choice; some things are required and with those, flexibility can be hard to come by with regard to some things. It is sad that she feels the way she does, but she has a minimum as well and perhaps the combination of both of your minima just didn't match.

Your identity, your sense of self (who you are), is something that is very hard to bend very much. But it is the same way for her. And you each had and have expectations for each other. They never mesh perfectly - everybody is different - and bending two senses of self to match sometimes is just not possible when it comes to critical aspects of our individual lives. Some things can't be deleted. It leaves a gaping hole in your sense of self and that hole is where something fundamental to you existed. You can patch it, but you cannot replace it with something else and realistically expect that patch to replace what was lost. In other words, "You gotta be you." The fundamentals cannot be ignored.

Take care of yourself. No rush to find a new mate. You do need to mourn the marital collapse. Compatible answers for you will come. There are others here who have gone through this and are better for the result. Teresa is a fine example of a good adjustment. That said perfection is hard to come by. You might want to contact others here who have gone through this successfully.

I see Teresa popped in here. Listen to her and consider what she says carefully.

So sorry to hear. Sending strength.

Tiffany,

I am sorry to hear about your loss. Take life slowly and keep moving forward. As time goes by hopefully you will heal and grow from the loss.

Best wishes!

Hi Tiffany,

Strangely enough, the same thing happened to me last night. My boyfriend told me at the beginning that he couldn't accept my dressing and that I would have to stop doing it, even when he wasn't around. I had agreed to stop dressing and did for a while, but last week I slipped and ordered some new panties and stockings. He found out somehow (wouldn't tell me how) so he became violent, shook me and said, "Be a man!" Well, I know I don't want to be that man, that person that's masculine and gruff. He told me to throw away what I had ordered, and this time I refused. He told me, "I can't invite you over to see Momma knowing what you do." It made me realize that I need someone who accepts me and loves me for who I am, not someone who is ashamed of me. From now on, I'll be much more open about my dressing with potential mates, and hopefully, I'll find someone who likes it.

Tiffany, i am truly sorry for you that this has happened. :sad:

Tiffany, first, sorry to hear your marriage is in peril, perhaps lost, maybe not. Before posting a comment I did go back to read your previous threads. Even if your marriage ends, your wife and you have a child. Based on your previous posts I guess she is about eleven. Basically, your relationship will not totally end. There is custody and visitation issues if there is divorce.

On January 20,2017 you did make the comment your wife had been molested as a child. That fact makes her response to your cross dressing more understandable. Has she ever sought counseling? I suspect she entered marriage wanting nothing more than a plain vanilla sex life with a plain vanilla man. She found your sex toy. She saw pictures of your en femme. I would think those events are terribly upsetting for her because of her experiences. Yes, pure speculation on my part. Without counseling how will she be able to separate her past from her present. A counselor may be able to tell a wife her husband is normal with an added quirk. Just given the percentages of men who do admit to cross dressing it is really not normal (based on percentages) to find cross dressing in a marriage.

IMHO, you're dealing with a very complicated issue that transcended more than your cross dressing.

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Originally Posted by atlflygirl

I had agreed to stop dressing and did for a while, but last week I slipped and ordered some new panties and stockings. He found out somehow (wouldn't tell me how) so he became violent, shook me and said, "Be a man!"

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This was abusive behavior on his part and not to be tolerated. You're lucky he didn't get more violent still. He had no right to dictate to you in the first place. I'm glad you're free of him.

As it happens, I've participated on more than one site dealing with abusive relationships. Not because I've been involved in one myself, I'm thankful to say, but for precisely the opposite reason: because my family and others closest to me never behaved that way. So controlling behavior of that kind was alien to me, and out of plain curiosity, I suppose, I always wondered why some people behave that way--and why others put up with it.

There are reasons for all that, which are not relevant to this thread. All I want to point out is that your ex-boy"friend" (some "friend"!) had no business imagining he could "shape" you like some object into a person who fulfilled his fantasies of a perfect partner. His hiding of information ("how he found out") was another tactic to intimidate you by making you believe he's some "eye in the sky" who can see everything you do. (Thanks to the Alan Parsons Project for that metaphor.) And congratulations for refusing to put up with his crap! Guilting and shaming are typical tactics of abusers. People like him, prone to controlling others, are welcome to go jump in the lake (says "Liberty Lori"), and you're far better off without him. Who knows what he might have done to you if you ever got him really mad? By all means be assertive about who you are, and you will find a partner more worthy of you.

Sorry to hear about your marriage, but I have seen this happen so often, it is really the norm for most who are engaged or married crossdressers, who tell or are found out.
Those accepting girlfriends and wives are a rare occurrence, in my many years of interacting with our community.
Those wives who do accept are either dependent, also variant, less influenced by religion or family values, or have family who are like minded.

Make no mistake, she is going to miss being married to you. Keep the divorce amicable and you might find she has a change of heart in the future.
The dating scene for mid-lifers isn't all that great. She may come to find your CDing was a plus compared to those who have no stress relief.
Also, keeping your daughter informed and educated to your needs may come to find a caring and accepting person who will support you.

Wishing you all the best during these times, Tiffany! :straightface:

My divorce was 100% due to my crossdressing. I wouldn’t change who I was and it ended the marriage. I reluctantly chose to be a single father than a married miserable person around my kids. Fast forward years later, I’m happily married to extremely supportive person and my kids and I enjoy a very close relationship. My wife is younger and I believe the younger generation is much more accepting. I could be wrong but I also get the feeling that my ex-wife expected me to “give up” crossdressing and beg forgiveness and now regrets the divorce.

Tiffany, as dark as life seems now I can almost promise that you will someday look back and say it was for the better. Hang in there.

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Originally Posted by candykowal

Sorry to hear about your marriage, but I have seen this happen so often, it is really the norm for most who are engaged or married crossdressers, who tell or are found out.
Those accepting girlfriends and wives are a rare occurrence, in my many years of interacting with our community.
Those wives who do accept are either dependent, also variant, less influenced by religion or family values, or have family who are like minded.

Make no mistake, she is going to miss being married to you. Keep the divorce amicable and you might find she has a change of heart in the future.
The dating scene for mid-lifers isn't all that great. She may come to find your CDing was a plus compared to those who have no stress relief.
Also, keeping your daughter informed and educated to your needs may come to find a caring and accepting person who will support you.

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Good observations, Candy! There is so much wisdom on this thread, from you, from Stephanie (who like me took the trouble to do some research), from Gretchen, Teresa, Sandi and others--all the more valuable for seeing the problem from different angles. It is indeed important for Tiffany to do her best to keep the divorce amicable--just not to beat herself over the head for it, that's all. Especially since this couple still have a daughter to raise together. And if Tiffany as a "man" has been the kind of father I imagine she would be, she should never have to fear losing her daughter's love. Not, at any rate, without some very toxic interference, which I hope will not happen. And as you say, Tiffany's wife may well find that for women especially who divorce in midlife, "the grass is not greener on the other side"!

However, it's your observations about "accepting" wives and girlfriends that interested me especially. I may be biased since I'm lucky enough to have an accepting wife myself, but I wouldn't say they're so rare. It would be useful to take a poll. There are a fair number on this board, even wives of some who are actually transitioning. And that's a far harder thing for a wife to accept--a husband who is becoming a full-time woman--than the majority of plain old crossdressers who just want to wear panties under their clothes (not my bag, but many do), or to be a woman now and again while remaining "her man" all the rest of the time.

Are these accepting wives all "dependent"? That implies a degree of coercion: "I guess I have to put up with this because I can't expect anything better." I wouldn't put my wife into that category. She always thought my crossdressing was "fun."

Are these wives "variant"? In what sense? Lesbian leanings, perhaps? Not true of my wife either. Though a certain openminded willingness to experiment sexually, whatever that may mean, might be implied.

"Less influenced by religion?" Yes, that's probably true. But let's not forget, scads of people today have discarded the strictures of "traditional" religions, or have found spiritual beliefs of their own. And while I'm aware that we're not supposed to discuss the R-word on here, I hope I'm not violating any boundaries by speaking in generalities, and won't be edited for pointing out that there are ways of "filtering" traditional religious beliefs by retaining and continuing to respect and treasure what is timeless and valuable within them, while quietly discarding or ignoring what is no longer useful or constructive in modern conditions. I would say that approach is true of my wife and myself.

"Less influenced by family values"? What "family values" exactly would those be? My idea of "family values" is those that keep a family together, functioning in a healthy and mutually supportive way. Especially two parents acting as a team to raise the children they gave birth to. Now I honestly don't know what my own family or extended family, or my wife's, would have said about crossdressing, since I never asked them! Being older, they might well have been prejudiced. However, on the whole they were pretty good at keeping their families together and raising healthy children, despite any challenges they might have faced along the way. So I have a sneaking suspicion they might have dealt constructively with the "problem" of crossdressing, had it ever come their way. (And for all I know, it might have done!)

As for "having families who are like minded," I don't know that any of them were "like minded" about crossdressing and similar issues. But they have beeb "like minded" about the "family values" I cited above.

I suppose in the end some of this "acceptance" boils down to being "independent thinkers," and who gives a damn what the rest of the world thinks? And some of it to "variance" of numerous kinds, because Nature, thank goodness, didn't make us all the same, as though we were all stamped out of little cookie cutters. And on top of that, the fact that some wives (at least) actually appreciate a husband who has a "feminine side" they can connect with, even if he does wear a skirt from time to time. For some, it's a lot better than a husband who's totally insensitive to their needs and feelings. There are women out there who are like that.

Perhaps a difference is when two partners are closer to one another gender-wise. As opposed to some couples where their mutual and social interests are fewer. She goes out with her girlfriends and he takes no interest. He goes out with his guy friends and she takes no interest. My wife and I always shared everything and took a natural interest in whatever one or the other of us was into. We can talk with one another about anything. That's a trait to look out for.

Tiffany, I have been in your shoes twice before, both times the initial periodwas hard going but as the days turned weeks and months a new life emerged.Yes you are grieving right now, rightly so but from experience there is a future for you out there. Right now you have to be strong for the future, which will be bright and good for.
Hang in there life will get better and be good for you once again

Hi Tiffany :hugs:, Every now & then we hear this same sad story and it never gets any easier to read about it,

I wish you all the best trying to move forward, >Orchid **O:daydreaming:O**

Not to be trite, but "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end". I hope your new beginning includes someone who can love all of you.

Tiffany, Just take it easy for a while and let go. She may realize that she was better off with you, and make a compromise, but if not, please don't be too tough on her or yourself, as we are all imperfect beings, and life is full of bumps in the road. I would not be looking to rebound in another person or relationship at all, except to vent. One day at a time, and easy does it.

So sorry to read this , Tiffany. I often say I am so lucky as my wife accepts me. I hope this turns out well for you, whether it?s with her, somebody else, or you going it without a woman in your life for a bit. We?re all still here for you and you?re not th only one in your boat.

Tiffany, I've been on this site a long time and have seen quite a few marriages fail. However, I have yet to hear of one failing for CDing alone!:battingeyelashes:

was your's a "perfect marriage" before she found out about your dressing? If not, maybe it was doomed to fail anyway?:thumbsdn:

And, the fact it has now, may be a BLESSING in disguise!:straightface:

A new beginning is right . Move forward an enjoy.....

Tiffany, I am so sorry you have to go through all this.

Lori Ann,
It really boils down to whether a wife /partner can live with CDing/TG issues or not , some see their value in their husband more than the value of what people think . We never fully know what the problems and objections are as each person is different and look for different values .

You could say I'm lucky and unlucky in that I manged to keep contact with my close family and most of my friends despite the end on my marriage . To end a marriage that has stopped working is the most sensible and adult thing to do , to try and soldier on with compromises helps no one long term , I hope Tiffany discovers that so she can move on .

Don't feel too bad about others' claims of having supportive wives. I have been in the trans community a very long time. Seen a zillion broken marriages. The stats are grim, especially for a marriage where one transitions. Take any claim of having a "supportive spouse" with a major grain of salt.

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Originally Posted by Vickie_CDTV

I have been in the trans community a very long time. Seen a zillion broken marriages. The stats are grim, especially for a marriage where one transitions. Take any claim of having a "supportive spouse" with a major grain of salt.

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I can certainly believe what you say, Vickie, but then there's a catch. It's called "sampling error." When you refer to the "trans community," I'm assuming--please correct me if I'm wrong!--that you're talking largely about people who are transgender, or at minimum are "out" socially as crossdressers and known to others in person.

The way I see it, there are "stages" of crossdressing, depending on how far it goes. We may dress at home and never set foot outside the house. We may venture out just for fun, to "take the air" (so to speak), without really mixing with people. Even that can be troubling to a wife, who may worry about several things. "What if our friends and neighbors see my husband? What are they going to think of us--of me?" "Could my husband be seeking to cheat on me with male partners?" "How far is this transformation going to go? Could I be losing my 'man' altogether?" And so on.

Then if the crossdresser has a separate social life, meeting people at gay bars and so on, that's a step further, and all of those worries may intensify. Finally, as you said, I would not expect many marriages to survive a partner transitioning full time, where the wife really does lose the image of the "man" she married.

So if your statistics look grim, what this fails to take account of is whether your sample is representative of all crossdressers across the board. How many are completely closeted at home, or perhaps venture out once or twice "just for fun" or at Halloween, without ever joining any "community"? Except for an online one, which offers anonymity. And if crossdressing is limited in time and scope, it's more acceptable to a wife, who is not "losing her man" after all. I dare say a fair majority of crossdressers are not transgender to any extent, but if they're keeping a low profile they'll never appear in any stats. To my wife and myself, for instance, "Lori" is our little secret. And yes, I have walked out in public a few times, once or twice with my wife!--but that's it. So I wouldn't be entirely pessimistic about finding an accepting partner. They might be a minority, but they're out there, invisible much of the time. Tiffany does stand a chance of finding one.

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Originally Posted by Lori Ann Westlake

Good observations, Candy!

However, it's your observations about "accepting" wives and girlfriends that interested me especially. I may be biased since I'm lucky enough to have an accepting wife myself, but I wouldn't say they're so rare.....
Are these accepting wives all "dependent"? That implies a degree of coercion:.....
Are these wives "variant"? ...open minded willingness to experiment ... might be implied.
"Less influenced by religion?" Yes, that's probably true....
As for "having families who are like minded," .... But they have been "like minded" about the "family values" I cited above.
....I suppose in the end some of this "acceptance" boils down to being "independent thinkers," and who gives a damn what the rest of the world thinks?
My wife and I always shared everything and took a natural interest in whatever one or the other of us was into. We can talk with one another about anything. That's a trait to look out for.

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I try to keep my thoughts pretty general, allowing the user to apply to their experience.
Seem to me, Independent Thinkers is the way to be, if you can share and support each other natural interests.
So many marry without that needed trait, I did.
Sometimes we marry to take responsibility for a child on the way, for companionship when we grow old, for looks or sex, for money, because they know how to party.
Thanks for your thoughts Lori Ann...

Lori, you post "Lori is our little secret." That is one of the issues way back when my wife and I had "The Talk." That was circa 1983. She said she had nobody to talk to about my cross dressing. Yes, it became a shared secret. Given how oppressive society was back then towards gays and lesbians and cross dressers how was she going to "come out of the closet." She was (is) trapped in the same closet as me. We have settled since then into a very strong DADT so she probably would not want to engage anyone about it now. She is a very intelligent woman and has been able to figure me out. Since she had seen this site left open on our computer and made a comment, if she wanted to see what I and others are thinking, she could log on as a visitor.

Lori, is correct about sampling errors because the participants on this site are not a true sample of any poll. Unfortunately, too many wives may have insufficient knowledge about cross dressing when they find out hubby likes to wear women's clothing and emulate a woman. That can start the downward slide with nothing to grab onto.

Stephanie, yes, when a wife is troubled about a crossdressing husband, as your wife obviously has been, I'm sure it's problematic if there's no-one she can talk to without letting the secret out. Luckily this wasn't a problem with my own wife because she wasn't bothered by it and considered the whole thing "fun." But that's not true of all wives.

Back in 1983 of course when you had "The Talk," there was no Web to go to for information. Still, it's just as well if a worried wife felt obliged to "keep the secret," since going to random people for advice was just as likely to get her bad information that would only worry her more and needlessly/ "Your husband must be gay," and the like. As Josh Billings reputedly said: "It ain't what you don't know. It's what you know that ain't so."

Even the Web can be misleading. There's at least one member here whose wife joined this board for information and was promptly worried by the number of members who were transitioning--which her husband had no intention of doing.

On the whole, I'd say books were the safest source of information, easily browsed in any library. Our vintage Britannica from decades ago at least points out that "transvestites" are generally heterosexual and, while some enjoy going out as women, do not seek (unlike the transsexual) to become female. Another book by a psychiatrist, first published (I believe) as far back as the early 1960s, had little to say about crossdressing per se, just a paragraph in a chapter on "fetishism," but did note that it was perfectly compatible with heterosexuality. It had nothing to say about transsexualism, since transgender phenomena were hardly on anyone's radar back thend. (Harry Benjamin published his seminal book on transsexuality in 1966.) At least that kind of information would hopefully be reassuring to a wife.

Sorry about your loss. I do believe that most wives would rather that their husband didn't CD. I told my wife before we were married. Over the years we have had discussions about my CDing. My wife has realized that neither of us are going to change.

Wow. Thank you all for your kind words. You don?t know how much I appreciate every since one of your replies and kindness. It would be too much to reply to everyone but let me try and answer a few that I read.

Yes my wife was molested as a child. This plays a huge role in this as her step father (abuser) would wearing thongs and g strings and ask her what she thought about it and ask her to touch it. So yes me wearing a thing is a huge trigger for her. I do understand completely.

My relationship with my daughter is good. We love each other and spend time together. Yes she is 11. I dont even remember saying that before but good read on your parts. My question about my daughter is what should she know? How much should I tell her? Yes some of it is sexual but I think I just feel better when wearing it so it puts me in a good place and since no one is home when I wear it, it?s a perfect time for me to get off. But again. How much should she know?

I don?t want to date anyone else anytime soon. I think I?m better off alone anyway but I?ll try that for a bit.

The state of our marriage was bad due to me lying. Lying about my clothes, wearing them. Where I was wearing them. Not being outright from the beginning and saying I would stop and not stop. It was more about lying. I can?t say it was purely about the cross dressing. We had other issues as well. Fixable I thought but with everything compounded, lying was the nail.

It doesn't help, but I wonder how many marriages are "on the rocks" any way, and the CD'ing just gives it that push over the edge. Many are clueless to how their spose is feeling and too involved it their own situation. I know in my situation my wife and I got along great before my CD'ing came out. It was a bit rocky for a while, but she learned I wasn't going any where and I was the same guy I always was, but I can see if she was dissatisfied it would have been the time to leave.

Tiffany,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. My wife called it quits back on December 4 last year. I too had lost my wife's trust. You will probably have some hard days in front of you so be sure to reach out to friends and family for support. I had to seek medical help for my depression and have also been seeing a therapist to help me to find my way back. I highly recommend the therapist if you need help moving forward. In time the pain will lessen and the clouds will begin to part. Remember there are people who love you and need you in their lives. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to. I owe my life to a friend who would just listen when i needed to talk.

Rachel

I'm sorry to read about your marriage breaking down and hope that you can navigate a way forward by yourself and also as a father.

You made a reference to cross-dressing being like a drug addiction and that is an accusation that my wife has thrown at me over the years. In her mind, there is some childhood trauma or experience that has led to my "addiction" to dressing like a female and it needs to be "cured". But then I read of so many similar experiences on here, where people started dressing early and having an innate sense of needing to dress and I think there's much more to it than that. Why is it, for example, when faced with the ultimatum of giving up dressing or losing our spouse - someone we love incredibly deeply; can we not do it? What is it that makes us come back to dressing time and again; knowing that we are risking everything by doings so? I don't know the answer but it has to be something more deep seated than just a learned response or an addiction.

Again, sorry about your marriage.

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Originally Posted by Tiffany in heels

I love my wife. But she cannot accept me for who I am. And the lies of trying to hide everything is what made everything fall apart.

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Originally Posted by Tiffany in heels

The state of our marriage was bad due to me lying. Lying about my clothes, wearing them. Where I was wearing them. Not being outright from the beginning and saying I would stop and not stop. It was more about lying. I can?t say it was purely about the cross dressing. We had other issues as well. Fixable I thought but with everything compounded, lying was the nail.

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Hi Tiffany, you are pretty clear about what ended your marriage, the lying. This converges with most of what GGs here say, it's usually the loss of trust induced by the lying that is the deal breaker, and not the dressing itself.
Last time you checked in here you said your wife told you it was okay if you dressed privately when she wasn't home, which is in my book the coolest version of DADT you can find. So during these 4 years until today, what was the lying exactly? Did she ask you to tell her when you dressed? When you bought things? If you wanted to go out? Since we don't know exactly what your DADT contract with your wife was and how the lying poisoned all, it is difficult to analyze your situation. But you sure should do it on your end if you love your wife. And if you can't tell what made it go south then maybe ask your wife. Because, although you say she's gone "for good", it's never over until it's actually over. If you love your wife, have at least this conversation. Needless to say, if you are lucky and she gives you another go, you probably will need to establish a very clear and thorough contract with her and make sure you fully abide by it. E.g. contrary to popular CDer belief, what was not discussed is usually (and very probably in your case) off the table until it has been explicitly covered; don't make promises you can't keep (such as the (in)famous "I can stop", which is like peace for Clint/Joe in "A fistful of dollars", something you've been told is a thing, but that you've never actually seen); be 100% honest (which means be prepared to tell a LOT about your intimate life). GGs consistently say that fear of the unknown is the worst for them. And that trust in the couple is paramount.
Best luck to you both.

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If your wife left you "for good" she probably did not decide it overnight, so it's a good idea to let her speak her mind, heart, soul first. She probably has a lot of thoughts to share with you that led to her decision, and the dressing may be just one thing among many others. You will presumably need to listen a lot and speak little in the first stage.

Sorry for your loss. Even jerry seinfeld couldn't give something up for a relationship and it was only that silly voice.

Tiffany in heels, you ask how much should your daughter know? My wife and I have had conversations in the past about this. We have two kids, both of whom are still at home. We made a joint decision not to tell them, at least while they are at home. Our thoughts were that kids have a hard enough time as it is with the world these days that adding this secret they absolutely must keep is a heavy burden. We have always raised them to be accepting of people of any background, any presentation. You say your daughter is 11. Time flies. Soon, she will be an adult, and not burdened with the social insanity that is high school. Perhaps it can wait until then?

As to dating; yeah I of course wouldn't recommend anyone who has recently ended a marriage to begin dating. But, the day will come when you're emotionally ready to do so. Some pennies to throw into that thought bucket... Before I met my wife, I'd been in a number of long term relationships. Among the women who knew about my enjoying wearing women's clothes, a couple of them were outright rejecting. Most were fairly on the fence, with one a bit more accepting. By the time I was back on the dating scene just before I met my now wife, I made a decision that I would not tolerate lack of acceptance. The most I would tolerate would be a woman who knew, but was not actively supporting nor hindering. I really wanted someone to be actively supportive. I just wasn't going to waste time on someone who couldn't accept all of me for me. Being TG is who we are. It's not something we can repress. Whether we are en femme or not, we are still who we are. We can't conveniently put that femme person aside, regardless of how we look on the outside. I vowed to find acceptance or stay single. So, a couple of months into my relationship with my wife, I told her while we were driving on a highway. She couldn't jump out of the car :) A day later, she bought me pantyhose. It was awesome that she did so, and every credit to her for it. I got this level of acceptance because I refused to accept anything less. I would encourage you to do the same.