I feel disgusting

I hate my male form, and I will never pass as a female. I thought i'd accepted that, but it seems not.

I'll never be accepted by my parents, and I think most of my friends would struggle to adapt becuase they're casual friends.

I'm embarassed to go out when dressed, and fearful.

It's probably just depression coming to get me, but I just can't be bothered with anything except making sure my family are OK. I am long past caring about myself right now.

If I could switch off my trans thoughts, quit my job, just disappear into the wilderness then i'd be gone in a shot.

Please tell me i'm not alone in feeling like this, and having these awful times?

I'm supposed to be feeling good, as i'm just 36 hours away from having a whole 2 days en femme.

Hi Charlotte, my feelings aren't as strong as yours, but they have been. You should care about yourself and try and go easy on yourself !

On most days, I loathe the male form that I see in my reflection. I have so many reasons to. The knowing that I am slowly caring for myself to see what I wish to see in the mirror gives me comfort.

You are not alone. And sometimes we really need to just talk things out. Or take a bath.

2 days en femme is super exciting tho!

VERY FEW of us pass, broad shoulders, adams apple, no bottom, deep voice, masculine moves, etc etc etc....... I would not worry about passing and just learn to be yourself and work with what God gave you. We ALL struggle with the same as you. You are NOT alone. I struggle all the time, identity identity identity!!!!!! It is a constant struggle. I have so many urges when dressed, then I try to analyze when not dressed and feel so ashamed. We all have our personal demons to live and come to terms with.

If that's you in the avatar, I think you pass with flying colors.

I think you need a gurl friend to take you on some adventures. If you live near DC, I'll take you out. Are there any trans groups near you? Any members nearby. Or go to a Trans conference. Be a girl all day and all night for 4 days.

Some people believe that there is life after death. I believe that life is not a dress rehearsal. No hell below us, above us only sky. I act accordingly.

Boy me is kind of a loner. I have way more gurl friends than male friends.

Lighten up, woman. Passing is a social construct and, for most trans and CD folx who are past our twenties, an actual impossibility. For every hot, young, petite little transwoman or CDer or trap posting online and fueling our insecurities, there are 50 of us regular-looking people and another 50 cis women who are even less attractive and appealing than us! The trick is to understand that none of this matters because we aren't 19 years old anymore. People will accept you, treat you, even desire you based on the energy you have to offer in your presentation. It took me years to figure this out, with my broad shoulders, big hands and ridiculously massive feet. It's all about your energy. Whitney Houston wasn't lying when she said that the greatest love of all was inside of her. (She would go on to let Bobby Brown zap it out of her, eventually, but that's a story for another day.) Love yourself, pamper yourself, come to terms with the fact that you are attractive even if you don't look like Taylor Swift or Dua Lipa. You. Are. Beautiful. And, there is no better time to celebrate that fact than right now.

Charlotte, you never know what is going to happen tomorrow. If it means taking a break, that's ok.
I will never "pass" and I never will despite my efforts. All we can do is present the best image we can and if don't have a support network (I don't), we just have to find our "yes, you are correct. I am a man in a dress.....so what?" to the world.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other, taking one day at a time and even if today is a bit gloomy and cloudy, get a good umbrella and keep going until the sun shines again

You are not alone in such feelings. I have entertained every one of those same feelings. I find I still do from time to time, although the intensity of self doubt and self loathing can vary wildly.

If you could switch off your trans thoughts then you wouldn't have to quit your job and run away.... but since you can't switch them off.... then just accept it for what it is and enjoy the time you get. Passing is over rated anyway! More fun when you don't blend in, IMHO!

We're not trained Gender therapists but that's what I think you need.

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It's probably just depression coming to get me, but I just can't be bothered with anything except making sure my family are OK. I am long past caring about myself right now.

If I could switch off my trans thoughts, quit my job, just disappear into the wilderness then i'd be gone in a shot.

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To make sure your family is OK, you DO need to care about yourself. You need to deal with a therapist to deal with the depression and the self-loathing, because it does impact your family.

Perhaps the reason you don't feel good is that you know after the two days you revert back to the non-Charlotte you?

Try to enjoy your dressing time. Try to ignore the devil on your shoulder that tells you should worry about what other people think.Try to overcome the fear.

Then afterwards, take the first step towards dealing with the issues you face, and find a therapist. You owe it to yourself and your family.

Charlotte, for a long time I disliked some of my male attributes that I found disgraceful. Muscular legs and what's between them as an example. I was annoyed with puberty and the transformations it brought (the above, the hair, the voice change). But each time I told my wife about it (that was before I came out to her as a CDer), how I found the female figure and body graceful and delightful, elegant and stylish, she kept telling me how she loved my male body and figure and every aspect of it, even the dangling part that I found unappealing, and that I was just looking at it from a male point of view. After hearing this for years and years from her, and being filled with perplexity, I slowly began to look at the male body, mine, others' too, as something that could be beautiful and lovable after all, and I think that it was helped with the fact that we see more male nudity, including frontal, in shows nowadays (like I think that this sexist cultural habit of only showing female nudity in the older ones was part of the problem), even if we can't all resemble Greek statues like the caricatural male models of series such as Game of Thrones. I gradually began to accept my male body. It didn't diminish my dressing desire any bit, but it made it a more healthy experience, since the dressing's aim wasn't tainted anymore with a desire to escape my male body. It is now a purer and sincere attempt to experience a bit of the beauty I see in women, and like some said we won't reach perfection anytime soon, but any bit of this beauty I can catch is something I am content with, and I treasure it a lot more now that it doesn't compete with my male self. It is just an additional experience. I love my female presentation, as imperfect as it may be, and when I see my male self showing through, it isn't a disgrace anymore, it is just me showing through, I am male all right, this "me" shining through is just a seal of authenticity. I sometimes take pictures with a light makeup and without the wig to witness this. Despite the boobs and fake hips that are artificial indeed, they look real, because the face is real, because I am looking right into the camera and somehow not pretending anymore. And I actually like these pictures. A lot.
I hope you will learn to love yourself, every part of it, no matter how you present. Your wife can probably help. The secret to love your female look, as imperfect as it may be, may possibly lie in learning to accept and love your male self first (at least it was in my case. Your mileage may vary).

Charlotte,

First I hope you feel better now. Recognizing that as a race we are going through a very tough time and have also to deal with our individual dramas can alleviate a bit our anxieties.

A great amount of good and sound advice had been given in this thread. I would like to give another perspective - improvement. Little improvements. Daily improvements. Goals and plans.

Since I learned to accept this side of me and found a supportive partner, I work daily towards goals that would make me happier. Could be body shape (losing weight, working to develop or not some parts that give a more feminine shape), laser hair removal, shaving other parts that I?m not ready to permanently remove body hair, buying prosthetics (breast forms,?), enrolling in online makeup courses, learning to walk on heels (higher, longer, faster, graceful), understanding what kind of clothes, sizes, color matching work better for my shape?there are a million ways.

Its about taking this moment as a step, not the finish line. Writing down your goals, what are the steps to achieve them, planning and execution.

Enjoy the ride!

I suspect a vast majority of us go through these kinds of feelings about ourselves at one time or another. I sure have. But resolution for me was in not desiring to be passable because I really am not capable of that if passable means the glamorous presentation. We need to learn to be comfortable with who we are and when one reaches that stay there for as long as possible. Look around you. You will find lots of women that are not physically beautiful and don't necessarily dress well either. Instead of passable, perhaps presentable is a better goal.

What really concerns me is your urge to "just disappear into the wilderness" thinking. Also the self loathing. Those are very, very serious symptoms. But I wonder why you feel you would need to switch off your trans thoughts to do that? Sounds to me like you are punishing yourself because you are gender variant. It is irrational and therefore most likely severe depression. It is not "coming to get you;" it is here and now in your world.

Please Charlotte seek out some professional help. It doesn't need to be a gender specialist as most therapists today have experience with gender issues. In my opinion, you need to resolve the depression primarily and maybe adjust your gender thinking a bit at the same time. I think your goals are unreasonable and based on a feeling that if you can't have it all you can't have any. A therapist can help you find your way. They don't tell you what to do; the help you to discover the solutions that are right for you on your own.

PLEASE SEEK HELP SOON.

Another great post by GretchenM, Charlotte please listen, we love you!

Find a CD Zoom group that will help you deal with your desire and acceptance. What area do you live I don?t pass ether but I just got back from flying to the Detroit Invasion. Nobody cares besides this what you feel and it not illegal you not doing nothing wrong this is who you are so deal with it and have fun. what WE need to do is get out as much as we can and live and love your life. This is the only way we can live a normal life.

I struggled for many years with this. I am going to give it some thought then I will come give an insightful reply. But if your friends won't accept it get new friends and often times family will surprise you, I know mine has.

You are not alone. I am sure everyone at some point has pondered these thoughts. I have no idea what the word "trans" means anymore. It's a word, but, what does it mean to any one individual?

Decades ago, before the internet and any resource material, I had no idea who I was. I knew I was not acting like a male was suppose to act. Yes, I did all sorts of manly things. Yet, I was drawn to wearing women's clothing. Was I gay? Society in the 1950's and 1960's declared any male who wore women's clothing was a homosexual. Totally confusing. I went through way too long a period of self loathing. Self hatred. Not because of my size. Back then I was six foot one and 140 pounds. It was all mental. I conquered the self loathing part. Now I still have to deal with the problem that people seem not to be all that accepting of what I do.

I cannot do anything about my six foot male frame and its 200 pounds. That physique is great as a male. Women over the years thought I was good looking; six foot, 175 pounds, lots of blond hair, muscle toned but not muscular. Now? I cannot do anything about the fact I will look like a "man in a dress."

So, is one truly a transsexual in the classic sense of a person trapped in the wrong body.? Or, is the person a disgruntled cross dresser because he does not fit into the societal desirable womanly form; five foot six, 120 pounds +/-? Nothing can be done about height. Weight may be controlled to some degree. Form can be created with enhancements and pads. But, the mind?

Professional guidance may be needed to figure out how to negotiate the world. And, to figure out where one truly stands on the spectrum. Another word that did not exist when I was your age.

You are not alone. Unlike most people here I DID NOT really start at an early age. I found my female self in my early 60s.
I have no hope in passing so I do not even try. The one big thing I am doing is I am trying to reduce my weight/shape to something better. I am lucky because I am retired. I a also blessed that I live alone. wife passed on in 2000. I am hindered living in a non-accepting community and can't afford to move.
Do you have, in you house, a SO who is supportive? if you do, feel lucky.
I have 3 grown DADT children, they say it is OK for me to do as I wish but not around them, their family, or friends. Welcome to small town southern mentality.

Charlotte, I hope u will reread your post at arms length, like I am doing? Because to me, it appears to be a cry for HELP!:eek:

I can't say I've been exactly where u r, but we r ALL a bit different. I DO KNOW when I needed professional help, I go it! My therapist took 5 minutes to deal with my dressing then moved on to my real problems!:straightface:

And, u have some real issues, girl! Your family, job, relatives, and friends all seem to be speed bumps in your journey called life. If u want help, get it. We here aren't qualified and neither r u! A good, experienced, counselor may in just one session help u to identify your issues and help u find solutions.:thumbsup:

I believe your dressing issues r clouding many more serious PROBLEMS!:sad:

Monica, 50? Probably 500 that can't pass to 1 that can!

i know I will never pass, not even trying. I walk and stand like a 60 year old man. My voice will never be even close. I have accepted that this is who I am and I need to live with it. It does help a huge amount that I have a sweet wife that puts up with my insanity. I still feel better when I strap on the boobs and hip pads and get dolled up.

I would love to be a sexy, beautiful woman, but it isn't going to happen.

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Originally Posted by MonicaPVD

Passing is a social construct and, for most trans and CD folx who are past our twenties, an actual impossibility.

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That is one of the best critiques of the fallacy of trying to pass I've read here. I don't pass but it doesn't stop me going out and interacting with one and all any opportunity I get.

It also leads me on to what is one of my pet hates, FaceApp and Photo shopping. Okay I understand why folks do it. It's nice to fantasise about looking good, to be that attractive female but for others it leaves them feeling they can't match that level of passing and so feel ever more insecure about their own appearance.

I will always show how I look warts and all so that when others see my image and that I don't pass but do get out and about and have a great time doing it that they will say, if she can I can and get out there too.

So Charlotte, I hereby award you free membership of the NPBGOC, the, Not passing But Going Out Club. Make the most of your membership.

You are absolutely not alone and I am sorry you are struggling.

I've grown and evolved to the point? It doesn't matter.

There's lots of GG's who don't meet the "Standard" who don't meet whatever cultural, societial "Standard" of the epitome of femininity?

A LOT of being feminine has do with self expression.

Years ago, when I was involved with a GG, back when girls wearing boys boxer underwear as outerwear. My GF's 14 ~ 15 year old sister came running through the house wearing such.

Just teasing her? I asked why she was wearing boys ~ men's boxers as outerwear? Her response was GOLDEN.

"Because I WANT to and CAN!"

Honestly? When I look through the photos of before and after on this sight? I see a tremendous improvement over the appearances of men dressing and expressing themselves in feminine attire, makeup and such.

To me? Its NOT so much about passing as a GG? But, more about experiencing and expressing oneself in a feminine manner?

Get in the bath shave everything, even shave your eyebrows, I shave my arms as well, believe me, you will feel different, just find it hard to do my eyebrows, use soft light colour, trying to do them in black always ends in disaster

Hi Charlotte :hugs:, Sometimes we just have to Play the Hand that we were Dealt , >Orchid**0:daydreaming:0**

Hi, Charlotte.
Your first sentence describes gender dysphoria in the first five words, "I hate my male form..."

The rest of that sentence, "...I will never pass as a female," is true for most of us who were AMAB. The good news is that you don't have to "pass" in order to be accepted and treated as a woman. It's true - most people will treat us as the gender we present, because it's the polite thing to do, and most people are polite. Yes, of course there are ignorant assholes out there, but they are fewer and further between than most here seem to believe. When it's friends and family who are so ignorant and fearful though, it's as if the whole world is so because "everyone who matters" is so.

What you describe as "depression" is, probably, the dysphoria. When we can not live as our authentic selves, the world can look pretty bleak. Are you in counseling? If not, get started ASAP. A skilled therapist and an honest, diligent approach by you will pay off.

Charlotte, I found your post very moving. I think it will sound glib, so apologies in advance, but the terms you use are so strong that I find myself wondering if this is about more than passing as a female.

Perhaps you would never have felt accepted by your parents regardless of how you chose to present? Some parents can be really bad at parenting. Your words make me wonder if their lack of acceptance may have been a major hurdle for you all your life?

I'm wondering if, were your dream to become true and you found yourself disappeared into the wilderness, would that feeling of not being accepted still haunt you?

You mention feelings of depression, of no longer caring about yourself, and again I wonder if you might still be having feelings like this even if you'd never thought of putting on a dress and wishing you were a woman.

Would you consider therapy, or a support group, to address feelings of low self esteem, depression, of feeling unaccepted, rather than focussing on the wish to be a woman?

If you could come to terms with those problems, it might make dealing with Charlotte a lot easier.

Hugs, Nikki

As has been stated, you are in good company. I have noticed, with a real degree of concern, that some members/crossdressers often have feelings of disgust about themselves. Some it is guilt feelings of engaging in what I call our "peculiar pastime," and doing it secretly. Sometimes it is despising their own body -- specifically their birth gender. And it can also encompass their feminine impression not meeting the standards they have set for themselves.

The only solution I can see is finding some paths to acceptance. You have a family, so it is pretty likely they appreciate your male form -- give them some credit for being perceptive -- they likely have something there. Your feminine look is a work in progress, and it is always YOU. You have value, which is evident from the outpouring of support from your friends on this forum.

Hang in there, you have a lot of people on your side, both near and far.

Hi Charlotte,
I was disgusted with for years desires to dress. I felt like I was a freak. I finally was going through PTSD therapy and it came out about these feelings. The therapist assured that there nothing wrong with me and that I'm perfectly normal. In fact she told me that so called "normal" people a a minority of the population. They only represent about 25% of the population. I'll never be able to come out to my family and so called friends but I finally come to the most important person in my life, ME. Hang in there sweetie and don't give up. You're a beautiful human being and worth it.
Peace and Love
Missy Dawn :Peace:

Hang in there and I hope you're feeling better.

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We all have our personal demons to live and come to terms with.

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so true.

Charlotte, I feel for you, and relate quite a bit. I have a number of very difficult lifelong issues i have had all my life and cding is one, and my masculinity, and Highly sensitive mind, and it affects everything, and i am not at ease with other men.

Go get a cute new dress. That will stop those terrible feelings. Dress should be pink.

Natalie

I had my first dress up session at home for a while the other day but didn't go out. My thoughts were a mixture of "wow, this is great....this is why I like doing this" and "WTF am I doing? I must look ridiculous". Not having a support network on the issue and having to do almost everything on my own usually pushes me to not bother making the effort to go out (well, that and a few other factors aside from the current state of madness in the world) and around and around the cycle goes

I cannot relate to the idea of hating my male form. The truth is I love being a man and I love being an atypical man. I miss my youthful physique. I don't like the amount of body hair that came with testosterone injections. But, I love exploring the possibilities that come with an open mind towards my wardrobe and style.

All that being said, I deal with a pervasive sense of rejection just because of how people "would" react if they knew the real me. That sense of rejection is base pretty much on fact and is not a personal fabrication. Technically, we can wear what we want anywhere we want to wear it. But, stepping outside the norm will often come at a high cost.

The world is complicated and mostly contradictory with many, if not most, people never really considering why they have the opinions that they have. And, even as I question my own opinions, I have to realize that much of what forms my opinions isn't even available to me at a conscious level. The subconscious hides much of who we are and what we think of ourselves and others.

One thought that has come to me on rethinking your post is the idea of "disgust at your male form". It brings memories of articles I've read about anorexic girls being "disgusted" by what they saw in the mirror, seeing themselves as fat even when every bone showed through their skin. My question would be that "If your genitalia were to disappear and boobs appear, but not in the idealized feminine body, would you be less disgusted?" Maybe I'm being my typical over-analytical self and reading too much into your post, but "disgust" is such a harsh term to use about ourselves. I hope that you come to some peace about it all.

I actually fully agree with Aunt Kelly. I read your first sentence and thought, awww, that's sad that dysphoria is strangling this poor girl.

Thanks for the responses, and for the PMs that I received. I haven't responded to them, or the posts in this thread as I haven't been able to face it.

I don't feel as bad as I did, but equally I am far from being happier. I had my 36 hours en femme, and I actually spent just 7 hours dressed. I couldn't put things on because of how I expected I would look. I couldn't go out when I was dressed because of how I actually looked, which was as bad as I had feared.

My eating disorder has run rampant. My counselling isn't helping. I start another counselling shortly, and hope that'll help me.

One day at a time and one step at a time. You're beautiful and precious and loved and have all of us here for you.:love: You're much stronger than you give yourself credit. I imagine almost everyone on this site has gone through and had similar issues like the kind you're going through. Hang in there sweet beautiful lady. The world is a better place because of you!
Peace and Love
Missy Dawn :Peace:

It's easier to look at my reflection when I know I'm wearing a bra and panties. I'd like it even better if my situation allowed me having a female wardrobe, but I do the best I can with I have.

Charlotte,

Keep seeking. Keep trying. We are here for you.

I pray for your strength and peace,

Julie

It has taken me over 60 + yrs to realize and to be still and know, it is not much the outward appearance of anyone that really is all that important Charlotte. It is the inner person, the heart that matters FAR FAR FAR MORE, than my body type or look. Be still and know, you are a beautiful unique person in guy mode or gal mode, ad the inner unseen person you are is more important that anything else. I have hated myself most of my life and still struggle with it at times, but as the sands of time in my hour glass are slipping away faster, in my vey trouble life alone, and i feel it, I am finally accepting the painful things i cannot change, and learning o accept myself. I never liked being six foot six and odd, Highly Sensitive, and strange. Hang in there , and you are ok and a unique person no matter if male and dress either way. It truly is the inner person and heart that matter most.

lots of good advice here Follow some of it and you will be doing and feeling better. I find a therapist does wonders at least it did for me and every few months or so a adjustment by the therapist always helps. My motto is "Have Fun enjoy yourself and do no harm." It doesn't always help but it does a lot of the time

Theres some old thing i read about the longer you look in a mirror the less you recognise yourself...

Maybe take it all a bit lighter sometimes and enjoy the 4 other senses in all of this. And indeed all of the time.

Thats my best advice. As for depression, thats a cue to not ignore but fix something. Theres no running unless you want to run forever.

Talking is better than not. Find better friends - maybe they're here.

Good luck :)

Like you, I dislike my male form (but I don't hate it), and I would never pass as female. I don't even try. If I did try I'd just fall into the uncanny valley and be a tragic joke.

Maybe this is not to your taste and sensibilities, nor those of many members here, but MIAD works for me. I'm realistic about not passing, so I put together the best, most tasteful and presentable skirt outfits I can and just go. I know I don't fool anyone, but I am accepted for who I am, which is a very untypical man with whom women feel comfortable. SAs in dress shops address me exactly as the do any other customer. Female customers talk to me and comment on my choices as they would anyone else. And random women in the malls stop me to tell me how nice I look. It all makes me feel as though I have been accepted into the women's side of the clubhouse. There is nothing wrong with being identifiable as a man in a skirt.

Again, my approach may not sound palatable to many, or most, or ANY of the members here, but I am living proof that it works. It's a realistic approach that allows me to enjoy my life instead of staying at home waiting and hoping to become passable, a state that grows more distant with each day we age.

I understand. You're not alone.
My family would lose it, I'd be disowned. I would lose my job immediately.
I can tell you that I get pleasure in the "attempt" to be more feminine.
I hope you find some peace, I know it's tough.

hello Charlotte,
I am sure many cross-dressers have the same thoughts and feelings at some times in their lives and it can be very powerful.
It is not your fault (or our fault) that "society" does not accept cross-dressing.
Someone gave me some advice recently: Don't take it personally! Try repeating that to yourself.
stay healthy!
luv J

I will just say that we all have to like ourselves.
Not in any egotistical way but, not liking one's self is very self defeating.

Personally, i have always liked myself, almost to a fault at times.
Admittedly, in the past there was a bit of "Sheldon Cooper" in me until i realized that is self defeating also
So you need to have a good balance between really liking yourself while not offending others.

I can't claim to be the one to feel that the songs epitomize what I feel; that goes to moonfire777 / genderbender 2010, or whoever it was that put up two MTF makeover videos on youtube in the late 2000's. She appeared to be a late teen, slight of build, but height unknown. She transitioned, and then disappeared from youtube, taking her channel down, I suppose trying to go stealth, though I do remember mention of her being outed as TS, and having to move again to another location, I suppose to regain a bit of anonymity.

Still, most of us never had the slightest chance of ever coming close to becoming as beautiful as she did.
Doesn't matter, really; we all have to live with who and what we are, one way or another. I came to accept long ago, that I would never, ever be able to pass again, once through puberty and grown to my adult form.
One way I deal, is by eliminating mirrors from my home, unless needed for specific grooming. This way, all I have, is what's visible from my own eyes, and that's fem enough. I've also reconciled my existence and public behavior as a male, as simply a role I must play, and a 'man uniform' that I must wear, in order to do certain chores, much the same as a underwater diver must behave in certain ways, and wear the diving suit and equipment in order to do what he wants to get done.

The song he used for his first video, was; Gary Go, 'Wonderful'. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRmFQGFH0yE
The second he used, was 'Brooklyn', which oddly matched my location when I found the video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRmFQGFH0yE
Have a listen. Hope it helps find you some peace.

I just thought I would check in and give an update.

Since the original post I have come out of the depression that I was finding myself in, and have regained control in various aspects of my life. My work is back on track, I am going to be 4 weeks binge free in a couple of days, and I have lost 4kg thanks to my controlled eating and consistent exercise regime. I'm also almost over the bronchitis that's been bothering me for a long time now.

In terms of dressing, I haven't had the time to actually dress properly, however have started wearing womens jeans and jeggings when I work. This has been a big boost for me because I have been able to express how I feel more comfortable, and it's totally accepted and fine because I work in a progressive workplace. It's allowing me to get it out of my system you could say!

Welcome back Charlotte!

There was a time — years ago now — when I would have those WTF moments. I’d think "Why am I doing this? This is crazy!" But then I’d force myself to get all dolled up and then I’d look at myself in the mirror. When I saw a woman looking back at me, even if it was mostly my imagination, I knew why I was doing it.

Now I know it all the time. Trust me, the WTF moments will fade away.