I'm terrified to talk to my wonderful wife

I had something long and over-detailed about my history with my wife, but I'll try to be as succinct as I can while still providing enough context.

My desire to CD has been increasing lately, but I've found it terrifying to admit that to my wife. My journey started in earnest about two years ago when I started trying on my wife's clothes without her knowledge. She came home early about a month or two after that, and I had to explain what I had been doing. She was upset about my dishonesty in hiding it from her, and she asked me to just be upfront and honest with her moving forward. There's been two instances since then (one major, one minor) where the idea of crossdressing has come up. I told her what I was thinking and how I was interested in exploring it, but both times she has reacted by essentially asking questions like Does this mean you're gay? Trans? What does this mean for our relationship? All of which I can answer, but she then outright told me it makes her uncomfortable.

I've seen from other posts that some relationships have an agreement consisting of one person CDing while the other one is away, not home, asleep, etc. But our problem is that my wife wants to do EVERYTHING together. I mean that literally. Unless one of us is working, she doesn't like being away from me or doing separate things while we're home together. She even reacted negatively when I expressed an interest in finding a community online I could join to help understand what this desire means for me. Thus, even my posting here is something she would be against. In many other ways, doing everything in our relationship together works for us. But of course there are issues like CD that clearly make our relationship more complicated.

I should say, she's not an intolerant person at all. We have friends across the spectrum, and she's a very empathetic and caring person. But CD is a uniquely difficult subject in our relationship in that she is uncomfortable with me doing it and doesn't really want to talk about it. And she doesn't want an arrangement where there is ANYTHING we do without the other person's active participation.

Because of all this, I've continued trying on her clothes without her knowledge. I've even briefly gone outside for a walk twice now in her clothes. I've felt proud of myself for going out en femme, but I've felt guilty and ashamed of my continued dishonesty. I feel like I'm in a spiral of wanting more and more to explore CD but feeling like I need to lie to my wife in order to do it.

I'm sure almost everyone here has felt scared to have the talk with their SO. What can I do to broach the subject of CD again? What do I do if she says she's still uncomfortable and doesn't want to consider an agreement of exploring it without her present? Any help and advice is greatly appreciated.

It is a dangerous practice to engage in activity without your wifes knowledge, particularly when she asked you to be upfront and honest with her. The next time you are caught the distrust will be compounded. You have already seen what her reaction is and know what her questions are. The challenge you must face is to have another conversation (you have already had at least one), then another and then another. But don?t make it all about what you want. You can start by simply stating that you continue to want and need to explore and experience. Then the floor is hers?ask her to talk about how she feels. Don?t disagree or diminish anything?let her get the fears off her chest. Of course, she will still be uncomfortable, and you can show some empathy and understanding about her concerns and fears. Keep having those conversations until you can begin to move from expressing fears to figuring out, together, how to address her concerns and put her fears to rest. This may take a long time, but if you can be patient and understanding, you may reach a much more satisfactory understanding.

You need to share. You say she is empathetic so maybe frame it in a way that you could do something as a couple to show it is still you. Maybe look at expressing that the love and same person (I assume) is still there but you find the way clothes make her look so lovely really interesting and would love her to help you experience that moment. Just think of the conversations you could have with her talking about things she possibly thinks you don?t care about

There is a lot of information on this site about approaching CD relationship issues. For starters, I suggest you conduct a search and read many of our past threads on the subject. I think you will find that in most the most concerning and stress inducing aspect is deception. I suggest you remain upfront about your desires, and perhaps counseling can help you both in dealing with it, but continuing to be deceptive can only worsen the fallout if you should be found out.

From being in FAB all these years I found
Most women get more upset because they feel betrayed , lied to.

She asked you to be upfront…..and here you are wearing her clothing and not being upfront.

Redo the talk
DO NOT SAY you will not dress again….I never ever heard of some that could stop forever.
More important to get her to understand it.
Maybe see a counselor with her if you cannot explain.
Tell her you need time to dress
Do not lie, if you do not know something ….say I do not know.
It probably will be rough at first but again she asked you to be upfront….when she catches you again….,and she will ….you still not being upfront will not bode well.

Go somewhere you can talk uninterrupted.
Be honest
Tell her you love her

She asked you to-be upfront….be upfront .
Stop making excuses.
Buy your OWN clothing.
Here is a link to a post that might help.

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...l-your-partner



P.S. We have Fab here for her if she needs others than understand to vent- talk to

Charlotte.
Di offers wise advise. Pay attention to what she says.
Also, your wife knows that you have been wearing her clothes. Be assured that she notices subtle changes in how they are hung, folded, placed and smell (remember, her sense of smell is more sensitive than yours thanks to estrogen).
If you love her, tell her, and show her that you do, even though you may not be the same person that she thinks that she married. She is probably not the same person that you married. We all change, and hopefully grow.
Good Luck
-peace
-Gracie

Charlotte, it seems your wife already and clearly told you what to do: "she asked me to just be upfront and honest with her moving forward."
Explaining that she won't accept that you do things on your own seems to me just an excuse to keep doing what you want, avoiding a discussion that may result in boundaries that would limit your CD perimeter. And you end up lying and hiding more, and getting more into troubles down the road.
Your wife gave you a clear directive, and for the sake of your relationship, just do what she asked you to. Talk to her, and lay it bare.

And do it before she finds out by herself, because then you'll be in REAL trouble.

Good luck.

Some good advice here.I thought getting married would rid me of the desire to CD. As I thought I could be normal and live like most married couples do. It didn?t and I continued to dress without telling my wife. Children came on the scene. I purged and thought it would be gone forever.it came back with a vengeance after a bereavement. My wife found my stash freaked out and made me purge again. I regret not being open and honest in the 1st place as things might have been different. Beware of the consequences of not being truthful and honest.

i see you are new to the site....welcome to the group.

as i see it you have the hard part over she knows and she is still with you....so its like a DADT....as advised dont deceive....you must be brutally honest and not do things behind her back.

i think she has to realize that the tighter a grip she has the more she will push you into hiding yourself so major discussions must happen.
easier said than done.

i disclosed after the holidays as to not make them rocky.....went from DADT to SDNWTSI (she does not want to see it) to now just starting HRT.

they have support groups that you can both participate....you may have to forgo going dressed at first but after attending a few work on maybe slowly adding items as you go. women's jeans, jeans and a top, and so forth, baby steps and she gets to do it with you. just a suggestion.

P-flag was my support group in the beginning....here's a link : https://pflag.org/

Aside from the cross dressing I would find doing everything together as being smothered. My wife and I were spending way too much time together. I told her to get a life; call up her sisters and friends. Now she goes to lunch with different friends several times and a months and has one drop over every Tuesday. Something in the back of my mind thinks staying joined at the hip smells of distrust; not trusting a spouse not to do something. My wife does not want anything to do with my cross dressing since the early 1980's. I respect her refusal. She told me if I wanted to join a support group that was alright with her. She has seen this site open and has not come unglued. She has found an article of feminine clothing or two out that I had failed to sequester away. All she has done is fold it and put it out of sight from visitors. After decades of marriage (50+) she know who I am. People who do not understand and who refuse to get educated are difficult to have any discussion with.

Perhaps, counseling would be of benefit for both you and your wife; jointly and individually. If she does not want to engage in your cross dressing, don't push it. Don't try to wear her down. Don't do any "creeping." Don't make any commitments you will break.

Hi Charlotte :hugs:, Think Baby Steps Go slow and don't Overwhelm her, >Orchid:daydreaming:**O:daydreaming:O**

She knows and requests that you be upfront with her. It seems that is a very reasonable step. The fact that you continue to sneak around in her clothes is disturbing. Don't think that she will never find out.

The questions she asks about are you gay? Trans? is because she is trying to learn. Teach her. How would she know if she doesn't ask? Deceiving will just pull the two of you apart.

Obviously, she loves you very much if she wants to spend so much time with you. Tell her honestly that you would like some time alone. Her feelings may be hurt at first, but she may enjoy some time with her own friends when you have your alone time. Schedule time apart so that she can plan ahead of time. Don't just spring it on her at the last moment.

Also remember that you have known about your CDing for a long time. She just learned. Give her a break. Give her some time to grasp. Again, TELL her, discuss your wishes and your personal boundaries. Have her tell you her concerns, discuss the boundaries that you two agree on and don't waiver from them. Answer her questions honestly or she may come to the conclusion that you lie when it comes to CDing.

You must stop doing trying to gloss over the situation. Be truthful and honest.

Hi Charlotte, you have to have the difficult conversation, there is no other way to be honest an earn her trust. But before you do that, you need to figure some things out and know your needs so you can explain them.

For starters, assuming she doesn't want you wearing her clothes, you have to stop doing that. Which means you need to get your own. So part of the conversation could be about how the desire to dress has not gone away and you plan on getting your own clothes (don't ask permission or you are back to wearing her clothes without permission). This could then lead to the conversation about having some time of your own to dress and about boundaries (not in front of her, where you keep your things, etc.).

Of course, she might refuse and try to prevent this. Get ready for this. Emphasize how this desire doesn't go away. If she makes an unreasonable demand ask, "How am I supposed to do that?". This question requires the other person to put themselves in your shoes (if they are to come up with anything real).

If she says she doesn't want to talk about it, get clarification "Does you mean you don't want to know when I crossdress?". This makes it clear that not talking doesn't mean you won't crossdress and it starts to establish the Don't Ask Don't Tell arrangement. Let her know that you will be open and honest to her about your crossdressing, all she needs to do is ask. Now the ball is in her court.

I know this sounds a bit harsh, like putting your foot down. I'm being realistic, the feeling doesn't just go away. Not backing down on the crossdressing is you being honest. I had to do this long ago. It isn't easy but it did finally get me to the point where I felt like I was being as open and honest with her as she would allow. I don't crossdress in front of my wife, but I'm not hiding it from her in that if she wants to know more all she has to do is ask.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by IJCCharlotte

Does this mean you're gay? Trans? What does this mean for our relationship? All of which I can answer, but she then outright told me it makes her uncomfortable.

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It should be expected that she'd be uncomfortable. Information like that would make anyone uncomfortable. But, she's not the only one who is uncomfortable. You have your own discomfort to deal with and the default way that most of us deal with that is to hide and to only reveal the minimum.

One factor is that it's likely you are in an experimental phase of not knowing exactly what you want and are trying things in private before allowing her to see. That's been my own experience.

She'll wonder where it's all going to lead and you will only be able to answer that partially, depending on your current sense of identity.

I started dressing in my early to mid-fifties. I revealed that to my wife very early in the game and, at the time, all I'd considered was wearing panties. After some discussion, we decided that she'd be in charge of buying my first purchase. We went to Kohl's and I browsed the store while she picked out a dozen or so pairs in different styles. She actually surprised me at just how sexy some of her choices were. I do think that giving her a certain degree of control while not side stepping my own desires worked out.

Now, almost fifteen years later, about half of my wardrobe is from the woman's department and, being retired, is the half that I wear at home on most days. She'd prefer that my taste was more typically male, but she doesn't complain directly. There are little hints of her discomfort and I take that into consideration, but ultimately it is not HER marriage, it is our marriage. We've hit a peaceful balance.

A mental health/relationship podcast I listen to continually says secrets kill relationships. Have a conversation that is vulnerable, that states your needs, that allows her questions and input, and allow her to set boundaries. Maybe she is totally ok with you wearing her clothes, or wants you to buy your own. Maybe she doesnt mind anything at home but nothing in public. Let her know you want to explore, and you want to share that part of you.

My wife was the first person I told years ago. She was curious, not judgemental, and gave me space to see what I wanted. She knew I felt better at home, which is mostly where it stayed as thats what I wanted. I always listened, and enjoyed that I didnt have to hide my interest. Happy to be a man when she wanted/needed that, and equally happy to wear cuter underwear and outfits than her, haha. Have fun and be yourself, no secrets.

I have a very wonderful wife who also likes us to do things together. She found out my stash many years ago and although horrified at first, we have both embraced it and as a result we have become far more closer. The main thing I would say is do not use her clothes. I would suggest you take her out and buy her some clothes and maybe broach the subject of what would be good for you and get her help to buy your outfit. Its not easy to bring up the conversation I know but once said, it cannot be undone. If she loves you then it is easier. We tend to have our 'date nights' where we both relax , have a bath, get prepared, have a few drinks and a wonderful meal. It is something we both look forward to. What i try to do is make it about us rather than just myself. We try different things on date night s and we plan ahead. Our next one is a sparkly evening. Take it slowly and give her plenty of consideration.

Charlotte, here's my take on your diificult situation:

1. U need to explore CDing on your own without your wife interfering or u sneaking around and lying. (It took me over 10 years to figure out who and what I am re; CDing. All on my own after my wife and I separated!)
2. Your wife needs to feel included in everything u do.

U need to work out a realistic arrangement that works. Even if that makes both of u "uncomfortable". Which it is now anyway!:sad:

If u suddenly took up golf or target shooting would your wife insist on going with u every time u went to practice or play? No!

Maybe u can work out a schedule where u "practice" on your own and dress up for her on occasion if she really wants to see your "progress"? Or, some similar compromise that may not be perfect but may work for u both?:straightface:

I must admit what really caught my attention was that you and your wife have no free time apart. I don't understand how that can be healthy. I strongly suggest against wearing your wife's clothes without her permission. I am not really sure what the solution is for you and your wife. I have returned to DADT, even though my wife has shown interest and support in my CDing. I just don't feel comfortable dressing around her.

Sincerest thank you's to everyone who responded. I really do appreciate the advice and guidance. I've done a lot of soul searching the last few days, and I think I've come to a realization about something that I'm searching and hoping for. I really want my wife to be a part of my CDing. I know that I can't expect that, and that if and when I talk to her I have to be prepared for her to say she does not want to be. In some ways, just realizing what I want is helpful and puts things into perspective and helps me prepare for whatever she says. I think going behind her back was partially a reaction to feeling dejected by her response during my attempts to broach the subject. It's not a good or healthy reaction, though. And it's not the only reason I went behind her back. Part of it was just selfishness, too. And no matter what she says when we talk, I have to be understanding and give her time. Thanks to those who helped me understand that this wouldn't be just one talk, but a series of conversations throughout our relationship.

I also appreciate everyone who pointed out that doing everything together as a couple is maybe not the best idea. My therapist has said the same, and I've always agreed that I need more time to myself. So I realize it's counterintuitive for me to say I want her to be a part of this. It's something I will look to examine more with my therapist. I surprised myself when I had the realization. But I think I'm fearful that exploring this side of me ultimately is not going to be nearly as rewarding or validating if I can't share the experience with her. Whatever happens, I'm hopeful it will bring us closer and create better understanding between us. I know that's a journey, and a long one at that. Thank you all for your support. It's greatly appreciated.

Speaking from experience here. The lying and deception is far worse than simply being a crossdresser to most wives/girlfriends. My two suggestions are to 1) stop wearing her things; and 2) explain your urges to her, before she becomes really set in her conclusions. Many women automatically assume that crossdressing men are gay, and that is not always the case.

Lastly, it may be prudent to consider that your wife may not be accepting. Some wives will put up with it if they're not around to see it, but everyone is different.

Sounds like your wife needs some outside the house friends to do stuff with? My wife also like to do things with me because she has no other real friends locally.

Also, as far as the talk, you know she does not like it so it is easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission! Yeah, that is me being evil Karren again! But not everyone is in an understanding relationship and not everyone can just turn it off.

But go buy your own clothes!

I never thought that my wife would accept my CDing. I started with a women's girdle and progressed step by step and now she has accepted my complete dressing, although it is strictly home bound. Once in a while she will comment saying "I don't know why you want to wear that.". The "that" being red lipstick. The D forms, wig, dress, heels, earrings and neckless must be okay, but the lipstick might be the "red line". My post "New Oldie" from 17 years ago might shed some light on easing into being accepted by your wife. Good Luck!!

Many excellent ideas and suggestions posted to which I agree. My #1 is be honest and truthful, don?t wear her clothes, try to find out issues and seek a compromise. I mustered up the courage to tell her when we got engaged, expecting her to dash to the nearest exit. She didn?t. She knew little about CDing and totally appreciated my courage and honesty. Yes, we had many honest discussions and did a lot of reading. Once her doubts were cleared up, she became fascinated with my dressing. Her main concern was, did I wear her clothes? I assured her, while I?d thought about it, especially her hose, but never did. I told her of my hidden stash. This was the best thing that ever happened. Over the years, she?s been totally supportive and helpful. I?m free to dress, and do. Best to you. Hope things can be worked out.

How do you explain something like this in a positive way? Especially when you have reason to belive they willl not understand or agree with the behavior? Add to that it will likely irreversibly change their opinion of you and likely not in a good way.

It's times like this I think of the high school nerd walking up to the girl of his dreams and saying"you wouldn't want to go out with me, would you? " You hardly give her a chance to say yes. It sets you up for failure. You can't tell your wife she's the weirdo she needs to let you do this. You can still be a bit more matter of fact. Explain it's not like she thinks. How exactly to handle it depends on the situation and the person.

What I'm suggesting is to think how your words might come across before saying them. If you act ashamed you will lead the conversation down that path. I watched some married CD get berated by Dr Phill and he never stood up for himself. He didn't do anything anyone here might have done. Dr Phill sensationalized the situation and belittled him.

What we do is not necessarily a bad thing. Using someone else's clothes does cross a line. Try not to let her see it as a sexual fetish. She is entitled to her own opinion of your behavior. We don't have to start them off with bad thoughts. Find the positive and the harmless side to it and start there.

I don't understand. She does not allow you to do ANYTHING on your own? You can't hang out with the guys, without her being there? She can't spend time with her girlfriends without you? I'm no marriage counselor, but those sound like much deeper issues vs. your desire to crossdress.

You’re afraid to lose your wife and that’s understandable. You love her and you don’t want to hurt her. You feel guilty because you know that she will feel betrayed when she finds out you’ve CDed behind her back, after she specifically asked you to be honest about it.

It sounds as if up until your desire to CD increased, the two of you have had a very close and connected relationship.

So what to do.

I’m afraid there is no other choice than to be completely honest even if it risks introducing a behavior in your marriage that she will not like. She wants to maintain the high level of intimacy and connectedness between you (which is impossible to have without complete honesty) and so she deserves to know everything that’s going on with you … even if she won’t like it.

When she finds out that you keep CDing behind her back (and she will eventually find out), she will feel as if the CDing is your priority, and not her. This will be much, much worse for your relationship than having her dislike the CDing. If she knows about it, then she at least has a chance to begin to wrap her mind around it. But she won’t be able to do that if you keep lying.

So gather your courage and be honest, even if it turns out that the CDing will change your relationship. You cannot keep pretending to her that it doesn’t exist when it is becoming a significant obsession. Hopefully you will eventually make the choice that she is more important to you than the CDing, and this will help you to keep things in balance - to think about her needs as well as your own. By not being honest, you are currently only thinking about your needs and not her needs or your relationship needs.

I suspect that she is willing to think about your needs too (she did ask you to be up front about it - she did not ask you to stop), even if it will take a while for her to not feel threatened by the CDing. But again, the more you lie, the more she will feel threatened, and the connectedness between you will begin to erode.

Good luck.

I agree with a lot of the posts about NOT bringing the topic up from a defensive position. If your wife wants to do everything together, then wait for the right moment to bring it up and ask her to go shopping with you and help you pick out something TOGETHER. Give her the chance to deny you before you answer in the negative for her. She just may surprise you if you bring it up in a positive way.

Lots of good advice here so far, take it to heart! The two things that caught my attention were your wife's desire to do EVERYTHING together. We all need some space, and to me that would feel like she was attempting to control my every move, or that she didn't trust me for some reason. My wife is accepting, although I do not dress around her she knows that I do and do not take issue with it. Usually I make a clothes purchase every few months and she is well aware of that as well. The other more important thing- GET YOUR OWN CLOTHES. I cannot stress this enough. There is literally NO chance that she does not know you are wearing her stuff, and that complicates your situation as you are not being open with her about your situation as she has asked.