Back in the Dating Game

Some of you may know a bit about me and this could be surprising, but my wife of 15+ years and I separated about 10 months ago. Nothing to do with the dressing or Drag, and we remain best friends. That did put me in the unenviable position of having to date outside the binary for the first time ever since I didn?t come to terms with my gender issues until my wife and I had been together for some time.

To say that the prospect of trying to meet and forge a new relationship with a total stranger was intimidating is a massive understatement. I have noticed that I?m apparently not the only one with dating on the mind, as I?ve seen a few other threads on the topic. Thus, I?ve decided to create this self-indulgent little thread exploring my experiences. Maybe some of you might receive some degree of edification or entertainment from this.

Obviously the dissolution of my marriage was difficult and took some time to heal. However, once I was ready to date, I realized the first thing I needed to figure out was WHO I wanted to date. My marriage was open, and during that time, I had considered dalliances with men, as I am sexually attracted to all genders. But once I took some time to consider, I realized that I am only SEXUALLY attracted to men, and that my ROMANTIC attraction leaned heavily towards ?feminine? individuals. That is, I have no problem having sex with men, I just don?t have any interest in developing a relationship with one. So women it is for me!

So the next step was to put myself out there and try to meet someone. Since I don?t really have much of a social circle to speak of, my go-to was going to have to be the internet. I had some experience with some of the old dating sites, but this is a world that has evolved a lot since ?my day?. To the dating apps! This was a can of worms I was NOT prepared for. Just finding a dating app that so liked and felt like it accommodated me was a challenge in and of itself. I decided to try CD/Trans/Drag oriented dating sites. This was a waste of time. The few that were out there and catered to us weren?t good. Very small pools of users, practically all functions locked behind a pay wall, and the users that were there were all Dressers or chasers. Practically no GGs.
I knew that I still wanted to put myself out there as my AUTHENTIC self, so I decided to take a chance on more main-stream apps. Lots of frustration and disappointment there. Not because of the users, but the apps themselves. While almost all of them offered multiple gender and sexual identity options, I HATED that most of them, once you?re done filling out your profile, ask a question that basically totally invalidates all the gender options. That terrible question is, ?Do you want to appear in searches for men or women?? UGH!!! After paying lip service to this community by giving us gender options, you?re going to pigeonhole me back into the gender binary?? NO THANKS! I must have tried almost of the major apps. I could literally only find 2 or 3 that didn?t force that on me. Fortunately one is a pretty major one and another is strongly ?alternative? oriented, both with decent user bases. Pickings starting to seem a little thin at this point, but the apps I did like were solid enough to move forward and hope for the best. Like I mentioned earlier, I wanted to date authentically, so I loaded up my profile with pictures of Micki and crossed my fingers.

It turned out that this was NOT a great plan. Even though I tried to be clear as possible on my profile, but my pictures were all en femme, and not to toot my own horn, but I can be pretty fishy (passable). This led me to receiving a lot of messages from guys that left me wondering if they really understood my gender situation. I did receive a few messages from women, but they mostly just wanted to talk about makeup and drag. Overall it was a rough go, as I felt I needed to preface every response with ?You DO understand my gender, right?? NOT a great conversation starter.

After a lot of frustration I decided to change tactics. I replaced half of the Micki pictures with pictures of me in obviously male mode. This was actually enormously helpful. The number of men messaging me dropped significantly and the number of women rose. In addition I found that I was making better quality connections too.

Eventually I matched with an amazing woman who is probably out of my league if I?m being honest, but we?ve gone out a couple of times and there seems to be real potential here. She?s aware of Micki and my Drag up front, and she?s not only accepting, but excited by it.

So that?s the happy ending of it all. The most important lesson I learned from this experience is that you have to be active. You can?t just sit back and hope Mr or Mrs Right comes knocking. It can be a rough, discouraging road, but if you stick with it, good things can happen.

Interesting read Micki,

First off , sorry about your situation leading up to dating but it makes sense to carry on with life.

You made some interesting points that I never thought of before, and to a degree I feel the same way. But since I am married, irrelevant I guess.

I am curious though. I would have thought you would meet a lot of women at your drag shows. Granted at many shows I have been to, not all the drag queens mingle with the bar patrons, but some do. I have met and talked with a number of women at shows who told me they were there because a friend was performing in the show. Do you not find it easy to meet women at your performances?

Anyhow whatever the case good luck to you.

Sandi

Micki: I feel your pain, dealing with online dating. I have done it for about 15 years now and I know it is hard to find a lady who will except you as a man, dressed like a woman. I am so glad you found someone you feel might be compatible.

To be honest, it does not matter if I find Ms Right, because I am not looking to re-marry.

Micki, I'm so sorry to hear about your marriage situation ( >HUGS< )

I'm not sure how the following will be received, being trans, but here goes...

Have you noticed the dynamic shift between reaching out as a woman, versus reaching out as a man?
In my earlier life, I was the hunter. Now, in my present life, I am the hunted! LOL!

Luckily, I still retain my knowledge and skills from being a man, and can spot the users and pick-up artists from a mile away!

One of the most important lessons I learned, very early on, was that men lie! When they are horny, they will tell you ANYTHING that they think you want to hear, just to get into your pants. It caused me to review and re-evaluate my previous life, and I confirmed that when the "little head" is in charge, a man will say or do anything to get 'release'. A woman ( whether GG, CD, or trans ) needs to keep her head and watch her step!

You heal much faster than I do, which is good.

I hope that the new connection(s) your making with accepting women will result in some positive relationships, perhaps one or more of the long term variety.

Wonderful post, Micki! Thank u for taking the time to write it! I think many here mite find it quite helpful. I certainly would have after my 13 year marriage ended and I was back out there dating in my 50's! Of course, back then I simply presented as a man interested in women. After years of 100 1st dates, several 2nd and 3rd dates? I tried foreign dates. Ukraine and Russia over there!:eek:

After 10 years of all that I gave up dating. I decided it was easy to be with, and be Sherry. Than to keep meeting up with strange new women.:sad:

But, I wish u the best of luck with you're new GF. At least she knows the real u!:hugs:

Micki, That is a very interesting post and I wish you the best as you seek happiness.

Splitting photos male vs Gurl photos was brilliant!

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Eventually I matched with an amazing woman who is probably out of my league if I?m being honest, but we?ve gone out a couple of times and there seems to be real potential here. She?s aware of Micki and my Drag up front, and she?s not only accepting, but excited by it

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Many GGs love us too so good luck and be safe, enjoy life.

One of the most important lessons I learned, very early on, was that men lie! When they are horny, they will tell you ANYTHING that they think you want to hear, get into your pants. [/QUOTE]

And females always tell the truth???
After my first wife died I sought some female company and resorted to some of these websites. The first woman I met! Had posted a 15 years old photo, and deducted the same 15 years from her age. Another said that she was a non smoker, one of my essentials , but litup a cigarette within seconds of our meeting, she also claimed to be recently divorced. Turned out that she was just separated from her hubby but had three previous divorces. These are just two examples, I could quote more.
There is a happy ending, because I did meet and marry my wonderful second wife, but not through a dating site, more a casual conversation with my lady dentist, she arranged a meeting with one of her dental nurses, , and the rest is history.
Good luck in your search Micki.

Wonderful post, Micki. So sorry to hear about your marriage but perhaps it is the best in the long run. Your experiences since then are very instructive to others who are in a similar situation. Nice to hear from a person who appears to have delved pretty deeply into the various options. The internet can be a blessing but it can also be a monster. The message I get from your experience is whatever you do keep your wits about you. I hope your new friend turns out to be a winner. You deserve someone who is accepting. The excitement may wane, but it so important for us that the acceptance remain.

Out of your league, eh?

I think it might be the other way around...!

In my experience, there is a generous handful of women out there who find us not only interesting but also sexually arousing.

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Originally Posted by AngelaYVR

In my experience, there is a generous handful of women out there who find us not only interesting but also sexually arousing.

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So, more than five. Maybe eight. Not enough to go around for all of us, though! And definitely no way to find them! I spent years online, and basically only got prostitutes, dominatrixes, men, therapists, and ONE straight lady who lived across the ocean who didn't ever want to move to the states answering my ad. None answered any of my initial attempts at communicating. The 'dateacrossdresser' website is entirely inhabited by men, the crossdressers all list themselves as female, so there's no way to search for the very few GG's there. Then, they also have shills who send out messages (and you have to pay to message them back), and then when you do message them back, they don't answer or deny ever messaging you in the first place, so then they've got your money, and you have no contacts. Ugh.
As far as I can see, there simply aren't more than that 'handful' of which you speak. The only suggestion I've seen here that might work, is to befriend gay women, and go with them to lesbian bars (while en femme), hoping that you might arouse the curiosity of a straight woman who is there because she finds she's sexually aroused at femininity, but isn't quite ready to try dating another GG yet. Unfortunately, the few gay GGs I knew have either all passed on now, or have moved far away (Or I moved far away). So that's no longer an option, but it might work for others.

Merely dressing nicely is not enough, you need a fun and inviting attitude to go with it. In her post, Micki has pointed out the difficulties of online dating.

In my travels, I have come across women who did not know that they would find this thing we do attractive - so it is not something they would have gone searching for online, either. Now I will quickly point out that I am married and so have not taken any of these women up on anything so how it would pan out long term will remain a mystery.

How do I meet them? First off is obvious: be out and about. Dress well, be confident, be willing to be the first to speak (usually complimenting shoes or dress). I will concede I might have a bit of an advantage because, like Micki, I clean up well but I still think attitude is far more important. At the very least you can make some good friends.

More than a decade ago I went fully en femme to a trans-friendly venue and before I had a chance to order, a woman offered to buy me a drink. She was accompanied by a male and I was married, and the majority of the conversation was her sharing that a former BF liked to dress up?basically letting me know she was cool with it. Before that conversation was completely over another woman approached me and asked me to come sit with her. Before long I was in the midst of a group of gay and bi women. Had I been single, who knows where it could have led.

Micki,

First off, you have always been a sane, knowledgeable member of this forum. Thank you.

Second, believe it or not, I wish I was in your situation, divorce and all. Not because I don't love my wife, but because she doesn't love, or ever want to see, or speak or think about, Julie, a significant part of who I am. I do think about finding a person that loves all of me. But that may never happen at this point. If I left my wife, of my choosing, my kids would probably hate me. I can't live with that. As for the uncertainties of modern dating, and finding someone again, that doesn't bother me. I am more of a loner anyway. If I find someone, great. If not, that's ok as well. All that said, I don't want to end up old, alone, not seeing my kids, and only finding chasers, and users, and people that don't respect me.

Julie

That's a positive story. Good for you. Has she seen you dressed yet - in person.

I'm separated from my wife too. Must be something wrong with me. I have zero interest in dating/meeting someone. I still see my wife however (maybe that's it).

Hi Micki,

I am sorry to hear your marriage did not work out and you are back in the dating game. I love the fact you are being completely transparent on the dating sites, showing both sides of you. Please don't sell yourself short and don't think for a minute you are out of someone's league. I believe you have a lot to offer someone. Good luck on the dating scene.

Well I always thought you had a league of your own, so, all bets are off. Good luck.

What were the last 2-3 apps that you settled on?

Micki;

Really happy you are rebounding AND that you are keeping a relationship with your ex. I can't imagine what dating through a dating site would be like, although it appears you may have found a solution to CD/TG dating. Best wishes.

I am sorry to hear your marriage .
But happy you are being upfront from the beginning and showing both sides of yourself that is how I see you being and kudos.
Please do not think you are out of someone's league .
Wishing you happiness.

Hi Micki,
Also separated and divorced since the last time I posted on this site. I did not go 'public' with my CD-ing during my dating as I did not think it would bring me a lot of dates with women. I was however, unlike in my marriage, open from early on in any intimate/headed toward intimacy relationships about my needs (acceptance and support for this part of me) and I found: a woman that was NOT into it, a couple that were curious and supportive from arms length (didn't last long enough to know where their support level might have gone), and one who has been amazing and she is who I am still dating. After a long dormant spell where I only did some light dressing at home, I am feeling ready to go out again and have some fun and she wants to be right with me! So, it CAN happen!

I found when I told the women I was dating clearly and confidently what I did and where I was and was not going with it, admitted to a lot of apprehension about telling them, the response was pretty good. The one that was not into it was kind but firm in that it was not for her and we parted ways gently, although not right away. Good luck to you and the rest of you looking!
-Shayla

Hi Micki,
sorry to hear about your marriage but at the same time it sounds like this is what you needed and are finding happiness.

I just have to say this passage in your OP is succinct and really well said:
I realized that I am only SEXUALLY attracted to men, and that my ROMANTIC attraction leaned heavily towards feminine individuals. That is, I have no problem having sex with men, I just don't have any interest in developing a relationship with one.

I have found myself having similar thoughts recently but haven't seen it put so well.

Thank you.
FM

Oh do I find this thread SOOOOOOO interesting!!!!

Best of luck you all...it's out there, but extremely rare.

One of the reasons I miss my wife so much!!!

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After a lot of frustration I decided to change tactics. I replaced half of the Micki pictures with pictures of me in obviously male mode. This was actually enormously helpful. The number of men messaging me dropped significantly and the number of women rose. In addition I found that I was making better quality connections too.

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Thank you so much!

It’s time for me to look for someone new, but had no idea how to go about it in an authentic way.

Thanks for sharing Micki, sorry about your marriage but sounds like you are moving on and looking forward, and best of luck with your current situation. I know you mention that you aren't romantically attracted to men - I happen to be in a romantic relationship with a great guy (we're both bi) and it's amazing. if you do happen to ever go down that road you wouldn't regret it if you found the right guy.