Ten things CDers get co wrong about their wives

Ha, how is that for a catchy title? And for both CDers and wives, too. I know, you saw this and thought: I'm going to learn a thing or two today. Right?
Well, wrong! At least, not right away... because you will be the ones contributing. I invite you to share a misconception about wives and GGs that you frequently observed with the members of these forums. For your point to be valid, it must have been validated by your wife or a GG. Be honest.
Maybe we'll all learn a thing or two. And the list can be more than 10. Hopefully.

I go first:
- Wives are more tolerant with CDing for others than us because they don't really love us.
Actually, no. It's just that they tend to live and get in bed with us more than with the other fellows.

This is related to yours but, “If she loved me she’d be attracted to me no matter what I wear”

That once wives are accepting they will always be accepting, uh, hello No

Crissy,

Totally agree with you, they do change their minds...we never quite know!

Davina

mine is my current wife of 40 years .has never wanted to acknowledge this part of me .its my fault i thought that since she was in a relationship with a woman she would be more accepting and at first she did try but once she saw me fully dressed she freaked out we spilt up then after a month she called me and told me she didnt know what i wanted but she was going to try for me .but like i said she did not like to see me dressed.up to this day she wants no part of this but its so much a part of who i am.i dress when i can.im n0t happy about it but i have grandkids and great grandkids i dont want to confuse them so i hide like a freak and wait to met someone who says its cool to dress and helps.:daydreaming::hugs:

Oh so many things many of us have gotten wrong! And so lucky are the few who's wives tolerate, embolden, help explore, and/or do not run away as we do so. A few that jump to the front of my mind:

- Don't assume your wife will be turned on by it. Remember, if she married a man, she was attracted to a man. While you may be turned on during your female time and still be attracted to her, she hasn't changed her "gender display" and you may have. She may not be "attracted" to that. Don't force it.

- She may not want to be public about this experience. That is a negotiation and maybe even a changing process over time. It may be the same for you. If you really want to do things that are more public when dressed, there may be moderated solutions such as doing so away from home, on a vacation in a hotel, cabin, BNB, or other place away from where you have the potential for encountering people you know.

- She will do the math on budget considerations. No hobby, passion, fetish, or whatever you might consider dressing to be should be something that causes you to not be able to "put food on the table" from its budget effect, but even if money is no object and the budget can bear whatever expenditures you make, think about how much you are spending on "dressing". It's probably a good idea to make sure you are taking care of each other in your relationship when it comes to budget for your desires as well as hers. This advice probably could be taken to heart with any hobby, passion or expenses naturarlly.

- Be open, talk, and don't hide tings. Truth is the most important advice. Some of the conversations might be hard and not necessarily what you want to hear at the moment.

So many pieces of advice we can all probably give each other and so many of them are personal and situational.

Ding dang dong, misconception counter at 7. Thanks for your contributions so far!

Tolerance is not acceptance.

hello Diane,
my wife loves me and she knows how happy cross-dressing makes me but that does not mean that she is happy to make love to me when I wear erotic lingerie (I hope that is not too much detail!).
stay healthy!
luv J

Wives don't like to be lied to or find out that their husband's have a hidden life or secret desires that are brought out after the marriage. It's kind of like "bait and switch". Some wives are made to feel like the "bad guys" for nonacceptance of something they knew nothing about. All over this forum, we see accepting wives talked about like they are "the greatest" and non-accepting wives as "not the greatest".

I would guess that if an accepting wife changed her mind after the fact, it's probably due to some other behavior (possibly/probably while dressed) but other than just the act of dressing.

I have seen several posts where the poster seems to think that many wives want to join in the fun. One even suggested that a wife might want to disguise herself with a wig and falsies to participate with her husband. I think that is unrealistic.

A few members here seem to have wives who are willing to go along with their husband's crossdressing even to the point of going out in public to them to malls, restaurants and such. I believe that would be a very small minority of wives.

I feel blessed than my wife tolerates my dressing as long as I keep it hidden from anyone but her. I would love to get her to go out with me, even if we had to travel to another town to do it, but realistically, I doubt it will ever happen.,

Such a good thread and thank you everyone who has shared their experiences.

I've been married twice, and both know that I crossdress. With the first, she reluctantly 'participated', as in we played together but I could see that she wasn't into it. The relationship was on the rocks by that point and ended in divorce, but not before she got some cheap shots in, including her referencing the crossdressing as to why I was not man enough and too weird for her, nevermind that I had told her nothing about that side of me until a few years into our relationship.

My second wife is an angel. After I got burned by the first, I vowed never to tell my second wife about that side of me, but we all know how that goes. She eventually found out and was deeply hurt that I had not told her. Not only did she encourage me to continue to tap into that side of me, but she helped dig up resources and we even joined this forum here together to travel this journey together.

A decade later, not much has changed. She understands that this is a part of me, and though me in feminine form does nothing for her, we will only very occasionally play together. However, as long as the fidelity in this relationship is not at risk, she adopts a don't ask, don't tell approach where she knows on my days off I will dress up and go about my day, but doesn't ask about it or try to participate either.

Do I dream (like many of you!!) that she wants to be part of this life and of all the naughty things I want us to do to each other - :devil: - of course I do, but just like our waistlines refuse to be controlled, so do our partners' wishes and we have to accept that is our lot in life as gurls.

That all the other, wonderful things about me, would surely be more than enough to counter any negative feelings she's have about me being a crossdresser.

NOPE.

At the time, I had no idea that we all create an idea of who our mate is, based on everything we know about them; and we fall in love, with that image. Plenty of women divorce their husbands, when finding out that he had an affair decades earlier in their marriage, even though he's still the same person. All because she finds out something new that changes that image.
I really believed that my wife would understand; after all, she was a nurse, having taken the same psychology courses that I had, so surely she'd understand, right?

NOPE.

I just didn't know how important that 'masculine, male' image was to sexual attraction. Destroyed, by now when thinking of me, gone was the masculine male, replaced by a mental image of me in a dress, a 'sissy'. The sexual desire was gone. And once that was gone, the feeling of romantic love would soon follow.
And then the hate. The hate that she had married a fake man, who was only posing as a real man to get sex with her, who planned to ruin her life's plans of living as a normal couple and raising children.

She really believed that, and said it all, to our therapist in one of our sessions. It was then, that I knew there was no turning back, that she'd never accept a crossdresser as a husband, no matter what I said or did.

We were divorced about a year later; still furious about me 'fooling her' into believing I was a normal man, she blackmailed me for everything we owned, threatening to disclose to everyone I knew, that I was a crossdresser. That was 1998.

LOL that we all wear skinny jeans .. No I do not , I haven't had a pair in a decade almost and I dont think Ive worn leggings since the 80s ..

Anyway another is that alot of CD'ers seem to think we have to fall in love with a masculine male or else and I can tell you that is not true . I do not like masculine men at all i just dont like being duped . Many people get really irate over being fooled over something that important especially if years of our lives have been wasted just so you can go live your true selves . It can really destabilize you , it really does feel like we have lost our footing and might actually fall .

Here's one to add to the list: "She hasn't said anything. That must mean she's OK with it."

How many times have we heard about someone who kept pushing the issue because the wife wasn't saying "no", only to have it blow up in their faces?

First I would like to say these are just things I have read over the many years here.

Love each other and Cherish each other .
It can work out . Communication please!

1. Never told her afraid to so I think I should just dress and show her without talking ( we call that the ta da method) she will see how sexy I look and be as excited as I am /.No she will just be mad and feel lied to or it is a joke ( if nothing was ever brought about it before)
2. Well I know things about her past so she better be cool about it or else ???.../.one thing does not even equal the other & and what a relationship eh?
3. When I first told her she bought me a nightie..so it is full steam ahead and the packages start arriving wig, breast forms, dresses , skirt ect???./no she loves you wants you to know she supports you and does not mean go full tilt . It took you how many years to feel you need this give her time , communication and understanding .
4. Just pretend you need nylons say it makes you feel-relaxed then add nighties then add this and that on and on. ??...../she is not stupid stop the games .
5. Taking it into the bedroom and expect her to be turned on like you are right after her finding you out.. . ..yeah if you fell in love knowing that is one thing ( you figure it out from the beginning ) / but if you were her man in the bedroom and she knows you that way only it is rare she will feel differently overnight
6. Woman are only attracted to macho men so that is how you presented yourself. / ..I definitely am not attracted to macho men. Be yourself, be honest be real from the beginning.
7. She does not say anything and I know she saw my toenails painted so that means I can just do whatever cause she is fine with it now. ???/maybe she just does not want to fight and argue right now it does not mean green light .
8. She does not like it because I look sooooooooo much better than she does as a woman. ???/Seriously get over yourself and again what kind of relationship is this ?Sherlyn was beautiful but she always made me feel beautiful and first no matter what .
9. I have to wear dresses because she will not and the post is filled with put downs about the wife ./
Again get over yourself YOU want to be accepted for how you want to dress how hypocritical is that you put her down and comment on how your wife dresses.
10. She acted accepting in the beginning and now she is not. ../ I think many wives love you and want to show support and comfort and maybe think it is a phase. I think they still love you and hopefully things can be worked out. A better explanation is in this thread. https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...It-Now-I-Don-t


11) yikes
We were casually talking and she brought up such and such/ what did she mean? Do you think she knows? Do you think it means she is ok with it? ????../ Hello we do not know neither of you how would we know?.maybe communicate with your wife and find out.
12) I want to be just girl friends with my wife and talk girly things like makeup or nails things like that./ We have girlfriends and conversations revolve around life, family, politics, gardening or whatever hobbys we are into not superficial things.

Most CDers don't get anything wrong, most CDers wives don't like it, simples. Duh!

Love it Di, such a great post

Thanks for these great answers so far, keep them coming. I didn't mention it on the original post, but everyone is of course welcome to contribute, not just CDers. Some are fun, some more serious, some are both serious and funny. And some are visibly the expression of some suffering. All are interesting.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Dutchess

LOL that we wear skinny jeans .. No we do not , I haven't had a pair in a decade almost and I dont think Ive worn leggings since the 80s ..

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I am not sure about the skinny jean backlash that apparently nobody wears them.

My wife wears skinny jeans - we actually have at least 3 of the same jeans, just with her in an 8 and me in a 14xxl. She also wears leggings regular as clockwork.

Almost all of my colleagues wear skinny high waisted jeans if they're wearing jeans at all - only one wears baggies, and that's because it's part of her overall style.

That may sure be true in the UK Charlotte just not here . There are many fashion articles here talking about the skinny jean being dead . Rightnow the bootcut or just straight leg is more fashionable . Even the old 501s .

I think Helen told us that leggings there are not the same as here so we may be talking about two different things as far as leggings are concerned .

I dont know anyone who wears skinny jeans anymore from my age down to my 20 yr olds age EXCEPT my dresser ex husband .

They are a base part of the dressers uniform though so no need to be outraged t what I said ,wear what you like , i am not coming to take them out of your closet .


https://www.instyle.com/fashion/clot...r-denim-trends

https://www.elle.com/uk/fashion/tren...-style-trends/

https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/202...ol-millennials

Thank you Char, Dutchess, and Di. Hearing your perspective is so incredibly useful and I have found that everything you mention is true with my wife. I think many of us get so wrapped up in the CDing that we lose our ability to sense what the wife is feeling and the signals she is sending regarding approval or disapproval.

That said, many of us do have a need that is incredibly difficult for other people to relate to because they don't feel what we feel. There is a compromise position in most relationships where real love exists between the two people. It takes a long time to make those adjustments - been 9 years for my wife and me to reach a point of a little bit of acceptance and understanding that there is a part of my identity that is not exactly male.

The key for us was me adopting a more sensitive demeanor that is a bit more female like. In other words it is not the clothes; it is the behavior. She has never seen Gretchen and probably never will but she sees little bits and pieces everyday. They are acceptable to her and to me. Lesson: do what works and is good for the relationship. However, we need to work toward a point where a lot of compromises may be needed on both sides. The fact is everyone has a right to be who they are, but that right also carries a heavy responsibility to be sensitive to the needs of your partner's life and be willing to compromise with those actions that do not upset the apple cart. That works both ways. Communication is the key to understanding and the communication must be sensitive to feelings and not just facts.

My taking the approach of recognizing the truth of the things you three have said and working within those boundaries has enriched our 52 year old marriage. Thanks for your words of wisdom.

I'm a member of this site since 2015.
I came as a crossdresser looking for other friends to have sex.

Today I'm a transgender woman, still happily married with the same of the last 42 years woman.

More than 3 years in HRT has taught me some things about women because my mind, my body works as a woman now. I'm seen as a woman and treated as woman for the world, I'm not getting into more details but based on that I'd like to mention something g basic that CDers forget or don't know:

They still being men governed by testosterone. Most of the actions of a man are controlled for it and just to try to understand the the acts, feelings and thoughts of a woman are very hard because of the testosterone that even you dressed, act, go out and be seen as a woman, keep running in your blood stream.

I heard here so many times the sentence pink fog, for me is not more than a conflict between the testosterone in your blood and some misterious DNA that tells your brain you're a woman but the reason in it keep believing what was taught, practiced, believed for all your life, you're a man, then here they develop this ideas "my feminine side ", I'm happy being a man but I enjoy dressing as woman" "it harms nobody"

All those ideas are very wrong because are just the result of the conflict on your brain of what I just said.

So, the bottom line is your wife can.not understand or accept it because you can not understand it or accept it.

My advice:

Go.to your PCP, as for therapy, try an endocrinologist prescribed you HRT, just try for a month, then and just then, you will be able to try to understand your wife and clearly see all the more than 10 things you do wrong.

Mho.

Devi

I agree with Kim that Tolerance is not Acceptance. Nor is it Understanding. In my experience tolerance is best understood as a transactional balance. She will tolerate X in exchange for Y. If the balance changes you can?t blame her for changing her position.

Vale

Quote:

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Originally Posted by CharlotteCD

I am not sure about the skinny jean backlash that apparently nobody wears them.

My wife wears skinny jeans - we actually have at least 3 of the same jeans, just with her in an 8 and me in a 14xxl. She also wears leggings regular as clockwork.

Almost all of my colleagues wear skinny high waisted jeans if they're wearing jeans at all - only one wears baggies, and that's because it's part of her overall style.

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My wife still wears skinny jeans, and she looks damned good in them! I have a couple pair too that I wear in public, not the super tight skinnys, I just wear the super skinnys at home.

@Vale Really like the analogy.

"It is ok to borrow my wife's underwear, clothes, make-up..." WRONG ! No, being married or sharing bed is not a free pass for the wife's wardrobe ! You are all big boys now, you can buy your own !

Worse...Your daughter's things have to remain a no go zone...Never never borrow something from your daughter ! Your wife will never forgive such a behavior !

Generally speaking, don't borrow anything from any female relatives/friends/neighbours/... (fill the suspension points as you wish) without her consent.

Sorry if this was mentioned above, but one thing that some CDers get consistently wrong is when they believe that wives are jealous of their dressed husbands.

That they believe if a wife says they "accept", that they really do accept as opposed to just holding their nose and tolerating it in order to be a supportive partner to their husband.

I have been in the trans community for a long, long time. I have seen zillions of marriages that failed because of crossdressing and transsexualism, even when the wife starts out "accepting".

Hi Devi,

What you seem to be saying is that all males who crossdress are really trans women. I've always understood (and it seems to be reflected in the huge variety of people posting on this forum) that there's a TG "spectrum" of men who crossdress very rarely and/or under very specific circumstances to those who, like you, realize their true identity and go through the transition. But even transitioning has variations, from those who are content living as a woman 24/7 with no medical treatments, those who do that and have hormone therapy, and those who go on to have various surgeries. I find myself somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, enjoying wearing feminine clothing, makeup, and other accessories a lot of the time, but have no desire to live as a woman all the time or to transition. I've been crossdressing for more than 40 years (well, whenever possible - not in my first marriage), so I really don't think I'm kidding myself about this.

I'm relatively new to this forum and admit that I'm still learning, so if I've misunderstood your post, please let me know!

Cheers,
Larissa