Shame and Embarrassment

Hi All,

I wonder how you dealt with accidentally outing yourself whilst dressed en femme?

I woke up this morning and put on a lovely black babydoll and let my long hair down. I was WFH and went to a team work meeting on MS Teams. I guess you know where this is heading? went to unmute myself so I could talk and accidentally hit the turn on video?

I managed to catch it within 2 seconds and panicked and quickly dived away from the cam lol and switched of the video. However during that hustle and bustle my manager said I had my video on and one of my colleagues said something about wearing a choker and they laughed (the babydoll wraps around and fastens behind my neck).

There were 12 people approx in the meeting and I just continued to my contributions. After the meeting I felt embarrassed but more so a deep sense of shame. I thought omg I just exposed myself to the whole team however that can be a stretch as some people just attend online meetings and just go away and do something in the background :) However SOME people must of seen. Granted wasn?t the whole Babydoll as the camera faces up, but they were probably aware that it was definitely something feminine I had.

Did a lot of research on shame on YouTube and suffice to say it stems from the feeling that it?s something wrong with me and not perhaps the act of crossdressing itself i.e the shame of being a crossdresser. I may be blowing this out of proportion, no one died, but just feel so low about the experience. As a consequence of this event I know I have to do a lot of work internally on myself and I?m not strong as I think I am mentally. I guess I give to much attention to what people think about me.

Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts or similar experiences?

Luv,
Sam

Wow, nightmare scenario come true. Well, you cannot un-ring the bell. However many were live at that moment, clearly you were seen to a degree. No doubt your manager has some questions. You need to take the initiative and talk privately with your manager. As for others who may have observed a glimpse during those moments of chaos, I would deal with their questions, if they ask, after you have discussed with your manager. Might also be a good idea to visit with HR as well.

I cannot say I have comparable experiences. I have come out to former colleagues and board members without any adverse repercussions. My guess is that if you are honest and matter of fact, you will be fine.

Thanks for the advice Kim. I forgot to add that I was fully in male mode with beard :) I just looked like a guy with a lacey number on so I think my colleagues thought why is he wearing something S&M feminine looking :) So I wasn?t en femme as such.

I wouldn’t say a word to anyone. Try as best you can to just move on. If they did perceive something feminine, I don’t think it will warrant anything more than a wise crack. I’m sure that your contributions to your work are valuable and that you get along with these guys socially, and that’s what will be more important. In time it will all be forgotten if you don’t make a big deal out of it now. If someone should ask a question, you can just put it down to kink.

As to the shame, as a male you were undoubtedly socialized to believe that men give up their man card when they exhibit any "feminine" behavior. I’m not a guy but I did raise three sons. I can’t tell you the amount of times they and their friends would chide each other for exhibiting any perceived weakness, which they put down as "acting like a girl". "Oh, stop being a wuss". "What’s the matter? Are you a girl?". Etc. And this was despite my raising them to know that it was OK to cry, OK to be afraid. And it was OK to play with doll houses when they were very little. I raised them to be sensitive, thoughtful, and nurturing individuals, knowing that they would grow up to meet strong, independent women (like their mother :)), and that modern successful relationships are based on fully equal gender roles. There is no room for the traditional macho apishness in modern marriages.

My sons are in their 30s now, all in successful relationships with wonderful women. They all support their wives, they all contribute equally to household chores just as their wives contribute equally to the household income. In fact, all my sons are awesome cooks!

I don’t know how the current generation of boys is being raised, whether or not growing boys still put each other down for not quite measuring up to the perceived male pecking order.

Nevertheless, you know there is a segment of our society that still will reject what they perceive to be a feminine male, and you don’t want to be rejected. This is perfectly understandable. Most of us want to be accepted, liked, or even admired by others. It’s all part of the social construct of being human. So please don’t put yourself down for feeling the way you do.

Just tell yourself there is an aspect of you that some people will never understand and so it serves your interests to keep it private. That’s all. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

I wouldn't say anything. Most people don't pay much attention to the screen in those things.

Funny how quickly the script can flip. You can be feeling so good about something then you get a flash of a different perspective, seeing yourself from the outside. BTDT... then took a couple of years off.

Since you were 95% male in appearance at the time, if you don?t want to confirm the outing, just say it was a Halloween costume you are working on.

I?ve told my wife and I?ve been in public dressed. Those two experiences are vastly different in the courage it takes to do (you put your relationship with the love of your life on the line when you tell your wife, the other is just strangers). Having your friends find out by accident is another, tough, experience. If it happened to me, I?d feel embarrassed , simply because I?d assume they would concoct all manner of thoughts about it. Since I didn?t have the opportunity to explain it, to control the discussion, you assume the worst.
But. You have nothing to be ashamed of. At 67, I?ve learned that this is me. If people are my friends, it?s because they like me. They may not know I have a feminine side in dress, but they experience some of Valerie every time we talk. You are not bad because you are driven to express some feminine traits. It?s who you are, who we are, and it?s actually a gift.

The lesson here is that if you are not prepared to be "caught", you shouldn't be engaging in risky behavior. Engaging in a meeting with a camera pointed at you and its activation only mouse click away is absurdly risky. Mind you, as a retired adrenaline junkie, I'm not bashing risk taking, but putting one's career on the line like that does not offer enough reward, IMO.

Sam,

I think it is best not to say anything and wait to see if any comments are made about it. Then you will have an better idea of what people did or didn't actually see. I know that to you the 2 seconds seemed like a long time but it's not. Some of the others may not have even been looking at the screen for those 2 seconds. You could always say you & your wife were playing around trying to come up with a kinky Halloween outfit & you forgot to change. Better to take some ribbing for that rather than the alternative.

Fifth vote for saying nothing or following suggestions by Reine and Fiona.

Don't say anything, and tape a piece of paper or a post it note over the comers all the time and remove it when you need too.

Sam, ReineD gave you the most perfect answer you are ever going to receive! Relax, are you ever likely to meet these people face to face. If not then why not continue to have some fun, unless you think it maybe career limiting.
Hugs, Sharon x

Sam, Yet another vote for doing nothing.

Great advice from Reine (as usual). Too late for you perhaps, but I always have a piece of paper over my laptop camera, just in case I accidentally turn the camera on.

If you bring the incident up you'll only draw more attention to yourself.

I agree with Stephanie, just let it go.

It's happened, move on, say nothing. Chances are nobody will have seen, noticed or cared. There are some easy ways to stop it happening again - one, don't mix work and non-work, two, stick a bit of tape over the camera, three, disable the camera in the devices part of set up. As for the other part of your question, the shame and how to deal with it - let it go, don't care about it. Any shame comes from within you so, let it go.

Here's another vote for "let it go." If anyone brings it up, just give a knowing smile and say something like "(my wife and) I DO have a life outside work." Then refuse to provide details. If you don't act like it's a big deal, it won't be.

Now if it threatens to impact your job, you might have to have "the talk" with management, but other than that, it's really nobody else's business.


I understand the feelings of shame and/or embarrassment. Been there. Done that, Got the T-shirt. But those feelings just don't help. ANYTHING!
You've done nothing illegal, harmful to others or for that matter - wrong. Probably at the worst, you might have given someone a snicker or two. There is no need to beat yourself up over it.

another vote for doing nothing. it should pass.

My thought is a hybrid one. I agree with the "say nothing" folks but I also agree with Kim in that you should think through various scenarios that could occur with a face to face meeting if anyone does bring it up. It happened and you can't do anything about that, but you really don't know what anybody saw if anything and who saw and who didn't or what they thought. It is possible some of them sometimes enjoy a foray into the world we inhabit. A lot of unknowns there and it is dangerous to act on suppositions. Chances are the whole thing will fade away, but that is not assured so it is wise to be prepared to deal with alternative reactions rather than assuming.

A similar thing happened to me that involved possibly visible panties. Flowered ones no less. I let it go. Nothing happened but eventually I could tell a few noticed and acted a little different for a little while. Nothing was said. It has faded now. They all knew that I generally don't act strongly male and am a bit more soft than the usual male. So, putting 2 and 2 together can lead to a possible result that I might be a bit on the trans side in their mind. It is personal and they leave it alone just as they should.

I would not talk about it try to forget about it and move on but learn from it. I know the feeling of shame that Crossdressing brings us I actually tell myself its only clothing I did not do anything wrong or hurt anyone but still struggle with it. Good luck

Hi Sam, First shame is a self generated thing and there is noting shameful about wearing girl's clothing especially if it makes you feel good. It harms no one and I know for myself makes me a better person.
Happy dressing always, probably hardly anyone saw anything they would pick up on and in a few days will forget all about it. Just don't think about it or bring it up by acting nervous are saying anything

Hmm. There's a reason that a lot of people cover their cameras with a Post-It or something. When I work while dressed, I try to wear something that would make sense if I were a cisgender female working from home. If I did happen to turn on my camera, then at least they'd see me wearing something presentable.

There is an old saying: he who excuses himself, accuses himself. As difficult as it is to remain silent about this, just let it fade away. Do not effectively do it twice by bringing it up. And cover your camera to prevent a repeat performance.

How do you know that one or more of them is not in a skirt, heels, and hose under their own WFH desk?

I think if you act like you did something wrong, for example if you go confess to your boss or HR, then you did something wrong. I'd be secretly just as embarrassed but I'd now act like it was nothing. "Oh that? You mean your wife's never pulled her teddy onto you in the middle of fun time?"

So are most of the participants also leaving their cameras off? I wonder what THEY'RE hiding.

I mentioned this elsewhere. I don't have a camera so it's easy to feel safe. I haven't installed any of these apps so I don't feel their intertwined with my computer. During covid they did do one or two of these conference calls. I never signed into anything just follow the link and it automatically took my currently active Google profile as my name. Something to look out for. I didn't say anything and no one asked. It was only two people and I'm sure they didn't care and I'm pretty much out anyway so it was all somewhat irrelevant but i rarely put it in front of people I try to avoid that.

Don't say anything is what I would do in a situation like that.
Before I came out (long time ago) I had posted a pic to a site some of my co workers visited.
The pic was up for 2 to 3 seconds before I deleted it.
One guy sent me an email and asked if that was me in that pic.
I said what pic? He said it looked like you in womens clothes. I said really I never saw it.
He went on talking about something else and nothing was ever said about it from that point on.
Now if you start making excuses and trying to talk your way out then everyone will know you were in feminine attire.

What did that babydoll look like exactly?

I don't think I can remember what any of my colleagues have worn in one of the hundreds of zoom meetings I have had...I think you should be fine

Another vote for not saying anything.

I don't dress while WFH because I'm afraid of doing what happened to you.

One thing I would add is check the company's diversity policy.

You may not need it but its good to know what it says if you do.

I all, thanks for you replies. Really appreciate the thoughtful responses.

Tbh, I think I?be down this out of proportion and feel that?s its not the act of wearing something feminine and getting caught that?s the issue, but rather what that incident made me feel inside i.e shame and embarrassment. In conclusion, I knew I wasn?t this proud crossdresser but rather someone who?s doing something in hiding and keeping it a ?dirty secret?.

I?ve not talked to my manager as that would off been too extreme. Here in the UK we are protected by anti discrimination laws. My current employer is very understanding of gender diversity issues and we are regular trained on it and also unconscious bias.

I actually had to catch up with a few colleagues after the meeting and they didn?t say nothing - which I knew they wouldn?t. Also I?ve been back in the office and again, no one has said anything. Again this relates to the anti discrimination laws and also the current environment around the trans conversation happening in the world. So they wouldn?t want to say something that could be perceived as an attack. But mainly I think it?s because they feel it?s none of their business what I do at home :) Like what most people say about going out dressed - the general population don?t care as they?re too concerned about what?s going on in their own lives to be concerned about yours.

Essentially this incident brought 3 things:

-Shame and embarrassment
-Placing too much of what people think of me
-Being a control freak (not being able to control the situation and narrative)

I think there?s a lot people who would like to go out dressed en femme and feel confident doing so. But if you work on the inside more I feel that this challenge wouldn?t be so much of issue of you have strong internal compass.

Sam xo

I didn't out myself while dressed; but, a woman who works where I volunteer asked me if I had bought a dress at Ross Dress for Less. It seems she saw me there. I told her yes and then she asked if my wife liked it and if I often buy my wife clothing. I simply couldn't lie; so, I told her I CD and the dress was for me. I was nervous outing myself but not at all embarrassed. I just owned it. We've had a couple very nice discussions since then about my crossdressing.

Although companies typically have a non-discrimination policy, when you are teleworking, you are still considered at work and dressing decently is generally expected from you as an employee, especially if you are participating in remote conferences with other colleagues and/or customers and partners. If you don't comply with the etiquette, whether you are wearing male or female clothes isn't relevant, it can be held against you as unprofessional behavior, no discrimination there. If you wear decent female attire, it shouldn't be a problem.

If it were me in this situation, I would not say anything, and just respond as needed it it comes up. Ur lucky, as Halloween is coming up and makes for a potential excuse....

Sam, I try to deal with my internal guilt and shame and embarrassment everyday( some days more than others). Intellectually I can accept this is something that many people enjoy, other people. For me it's a love hate relationship, while I love dressing and feeling feminine, I have very deep rooted feelings that I should be stronger and get over it already.

Like others have said I don't think you should bring it up ,but rather be prepared in case any of your colleagues do, and if they do , then own the hell out of it, because in the end who damned well cares but you.

Best of luck to you. I am sure all will be well.

I'm curious, its been 3 weeks.

Any blowback?

No nothing (just as I thought) I just overthought and ruminated on the whole situation way too much. Lol