A Man's Touch

As I get older and the testosterone drops, I find myself daydreaming more and more about being fully female. My circumstances prohibit that from ever becoming my reality, sadly. Still, the desire to be curled up next to "my guy" watching a movie or whatever makes me feel almost deprived.

I recall the first time I ever went anywhere fully en femme with people around. It was about 8 years ago to my cousin's house for a "Halloween costume test run". We've all done that, right? It was him, his wife, and the GG I was dating at the time. She knew about me and was my first ally. Anyway, in a moment of silliness, I sat on my cousin's lap and snuggled for a couple of minutes as we all sat around a firepit. We chatted and had a few good laughs. My cousin is a little taller than me and burlier than I, but not very good looking. It was in no way insestuous or sexual, but it felt kinda normal. It was sweet.

That night was a private turning point for me. I think I have mentioned here before that I am a dual-gender macrochimera. I have two people in my head and lately, I (Christie) am getting mentally stronger than my brother (Chris). My parents were sure I was going to be born a girl or fraternal twins. My dad even named me. Apparently, the male me absorbed the female me. There used to be a t-shirt that said something like "My parents went to Hawaii and all I got was this lousy shirt". I make the joke that my parents were supposed to have twins and all I got was this lousy body. *laughs*

I have been married twice (neither ex knew about me) and have had many girlfriends, two of whom knew/know and were/are supportive. What I have never had is a boyfriend. And as I creep up in age, the desire almost feels like a need. It isn't necessarily a sexual need, although that is in there. It's more the cuddling and being pampered and treated like I have always treated the women in my life. I live alone so I am able to be "me" pretty much when I need to. I often sleep snuggled up to a big body pillow. My current girlfriend knows everything about me, even my desires... More or less. Out of respect and dedication to her, it will never happen, though.

Sometimes, the feeling is so strong that it almost feels like a death has happened. My boyfriend/husband passed away and I can't replace him. It gets me thru the night, I guess. And that empty space inside will never be filled. I live with it.

Anyhoo... I guess I just needed to get it off my shoulders to others who might understand. Thank you all, my dear virtual friends and sisters. Much love!

Fascinating. Thank you for sharing such deep feelings. Though to a lesser degree, I too have always wanted a "boyfriend", even before I acknowledged crossdressing. I am bi, so that falls in line. I agree the hug, and touch of someone bigger and stronger than me is nice.

Julie

Christie, thank you for sharing your thoughts and the pattern of your interaction between two sides in a chimera situation. That is a very difficult condition to have. In a support group I was in back in 2012 a person who was also a chimera came and talked to us. Many of us seem to show that pattern of switching or gliding back and forth and I feel it strongly, yet we are not chimeras, at least not confirmed as such. So I do have a sense of what you feel as I have similar feelings.

Your feelings, dreams and desires are completely understandable because as a chimera there are many of the bits and pieces of two people in one person and each of those people, if they had become fully developed rather than merging, were of two sexes, two identities, two different genetic assemblages that being in one body need to get along without destroying each other. And it makes perfect sense that hormone shifts due to age would alter the equation that defines the total you.

Perhaps it is best to not fight the shifting that is occurring and explore all that complexity even more deeply while maintaining your principles. However, apparently not being a chimera myself, although I have certainly wondered about that possibility, it is hard to come up with recommendations that would fit you. But I certainly can feel your discomfort and understand the "confusion" that naturally occurs in such a situation as yours. Defining yourself must be a very difficult problem and you have my deepest support.

This may not be helpful in your self denial state of mind, Christie, but:

I have met countless T's at very many T friendly events and venues. As a result I've not only met, but have been hit on, nicely, by a number of male "Admirers".:battingeyelashes:

I have no interest in sex activities with men as I'm straight. Yet, I have occasionally found their polite, but friendly, insistant attention to be quite flattering and tempting!:o

Altho sex is on the minds of most, some older ones have only wished to treat me like a lady. Simply to take me out, spoil me, show me off to friends, cuddle publicly, etc. (I am 77).
I think in a more urban, open minded local, u would find opportunities to explore your fem side with men who would treat u kindly and respectfully!:love:

I find most men absolutely disgusting!

I have thought about it and the big hairy man is a total turn off, but maybe a lean smaller built guy with a nice swimmer's body. I think the term for them is "twink".

A friend of a friend of mine is gay and has made it clear that he fancies me something rotten. He will hold open doors, help me with my coat and generally be quite chivalrous. I will honestly admit I find the attention to be quite flattering while having zero sexual interest in men. It is perhaps because that it is infrequent that I find it welcome, if it were a regular occurence I feel I would tire of it quite rapidly. As it is, his actions reinforce the the deep seated feelings I carry about with me, just as surely as the dress and makeup do.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Pumped

I have thought about it and the big hairy man is a total turn off

---

I agree with you first statement. I just don't find any men attractive.

I too find most men unappealing. However...

Many years ago, I was in charge of my employer's phone communications, along with a lot of other responsibilities. One day, there was a problem I couldn't fix, so I called in a telephone repair order. So, a guy shows up...yeah, a telephone repair guy...how stereotypical huh? Never before in my life had I ever even begun to think about having physical relations with another guy. But this guy...he caused a reaction in me, inside of me. I couldn't describe it to myself even if I tried. I was professional and polite, but I had to excuse myself when I could.

The next morning (Saturday), I was in a grocery store mulling about the feelings I'd had the prior day, and thinking to myself, "I wonder...?" And here I am surrounded by what the world has to offer in the form of Mr. Saturday Mornings in all their scruffy beards and sweatpants. That shut down that thought _really_ quick! hahaha

Still, I like to think of myself as 99.9% hetero...except for that .1% in case Mr. Telephone Repair Guy ever shows up.

Lately, I do not want anyone to touch me!

Med are disgusting, i have no idea why women put up with us.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Attention and validation are exceedingly powerful forces. That our society has been taken over by social media is just one example of the absolute power of attention and validation. Those of us who strive to look or feel like women may, at some point, enjoy these forces coming from a man. Whether or not you are physically or sexually attracted to a man is irrelevant. The fact that your presentation as a woman is somehow appealing to a man can easily trump your intrinsic hetero fears. That's OK. Enjoy the moment. Carry on.

The idea that there are straight crossdressers who aren?t gay or at least a bit bi curious is still hard for me to comprehend. I can?t imagine wearing dresses and lingerie and not ever entertaining the thought.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JulieC

The next morning (Saturday), I was in a grocery store mulling about the feelings I'd had the prior day, and thinking to myself, "I wonder...?" And here I am surrounded by what the world has to offer in the form of Mr. Saturday Mornings in all their scruffy beards and sweatpants. That shut down that thought _really_ quick! hahaha

---

My wife and I are unusual in that regards. We rarely, if ever go shopping for anything sloppily dressed. I might hit the hardware store in the middle of a project in grubby jeans, but that is the exception. If we need to run for groceries, or maybe to home store to get items for some project you will see me in block high heel boots, men's jeans and button up shirt. (I don't dress out of the home, other than my passion for women's boots) People that shop looking like they just crawled out of bed make me crazy. Take a little pride in your appearance!

While I'm not attracted to men the thought of enjoying a "date" is attractive.
The entire dressing for a nice evening out, being escorted to a nice restaurant, a lovely dinner and conversation, perhaps some dancing and drinks and then the awkwardness at the door ...
and the fantasy stops there...

So true Christie
my female side never really had sexual thoughts for the first 50 years, it was always about being out, shopping, doing normal daytime public stuff, but lately... the thought of being dated by a guy and maybe even bedded isn't unappealing anymore (luckily for me, she's very fussy and she's not actively looking for a date)

I'm with Cheryl T.

It's the idea of being on a date - with me as the female half, is very appealing. It's not about sex. It's about being seen, treated, and feeling like a lady. It's the little things I'd love, like having the door held for me, holding the chair for me, compliments on my hair or outfit or whatever, MAYBE even a little light flirtation - but it's not necessary.

I have a GM friend who fully accepts my feminine side and if I were able to get a "kitchen pass" would almost surely be willing to do to dinner with his adopted sister (me). But I don't see that ever happening. My wife would have a major fit at the very idea of me leaving the house dressed. To go out on a "date" - even a friend date - would be ten times worse.

I can understand her point of view and would never do it to her. But the dream persists.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Star01

The idea that there are straight crossdressers who aren?t gay or at least a bit bi curious is still hard for me to comprehend. I can?t imagine wearing dresses and lingerie and not ever entertaining the thought.

---

Yeah. The thought has crossed my mind

I fully understand your feelings as at one time my dressing was just for me and my being as attractive as I can mostly for me. That changed awhile back when I realized that my sexuality was changing also as I more and more wanted to be attractive to a man, not all men of course and I think our ability to put ourselves out there now on the internet has definitely helped change how I think. I still find women attractive and so love admiring them when they are dressed well and don't find men attractive as a male but when dressed and I become Lacy it's hard to explain but I then do find men attractive but not all men again. As in real life we are not attracted to all of the other sex anyway so finding the right man is a challenge and I've managed to find a few boyfriends now that Lacy can enjoy. 99% of women want to attractive to men so find it interesting for those here who love emulating a woman have no interest in being attractive to them as again it's part of being a woman. As it doesn't mean you have to sleep with them but when a man finds me attractive I've succeeded in becoming the woman I love being inside and out.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Pumped

I think the term for them is "twink".

---

A 'twink' is a young, effeminate male, who generally assumes the 'female' role in a homosexual relationship.

The term "twink" is short for twinkle toes. We used that term in the 50's for wimply men!:heehee:

A twink is definitely not swimmers physique, that's for sure. A twink would be 150lbs, not the 190lbs and ripped of a swimmer.

I'd much rather dress up and be found attractive by a lesbian!

Christie-
It has always been my observation that one's natural instincts are always the best choice. With judgement, do what you naturally feel. Don't force anything, but slowly move in the direction, either backwards or forwards that is most appealing to your senses, Thinking and re-thinking things always helps.

For me, I want to look like a woman, to feel like a woman and enjoy all of the lovely experiences and pleasures that a woman desires. One cannot abstractly appreciate the depths of feelings involved.

I've always been a little bi-curious but have never really acted on it. But as I've slid into my 30's, I'm finding myself fantasizing more about being with a man -- mostly on dates and being treated as a lady, but I won't deny I've thought about the other stuff too. Like others, I also find most men disgusting as well, but I can certainly tell the handsome ones apart from the others. I hope this doesn't offend anybody, but I find beards absolutely disgusting along with lot of body hair, so if I was ever involved with a guy he would have to be very well groomed for sure. But on the other hand, I don't know about living with a guy either...

I know exactly how you feel and think about it a lot.
I have a few male cyber friends, a few I have met, who get me thinking about being their girl friend if my soulmate leaves me.
It was a part I never fully explored when I was living as a girl in college.
Sure I dated a few guys but mostly it became awkward as they were pretty immature.
Being with a mature understanding guy who just want to have someone to cuddle with, love, and pamper is very appealing to me too.
It would complete the full circle I experienced in my youth.
I would think another crossdresser who has lost the desire to dress would be the ultimate boyfriend...what a couple we could be! :o
I do love my wife and nothing would compare but having that complete understanding and being the one pampered is a nice desire.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kelli_cd

I'd much rather dress up and be found attractive by a lesbian!

---

Finally something that I can agree with. After our first appointment, one of my GG therapists told me, "You're gay, but don't worry, it's OK to be gay." I thought that she was wrong, but I decided to put it t the test. Since I was working out 3 days a week, I decided to look around in the locker room to see if I was attracted to anyone. Well, not only was I not attracted to anyone, I was totally repelled i I happened yo get a view of their junk.

So much for the knowledge and professionalism of that therapist.

On the other side, I was out with a group of TG girls at a restaurant in my best girl mode. I started flirting with the GG waitress. We got to talking, and she told me that she was Bi. I half jokingly told her that I could be her best friend. I could be a girl when she felt like she wanted a girl and a boy when she felt like she wanted a boy. I also told her about the Keystone Gala dance in two days and I gave her my "girl card" with a picture of me and my (girl) email address. She said, "How do I contact you?" I gave her my phone number, never expecting anything to come of it. The next day she called me to make arrangements to meet me at the dance. I advised her to wear an evening gown, to not be shown up by the TGs there. We met, and she was all prettied up, and it was a very pleasant evening talking, and a few dances. It didn't turn into anything sexual, which was good. I didn't want to be put in a position to test my marital vows. After the dance, a few of my TG friends asked me who I was with all night. I told them, "I guess she was my date." They were flabbergasted.

Further weirdness since someone mentioned the word lesbian. I am not turned on by hairy macho men but lesbian fantasies with another fully shave crossdresser are alive and well. They have to be smooth like me and dressed fully with wig/long hair and makeup to catch my attention. Go figure.

The weirdness for me doesn't stop there Star.


For instance, I couldn't be less turned on by the male body. It's simply not attractive to me - I like boobs, bum and hips. I like soft, not hard. Smooth not hairy. That doesn't change when I dress like some people seem to suggest - I am Charlotte 100% of the time, I just present as my male mode. Given that I am non-active transgender, I would therefore identify as a lesbian.

However...

Although I wouldn't want to be with a man in any kind of romantic relationship, or cuddle etc, the thought of un-romantic, purely "mechanical" sex with what society describes as "conventionally attractive" is appealing to me in a hanging out with a mate then saying "Why don't we have sex? Sure, why not?" just like you'd say "shall we play video games for a bit"?

So for me I like the act of sex, not the physical being it's with. Plus, I don't feel any inhibitions as to who it's with - end of the day, sex is sex for me.

I used to think I was bisexual for having these urges/desires of sex with men, but i've come to the conclusion i'm not because it goes no further than the act - It's what happens for the rest of the days, weeks, months and years of your life that defines if you're gay/straight/bi etc.

Touching with another CD would be great for me.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Star01

The idea that there are straight crossdressers who aren?t gay or at least a bit bi curious is still hard for me to comprehend. I can?t imagine wearing dresses and lingerie and not ever entertaining the thought.

---

I think you are projecting here. We are obviously a multitude and not one like another. The way I see (and enjoy) crossdressing is an attraction to femininity, not to being female as the yin of a male yang. I am not looking for a partner, whether male of female when dressing. I am just living my own experience, and it isn't a June Cleaver style one.

As for males (hairy or not) being disgusting, I wouldn't say that. And GGs sure think otherwise. And some non-GG members here too.

I want to thank everyone for their candor. In my case, i cannot see myself with a man other than in one type of situation. I would have to be in my sexiest lingerie and I would only want to be appreciated for providing him with pleasure. No cuddling no relationship

The guys I’ve connected with were friends or friends of friends. Neither relationship went at all as expected.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Christie Camelle

As I get older and the testosterone drops, I find myself daydreaming more and more about being fully female. My circumstances prohibit that from ever becoming my reality, sadly. Still, the desire to be curled up next to "my guy" watching a movie or whatever makes me feel almost deprived.

---

I could written that first paragraph! I am so glad I found this website, cheers to you for the courage to post!

Two things:

1 - Different folks, different strokes.

2 - Don't knock it, until you've tried it!

People are not cookie cutter copies of one another. I know women ( cis- and trans- ) that LOVE hairy men. I also know women who cannot stand it if their guy has too much body hair. There are also men who adore hirsute ladies, and men who want their woman as hairless as possible.

There are CD's, transwomen, and ciswomen who love men, love women, love both. And who cares, as long as no one is harmed. If your thing is to dress lady like and get compliments from guys ( and nothing else! ) then good for you. If you want more, then good for you, too! Unless you are married and your spouse is unaware, in which case, you are a slime mold. Cheaters are cheaters, and doesn't matter WHAT you are wearing!

So why don't we stop classifying and sub-categorizing each other? YOU do YOU, and allow others to do the same.

Well said. We should all strive to be whomever we wish as long as your actions don?t harm others - particularly your loved ones

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by dalearden

I could written that first paragraph! I am so glad I found this website, cheers to you for the courage to post!

---

We're glad you found it, too! We feel what we feel, right? *hugs*

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Christie Camelle

As I get older and the testosterone drops, I find myself daydreaming more and more about being fully female. My circumstances prohibit that from ever becoming my reality, sadly. Still, the desire to be curled up next to "my guy" watching a movie or whatever makes me feel almost deprived.

---

I think I understand and appreciate you posting this. I was just daydreaming today about being the "inside" of the spoon for once and how nice it must feel to have a strong man curled up around me.

Threads like this remind me of why I'm delighted to have found this forum.

i actually di meet 4 different men, years ago, but no penetration sex. It felt so amazing to model in a dress and heels in front of them!! But, i was also conflicted a lot, but the feelinf a woman gets being admired all dolled up was so great. It was like an escape from grim single male reality, into a dream state, becoming a lady for a while. But, it got out of control and controlled me, and dangerous, to everything else in my life, and i was out of control I was actually mainly just using these men for my own ego desires, and ignoring more important things, like any addiction. So, i had to stop , even though i did keep posting my photos on sies, and receiving positive male attention, and requests to meet, but from men far away from where i lived. The male side of me has a problem, too, as under all the lady things, is a male. I still get pink fog strongly,, but have had to say no to iit, as my life is unmanageable enough without the complications and more complexities meeting men brings. I have to say no more, and get life balanced and healthy in my old age, and face reality.

My best friend passed away 10 years ago.

When we were in High School, we would kiss in public just to be defiant. There was a couple times that we had what could be considered homoerotic moments, without any touching.

As i get older, I find myself fantasizing about him when I'd like 'A Man's Touch.'

I had a stash when he was alive. My stash has since grown in the years since he passed. There is a lot brought up about getting caught on this site. If there was one person to out me, I wish it was him.

If hind-sight is 20/20, I'd welcome his touch. His widow is the only other person I told about my dressing, aside from my SO. The fantasy's of him have only recently surfaced.

I guess it's good because it is a fantasy and not a regret.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by AndieB

I've always been a little bi-curious but have never really acted on it. But as I've slid into my 30's, I'm finding myself fantasizing more about being with a man -- mostly on dates and being treated as a lady, but I won't deny I've thought about the other stuff too. Like others, I also find most men disgusting as well, but I can certainly tell the handsome ones apart from the others. I hope this doesn't offend anybody, but I find beards absolutely disgusting along with lot of body hair, so if I was ever involved with a guy he would have to be very well groomed for sure. But on the other hand, I don't know about living with a guy either...

---

This pretty much explains where I am at currently in my journey. I?ve noticed I?ve blossomed and evolved sexually from straight to Bi but definitely find certain male physiques very hot but mostly in girl mode.

The more I go down this path I find myself lusting for male touch and voice. There is something warm about it for me that fits. I definitely love to be told what to do by a man in the bedroom. I?ve even think about their parts from time to time especially when in girl mode. I?m not sure if it?s the dressing thats allowing me to feel these urges or not but they are intense emotions.

Never thought much about men sexually, but at a Halloween party where I went dressed as a woman several years ago, I was groped many times from various men. I was completely freaked at the time.

As I roll the events through my head now, I wonder if my reaction was a sign of my vulnerability. What would have happened if someone really pressed it. I don't know what might have happened.

On the other hand, it can suck to be a woman. Some men are total asses. Given me a whole new view of the me-too movement.

I was always astonished that men could grope women (or men) they didn't know or were not intimate with. It is such a possession of the other human being, such a reduction of her/him to a thing at your disposal. I can't wrap my head around it. Even in private it's rare I grope my wife (I used to do it more when younger), I realized a few years ago that it wasn't an innocent thing to do and try now to tread more carefully. I never did it in public however, because she's not my thing. Groping is a "Man's touch" that most (probably every) women has experienced, especially when younger. Women don't usually talk about these things. But if a group of women starts talking, then you realize (and they sometimes realize too) that they all faced such situations one way or another. My wife revealed to me a few years ago that she was routinely groped in crowded subways, where pervs think they can't be busted easily. When she told me that, many, many years into our relationship, I felt very ignorant of what her life really had been, and wondered how many husbands didn't know either what their wives were going through.

Groping is wrong. Never done it in my life , however when i dress up in something nice and go to a gay club and a guy touches me i am not offended, morally wrong but i assume they think well why are you here?
On the subject i have been wanting this next level for a long time now, done the kisses and hugs a little play but want to go all the way, the plandemic slowed the time line up , lockdown and mask wearing is not conducive to doing a lot

i had a period of being into this whole exploring shit with men aspect but tbh i also got over it after a while, most were ok but usually ghosted afterwards out of shame i guess. some were kinda too forward and appeared to take the attitude that they could push through boundaries with out asking and this happened quite abit. like clubbing with dudes asking to touch my dress then going up my leg and me thinking yeah easy tiger. yeah also been groped loads. i think a fair few admirers like to do it because they think we are more tolerant than cisgendered women to this behaviour. so after a while i settled back into just being with women and i think thats where i will stay probably for now and definitely for relationships too.

Living as a woman, or going out as one, opens you to a whole new level of experience. You learn quickly, what it means to be vulnerable.

And groping is NEVER acceptable from strangers!

As secondary income, I have a part time job at a convenience store. The other night, while alone, a male customer came in. While I was making a new pot of coffee, this guy grabbed my butt and invited me to 'party' at his place. He was bigger, and stronger than me, so I humoured him and told him I'd love to take him up on his offer, another time.

As quickly as I could, I distanced myself by ducking behind the counter close to the panic button. I was acutely aware that a harsh rebuff of his advances, could lead to violence. I felt very alone, and vulnerable, hoping another customer would come in.

I would just like to inform people that if you venture out, presenting as a woman, that there are possible repercussions! It isn't all about dressing pretty. You might be a black belt in karate, but have you ever fought in heels & a skirt?

That was brought home to me on one of my early evenings our as a woman. I was at a club with friends, when I decided it was time to go home. A male friend offered to escort me to my car. As we walked the block to my vehicle, I told him I appreciated his gesture, but it was unnecessary, as I used to be a cop. He chuckled and asked me if I was a cop in a skirt & heels, looking sexy. I had to admit that he had a point.

Bottom line is, that as a transgender woman, I like the touch of a man.... It validates my femininity.

BUT, if you are a crossdresser, dressing for your own pleasure, you may find the attention of men to be uncomfortable. You have to examine the motives for doing what you do.

Each and every one of us is different, but since my divorce about 10 years ago, I have been dating men and enjoy it very much. I had been with a few before that, but wasn't quite sure how I felt about it until after my divorce. I've even had two long term relationships since then with men that lasted several years. For me, it's not just the physical attraction to men, but the attention and the company. A man who is a gentleman, is kind, affectionate, has a good sense of humor, ect. are all things I find attractive about them. I will definitely say without a doubt though, that I find many of them to be complete jerks who I could do without, which is about the nicest way I can say it on this forum. I'm not a born female of course, but it gives you a good sense of how it must feel to them.

Jodie Lynn said this:

"BUT, if you are a crossdresser, dressing for your own pleasure, you may find the attention of men to be uncomfortable. You have to examine the motives for doing what you do"

Yes, I dress for own pleasure and am out a lot. And, I'm clear about my motives. When men r pleasant and flatter me, I enjoy it and tell them so. But, if they hang around I quickly and with no uncertainty explain I'm NOT into men! That generally discourages them. It is NOT my fault if they don't understand "No!":sad:

U simply have to be honest and open with the men u meet and not play games with them. That's exactly what I want from the women I'm attracted to as a man!:battingeyelashes:

To start: I'm bi; I like women, too! That said, I have very little experience with men and find a far smaller proportion (of men, than women) attractive. But, I would love, love, love to go on a real date with a funny, smart, attractive man who was into me.

Over the years, my interest in men has evolved from something along the lines of Charlotte's take to Christie Camelle's opening comment. I'd take a wild guess that changing hormone levels did have something to do with that!

Dana

Three to four years ago I met up with another from the forum in the Gay village in Manchester. later in the evening we ended up in a quiet little pub intent on chatting, sharing experiences, that sort of thing. We were sat at a large table and a decent looking guy, who turned out to be gay, sat just down from us and after a few minutes asked if he could buy us both a drink. Although we declined his offer the three of us got chatting, just general stuff until it came to closing time.

Coats were put on, skirts straightened, hair flicked, and then it came that moment to say our goodbyes. Now this is were it's possible to at least touch on that man/woman thing as I decided to do what many GG's do in such situations, gave him a little hug and a kiss on the cheek. Thanked him for his lovely company and we all went our ways.

So I would say it's possible to experience that man/woman interaction in quite simple ways without crossing what you might feel are boundaries that would make you shudder. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I present as a woman so I did the womanly thing. A small box ticked.