For the closeted... How badly would you like to open that door and why not?

I am closeted. I keep the door closed mostly for those who might be affected by the disclosure of my true taste. I am a man-in-a-dress, or more accurately, a man-in-leggings. I present male, beard and all, but my preferred presentation would be to openly wear things from the "women's department". I do not present that way in public because of the stress it would put on my loved ones.

I pulled out my tubs of winter tops yesterday. I sorted through probably 30 or 40 items while wearing a pair of black leggings. I was struck by how much I enjoyed wearing the different items and how strongly I would like to just own my taste. I looked totally male, although most of the items were decidedly feminine. I loved the contrast of a cute sweater with my broad shoulders and my beard. I'm learning more and more that I love being "that guy".

Like I mentioned, I don't own that guy because of the likely effect it would have on loved ones.

I'm out to my wife, and have been out dressed a few times over the years... but am not "out" to anyone in my family/social circle. I DEFINITELY would love to be able to do it more often, but largely for family and friends who would not accept this without much ridicule, I don't. The company I work for is quite tolerant, but I'm sure it would still diminish me greatly in many of my co-workers' eyes. I'd like to not give a rat's rear end what people think, but life is stressful enough. I also wonder if there's a difference between accepting sexuality choices, or full TRANS choices... and someone who just wants to wear women's clothes. It seems this might be less understood.

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Originally Posted by VS Fan

I I also wonder if there's a difference between accepting sexuality choices, or full TRANS choices... and someone who just wants to wear women's clothes. It seems this might be less understood.

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You make a good point. From the outside, my preferred presentation would not give others a clear cut idea of who I am. I'm sure many would assume I'm gay or trans if I publicly dressed in my preferred styles. I'm not attracted to men and not wanting to attract men. I love being a hetero/monogamous man but I'm sure that I would NOT attract many women. I'm ok with that.

I understand where you are coming from. Due to many circumstances I will not put certain individuals into an awkward situation because of my clothing choices. My wife is the only one who knows about my particular tastes. In my case it is undergarments mostly. Hence I underdress all of the time, with her occasionally telling me if anything is showing while out in public. I really love to wear hosiery and skirts, which if a could go out without anyone knowing, I would go out for a walk in a heart beat. I do am just a guy, who looks like a guy, who would wear his lingerie and go for walks in hosiery, skirts, and running shoes, if it didn't cause a problem. But, it would.

hello Bea.
as a bearded man in a dress I regard my dressing as being private rather than secret.
I will wear unisex clothing, jewelry, make up and perfume in public.
I don't wear a dress or skirt in public. Nor would I wear men's pajamas and a dressing gown in public.
Does that mean I am closeted?
luv J

I don't actually have a lot of friends, but like many men, I share a number of acquaintances with my wife (the old joke...men don't have friends, they have wives who have friends who have husbands)...and there are several that I'd be more than happy to be out to. But y'know the old story about putting toothpaste back in the tube....once one other person knows then you can assume pretty much everyone knows. Not that that would necessarily break my heart, but it would probably negatively effect my wife.

I'm closeted, but I stay I'm closeted with the door cracked. I publicly go out with my nails painted, with perfume and women's jewelry on, and sometimes even eye shadow. I think my family knows but just doesn't want it confirmed. Everyone else I think just won't say anything, of course the question won't be "are you a crossdresser" it will most likely be "are you gay" in which case the answer is no. If someone were to ask me I wouldn't deny it. It's mostly my wife who wants to keep it a secret so I leave the door shut but cracked for her.

Bea, I'm a closet CD who didn't begin dressing until I split from my ex. I only dressed when she had the kids. And, even when they were older I didn't wish to tell them because it would be a burden for them to keep my secret!:doh:
However, they r all grown and know now.:thumbsup:

Unfortunately, many years ago I invited a new dresser here on CD.com to come to T Girl nite in Long Beach. I even invited her to our small group of T's who met for dinner 1st. When she arrived, a large girl, wearing just a dress with no forms, wig, or any other fem accessories, I could see some other T's were critical. Mostly she was ignored during dinner and didn't show up at Mary's afterwards. My T buddy confided that she was embarrassed to be around the new girl because she was such an obvious MIAD and made no attempt to hide it!:straightface:

I felt terrible because it was my fault for inviting her to dinner. Naively assuming T's r accepting folks. I'm here to tell u that thru personal experience, many r not! Even after all these years when Sherry shows up some T's that r just fine with me dressed, turn away!:eek:

I really would rather leave that door closed! I love going out fully enfemme but would not feel comfortable around anyone I knew locally. Not that they would recognize me very easily. I don?t care what other people think of the way I dress, other people I do not know and have to live around, not that I have that many real friends (has to do with the big C). Still, not going to see me mowing on my John Deere in a dress with full makeup any time soon!

Im at the point in my dressing I would like to come out to my wife but struggling to find the nerve to tell her about the joy wearing womens clothing gives me. I have no desire to share this side of me with any other family members or friends so I will continue to dress in public alone or in private.

The reply from VS fits me to a T. I have 4 brothers and no sisters and my mom is still alive as well. I know I probably couldn?t tell 1 of them without the word spreading like wildfire. I also work in a predominantly male trade, and I hear what everyone there says if someone is remotely feminine in any way. As said here, life is stressful enough without adding to it. My wife knows, and I?m good with that??for now.

Jocelyn,
I'm retired and I can tell you that I would NOT have ever allowed anyone I worked with see my feminine side. My dad's been gone for almost thirty years and my mom for ten years. I rarely see my siblings and would not want them to see that side either. My wife and my therapist have seen my feminine presentation and a couple of sales associates have gotten a glimpse.

I don't present AS a woman but rather as a man with a feminine aesthetic. I've been transitioning my wardrobe a bit to get ready for cooler weather and, as I've tried things on, I've been having a hard time reconciling how much I enjoy my preferred wardrobe versus how I have to hide any evidence of my aesthetic.

I spent my day yesterday wearing leggings and trying on a multitude of tops to verify fit and to reacquaint myself with some things I'd forgotten about. As I tried things on, I felt a nagging disappointment that I'll only be able to wear those things around the house.

The ship for any outward acceptance from my wife sailed a long time ago. My wife said, "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman." I pestered her to the extent that I came to realize it was akin to spousal mental abuse. If my wife were to reluctantly give me a nod to prepare dinner attire in a dress and heels and all the proper undergarments (pseudo breasts included) I would not feel comfortable. Her heart would not be in it. When I went on a ocean fishing trip for salmon she said "Go, have fun, but don't expect me to clean it." She basically said the same thing about my cross dressing desire when we had "The Talk." Se said it was alright with her if I wanted to join a support group. I looked (mid 1980's) and none were to be found. I have to make the assumption my kids and their families do not know of my needs. How would this knowledge change their perceptions of their father? Grandfather?

Bea, I think we're close to the same (minus the beard). I'm a guy and there's no way to avoid that, nor would I want to. I love women's clothes (no, they're MY clothes!) but I don't look like a woman at all, which is fine since I'm not and can prove it. I wish society would allow me to wear what I like wherever I like, but that's not reality. My wife and a couple of the kids are all that know that I lounge around in skirts and cami's. I am spending more time in front of friends and family in leggings (love them) and women's t-shirts (the ones with the really short sleeves and bigger neck opening) though, and most have seen me in anklets and my ever-present toe ring.

Fortunately, I have no great need to be 'accepted by the world' in female attire.
I don't go out dressed as a girl, simply because I have no desire to have to deal with the negative ramifications of doing so. I grew up the little kid, with an ugly birthmark on my face which made me a pariah to the other kids, and was made fun of daily by other children, all the way through my K-12 school years, getting picked on, and getting beaten up, and have no wish to go through that again. Having gotten beaten up for being different as a child, I don't want to go through my adult life like 'a boy named Sue', fighting the knuckle draggers my whole life through. Sure, I'm now a 6'4", 265 pound monster of a man, but fighting as an adult just gets us in jails and legal costs, and I don't need that. As a large man, people leave me alone. And I like it that way.
So I dress up at home. I'm 'in the closet'. But it's a very nice closet, with all my favorite things in it. So, there I will stay!

There are several posts in this thread that are little parts of me. Fully happy as a hetero, married male with no real dsyphoria. I have always been fully closeted and likely always will be. They’re parts of me that would potentially like to venture out, but for all the reasons others have already listed here I have not come close yet, and don’t envision that changing in the near future. I am mostly okay with that. I do feel like reading this site about others adventures both makes it sound appealing, but also as many in this thread have indicated there are plenty of reasons why I haven’t tried to venture out. My wife knows, but isn’t exactly happy about it, mainly for the fears of me and thusly her, being outed to family, friends, co-workers, etc.. Thus, yes, the door stays closed. Good thread, thanks for starting it.

I am out to the only person that I feel needs to know - my wife. She is accepting and supportive, and we perceive all of this as our business. I have toyed with the idea of coming out to our adult children, but have not as my wife wishes me not to, and I understand - there really is no reason for them to know. It's my/our private life after all. I do not ask them the particulars of their private life, so it would follow that mine should be of no interest to them. I am retired, so there are no work conflicts. Given these circumstances, I guess you could say I'm in the closet, but my wife is in there with me. It works for us.

Realistically, I am only out to my wife.

I have been closeted my entire life and have built a certain image of who I am to friends and family. That image is nothing spectacular - just a normal happily married man who enjoys friends, family, and hobbies such as camping, working on my yard equipment etc. So, coming out as a cross dresser would destroy the image that I have created over the years and in destroying the image, it would also disturb what I would call the equilibrium of those relationships. And ,most devastating, my wife would most likely want to separate. So, no, I?m not ready to open that door. I?m not terribly embarrassed or ashamed to admit to some anonymous sales associate at a store that I rarely visit that the panties I am buying with cash are for me, but that?s about ar far as I will go.

I think the door will always be closed for me. Its safer that way . The ramifications and consequences for my family and close friends, the cost is too high.

I have a recent development in the coming out question.
My wife had 6 of her friends over for dinner this weekend. My job was to make a great meal, serve the wine and be a pleasant conversationists. All accomplished by the way.

After dinner we all decided to go to our community hot tub (24 people capacity). So there I am with 7 women in the hot tub. Of course I have shaved legs and painted toes. All went great.

The next evening we brought one of our dinner guests to a music show in town. She is very comfortable with us. She mentioned me as one of the girls on more than one occasion. Also included me as a sister when telling my wife how close we all are.

Now to the fun part. Next week being Halloween around here, the theater will show Rocky Horror Picture Show next Saturday night. She suggested we all go together and dress the part. I was told that I can go as the Transvestite. Her dead husband always dressed in drag for that show way back when. Well, you do not have to ask me twice.

Let's see what my wife wants to do. I can wait until Friday night to bring it up again. Is the jig up for me?

I am closeted and like many here, the wife has known for 32 years. She tolerates but not really supportive. Her biggest fear is her public standing if I was known to be a crossdresser. I enjoy sharing my pictures and am proud of what I can do with makeup and wig. So to compromise, I stay hidden and enjoy the online community without going out into public. At 6'2", I will not blend in. I had a mustache for most of my adult life, but shaved it off and rarely let much facial hair grow now.
Nothing wrong with expressing femininity whatever way you like.
Hugs, Ellen

My wife and life partner prefers that I remain firmly in the closet. Much as I know I am firmly on the trans spectrum. My love and respect for our relationship have and I believe always will mean that I remain firmly in the closet. That said I have found it increasingly easier to dress since retirement and as a result many of the feelings I had in my formative years have returned.

Natalie,

Sounds like you are up for a very exciting weekend. Let us know the outcome.

Davina

Natalie, the good news is you already have everything in your closet for the transvestite costume. Sounds like it might be time to slip on a cute one piece suit and make it 8 ladies in the hot tub next time. With your wifes permission of course.

I've said before I'm not even sure I'm a cross-dresser as I don't go out as one and only wear lingerie in private. That said I would love to go out (out of town) as a woman IF I could pull-it-off as I do believe deep within me there's a woman that wants to be free. I am with Lacey in that coming out to family would be too hard on them. I've created a persona of being an independent "no nonsense get it done guy" but know its to hide my soft/feminine side. It's a balancing act which is frustrating for me but its all I can do. Living in a small city far from a major one is another reason for the frustration and moving at this point in my life isn't an option. Being able to connect with other CD's does help and I thank you all for your insight.

From the moment I began dressing I had the need to do so in public. I just wanted to be seen.
Fast forward to my teen years and I'm home dressing and trying makeup and looking awful, truth be told, yet I had to walk outside the house.
Later came the underdressing of course and finally I was discovered by my wife. I told her I wanted to go out in public and she was apprehensive. First there were night time drives, then we joined a support group that would go apres meetings to the local diner and occasionally to the movies en masse.
Now it's a regular thing and no biggy.

I've been fascinated by long flowing skirts for almost as long as I can remember, so it was pretty much inevitable that I'd eventually give in to curiosity as a teenager. That was a looooong time ago now, but I knew from the off that I belonged in long skirts, nothing more. I don't wear any other female clothing.
I would love to be able to wear them in public, but I don't have the courage, and am naturally someone who shies away from attention anyway. At 6ft 5in tall it's hard to avoid that at the best of times, so throwing skirts into the mix would be a step too far unfortunately. And I know for a fact that my family would not understand.
So I'm staying in the closet.

I have been wrestling mightily with how and whether to open the door. I am not as courageous as you; I could never contemplate going out in obviously femme clothing without wearing a wig and removing every last scrap of beard from my face. I long to switch over to femme mode full-time, and the things holding me back are staying married to my wife and possibly alienating my siblings and their families.

Being where the weather gets cold out. I can wee bras under my sweatshirt . Pantyhose under my male clothing. With sexy panties. And go out. Food shopping, Walmart. Checking out the woman?s section. Much easier then the summer

I am out to my wife and 2 others. Because I know most people in my circle would not be accepting, I won't come out of the closet to them. I have been out dressed in places they simply wouldn't be so I've not risked being exposed. I expect that will always be the case.

I am very comfortable in my closet and have no plans on opening the door any further. I have my wife’s approval to wear bras and panties, and that is good enough for me. Anything further I do in the privacy of my own home when I’m all alone.

Ditto! My only change to that is when I was on business trips, I would bury my stash even before bed, now, I just leave out.. don?t care what the maid sees anymore. I am petrified however, of being fully dressed and there is a fire alarm lol.

Hello, everyone! So, I want to dress up more often but my boyfriend is also femme and would creep out. I want to find a way to lock away heels, lingerie and dresses.

The time has never been better to come out and be yourself. The most rewarding thing is life is being your true self. So girls, you may want to consider opening that closet door and exposing the really your to the world. Remember the olds saying: "Those that matter don't mind, and those the mind don't matter". Those are words to live by.

I go out fully dressed quite a bit. I told my wife when on our second date. She is supportive but clearly does not want me to come out, and I really can?t blame her. I?m pretty sure that at 69 years old my children, other family and friends would be shocked. So what would be the benefit. I have a petite figure so I do pretty well going out. I have a great wife, children, grandchildren, family and friends. Sometimes it?s just not about only us. I?m satisfied with my station in life.

I'd like to be out. I doubt I'll be able to if my situation stays the same. In this winter weather I'm able to fully underdress and I like it a lot. The hug of the bra is comforting and a real "ahh" of stress relief. The rest of it is a private finger to my social conditioning. I hope to do more when I'm earning again. At this early stage in my journey I'm not making any cast iron guarantees to anyone.

For me, I wish I could live I life as Olivia with my loved ones, but sadly that will never be the case, even with my wife, she is supportive, yet doesn?t want to know about my private time. So it works as is, but in a dram world, I would love for her to see me as Olivia.

I've often thought about coming out but I doubt any of my friends would understand. My wife knows and is accepting.....often encourages my dressings offering advice and sometimes buying items for me. We've done a night time drive which gives quite a buzz but never left the car. Not sure I ever will have the courage to go out totally dressed. I'm quite happy it being just me & my wife knowing.

I am out to almost all my friends and family that matter
And honestly I would love to dress every day.

But my nerves and appearence really will not allow that.
So I just keep the full dressing at home, and only when I am home alone
If I have people over is is guy mode only

My current situation puts me in the public eye almost all the time.
Not ready for the ridicule of being dressed as Raychel.
I will probably never really step out the door.
But on those days off, Watch out :heehee:

I have no desire to come out of the closet. What I do in my private life is for me only. My "public" persona would be destroyed in a heartbeat if I was ever outed. Though now retired, as others have said, I was in a very male dominated profession and my private fem side would NEVER be accepted.

That said, I am happy to remain hidden away from potential embarrassment, because most people can't be accepting.

I have opened it slightly on occasion though I have not actually gone anywhere to mix with the public. Nerves, the fear of being discovered by someone that could derail my career, and my desire to keep my loving and tolerant wife mostly happy have kept me reserved in this respect. I still have driven partially dressed, with and without a wig, no makeup, day and night, and dressed the same at a nearby friends house to watch various sporting events. He is an accepting, non-dresser.

I SO want to go out dressed freely in public!!

As you all probably know, I'm in a couple of Meetup groups of trans girls, and I go out with them a lot. We usually have 40 to 50 trans girls and we meet in a public setting, like a public bar or restaurant. If someone has problems with us, we have many more people, with many of them having military or police experience. I'm totally unafraid, except when walking back and forth to the car in the dark, no matter how short the walk.

On the other side, I've met many GG women and girls while out who come over to meet with us, I think because we're having so much fun. Some of these GGs have even joined in for our traditional group pic(s).

Santa: I wish that every trans girl could find a social group to be a part of. Please, Santa. I've been very good this year. I've even looked very sexy or hot on occasion.

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Originally Posted by Melinda Jean

I have no desire to come out of the closet. What I do in my private life is for me only. My "public" persona would be destroyed in a heartbeat if I was ever outed. Though now retired, as others have said, I was in a very male dominated profession and my private fem side would NEVER be accepted.

That said, I am happy to remain hidden away from potential embarrassment, because most people can't be accepting.

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I feel the same way. My dressing is for me anyway. It?s my escape. I really don?t need anyone encroaching.

In my case the biggest reason I'm not out is because 99% of my wardrobe is romantic lingerie/nighties so thus I wouldn't wear that in public lol! I have a boyfriend who is extremely accepting, supportive and encouraging so no issue with an SO being the reason.

I have been in the closet for all of my CD existence and will probably stay that way, if I?m truly honest.

The ramifications and issues associated with coming out could be quite awkward.

Think it?s safer to stay in the closet at this time

I'd love to throw the door to my closet wide open and bravely step out into the world, but my closet has three guards at the door. They are my fear, my body, and my wife.

Guard #1 (fear) wants to stop me but I can get past him.
The problem is that he insists on following me everywhere and whispering in my ear.

Guard #2 (body) reminds me that I'm "not built for this."
I can try to disguise myself to try and slip past him, but we both know that I'll never be "real."
The reactions I get from the outside world prove this to be true.

Guard #3 (wife) is the real keeper of the keys.
My love for her, coupled with her inability to accept my Sara-ness, is what's keeping me so solidly confined.
I can't complain too much. It's warm, safe, and comfy in here.
If only I could stretch my legs once in a while...:daydreaming:

Well said, SaraLin. I never thought about "guards" at my closet door, but that really rings true for me.
My closet is a happy place and for the most part I'm content. That's not to say I'm satisfied, though.
I would really like to have a full makeover, and then visit a club like S4 in Dallas all dolled up. And have pictures made of the evening.
Alas, the first 2 guards are glaring at me for these thoughts right now. And I don't know about approaching my wife with this idea. I could, of course, just do it. But, I think I'd like it better if she knew, just in case something were to happen.

I would love to do the same Kelli but I would only want to do it with my wifes blessing and have her by side at the time too. I have brought the subject up and she's not against the idea...just a little unsure of it. Who know's what 2024 will bring

i think the same, also especially the fact my wife would accept it but would ask me to let her enjoy with other men and I am not prepared for that.