Not-so-pleasant Outing

Yesterday, I did my annual Christmas shopping trip while dressed pretty. I am a guy who presents male, but wears women's clothes when I "dress pretty". My wife and I agree that we don't want our kids and friends to know about my crossdressing. So, one thing I do is go Christmas shopping about an hour away from home while crossdressed.

Yesterday's trip was kind of unpleasant. I wore a black dress, black pantyhose, black shoes, and a red cardigan. I went to a new town. The weather was less attractive in the more progressive town I normally go to. This new town is similar in size, but perhaps, more country. The reaction that I received from some people was like I had gone back in time. Let me explain...

Here are the reactions that one might get when crossdressed in public:
A: They look at your face, and then look down at your outfit.
B: They suppress a laugh and quickly turn to tell their friends.
C: They turn to tell their friends without laughing, and then they all stare.
D: They look away uncomfortably and avoid eye contact.
E: They try to greet you like they would greet you if you were not dressed unusually.
F: They greet you warmly, possibly more warmly than is common for you.
G: They celebrate you by pointing out your crossdressing and your freedom to do so.
H: They seem not to be aware that you are dressed unusually.
I: (Omitted to avoid confusion)
J: They say mean words to you or about you.
K: They never notice you.

In the above list, if someone notices you at all, then they do A (look down at outfit). But if they do A, then they normally accompany A with one of the other reactions.
Years ago, I would get several A+B (snickering), A+C (staring), and A+D (looking away) reactions. Society has changed and the first two reactions of laughing and staring have diminished a LOT. These days, I normally get A+E reactions (try to act normal). Occasionally, I get the A+H (nonchalant) reaction sometimes. It's nice to feel normal...

During yesterday's outing, I received quite a few A+C reactions (staring). In addition, two people openly said mean words. A woman encountered me at a street corner and said, "Whoa! (pause) Why are you wearing a dress?" At this point I was crossing the street. I did not have time to discuss and I answered, "I don't know." She kept talking as I kept crossing the street. I chose not to try to look back to her again, since she was not being kind. I heard her voice continue to exclaim and talk as I continued down the sidewalk. My friends, that has NEVER happened in my dozens (or hundreds) of outings. In a buffet-style restaurant, a man was seated at a table near mine. When I returned to my table, he looked at me and said (please excuse the crudeness), "At least you could have put on some titties for us to look at." I think that his comment was for the table beside him. I concluded that they had talked about me while I was gone. The couple reacted to his comment by smiling, but they might have just been reacting to appease him and not in an effort to be hateful.

Anyhow, it was like going back in time. People were so much less polite. It made the outing less joyful. I found that I started choosing not to encounter people. That is unlike me -- no matter how I am dressed...

To end on a positive note, there were numerous people who did not notice. Other people treated me with kindness and respect. Those people are always out there. The best experience: one store clerk was dutifully helping me. I asked her if she gets a lot of guys like me. She said, "Some. It's cool. It's fun." This woman was around 60 years old, I think. She stuck with me helping me shop for a blouse for myself. We found it, but it was $150... I did not buy it. This woman just talked to me about life and clothes and everything. She was nice and easy to feel friendly with.

Thank you.
Joey

Joey - this post is very helpful to me -and I'm sure others like me - who are on the precipice of stepping out. We must be aware of the range of reactions we can and will get, no matter where we go, and be ready to handle them. I think as our society has become increasingly polarized on many fronts, strong reactions both positively and negatively might be anticipated. Yes, A+H is the desired, but we might not get that as much as we like in all situations. Still, that should not stop us from expressing our true selves, or at least this side of ourselves. We are harming no one.

I try to remember a wise saying from a friend of mine: Other people’s opinions of me are none of my business.

There are places where being a MIAD is considered a political statement on gender identity. Some people will be triggered by this. Make no mistake. Those same people will see a CD, know that she's a CD, and not react because they have been conditioned to accept that transpeople exist. But a MIAD will trigger conservative people to no end. They think you are some kind of activist trying to shove modern gender ideology down their throats. Good to know these things when you are a MIAD hanging around in more conservative places.

Sounds like a mixed day. Good on you for not going home right away and sticking with you day out. I would not have had the courage to stay dressed with reactions like that. Whether people like it or not we exist.

Firstly you are not doing anything wrong ( in most countries at least)

I am reminded of a quote of a guy on you tube when asked "are you a boy or a girl" to which the reply was "YES"

If asked why are you wearing something the answer is "because I can"

LAstly don't let them get you down. :)

Thank you for your kind words. I am intrigued by Kitty Sue's comment, "I would not have had the courage to stay dressed with reactions like that." I remember being that way. Wow. I have changed. When these things happened, instead of unsettling me, it kind of annoyed me. I felt "What a jerk," instead of "I'm a freak."

To put more context in my experience: I live in a rather conservative part of the country. Conservative both morally and politically. The towns where I have done a lot of my Christmas shopping and grocery shopping while dressed pretty are kind of Hippi-friendly places. I find those places more kind. I see people's reactions that show that some of them have never encountered someone like me. In the grocery store, I see some of them get past it and react to me like I am not unusual when we cross paths later. That is pretty good. I also go out some near home. I might change clothes and eat lunch, donate blood, etc. during my work day. Where I live is not a very Hippi place, but I have similarly positive experiences. I have gone out and done things in other nearby towns that I would suggest are more conservative and had no problem. I have gone once to each of four different churches for a church service. One was old-timey Southern Baptist. In every case, I was treated rather well. People greeted me, talked to me, and shook my hand.

I like to had some cute but smart answered prepared since I don't think really fast on my feet.

For example, to the woman who asked, "Whoa! (pause) Why are you wearing a dress?"

I was going to wear slacks, but the weather was supposed to be warm today.

All my skirts are at the dry cleaner's.

I guess for the same reason everyone does, to show off my great legs.

I find gender roles are dying very hard around here - a CD still cannot use a women's public bathroom - when that happens - " Now I'm a Believer"

Conversations like this is why I stay inside my home. I don't have the strength to deal with the rude comments or hateful people. A thousand people might accept me for who I am, but that one person that makes some remark and it would all come crashing down.

In my case, I have extremely experience 'going out' since I am not clean shaven (I use the current face mask trend to cover my overt maleness). Only once have I dared closer contact and generally got no reaction, and I'm sure I do Not pass. I did note that one person seemed to look away, not in a pleasant way. That's OK since I didn't get dressed up and go out to please them, but to please ME.

I think part of the issue is why is the person wearing women's clothing? A lot of this has to do with one's comfort zone. I found being en femme as an escape from issues heaped upon me as a man. If I am seeking peace and tranquility I am not going to find it mingling with the masses. Giggles, snide comments, rude behavior, etc is a turn off. Sure, I can take my six foot/200 pound male body and walk through the mall. Chances are there will not be any physical confrontation. But, I doubt I will feel peace. When I did intentionally mingle with the masses it was at a much younger age and maybe 25 pounds lighter with a somewhat smoother complexion. The reactions were a mixed bag. A young cashier really did not know how to act. She just ignored the situation. I doubt she ever had any experience with cross dressers. A guy laughed his head off. I suspect he did not need to be buying anymore beer. DUI in the making. A woman in her late 30's complimented my presentation. If I were to find a social support group of like minded person I'd feel comfortable after putting my toes in the water. Until then my comfort zone is being en femme at home a la June Cleaver. I did that 24/7 for 7-10 days. I do take evening drives which end up with strolls in a quiet safe residential neighborhood. I am not a fan of telling somebody to "just do it." Do what is within your comfort zone.

Going out is not all that bad. I have had many boring experiences. I occasionally have very nice experiences. I can only think of ~5 bad experiences (mean looks or comments) that I have ever had, and two occurred this week. One of the nicest experiences I have ever had was at the grocery store recently. A woman came up to me after I finished paying for my groceries and she handed me a piece of paper that said, "You are beautiful!" with a smiley face. I have also gone ballroom dancing while dressed pretty a few times. At least three times, a woman approached me asking to dance.

Originally, I would avoid going places where I would encounter men. I am at least somewhat relaxed being around men these days. However, I still try to avoid "blue-collar" men. I have found it FAR more rewarding to go on an outing that has an actual purpose, such as grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, or flying to a destination. It appears to be a true statement that if you lift your head, move with determination, and act like you belong, people will react to you accordingly.

If your outings are to be pleasurable you need to look and behave like a woman who blends in. I see you say you present male and wear feminine clothes. That?s not easy. There are some horrible people out there. Take care.

As someone that used to do the MIAD look, I can tell you that that look will garner you a lot of attention, good and bad.
Since I started dressing fully I do not get the looks and giggles, I still get looks, not for being a man in a dress but because I present as an attractive fashionable woman. If you choose to present that way then you will have to accept that some people will take issue with it and be vocal about it.
Just my two cents on the matter. I have a lot of experience going out dressed and have not had an experience like that since I went all in.

Peace & Love
Gerri

My natural rule for dressing in guy-mode, for out in public? :)

Simple...


NO dresses or skirts!! :p


I also tend to shy away from bold or really girly colors that would instinctively attract eyes, no matter who was wearing it.


Other than that?

As long as it's well put-together & suits you & the environment/situation, then have at it! :thumbsup:

I?m 2 for 1. My first two outings?no problem. However, my third outing was similar to yours. The key, around here is to blend in. I agree with Ellie..keep it simple?no dresses or skirts. I?d add heels and hose, which may have been my problem. I always ask my wife?s opinion. Even though I wore black slacks with a plain burgundy top, she thought my wearing low heels with pantyhose and makeup might bring some attention. She was right. I should?ve taken her advice, but it didn?t seem right as I wear hose daily.

NancySue, the world has definitely become a much more casual (and boring) place. It's ironic that such a feminine item of clothing such as pantyhose is now considered unusual for daily wear.
What was once a staple in every woman's wardrobe is now a dead giveaway... "She's wearing pantyhose? Must be a CD".

Stop worrying about what other people think, me and a couple of the girls off here went shopping in the Mall at Manchester, boy did we have a blast, the thing is wasnt taking any notice who was looking at us, we where just being girls, loved it

I agree with Stephanie . It?s how you feel about it . Likewise when I was younger I would go out and buy dresses from certain shops without a worry. Now I am older I am not as comfortable or confident with that.as I am 6ft tall and a lot heavier. I would feel more comfortable in an accepting support group.It?s a tough place were I live CDs and gays have been attacked in the city centre. Anybody that stands out from the crowd or appears different are targeted.

I am so sorry you had a bad experience.

I go out all the time what I call "mixed mode". For me that's leggings or jeggings, hip pads, comfy top. My jacket is a nice woman's teal coat (was complemented once by a pizza place employee even). I have natural long hair which I will occasionally throw a few curls in. I don't shave everyday, so makeup is a rarity.
I don't think I've ever noticed any snickers or long stares. Ironically, for me at least, being out like that puts me at my most confident.
Going out, I'm a big fan of dressing to blend. I'm tall and I know, even with makeup I can't hide all my male attributes (stupid 5 o'clock shadow). If I'm blending, I don't give off that "Look at me!" Vibe. I'm happy with it.

Joey, I'm sorry the outing wasn't positive..

If you go out in public as a "guy who presents male, but wears women's clothes when I "dress pretty"", you will raise eyebrows at the very least. None of what you experienced should be unexpected. People expect men to wear men's clothes and women to wear women's clothes. Anything else and you are considered wierd at best and a pervert at worst. That's reality and it's not going to change. It's your choice to do this though if that is what you choose to do.

My choice is to attempt to pass as a female. I don't get out in public as often as I would like, but in general, people just walk on by as they would if I were an actual woman. That pleases me. Occasionally, I will get "that look" and that displeases me. It lets me know that I am not fooling everyone.

You haven't gone back in time; all these things and behaviors are still going on today. I'm deep in the closet, so I get to be a 'fly on the wall', and overhear the true discussions about LGBTQ folks that get treated where I've worked. And I've worked in emergency rooms now for over 40 years, and what the staff members say about us isn't usually pretty. Oh, you aren't likely to hear it, because it's frowned upon, but those attitudes still definitely exist in a huge percentage of the population; they just don't always express it.
Since hate is now considered acceptable thanks to one of our political monsters, it is more dangerous for us out in public.
Be careful out there. It only takes one self entitled loony to decide it's his responsibility to wipe us off the face of the earth because he thinks we 'might be a danger to the children' or some other nonsense.

Nice reaffirming post, Joey! I go out dressed often to bars and clubs. Some LGBT friendly, some not! And, I have had great times!:heehee:

But, I'm NOT brave enuff to go to Dennys or the mall dressed because all the uncomfortable situations I run into on your list!:sad:

And, when I'm out shopping, it's to relaxingly buy things. Not be stressed the entire time worrying about wasting my time and energy on other peoples concerns or distaste for trans!:doh:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sometimes_miss

You haven't gone back in time; all these things and behaviors are still going on today. I'm deep in the closet, so I get to be a 'fly on the wall', and overhear the true discussions about LGBTQ folks that get treated where I've worked. And I've worked in emergency rooms now for over 40 years, and what the staff members say about us isn't usually pretty. Oh, you aren't likely to hear it, because it's frowned upon, but those attitudes still definitely exist in a huge percentage of the population; they just don't always express it.
Since hate is now considered acceptable thanks to one of our political monsters, it is more dangerous for us out in public.
Be careful out there. It only takes one self entitled loony to decide it's his responsibility to wipe us off the face of the earth because he thinks we 'might be a danger to the children' or some other nonsense.

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People have grown to expect certain behavior from others over thousands of years. It's part of our culture (there are many different cultures around the world with different values and expectations). In the "Western" culture, men are expected to dress in men's clothing and women are expected to dress in women's clothing (although women sometimes wear men's clothing when employed in certain fields such as factory work, landscaping, etc.).

When another person calls you out because you are dressing or acting differently than he or she expects, this is not "hate", it's a lack of understanding. It's because they don't understand why a man would buy and wear women's clothes. I'm not sure most of us understand this ourselves but we do it and most of us accept it.

We have to be grown up enough to realize that we are not going to change the world, at least by ourselves. Maybe the public will understand and accept our behavior eventually, but it will take a long time for this to happen. Calling people "haters" when they have different expectations than we do is not going to change a thing. In fact, it prevents us from considering their point of view.

Try to understand others and hope they will eventually understand us.

Here is America, especially on the east coast, our society is getting very divided in what we see is a cause of bad economic and inflationary times.
These perceptions should be very concerning for all of us who get out and about in today's public scene.
I have noticed people who perceive me as TG believe I myself have contributed to our economic hard times by my liberal beliefs in crossdressing.
That is hardly the case but it is a "plausible stereotype" being cast upon those of us who are TG/CD.
Please consider going out with a friend or go to known LGBTQ friendly places or event, for the foreseeable future, as society continues to polarize against anything perceived as causing hardships in our society. :worried:

Hi everyone
This is an interesting topic that's also frustrating. For the life of me i don't understand why people think they have a right to be rude. I will share with you a true story from about 40yrs ago.
I was in a bar in Champaign Ill having a beer with a friend. A drunk guy yelled at a guy that looked very feminine and called the guy a faggot, everybody heard him. He told the guy to get his gay ass out of the bar. I was stunned to say the least.
Within seconds this big guy sitting next to me gets up, walks over to the drunk loud mouth and says (paraphrased for PG, MA) "The only thing i like better than gay sex is fighting" and instantly knocks this guy off his bar stool. He then tells the bartender the drunk is thru drinking but he is going to sit here until that young man finishes drinking so he can pick up the tab.

I tell that story because the rude idiots never consider that MIAD might be a black belt