Quick update - night wear

My wife and I share our bed. I asked her if I might sleep (not sex) in her satin night dress. She said "no". I asked if that was because she didn't want to sleep with me in female attire and she replied "no, it's not that, it's just that nightdress is fragile".

So that's a positive: I can get my own nightdress and at least try sleeping with her in it. She might react against the reality (and that'd be fine, I'd respect her feelings and sadly stop) but at least I have the green light to try! I'd stop of my own accord if I detected her being turned off by it.

I've also been "socially prescribed" an LGBT+ charity regarding gender questions. I think I'm a man who likes crossdressing, but early on (two months ago!) it all made me question if I'm gender fluid. Probably not having read so much of this forum. There's a long waiting list, but they offer 14 well priced counselling sessions if I get through the initial assessment, so I shall see as it would be excellent to talk at length to someone non judgemental - it was a big relief when I opened up to my GP and the social prescriber.

So, I'm happy!

Eleven years ago I went to a gender therapist for awhile. It was very beneficial and helped me to understand what was going on and ways to deal with coming out which I did a little while before I started going to the therapist. My wife was in full support of that, but she did not want to see me in a female-like format and still doesn't (can't unsee it). I respected that and still do, but she knows I do, on rare occasions, go the full distance. She went to a different therapists so she could learn how to deal with my gender variance. If she has the opportunity to join you in some of the sessions, that might be helpful for her, but she should not be pressured to go: her choice.

I don't think your classification is very important because the whole thing is a continuous spectrum and all the classification is synthetic and does not actually reflect natural units or species-like types. The important thing is to just be yourself whatever that is. The pattern for you will emerge and then it will shift around. Fluidity is common, but even in fluid people there may be times that the fluidity becomes a bit more solidified and then it changes again. All of that is due to the neuroplasticity of your brain - it is always changing and shifting as it adapts to new experiences in the context of the life long pattern. Static states are always temporary and sometimes thinking that way just causes problems for your brain to create new adaptive patterns that fit you and only you.

You have made a good choice to take advantage of a therapy (counseling) opportunity.

Thanks! I'm not really looking for a label or labels - it's why I prefer to say "I'm someone who... [likes crossdressing, likes to ride a motorbike, has neurodiverse characteristics of ADHD, etc]" when being really really picky - as I won't be defined by labels.

I will go to counselling to explore how I think and feel about this, to work on dispelling lingering embarassment, shame, confusion, etc.

I am blessed that my wife is (so far) accepting of me and not discouraging (i.e. she seems ok with the idea of me wearing a nightdress to our shared bed, she painted my nails, etc). I am taking things with her very slow, but so far so good.

Thanks again,
Sam

My wife knows I wear nightgowns but doesnt see me wearing them because we dont sleep together, separate bedrooms.

I think there is too much emphasis to categorize people into boxes. To me, it's like school; choose the right answer on a multiple choice test or write an essay. Explain yourself to others with sentences and paragraphs and not a single word.

As to the nightgown, ask your wife if she would object to you sleeping in a nightgown. I can understand your wife saying no to her nightgowns, especially if it is a special one or one made of material that does not wear well. Before my cross dressing progressed from just nightgowns to more my wife and I shopped together for several nightgowns. She had input and there were no surprises. I still have what is now a vintage peignoir purchased in 1972; and I still wear it.

I wore a nite gown just once. Kept waking up all tied in knots!:doh:

Worst nite's sleep ever!:thumbsdn:

I am something of an exception: I still regard myself as a man named "John" even though I have the appearance of a woman and wear dresses and for formal occasions, makeup, nail polish, and heels. However my voice is deep for a man as I sing second bass in my church choir. I have been on estrogen for over 12:years and have acquired a feminine appearance, including a bust (bra cup size DD) and my hair is longer than shoulder length..

So I say don't worry about categorization of what you are.

John

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Originally Posted by Stephanie47

I think there is too much emphasis to categorize people into boxes. To me, it's like school; choose the right answer on a multiple choice test or write an essay. Explain yourself to others with sentences and paragraphs and not a single word.

As to the nightgown, ask your wife if she would object to you sleeping in a nightgown. I can understand your wife saying no to her nightgowns, especially if it is a special one or one made of material that does not wear well. Before my cross dressing progressed from just nightgowns to more my wife and I shopped together for several nightgowns. She had input and there were no surprises. I still have what is now a vintage peignoir purchased in 1972; and I still wear it.

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Labels allow for easy, but coarse-grained communications - they summarise things, so I think labels are understandable, but they are limiting. I like your school analogy.

She's implicitly approved me wearing female night wear. I could ask her explicitly but she's said she doesn't want all this to be too formal/contractual (which isn't great IMO but I have to respect her position). I shall buy my own and then wait for her response when I first wear it. Alternatively I may see if she wants to shop with me...

As someone who wears lingerie/satin sleepwear to bed every night I can endorse how incredible it is to wear it to bed, especially in my case given I have a boyfriend to wear it for.

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Originally Posted by JohnH

However my voice is deep for a man as I sing second bass in my church choir.
John

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I'm first bass in my church choir! Much respect to you, but there's no way I'd sing at church dressed!

If this hasn't been already been said, "don't wear your wife's clothes, without her permission". Even with having said that, go and buy your own stuff. In a marriage you may find a yours, mine, and ours, but why does anyone want to get into any awkward situations when you have the consent of the other to buy your own clothes.

My favourite night wear is a knee length nylon night gown. I prefer Vanity fair for all my lingerie. Go into the stores and get the feel of the material before buying your items. This is a time where having your wife to help you in your selections really coming in handy. Don't get your knickers in a knot! Speaking of knickers, don't buy several of the same type at once. Get a pair or two and check out the feel, but especially the comfort before buying several pairs. It's no fun buying something to only find out that they are not as comfortable as you hoped. Remember to have some fun, you are still the same person regardless of the packaging.

I'm suspicious of the "LGBT+ charity" for counselling. To put it bluntly, I think you'll receive counselling with an agenda. Counselling should be without agenda, either direction. I'm not sure how you find that. The value of seeing a therapist for me was to have an outlet to speak out loud anything and everything. I'm not sure how much difference it made who was listening. There was value in having the outlet. I did not agree with her assessment of me. She said I was clearly TS, despite me saying repeatedly that I'm not.

I think it's just human nature to agree with, remember, and react to the feedback and advice you like, or that fits your particular image of yourself or your own agenda. Most of us probably go to therapy looking for reinforcement (and likely get it). Be careful what you do with that.

I'm wary of an LGBT+ charity's agenda too. I'm probably pretty vulnerable right now, in fact I want to be vulnerable or at least open to change, but you're right that a counsellor should not project their own agenda. They are award winners (it's elop.org "a holistic lesbian and gay centre that offers a range of social, emotional and support services to LGBT communities, and our core services include counselling"). I'm not gay, possibly *slightly* bi curious.

Their response to my query read nicely "Hi D, I appreciate it won?t have been easy to reach out, but I?m glad that you have. It?s great to hear that your wife is supportive, but I appreciate it may also be as confusing for her as it is for you.

I would suggest that using our counselling service would be a good place to start. All of our team are LGBT+ identified and aware of the experience of exploring your identity. It would give you a confidential space to talk things out without judgement or feeling you need to censor what you?re saying to protect your wife for example."

In the absence of other counseling opportunities then I might see what comes of it - I may not even pass their assessment.

Thanks,
Sam x

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Originally Posted by Gillian Gigs

If this hasn't been already been said, "don't wear your wife's clothes, without her permission".

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Yes, it's been said!

At this moment in time we're literally spending zero non-essential money as I'm out of work, so I'm stuck with 4 pairs of knickers, my sarong and a strappy vest from my wife (that I discoloured in the wash!). So, next to nothing for the next month or two. Frustrating!

Hi My wife loves to cuddle up to something silky soft that's how it all started for me so every night I wear babydoll nighties and nylons

Great for you, only in my dreams....

Ditto with Amy, nightgown, panties and thigh highs. Hope things work out. It?s great.

There's nothing better that a quality silky satin type nightdress or babydoll imo. My wife also enjoys the look and feel.

Silk and satin are dictated by the seasons up here. We are well into flannel these days.

Yup, flannel for me too. Now until at least March.

I have several nightgowns including a couple my approving wife bought for me. Most nights I lounge around in a nylon gown, unless it's really cold then a long-sleeved heavier material , L'eggs sheer Energy pantyhose and a woman's robe and flats. In all aspects, I consider myself extremely fortunate with the relationship my wife and I have.

Hi Samantha :hugs:, There are two kinds of councilor's,

The one that tells you what you want to Hear, And

The one that tells your Wife what she wants to Hear,

>>>>>>>Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

When we had "The Talk" years ago and she became understanding and accepting she actually made the suggestion for me to wear a nightgown if I desired. Of course I accepted.
That was nearly 20 years ago and since then I've worn one every night. Most nights I also wear a bra and my forms and it's just been the natural thing to do.

My wife and I both sleep in night gowns.

I can understand your wife's concerns about the fragility of the nightdress
I love wearing strappy, satin nightdresses and I've had a few straps become detached over the years.
Easy fix though, if you're handy with a needle and thread.

Thank you for all your replies. I've not been able to move any of it forward for money reasons and I'm still bashful. She gave me another bra the other day and delightfully asked me to try it on there and then, but I've not "let" her see me putting it on any other time. The very last thing I want to do is chill our relationship, but I will want to try things out. I really doubt she'll want to be intimate with me dressed. We're intimate rarely enough that I really have second thoughts anyway. We're cosy and cuddle but she's rarely got the energy or interest.

I've had further contact with the lgbt charity (elop) and I'll probably go to a weekly social event next week to test the waters. Sounds like it could be fun, or I might run away at how different it all is. I'd certainly value talking to people that can help me triangulate what's going on with me!

Like some of the ladies here I sleep in a nightgown most nights. I have a collection of short and long MISS ELAINE and SHADOWLINE gowns in various colours. They are a dream to sleep and lounge in. I hope to eventually find a vintage OLGA gown, the utmost in femininity.

Ohh the once forbidden night gown, before coming out to my wife i would get up in the middle of the night and put a soft silky gown on and hang out in the living room for awhile at night, after I opened up to her now If the moment strikes and I feel I want to wear a silky nightgown to bed, then I wear a nightgown to bed, me and the wife have found matching night gowns we will wear on special occasions(just a nightgown no other attire), she doesn't admit it but I know she enjoys when I wear a silky gown to bed, she becomes more frisky with her hands, enjoy your gowns and wear them proudly

Well I learned something...
I already had a black Exquisite Form knee length nightgown in 3x (🙄) that I really like. last weekend, I was shopping at a local higher-end thrift shop and spotted a black Vanity Fair nightie, #30807, also in 3x and thought it looked a lot like like the Exquisite Form version. For $4, I could not resist and bought it. When I got home, I compared the two and they are absolutely identical, right down to the trim. Wikipedia says that in 1998 VF bought out the company that owned Exquisite Form and several other brands. Now, if the VF outlet malls would just reopen...

Samantha51,

If your wife is concerned about fragile lingerie, consider something like Shadowline. We have several and they hold up very well. No Spaghetti straps ir thin, sheer material, just nice, every day night gowns.

Lacy PJs

Well hopefully you can pick up a gown or two soon. Nightgowns are my favorite thing to wear. Every night I have one on in bed with my approving wife. For me, nothing compares to be being wrapped in that silky nylon or satin fabric. I feel my most feminine when I have one on. It?s just right for me.