Beauty in the Barnes and Noble, Monmouth NJ

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say so I'll just go ahead and write it out. I was out this afternoon, picking up a book for a neighbor with Covid at the local Barnes and Noble. I wandered around and saw a young woman enter, looking very well dressed but seemingly not sure about herself, taking short steps and hesitating in open spaces.

She was wearing a black sweater, plaid skirt, black tights and black patent pumps. What caught my eye, other than the awesome outfit was her nervous walk, a gait that looked oddly familiar. She walked towards the coffee bar in the back, got a bite and a drink and then sat near the edge of the sitting area. I passed by and believe she was a CD as well, possibly somewhere else on our spectrum but so reminding me of the times I've been able to be out in public. I so wanted to go up and congratulate her but also wanted to respect her privacy and presentation. As she exited without having bought anything, she nervously looked back into the store, not something you see too often but something I've done myself on more than one occasion.

She went to a pizza place nearby so I followed and had a late lunch (I really was hungry), hoping to find a way to start a conversation, share that I also was occasionally out as a woman and truly enjoyed seeing someone else like me though she was much younger and way prettier! I have to say that the clues I saw were that her walk was somewhat uncomfortable, she seemed to be unsure as to where she was going and her outfit was just too damn perfect for the setting. When she had her mask off (it's NJ, probably 50/50 for masks in most settings today) her makeup was well done and worked perfectly with her look. Occasionally she looked around somewhat nervously, spent time on her phone and I think the only reason I noticed any clues was that I'm a CD and have had the same experiences, gave off the same vibes and otherwise hopefully would not be noticed by anyone more than a few feet away.

As I sit here typing I'm regretting not having spoken with her, I so wanted to support and congratulate her for having just enjoyed being herself, then again any approach could be a seen as a challenge to her appearance as a woman.

When I put myself in her position, out as Jamie and just enjoying a day shopping, I think I would appreciate an honest opinion on my presentation as well as any advice, what say you?

Would you approach another CD in public?

Would you want to be approached? Context is important, let's say out during daytime in a shopping context?

Whenever I have had men give me compliments on my dress etc, I always assume they are club members (versus saying things to pick me up) and I welcome it. If anyone was to give me a critique, however, they would get an icy stare. In your case, it would seem your intriguing young doe would have gone up like the Hindenburg if you had so much as said hi.

Angela, and that is the reason I held off. She was confident enough to order at the coffee bar and pizza place so she must have been confident in her voice and then sat at each while enjoying her meal but when she was walking around the store she seemed to hesitate as well as her steps were not matching her shoes (they did match her killer outfit, way above the norm for the rest of the customers!). I was in full usual guy mode, sweats for a later visit to the gym and as a guess she was young enough to be a child of mine, so I worried about any comment being taken the wrong way.

Jamie, I've found myself in the same position several times, wanting to acknowledge an "obvious" CD and provide support for their courage in venturing out, which I've been too scared to do. But like you, I wanted to respect their privacy so didn't say anything. I am, however, looking for an opportunity in future encounters to start a conversation. Not just to provide encouragement, but to reach out and actually get to know another CD close to home! But I also would hesitate to do that if the person seemed a lot younger, so as not to be misinterpreted. I'm hoping that our friends on the forum will have had similar experiences and can give some helpful advice!

Jamie I don't think you did wrong leaving her alone, and maybe you would have done right encouraging her too, nobody knows. Anyway the fact that you hesitated that much is a testimony to your thoughtfulness. Like a famous quote goes, intelligent people are full of doubt.

Hi Jamie, Women compliment other women on their appearance or outfits all the time. I have gotten to where I act more like a woman when I'm out (dressed or not) and one thing I do now that I didn't used to do as much is compliment any lady I see out that is well dressed. My wife has always done that and so has my Mom, women do those things so nothing wrong with paying a compliment. I would never ask if they was male that would not be a good thing to do, no one wants to be outed. But I have had a couple of ladies make comments just in passing by about how I'm dressed if I did a good job that day.

A few years back we went out and we were in line at a coffee shop. As we were sitting drinking our coffee I seen one of us in line and I couldn't help to notice how well put together she was. She ended up sitting next to us and I wanted so bad to congratulate her on her courage and how great she looked. I asked my wife if I should say something and my wife told me not to say anything almost like I clocked her and maybe that would kill the confidence for her. I left it alone but believe anyone who has the courage to go out and express themselves deserves knowing it. I wanted so bad to give her that encouragement but didn't want it to back fire.

We see on this forum all of the time, CDers that are disappointed that they somehow "did not pass" while out in public. If you had approached her to "congratulate" her outfit or whatever, she may have taken it that she was "outed". I think you did the right thing by not saying anything.

I'm of the opinion that if this person went to all this effort to look that good, the last thing she'd want is for some random stranger to come up and basically say "Ha-ha, I know what you really are." It could crush what little confidence she has, and chase her right back into the closet.

It would be even worse if you're wrong and it's a GG. You'd have made a fool of yourself AND insulted her at the same time.

Personally, I think about the best thing you could do, if you can find an appropriate way, would be to approach her, interact with her, and treat her as a lady. Period.
If she's the genuine article - no harm done.
If she's one of the community, you've just given her a major compliment and a confidence booster as well.

IF you really feel the need to reveal your "secret" to her, you could try something like asking her where she got that (whatever she's got on) and say that you've been looking for something just like it.

Why would anyone want to clock a beautiful CD? That's what you would have accomplished by engaging her. Good thing that you didn't.

I can easily share the dilemma that most of you are chatting about in this thread. Many of us are keen observers of women and appreciate their style and presentation. We are also finely attuned to other Tgirls with our innate "radar" that can see through the outer package.

With that being said, I have observed many other Tgirls that not only have attracted my attention because of the quality presentation but also those little mannerism that we have enfemme. I have so felt the urge to compliment them as well as engage them in a chat, but I know from my own feelings when in their situation that respecting their privacy and give them their space is paramount.

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Originally Posted by char GG

We see on this forum all of the time, CDers that are disappointed that they somehow "did not pass" while out in public. If you had approached her to "congratulate" her outfit or whatever, she may have taken it that she was "outed". I think you did the right thing by not saying anything.

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Originally Posted by SaraLin

I'm of the opinion that if this person went to all this effort to look that good, the last thing she'd want is for some random stranger to come up and basically say "Ha-ha, I know what you really are." It could crush what little confidence she has, and chase her right back into the closet.
.

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Totally agree with Char and Saralin
Her outing would have been ruined that she was made.

Only once have I ever interfered and it was at my daughters restaurant. The poor dear has an Ill fitting wig and it was falling off. A group of teens were in a booth nearby laughing and tormenting her. I sat across from her and said as one female to another I would hope someone would tell me and hope she took it like that . Got my mirror out , got her sorted, my daughter brought coffee over and I said this is my daughter and I understand you are a regular. We drank coffee, she calmed down , the other table finally left and I never mentioned her being a cd.
I only intervened to try and help a bad situation.

Although you would have liked to have someone to talk / share & acknowledge it would most likely ruined her day .

I agree with Jolene, pay the lady a compliment on her outfit. There is no need to point out that she is a CD as that could kill her confidence. However, giving her the validation that she is successful in her presentation by paying a compliment to her, would likely boost her confidence. Sometimes saying the appropriate words, when warranted, will lift a person's self-esteem without having to address the obvious. She is out presenting as a woman, address her as you would any woman, not as a crossdresser. If you wanted to boost her confidence, you could have said something like, "Ma'am, that is a wonderful outfit. You look very lovely." I would have then waited for a "thank you", if she felt inclined to say it, smiled and moved on. I think that would have help her with her confidence without you coming across as trying to hit on her.

For me, that is how I would want to be approached if I was on an outing. I have people walk up to me and say "Thanks for your service" to me all the time. I wouldn't mind a compliment if I was out as Linda, of course if I deserved a compliment! LOL!

Random hetero men do not compliment women on their outfits. Ever. It just doesn't happen. Gay men? Closeted CDs? Absolutely. You have a choice in this situation, either satisfy your curiosity or let the woman exist in her natural habitar. I choose the latter.

A sincere compliment is always welcome. Very few of us can pass 100% so we all get clocked. I don't mind being clocked as much as being called Sir when I am clearly a Ma'am.

Peace & Love
Gerri

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Originally Posted by MonicaPVD

Random hetero men do not compliment women on their outfits. Ever. It just doesn't happen. Gay men? Closeted CDs? Absolutely. You have a choice in this situation, either satisfy your curiosity or let the woman exist in her natural habitar. I choose the latter.

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Good point. Perhaps this is a subtle way for us to acknowledge others out in the wild.

I'd like nothing better than having another girl (CD, Trans, or CIS) introduce herself and start a conversation, have coffee, maybe share a few stories or suggestions.
I feel so much more secure in the company of another.

From your description of her attire and what she was doing I suspect she just wanted to test the waters. If her mannerisms and gait were to suggest hesitancy I sure you would have spooked her by approaching her to break illusion she was passing. To me I'd call it a case of being seen but not seen. Over the years on this site sometimes I have been chided because I choose to be an in-home cross dresser. At six foot and 200 pounds and obviously a male what this woman is doing is out of my comfort zone. I sure there were other people in B&N who thought she was a cross dresser or a transgender woman and just left her alone. Would you run up to a random person and just start a conversation? Heck, if I was a young attractive cross dresser and a man twice my age approached me, I'd be horrified that he was a "dirty old man."

I always go through the "I wish I would have said something" routine after I've run into someone. But I think it is better not to say anything beyond the standard interaction and conversation I'd have with any woman I didn't know.

I have been complimented on my dress, a total outfit, my hair etc. One lady stopped and congratulated me on how well I coordinated my outfit. Pay her a compliment but don't make it about crossdressing. Smile and move on.

Jamie,

I receive compliments almost every time I am out in public dressed. I always dress more formally than your usual shopper. I am almost always in heels and something professional looking. (My avatar is an example. It was taken by my waitress in a local hamburger restaurant)

On my last outing, last Tuesday I received three compliments on my outfit while I was in Dillards. One was from a sales lady walking down an aisle , one from a maybe twenty year old girl as I exited the elevator and another from a lady shopping in the women's department.

I've received compliments in the checkout lines in target. As I was getting a basket at the entrance in Whole Foods Market a woman just gushed how she loved my Turquoise jewelry and she said "I know how expensive they are!" about my costume jewelry that none of the pieces cost over $5. The checker at the same market the same day said "You look amazing!"

Some may have commented to HEAR my response if they suspected I was a CD, but I believe they probably were sincere. It is very common for women to pay compliments to each other and there is no reason for you not to pay a sincere compliment, But you should NOT indicate you suspect anything unusual.

I had a man that was the cashier and the only other person in an antique mall talk to me and ended up saying " You are really put together well, I know how much trouble it takes to do all that!" To this day I'm not sure if he was himself a CD, or just a male trying to pay me a compliment, or hit on me.


Suzi Q

Seems like they broke the key rule of act like you belong. But treat them like you would any female stranger. A compliment to a CD usually means they've been read, clocked.

In response to Stephanie 47, admirers (chasers) do hit on CDs in public, but in the most inconspicuous ways. So these ones do deserve credit for holding back their compulsions. Or they could just be really smooth operators

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Originally Posted by Suzi Q

Some may have commented to HEAR my response if they suspected I was a CD, but I believe they probably were sincere. It is very common for women to pay compliments to each other and there is no reason for you not to pay a sincere compliment, But you should NOT indicate you suspect anything unusual.

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This has happenned to me.

I was standing at an intersection waiting for the lights to turn when out of nowhere someone with a woman's voice complimented my handbag (which, truth be told, was actually very nice). When I turned to look, it was an actual woman. Funnily enough another friend going to the same place I was going was standing there as well. I mentioned mentioned to him after the fact how strange it was to have a woman just come out with a compliment to a stranger and how that simply does not happen when one is presenting as a male. After a while, it occurred to me the lady probably just wanted to hear my voice to figure out my gender. I got a quiet chuckle from that.

Whether I'd approach another CDer or not is a more complicated question. It depends on the where, how we are both presenting and the venue generally.

If I did spot a CDer, I would probably observe them for a bit to see how comfortable they looked to decide whether to approach or not. I have never had that happen, though.

I'm with Monica and a few others here in the do not approach category. It's one thing for a woman to pay a compliment to another woman but otherwise in public it should be off limits in my opinion. Any guy (or even another CD) who approaches and makes a comment (even a compliment) to a CD can easily be assumed that the comment is being made specifically because the guy knows the person is a CD and if the CD is attempting to pass that feeling would be crushing. Have to respect the person's privacy at all times, in most cases I would think the CD is simply trying to blend in and any comment can be taken as being outed. Have to also keep in mind that in the instance that a guy pays a compliment to a CD, it will draw the attention of other guys (who could have disrespectful intentions) and thus could *really* make the CD feel uncomfortable. Obviously there are CDs out there who would enjoy a compliment, but the fact is when you see one you don't know which category that CD is in. By definition you are paying that compliment to thar CD specifically because of being a CD which they would have a keen understanding of that same mindset as you.

That brings back memories! That CD would have been me twenty years ago when I lived two miles up the highway toward there. I often shopped in that bookstore en femme. I bought several items in my wardrobe in the nearby shops, some pieces that I still have. I can resemble wearing that exact outfit that you describe in that same bookstore and feeling mildly nervous being out and about.

I think in this situation a discrete wave would be best. It let's them know you see them and support them without having to interact. I have both recieved and given such waves on numerous occasions. Of course if you see me out with any of my Transgender things I don't care come on up and talk. But I'm pretty much out and don't care at all. I wear transpride stuff so others will maybe see it and have courage to be themselves. I dont care if someone has a problem with me I am who I am and can handle myself.

I know that the first few times I went out in public I was nervous as all get-out. The only defense I had was the assumption that I would be read. I took it as a given. I have experienced some smirks, overheard whispers between a man and his wife, genuine smiles and more than a few conversations, all courteous and encouraging, but also fairly obvious indications that I did not pass. Had my expectations been too high, I migh have been crushed.

Not everyone is emotionally prepared for any of those eventualities.

I have seen other cross dressers out in public, of course. Some presented very well and others not so much. Eitherway, I chose NOT to impose upon them.

There are unwritten rules in the UK that would cover this situation. Unless you both have dogs you do not speak to each other. If you both have dogs chat away. 🐕😀