Winding This Thing Down

I don't know that anyone cares, but I thought it worth a post to describe what it might look like when one of us (me) walk away from this to some large degree.

For several years now, things have been winding down. The precipitous drop came when I cut my hair, but I've still hung in there to one extent or another. For the last few years I've been traveling a lot and taking full advantage of adding a day or so to do my thing in the anonymity of some distant place with a paid-for hotel room that's a lot nicer than the places I used to stay when I was taking these little excursions on my own dime. I live by myself, and I'm totally free to do exactly as I please. I could go on, but suffice to say that the stars are and have been aligned to do this thing often and in a big way. It feel like such a shame that I, frankly, and just not into it.

I have worked on that, and tried very hard to regain that spark. I've gone out at all the obvious opportunities, bought a lot of things, gone places and done things I thought might give me back that old feeling. It just hasn't worked, and I'm tired of trying. It's not fun when you have to force it. I've done my share of self analysis on this. I really don't want to quit. It's been too much a part of me for too long. Oddly enough, I still get something out of preparing, packing, planning, buying... but the doing falls short. When I go ahead and get dressed and go out it's a drag (no pun intended). I don't even enjoy the process anymore, and the outing is no better. It feels like a colossal waste of time at best.

I've been out of town for the past week. An exceptionally nice place that would have ordinarily been near perfect for many outings. I even stayed over for a full day/night. I checked a bag will all my girl things. I did nothing, except make some decisions about where I am with all of this and what I'm likely to do about it.

I'm not quitting, necessarily, but I'm through doing it, any of it, out of rote. I'm going to stick with the things I still find interesting and some things that seem necessary. For now at least, I'm through fully dressing. I actually hope all the "old feelings" come back. I miss it. I'd run toward it, not away. In a large way, though, I'm giving myself permission to NOT do it, and after all these years, that seems like a strange thing.

So, what is this going to look like? I think what I'm headed toward will be adequately described as "situational". An element or two here and there that I can do in male mode. I've always done that, but fully dressing was really my thing, and the mixed things were for times I couldn't go all the way. Now, that's just where my interest stops. It's what I find interesting in others. I've seen a few guys over the last year or so who pull that off in a very interesting and confident way, and if I could land right there, that'd do. I won't be able to pull it off with the aplomb they did, but I'm going to give it a shot.

Specifically... I'll keep coloring my hair. I'll keep getting my brows done because I've don't it for so long that that's just how I look, not really a "girl" thing. I'm going to back off the mani-pedis every 6 weeks and save it for when I really feel like it. I do find it interesting when I see guys with nails and/or nail polish, so I'm still going to do that in male mode, I'm just going to save it for when I'm feeling it. I've lost interest to a large extent in purses in male mode. I'll still do it when I have a reason or if the mood strikes, but I'm over the "everywhere but work" thing. I'll still wear my leggings and big tops when it gets cooler, but I doubt if that'll be such a constant go-to. I'll still wear my BB cream every day because that's just my moisturizer. I'm interested in wearing makeup in male mode, but it'll be some "right amount of noticeable" that I have no idea how to do right now. Not full-on glam in male mode. I'd like to wear some of my favorite earrings in male mode, but that'll be highly situational, if at all. No dresses or skirts in male mode. It's just not my thing, and I kind of wish it was.

No point in going through every possibility one by one. You get the point. Boil it down to I'm going to wear wear more of what I want to wear when I want to wear it. If that looks a little odd or out of place, I'm OK with that. In my long history of doing this I've gone through many phases, and this is another one. I've decided that which ever way the pendulum swings, I'm OK with it. If I lose interest entirely, that's OK. I wish I had all my youthful (and not so youthful) enthusiasm for it. I also wish to just be youthful, but I accept that's not in the cards. It's been quite a good run in many ways. Tragic in others. I'm not at all depressed. Quite happy, actually. I accept that I'm moving into another phase of life, and I'm going to do things a little differently. I'm going to focus on getting back to having FUN with it!! When you do it frequently and with no constraints, it's just not as special or fun when you do it. I remember when it was so exciting!

I'll still be on here. I hope I've gained perspective over all these years that is worth contributing. The only difference is I'm not going to be actively, completely, crossdressing. Maybe my contributions from the other side, or at least another side, will be worthwhile. They'll be worthwhile to write, even if they're not worthwhile to read. I guess this is just the next step in the continuing saga.

Quite a thoroughly thought out post Ronda. Life is full of phases. I have completely stopped several things over the years. Golf, cycling and surfing come to mind. All things I did regularly for decades. Cross dressing though has always been there since my earliest memories. For sure it comes and goes, but I can't ever recall a period when I have not enjoyed it. I hope you find the pink fog again. It really is a most wonderful thing.

Seems like a reasonable way to approach your life going forward.

I must notify you I'm reporting you to the Crossdressing Review Board to let them decide if your CD license should be revoked.

There are people here who think that wearing panties that look like briefs or wearing clear toenail polish under their work boots makes them a crossdresser. And others who don't think it counts unless they dress to the nines every single day and make multiple stops into businesses that they didn't even need to go to, with photo shoots in each one. And everyone in between. Who cares? Do what you want to do, no more and no less (ok, many of us do less than we want). Tis all ok.

In our situation it seems like things change in different directions at all times, sometimes it's just a matter of seeing a women wearing something and the spark lights up again. When my children moved out unexpectedly my wife was so concerned that Maria was going to evolve. Instead the total opposite happened, I ended up just being happy watching tv with her before bed in a nighty or full slip. I barely fully dressed and even my wife was shocked because I was always trying to get time to fully dress. Now it's like a roller coaster, I may fully dress this week and next week only sleep in a slip and the week after that it may be just underdressing with panties and pantyhose. I do even notice at times getting older I am loosing a little of patience and just the thought of the clean up and putting stuff away does discourage me. Well keep us in the loop of what phase your going through.

I have felt the same recently. Lost the spark seems more like a chore than fun. A couple of bereavements , non accepting wife , health issues , work etc . Even been avoiding this forum which is unlike me. Think you have hit the nail on the head regarding fun. It was always previously a fun activity . Maybe the enthusiasm will return along with the fun .It has in the past. I do hope so.

Rhonda Jean, Good luck with everything, you have always been one of the most interesting members we have.

Life never stays the same and it is really good to think it out and have a plan!

Rhonda Jean, my need to dress ebbs and flows, so not unexpected that yours would too.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by OrdinaryAverageGuy

I must notify you I'm reporting you to the Crossdressing Review Board to let them decide if your CD license should be revoked.

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I've been sneaking around the men's department looking at underwear and hoping nobody sees me! Not entirely kidding about that.

I'll aways be a crossdresser. The manifestations of it have changed many times over the years. It's only been in the last few years that I've felt like I could walk totally away from it and not miss it. I'm tired of obsessing over it. Tired of it dominating my thoughts and infiltrating into every action. I'm not going to walk away, but I have to find the balance, and the balance point now is very different from where it was 50 years ago, or 5. I miss the thrill, excitement, and the personal satisfaction that this gave me for my whole life, and it's not an easy adjustment. It's not quite as easy as just doing or not doing something on a whim, although I can't really explain why it's not.

I'm familiar with the ebbs and flows. This has not been a lifetime of "run to the top". The question that is often asked by SO's as well as ourselves is "Does this ever stop?". The typical answer is no. Now my answer is, maybe.

I think it's worth exploring, and I think it's worth an honest reporting on this forum, even though it's not what we usually talk about. I'm aware that it borders on anti-crossdressing and it's definitely not the fun stuff.

As I see in a few of the replies and some PMs, I'm not entirely alone in this. It probably could stand to be discussed more in depth. Thing is, when someone gets like I am now, the tendency is to drop out of sight on the board. We lose what I think is a valuable perspective. Honestly, I don't know how much of it I would have read before it happened to me, but I think we're better off if that perspective is there than if it's not.

I think it's worth noting that when I was married and very active in this thing, when those slow-downs happened I was afraid to slow down for fear of losing ground with my wife. That was always short lived and it always came back. If I/we had had some realistic perspective, the break would have probably been good for both of us. I think we don't do a good job of dealing with that.

This is a work in progress.

Rhonda Jean,

Please continue to stay on line, even, if you don't answer. We value your opinion and enjoy your comments. You've been on here a long time
and are a friend. Keep the faith,,,enjoy.

Davina

Rhonsa Jean, thank you for deciding to tell us your thoughts. I'm 65 and only started fully crossdressing last Sep, after my wife passed away in July. Prior to that I had underdressed for the last 20 of our 28 years of marriage. I'm sure that everyone who crossdresses has a different reason and different feelings about it. For me, when I finally bought a dress and wore it for the first time last year, it was a feeling of it being right, normal and natural to wear a dress.

I hope you don't completely walk away from this part of your life but if you do please do continue to post on here and let us know your thoughts and feelings. So all I will say is that I wish you well and hope to keep hearing from you on theses forums.

Do what makes you feel the most comfortable, don't try and force anything.

Is there a possibility that you are becoming more comfortable in your self, and it is no longer entirely about the clothes?

I appreciate all these comments so much! Thank you!

Honestly, Laura, I just tired of it, bored with it, too lazy to go through it all... Lots of ways to describe the same thing. I've done this thing in a pretty big way for a VERY long time and I've just kind of run out of gas for it (See! There's another phrase for it!). I think it's worth talking about because most of us have probably wondered if there's an end to it. I know I did. I have given pretty serious thought to how I was going to navigate assisted living and had pretty well decided I'd just dress and everybody would have to deal with it. Might still.

For those who care I'll reitterate, there's nothing wrong with me. No depresesion, anxiety, none of that stuff. I'm fine. I'm not purging. Well, maybe some but it was time for some of that stuff to go. I cycle through clothes at a pretty rapid rate during even the best of times. I don't worry about getting rid of stuff. After all, my major cding activity is shopping.

I always figured if I quit it'd have to be forced. I'm surprised that I don't feel a lot of angst about it. Maybe that'll come, maybe not. I'm pretty at ease with it and whatever happens happens.

I may well be back on here talking about an outing of some sort, dressed to one extent or another. I'm not saying I'm going cold turkey. I'm saying I'm uninspired. Maybe I'll get inspired to do something, and if I am I'll do it. Right at this moment the inspiration gauge is at zero.

Thanks again for all the good wishes! I'm not going anywhere!

OK what I'm about to type has nothing to do with CDing. Just life in general, for those of us who are middle-aged plus.

Do you remember how ravenous you were as a child when you came in near dinner time, after an afternoon of playing outside, and how good your favorite meal tasted? Do you remember the fantastic ability you had to immerse yourself fully into your imaginary play world? Do you remember laughing so hard with your friends when you were a teenager that your sides ached? Or how fully you felt the music you all listened to? Do you remember how intensely you felt that jealousy or despair (if ever you were in that situation) when you perceived that the person you loved looked at someone else?

My point is, no matter the experience, do you remember how intense it all was when younger?

I'm noticing in my own life that things are much calmer now, more on an even keel. The highs aren't quite so high and the lows, not quite so low. I can't even remember the last time I cried. Years and years. I don't know why, or if this is the case for most others. Maybe we become a bit jaded as we age. Maybe our senses dull a bit. I miss the intensity of my feelings in the years of my youth, but there's also something to be said about acquiring the wisdom to know that all things pass. It has turned me into a calming and reassuring influence in my children's lives. I can assure them with utmost certainty that everything will be OK, when they hit their lows.

So maybe what you're going through is just part of the normal cycle of life?

Well put ReineD. That sums up my life (apart from the crying bit, I still get emotional lol) life does go in phases of ups n downs. Is a bit like that other post about summer dressing vs winter dressing. Over the years I have refrained from dressing for periods as it wasn't needed but then all of a sudden it returns. Strange how the human mind works

I hope you do stay on the forum Rhonda Jean. Your commentary and experience is always fun & enjoyable to read.

Maybe with some time, you will be feeling it again..

Emily

I agree with all that, Reine, except the "normal" part. I've cycled through a lot of things, cd related and not. Part of what I'm feeling is the futility in chasing my youth, for sure.

The "feeling", whatever that is, has been pretty much gone for quite some time. I kept pushing because with my travel I had such awesome opportunities I would have killed for in my younger days. I occasionally had blips of interest and a time or two it was great, but over all it was kind of blah. I kept hoping something would would get me excited about it again. I had a spurt of it when I stayed at the Opryland a while back, but even that was short lived. Almost a drudgery.

I think this is beyond not being in the mood and different than just getting tired of some hobby, and I haven't experienced such a dramatic shift with anything else in my life. My general attitude towards it is I've BTDT and I'm just tired of it, and I keep wondering if this is how it ends. I may feel different about it come fall. My favorite. I hope I do and I can take all this back. I hope it's always part of my life, but I don't want it to ever be the obsessive, dominating thing in my life again. I know I don't have the energy for that. TBH, I don't look like I used to. I know. Newsflash! Who does? Thing is, this thing we do is so tied to that. I've adjusted to that perfectly well on the male side, but the female side is a whole nuther matter.

I'll say again, I'm OK with whatever the outcome is!!! I'm also not going to think that I can't get my nails done or wear whatever because I made a post about not doing it on here. If the mood strikes, I'm going to do it. I hope the mood strikes!

that is a wonderful post, thank you.

Rhonda Jean, for whatever it is worth, I can relate. Over the past few years, I have purged most of my things, some that are probably not replaceable and now only have a small collection that I visit less frequently. Like you, the interest is still there but it is not the draw that it once was. And while I still consider myself as part of the cross dressing community, I am probably mor of an observer than a participant.

There's the pink fog and then there is the malaise. The ocean is never flat.
I believe anything vastly enjoyable can have a moment of 'why am I doing this?' or a case of 'whatever!' but then,
something will re-spark that interest.

Like seeing a young lady in cowgirl boots and hat with a short lace dress.

It may be more common than I thought. I looked back at some threads and some old friends. A lot of people have dropped out of sight. There are a few that I think of fairly often and wonder what happened. Looking back reminded me of a lot of others. It has always kind of bothered me when someone just disappears. We get to know each other on here, and it seems like it'd be worth at least a mention as to what is going on. The only one I remember talking about it much is Sara Jessica, but here last messages about it were kind of cryptic. I think she probably went through something like I am, but she never said that directly as far as I know. I'm sure that whether one talks openly about it or not on here might have something to do with how deeply you were into it and your connection with this forum. As I'm saying this, I disappeared for a while with no explanation. Sometimes the reasons aren't up for discussion on here, so I have to apply that to others as well as myself.

Another thing is I think a lot of us think our stories aren't very interesting to this forum if they're not about some outing, purchase, or relationship. Maybe I'm different, but that's not the case with me. I've always been kind of analytical about what I do and why. I think we ALL have fascinating stories. We're getting to a point where this forum has been around long enough to document years and years of our lives, stages, and changes. That has never been done before! The psyc community would do well to study this forum. There may be no greater depository of of cd/trans life experience than right here!

I've been on this downward trend long enough that I think it's worth talking about whether it's a lasting conclusion or not. I'm leaving plenty of room to come back and say "Woops! I'm back!!" and make no mistake about it, I hope that happens. I know I'll dabble in it here and there, whether that'll be a symptom of a slow death or a resurgence, I guess we'll see.

I can say not that this is a process. Seeing and living life with cding in the background (I can't say non-existent) is different. For me, I've adjusted to having short hair. Men's haircut short hair, for the first time in my life. Sound like making a big deal out of nothing? I can accept that, but it's not for me. People treat me noticeably different. To be totally honest about it, I kind of like it! It feels pretty good to fit in. I don't think I fully understood how much I didn't fit in until I did. Along that same line, I wore my nails very long until, well, it's been a while. I can't say exactly. In a lot of situations I walked around with my hands clenched to hide my nails. That was a pet peeve of my ex. Probably not as much as the nails themselves, but it was a peeve of hers, it looked strange, a lot of people noticed, and it wasn't much better than just letting my nails show. It became such a habit that I still think about it in a lot of social situations, and TBH it feels pretty good to not be self conscious about my nails anymore.

There are a lot of similar things I'll spare you from right now. Maybe later. I guess if this is boring, you don't have to read it. It's an account I would have loved to have seen from Sara Jessica and many others who have dropped out of sight. I don't think there's any shame in it. It's all part of the story.

Sometimes a person has to roll with the punches. I went from taking off a "therapy day" from work when my wife was working. Then, I retired and she was working. It was great. It was "Stephanie Day" all the time; domestic goddess in heels and dresses, maintaining the home. Then my wife went into retirement mode when she came down with breast cancer (five years free now). Then back to work for her. The Covid hit. Then she said "screw it" and fully retired.

Fortunately, she and I sleep apart due to snoring and tossing & turning due to back pain which allows me to sleep in bra & panty under either a full slip or a nightie. As I am banging away on this keyboard and sipping my second cup of coffee it's a white bra and panty under a below the knee white Velrose full slip. I've become more addicted to on-line panty shopping. Tomorrow an order of Vanity Fair panties will be arriving by Fedex. Truly, I need more panties like I need another hole in my head which it seems I do need. Life throws in curve balls and once in awhile, a sinker.

Truly anything that is meant to be enjoyable shouldn't be a hassle. Observing my wife, as well as most older women, they dress most days avoiding hassles. They only put just enough makeup for what ever reason they have to go out. They dress comfortably to the surroundings that they are stepping into. Well, maybe that same thing is happening to us old CD'ers too. I just want to get comfortable, and by that I mean I only dress in what ever suits my fancy. Scrap the makeup, wigs, heels, and wear my under things, skirt, and hosiery. Yea, I look like a MIAD, but who am I fooling, I've looked that way for years. So who says that we have to follow the social conventions of some dress code? I got news for all of us, we haven't followed social conventions of any dress codes ever! Wear what you want and don't wear the other things that appear to be a hassle. Life is to be enjoyed, if you look ridiculous, so what, just enjoy life.

Thank you❣️ Your story makes me smile, very familiar in a way💕

Wow folks, as a 60+ cd, I have experienced the same, my desire when I get the perfect chance to totally ‘doll-up’ has vanished. I recently went out of town and had the perfect opportunity to put on full make-up, and I could not bring myself to do so. The getting back to boy mode, and erasing all traces of make-up on my face just has gotten too hard, and as my skin thins, using makeup remover irritates my skin and leaves my face red the next day - which has invited questions from the wife, and excuses that oh, it’s dry air. Not to mention, I am not happy looking at the old lady in the mirror in what once was a sexy outfit. I am much happier spending my quality alone time in a pair of sports leggings and a comfy shirt, sans bra, wig and makeup.

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Ps, on my last outing, as I was shaving at 5pm after business, but not putting on foundation, blush, eyeliner, eyeshadow, mascara, powder, only lipstick and liner (not long lasting), I thought of the book the lazy Crossdresser, and I chuckled, that it was ok not to go all out.