Sexless marriage and CD

As a follow up to the thread on sleeping together, I have been doing some research on sexless marriages. Estimates vary between ten to twenty percent of U.S. marriages are sexless, but consensus seems to be about fifteen percent. Some research shows that the number of sexless marriages is going up, and it is just as often the guys issue as the woman’s. Here?s the question: Has your crossdressing negatively impacted or destroyed your sexual intimacy?

I will go first. At times it has challenged us and it has been my fault for pushing too hard. Fortunately, those awkward days are long past. We both seem to have matured past judging each other. Presently, as I have learned to respect the boundaries she has set, she allows a certain amount of crossdressing during or as a prelude to intimacy. And, fortunately, we remain sexually active and playful. Nancy

No change here. If anything intimacy sexual and otherwise has increased and I think that is a result of improved trust and communication. That started with me being honest about crossdressing. I have a sister-in-law and she and her husband have not had sex for 28 years. He has no interest at all. Sad really because that is not the kind of marriage she wants.

My marriage has been sexless for the past five years, but nothing to do with my crossdressing. In March 2018, I had surgery to remove my prostate, due to cancer. Although the surgery went very well, and I am totally clear of the cancer, there has been some side effects which have resulted in the lack of full sexual activity.
This does not mean a total lack of intimancy, or a deterioration in our married life, far from it, we retain our love and passion, for each other.

When my wife and I were first married (she 20, me 24) I bought her a nightgown that was a "medium." I was dumb as a rock about women's sizes. It swam on her, but she wore it. One night after she discarded it after a romp I tried it on while she was asleep. I was drinking a glass of water when she walk in on me. "Why are you wearing my nightie?" I told her the truth which was I liked the feel of the nylon fabric. For many years, I wearing a nightie and also hosiery, was an experience enhancer. I ended up with several nighties for myself that were bought together during one of our many forays into mid-town Manhattan lingerie shopping. It was not until a bra was pulled out of the bottom draw of my dresser by our three year old daughter that "The Talk" ensued.

For a period of time she shunned sex. Also, she told me to NOT buy her anymore nightgowns. She said I was probably thinking how I would look in them; not true. She did mellow after a while. Any decrease in activity is attributable to the numerous medical issues my wife has experienced along with the aging process for both of us.

Nothing has changed for us in that regard due to my dressing.
The only thing is that she prefers me not to be fully dressed. She's not into the lesbian aspect.

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Originally Posted by Stephanie47

For a period of time she shunned sex. Also, she told me to NOT buy her anymore nightgowns. She said I was probably thinking how I would look in them; not true. She did mellow after a while. Any decrease in activity is attributable to the numerous medical issues my wife has experienced along with the aging process for both of us.

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As with you, we had periods of time when we had no sex because of me and my pushing crossdressing. We, fortunately, eventually worked it out each of these times with my backing off crossdressing and agreeing to her boundaries. As far as aging, according to the Council on Aging, many couples experience better sex lives empty nest and post menopause and a “majority” of married couples continue to be sexually active well into their 70’s. We plan to be part of that group! But I realize various medical conditions like chronic pain and certainly prostate cancer can interfere.

She has accepted that a certain amount of femininity is just a part of me. I wish she would let me dress more, but I am plenty happy with what I have! Nancy

Our sex life had slowly been decreasing for some time when my wife learned of my crossdressing / gender issues and that decrease continued after the revelation until it eventually stopped. I can't say for certain whether or not the crossdressing was a factor but it certainly didn't help.

So while we no longer enjoy the sexual aspect of our relationship we still love and care for each other deeply.

we were never overly libidinous, but it certainly scaled way back once kids arrived

No sex her for over 12 yrs, but its due to my wifes illness not my dressing, I sleep in the back room which ive turned into a girlie room, no need to hide anything all my clothes are in wardrobes and drawers, I have full consent from my wife to dress whenever I want.

Our sex life went by the way side, when my wife had to have a hysterectomy because of uterine cancer, she is healthy now, but no sex life since. She says her vag is dead. But she has not touched me since either, not from the under dressing. But still have to watch what I wear and when. I still wear bras and panties dailey, and sleep in a bathing suit and stockings, and a bra, so at least I get to relaxe when in bed.

Unfortunately, sexless. But, crossdressing was only part of the problem.

Mod Hat on.

Anyone going into every detail about their sex life this thread will be done.
Some here like share every sex encounter they ever had with detail / no not happening.

For those that complain …...we are adults
Yes true but posting in the open section where anyone can read ( guests , curiosity seekers ect)
I never understand this when you have a private section why some want to share way to much.


So keep it light and within the rules we try our best to keep things open .
Fair Warning

ADD
I think it fascinating to understand if CDing contributed or not and important just please keep it to the OPs questions.
No play by play .
Thanks

It was positive from a sexual point of view, and then my wife discovered my crossdressing.

Since then, it's never recovered and is rare.
There was a GG on here recently who scoffed at the idea that women find their husbands less masculine and therefore attractive, however I firmly believe that this is the case due to the timelines and some comments.

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Originally Posted by CharlotteCD

It was positive from a sexual point of view, and then my wife discovered my crossdressing.

Since then, it's never recovered and is rare.
There was a GG on here recently who scoffed at the idea that women find their husbands less masculine and therefore attractive, however I firmly believe that this is the case due to the timelines and some comments.

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Charlotte, We definitely had some abstinent times related to her discomfort with my dressing, but we kept talking, and I kept loving and trying to be present for her. Do not give up or give in. Our marriage is too important! Nancy

We haven't had sex in a couple years, she went through menopause, she has no interest in being intimate. My dressing has increased quite a bit, she hasn't said anything about it.

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Originally Posted by NancyJ

Here?s the question: Has your crossdressing negatively impacted or destroyed your sexual intimacy?

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In the world according to Phil Rizzuto:
"OK, here we go, we got a real pressure cooker going here
Two down, nobody on, no score, bottom of the ninth
There's the wind-up, and there it is
A line shot up the middle, look at him go
This boy can really fly ... "

No, it has not changed our sex lives.

It has had no effect on my marriage, but my wife knew before we married. However, my former marriage, which ended over 20 years ago, was sexless and my ex-wife did not know I CDed.

I was never the greatest lover, but what there was of our sex life ended the day I told my wife about Giselle.
We are still best friends and married almost 39 years but the bedroom now is just for sleeping.

We have been in a sexless marriage for about 10 years. Since I started crossdressing a mere 31 months ago, that is not the reason. I lost my prostate to cancer in 2007 and suffered the effect of not being able to attain an erection under any circumstance. We still enjoyed sex in other ways for a few years (use your imagination). However, about 10 years ago my wife started experiencing some minor, but unpredictable, anal incontinence. She wouldn't allow me near her as she felt "dirty." Regardless, our marriage is every bit as strong, if not stronger, than it has ever been. We both have a deep and abiding love for the other one.

We are now sexless in the most common sense yet we are not. As a result of various events in each of our lives (prostate cancer, uterine cancer, breast cancer, and our advancing ages) the desire in each of us has vanished in the most direct sense. But we still express to each other the same feelings that previously drove us to have sex. In a sense we have replaced sex with other kinds of physical contact that we have found as satisfying or even more so in different ways. We were already traveling this road when I came out and my wife's knowledge of my gender variance had no impact on that affection, positively or negatively, except at the very first. Once we came to an understanding about that the short term negative effects faded away. But because coming out turned me into a different person in terms of personality as a result of self acceptance the effects were, in a round about way, positive on the totality of our relationship. Issues other than gender variance have been far more impactful and most of those had to do with medical issues.

But I do agree with your statement that a couple's sex life can get much more active when empty nesters and after menopause. It was great, but oh so long ago.

I don't thing my CDing has anything to do with it. I think it is strictly a hormone thing on her side. She just has no desire.
Actually, when she found out about my CDing, and we met with a counselor, and she came to terms with it, we were more active than we had been in a long time. If we do anything now, I have to start it with resistance, and that is getting tiring.

For me, sex and intimacy r related. After 10 years both of those stopped. The fact that I no longer found my wife attractive may have had some effect. She put on a lot of weight. And, maybe she grew tired of me as well. I proceeded with divorce after our marriage councelor recommended it!:sad:

My crossdressing only seriously began after we separated. It had no effect on my marriage issues or divorce.
It bewilders me how anyone can give up on their life and stay with someone they r no longer intimate with when they r still active and in good health!:doh:

Yes, divorce can be very traumatic and expensive. But, after it's done you'll be to free to live any way u like. In my case, that allowed me to become Sherry. And, at 80 Sherry allows me to enjoy my life in so many more ways than I could living as just another old man!:heehee:

If you're in an unhappy marriage now, remember u could be living your dream life, too!:)

Not at all related to my CD. Medical issues with each of us, lack of desire on her part. While there isn't anything physical happening, I feel we are closer today than we've ever been. 37th anniversary next month.

Has your crossdressing negatively impacted or destroyed your sexual intimacy?

No it actually enhances it...... shopping with her, home cooked dinner and drinks etc....G rated🥃

Can’t agree more with docrobby. i strongly believe we should pursue happiness and respect ourselves in a sense that this should come first.

In my case, back to the thread topic, CD is a great enhancement of our sex life. We both agree that without CD we may have not be together anymore.

Her version of complaining about my crossdressing is this: - you told me your were a CD when we started dating, that’s what I have signed for! :daydreaming:

My wife told me 5-10 years ago that crossdressing was a big turnoff for her, but it's not the only problem. Prostate cancer took a toll, as did my wife's hysterectomy and anti-anxiety medication. The last couple of years have featured added stress as my in-laws and my mother have needed help managing their affairs, plus my wife suffers from back pain. "It's a little bit of everything", as the song goes. My own libido feels weaker. These days, our relationship is mainly about being together and being kind to each other.

In my opinion, being in a sexless marriage is what brought on the need and want to crossdress. Divorced now mainly because of the fact of being sexless and happy now that I can dress whenever I want.

I am reminded, reading these responses, that couples in strong marriages adapt to many challenges, including medical issues that interfere with sexual intimacy. Seems like those sorts of issues (medical) are much more often the cause of loss of sexual intimacy than crossdressing.

It does seem, though, that for some, as sexual intimacy declined that crossdressing increased. That sort of begs the question as to whether dressing becomes a substitute?

In any case, I am grateful for what I have, for sure. I will say that we have made it a point to keep this aspect of our marriage alive (granted we have not, yet, fortunately, had to face some of the significant medical challenges that others have). We have faced (endured) menopause, and we are of course dealing with aging (we are over 70). We have made maintaining our sexual intimacy a purposeful priority. Neither of us want to lose it. Like the saying goes, “Use it or lose it.” �� Nancy

I believe you are right, Nancy. It is a matter of adaptation to the changes in our lives. Fortunately, we humans are really good at adapting to changes. Not perfect by any means, but very capable.

However, there may be a flip side to that coin. And that is the impact of stereotypes that we adopt and cling to that really don't fit any longer. Those tend to create a counter current that hinders our adaptation. In that instance adaptation becomes a stressor that leads to disappointments and dissatisfaction.

In my opinion that is a good reason to move beyond behavioral stereotypes that cause stress. Simply accept that things have changed and one must change accordingly. That induces creativity in finding other more comfortable pathways that fit the new environment in which one lives. And following those new pathways can lead to finding other joys that fit the new environment our values exist in. It is a bit like forcing and escalation in our need for dressing - it is fine for us but not necessarily acceptable to others whose values keep them from being comfortable with our forcing. The other affected parties experience a different kind of dysphoria that makes them push back against us. And that leads to more stress and a downward slope in the curve that is not helpful. Thus the happy medium achieved by the people involved adapting to each other in ways that achieve compromises so each gets something they need without forcing the other to give up what is important to them.

Bottom line is that change happens and to keep the peace we must change. Don't simply resign oneself to the changes, but be creative in the adaptation to keep it from feeling like a punishment for something one did not do. And exercise a modicum of selflessness in the process.

I would have to agree with Andreanna. My wife’s aversion to intimacy over the years has led to an increase in my need to dress. My need for the feminine presence has led me to seek to fulfill it my self. It’s as if I am striving to become my own woman.

In my case I have a boyfriend, and he loves my dressing in the bedroom (beautiful/romantic "wedding night" style lingerie usually) and our sex life couldn't be any better or more beautiful/sensual than it is. I feel for anyone who is going in a sexless situation, sex is a very important part of a relationship imo and I'm very lucky that my boyfriend and I have such a great relationship in that regard.

For me an my wife I would say crossdressing adds intimacy. My wife is totally comfortable with me as a man or a woman during intimacy. It?s wonderful.

My dressing and hiding it for so many years has caused my wife to lose attraction for me. She says I am not a man to her anymore. I said I am still a man and she said NO YOUR NOT. I do feel I am half man and half woman. We live as married friends but it has been very hard on my wife and I.

My crossdressing killed my sex life,wasn't that great in the first place. I also pushing too hard

We have a sexless marriage but I think it is because of both us are in our seventies. I so miss having sex but life goes on. Our relationship is much more like girlfriends that live together that need and depend on each other.

I was a turnoff for my (ex) wife. Frustrating for her. "I feel like I'm having sex with (different word we can't say on here) a woman!" I don't remember when she started saying it but she'd probably felt it long before she actually said it.

I always waited for her to initiate, which was a rare occurrence. I really thought I was being respectful of her by doing that. It also kept me from being rejected. Toward the end she succinctly summed it up. I told her I thought she just didn't like sex. She said, I LOVE sex, just not with YOU!" It was a very long time after the divorce that I realized exactly what that statement meant.

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Originally Posted by Julia B

For me an my wife I would say crossdressing adds intimacy. My wife is totally comfortable with me as a man or a woman during intimacy. It?s wonderful.

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It's more than "wonderful", it's "awesome".

My wife has never seen me dressed, even in pics, and she doesn't want to

Aside from a specific physical condition that precludes sexual intimacy, both males and females, if otherwise healthy, are capable of sexual intimacy virtually through the lifespan. We have set maintaining sexual intimacy as a goal, even as we age. We both have always enjoyed it and agreed that it helps us feel connected. We plan it as part of our lives, and due to being of retirement age, it does take longer than it used to, and we do it differently than we did in our forties and even fifties. Being that we are in an FLR, I can ask, but she decides when and if. But age has not stopped us, just caused us to get more creative. The only crossdressing involved is lingerie, but usually only underwear. She makes the rules in our bedroom. Nancy

My wife and I are intimate, just not as much as we would like to be. Three teenagers, all in different activities, keeps us very busy with very little time for ourselves right now. My crossdressing is not part of our intimacy. My wife is not attracted to women and does not want me dressed when we are intimate which is fine with me.

Medical issues have put paid to what was once a very active sex life.

Misty, probably the most sexually active and one of the most fun years of our marriage was the first year of empty nest! Enjoy the kids while you have them. Every life stage has pluses and minuses.

Gale, too bad that medical problems got in the way, but of course there is plenty more to being married than sex.

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Originally Posted by NancyJ

--------It does seem, though, that for some, as sexual intimacy declined that crossdressing increased. That sort of begs the question as to whether dressing becomes a substitute?---------

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On point with me, Nancy! I was so uninterested in women and sex after my divorce I consuted a urologist to see if it was old age? I was 50.
My CDing began to take off about then, too. But, it took a couple years for Sherry to appear. When she did? My sexuality returned and continued to increase along with my dressing!:o

Now at 80, I'm still sexually active which she's often the inspiration for!:)

Not totally when but slowly she lost in intimatecy but it happened. We have stopped sleeping together I am a very active sleeper not good for sleeping together

Well, CDing is not something we do together, neither I, or her, want to. Our love life is a little off through the years (mostly mine, I am over 60, however her libido is still good) but our marriage is NOT sexless.

It is complicated, but she knows that I crossdress, we NEVER talk about it, however she is happy to wear lingerie and panties, etc., that I buy for her and that she buys for herself. We enjoy it when it is on her, not me, and I am extremely happy with that. We love trance music and a fire on date night.

I think she considers it self centered, CDing and all that, and she does NOT want me to be self centered on date night.