I can't do it

I can't dress in front of my partner.

She says it's perfectly fine. She's done my makeup. She's seen me dressed when I was fat heavier and looked far worse than I do right now.

I just feel like I am forcing something on her because whilst she accepts me and is OK with it, I feel like she fell in love with male presentation me and I should be that person.

I'm trying to understand why I have no interest in dressing and figure that not wanting to be seen by her is a part of that. It's also the shame my ex wife made me feel and how she said that makes me less of a man, and less attractive.

I don't know... Just ranting. I'm in a very lucky position and realise that, but unlike some on here I don't see acceptance as something to be expanded on and forced upon a partner.

I totally know how you feel Charlotte.
Just as it is a lot for our partners to accept this side of us.
It has to be a bit of a mind struggle for them to see us dressed in womens clothes.
It is also a struggle for us, to put aside all the ingrained years of training that dressing
in womens clothes is totally wrong.
So even if they fully accept, society has taught us that this is wrong.
We have to learn to retrain our own minds so we can just relax and enjoy being ourselves
as we prefer to dress,

So I totally understand what you are saying.
This trouble me all the time.

If she accepts you just relax.
It's not easy to drop your guard and show all your secrets. It takes time. I went through that also. She could see me drab or fab but not during the process.
Now it's just 2 women getting dressed.

Yesterday some shoes I bought came while I was on the phone. She took them in and casually opened the box. I hadn't told her about them.
She just naturally tried them on (we wear the same size) and commented on how pretty they were. When I told her the price (on sale of course) she just said, "Great, can't wait to wear them, and they'll look pretty on you too".

It does get easier.

Hi Charlotte:hugs:, Sounds like you are between a Rock & a Hard Place,>Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

I can kind of understand how you feel.

When I first got together with my wife, I could never get dressed in front of her although after I was dressed, I could walk around her while dressed in women's clothes. Now I have no problem putting on my clothes in front of her.

I am just happy that I found someone that fully supports me and my desire to wear women's clothes. I know I am one of the lucky ones.

Maybe you are just over thinking your situation.

In my opinion, just enjoy having someone in your life that accepts you for who you are.

I'm the same way Charlotte. My wife and adult son are accepting, but I'm just not comfortable dressing up and hanging around the house. They both see me once I'm ready and have a little time to kill before going out to meet up with friends, or when I'm coming in from a night out. I've even tried on a few different outfits for my wife to see after a day out shopping, but I don't want to 'force' this on either of them.

Charlotte. I go out with my wife dressed. However, I don't like her seeing the transformation. I can't explain it.

I get it. I do. I've been married to my wife for more than 20 years. The acceptance journey with her hasn't been totally absent of bumps, but over the last 15 years she's been 100% supportive. I keep checking in with her, making sure everything is good, and insisting she tell me if that ever changes. To date, nothing has, and after 15 years of everything being ok, I have to begin to believe it's going to stay that way. A year ago, we were temporary empty nesters for a few months. For the first half of it, I was dressing every moment I could at home. We sleep apart for health reasons, but she knows I am crossdressed every night, and frequently sees me dressed for bed or just getting up.

Despite all that, despite all the years, despite all the times she's seen me dressed, getting dressed, or getting undressed... I still feel weird about being in the act of dressing or undressing in front of her. I am trying to get over it, but it seems a never ending process. So, I get it.

Charlotte, I know from your prior posts the struggles you had with your ex. I can understand how that past can paint your now. But, it's decidedly unfair to your partner to allow that past to modify how you interact with your partner. That's difficult to do though, I know, and it requires a lot of effort to erase that from your (now) standard response.

Every person is different. I've had a girlfriend who was repulsed by my crossdressing, and even insulted me from time to time over it. I had another girlfriend who was actively turned on by it. For any person, there's a different set of reactions, thoughts, and feelings. Some women can't unsee their man dressed as a woman, and are forever changed by it. Some women can't wait to see their man dressed as a woman. Hard as it is, you can't allow yourself to react to a person who isn't there now. You have to react to the person that is with you now.

Open communication, being deeply honest, taking time, and continuing to build your relationship with her will see you through to what will work for the both of you in the future.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by alwayshave

Charlotte. I go out with my wife dressed. However, I don't like her seeing the transformation. I can't explain it.

---

Truer words have never been spoken. I don't mind the before and I don't mind the I'm moment. But the in-between. I like that in private.

Charlotte. I do understand. My wife is OK with it in every way you could mention. Still. I have guilt about it. I have told my story about how I met her, so she has known this side of. me since the very beginning.

When your partner says it?s perfectly fine, believer her.

I guess the feeling is very real and common. It’s important to understand where is coming from - and its not from the people who love us, but from ourselves. And that’s how mean society gets - it will make you your worst enemy - prejudice is hard to get rid of.

I am very sorry for all of us, that even we have the chance to be what we want, will throw that out due to our own prejudice of our choices.

Someone once said that conscience does not impede us from doing something, but keeps us from enjoying it. In our case is impeding from doing it.

After reading the comments I reread the OP, and I'm confused, are you not wanting her to see the transformation or the finished product?

Either. She's dating and marrying a man. Just because she is OK with it doesn't mean she should have it pushed on her.

Take drinking as an example. A person may be OK with drinking, and coming home drunk from a night out once a month may be acceptable, but being drunk in the house 4 nights a week would be pushing your desires onto the other person.

I hear you Charlottes, and totally understand your feelings. While maybe I don?t understand them, but have the same myself. I am out to my wife and she hates it. I don?t even like for her to see me slipping on panties. It seems she has reluctantly accepted that I am going to do this, but I can?t help but feel I?ve robbed her of some idealistic picture of her man. Bad enough I?ve grown older and not the dashing man I was (yea right) but now I dress in woman?s clothes. No matter what, I think I would always have these feelings I have shattered her images. Life is never perfect however and I would just try to limit erosion of things as best I could.

Yes in the same boat of being with the wife who kind of accepts and says do what you want in the house but how can you truly enjoy it knowing she doesn?t like it?
Also for another example she has accepted that I?ve recently started going to a very liberal and accepting church fully dressed but literally will go out of her way to not look at me when I?m leaving or returning. I know I should just be glad that I can go but it?s still weird for me.

I kind of understand the feeling. Heck, I don't even like to see myself while in the transformation process. But as a PP mentioned above, I think a lot of the feeling is because of ourselves. I guess you just need to trust that the communications between the two of you are honest and open.

Your analogy doesn't work.
If she is accepting and comfortable with you being dressed with her then the issue is your feeling about dressing in front of her.
I felt that way too at first. My wife told me she was fine with me dressing whenever I desired. My desire was practically all the time but I felt it was too much. I also felt strange dressing in while she would see me doing so. It wasn't her, it was me who had the hang up. No one had ever seen that before and I was afraid the process would overload her and make her change her mind. It wasn't that, it was that I was afraid to change in front of her. I wanted her to only see me as her husband or as Cheryl. Then I realized, we are the same.
She doesn't see me differently. She sees me wearing different clothes.

Speak to her about this. Express your concern and ask if she has any. If you are marrying you need to be able to communicate about ALL things.

If you have even the slightest hint that she isn't excited about you dressing, then I get that you don't want to in front of her. I have full acceptance for what she sees me do, but yet I hold back because I don't want to push it too far. Early on, for example, I added a little at a time and only after much talk about it. Except for one time she basically dared me to wear something to shock her. That time was the first time she saw me with lingerie under my skirt and top, which led to The Talk. But I still hold back, or don't change into cute clothes everytime I want to, so she keeps seeing the guy she fell for.

I do think you'll need to figure out some sort of balance to keep from going crazy, as many here have said the pink fog can be suppressed for a bit but always comes back to some degree or another.

You're a very considerate guy, sounds like you both did good!

I don't like dressing in front of anyone! I think it's mostly the private body re-shaping and chest and crotch modifications?:o

However, I'm strangely less apprehensive of someone watching me undress and change back into a man!:straightface:

you are so lucky. my wife knows i dress but does not tolerate it

My wife has to inspect me before I leave the house !!, she says "That skirt is way to short for you to go shoppoing in !!!, so after several outfit changes, I get the nod that is ok to go shopping, lol

Charlotte, have you discussed this with her. It might help if you knew how much is too much for her.

It shouldn’t feel forced from either perspective.

There is a lot of self confidence that needs to occur from your perspective with years of societal expectations to overcome. The fact that your wife is accepting is already way better than a lot of people have it.

Don’t feel like you need to do anything you’re not comfortable with. In my case my wife has known since we were dating. Over the years I have become much more comfortable with dressing not only in front of her but other people, but it takes time. One of the easiest transitions for me was to wear a nightgown to bed. You’re technically dressed, no makeup, you’re not seen specifically, it’s pretty easy to do. I started to do it occasionally and now it’s every night for the last three years.

Go at a pace that works for both of you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by chrissy111

Charlotte, have you discussed this with her. It might help if you knew how much is too much for her.

---

We've discussed it at length in the past - many months ago when she was still getting her head around it she said that whilst she isn't attracted to women, I am her person and if I wanted to transition then she would still be with me. It's not what I want (I went through a period of questioning and being sure that was what I wanted, but the reality was that it isn't what I want as it's not 24/7)

It's my thing that I need to get over I guess. There's just something about putting a wig on and towering over her (Shes 5ft6, i'm 6ft 5) whilst dressed in clothing that is feminine whilst being this 200lbs man that just feels embarassing and stupid, and that if I feel like that she must also think "WTF am I doing with this man"

If it does not feel right, then don?t do it. Maybe you will overcome your doubts and inhibitions after a while. If/When/Until then, just try to relax and enjoy.

Re: There's just something about putting a wig on and towering over her (Shes 5ft6, i'm 6ft 5) whilst dressed in clothing that is feminine whilst being this 200lbs man that just feels embarassing and stupid, and that if I feel like that she must also think "WTF am I doing with this man“

I’m 6’4” 210 pounds myself, I get it. And here is how I got over it. My then girlfriend, now wife, bought me a birthday gift. It was a five class series in burlesque dancing. Each class focused on a specific item: wearing and dancing in heels, how to interact with a feather boa, a class on opera length glove removal, how to do a stocking peel, etc. I was the only male in a class full of women. It was intimidating because I didn’t want to be seen as the guy perving out over the women in class. But they soon saw I was trying my best, just like they were.

The women had their own body image issues: too old, too big, too clumsy, too shy. We bonded over the ridiculous nature of what we all were doing, trying to learn accept ourselves and just have fun in class. Over the course of the classes I made lots of friends and I continued taking more classes. We still see each other today, that first class was 12 years ago. I’m going to Las Vegas in a few months with two of them and we’re going to see some shows all glammed up. They don’t know me as anything but a part time crossdresser.

Everyone has their own issues to work through. I know I don’t pass but people who you love and care about you are resilient. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite pictures. I tower over these girls, I was too big for the backdrop, but totally worth it.

Attachment 345541

I was the same way at first and I was young around the age of 16.My mom and wife when we were dating encouraged me to do it.I listened and wife was right with her by my side

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Debs

My wife has to inspect me before I leave the house !!, she says "That skirt is way to short for you to go shoppoing in !!!, so after several outfit changes, I get the nod that is ok to go shopping, lol

---

My wife is the same at times last time was with a top that was a little too revealing

Charlotte, I do understand the feeling you have and although I do not dress often (Would love to do it more) I don't know that I would do it in front of my wife. She is only of the tolerate level and is ok seeing me dress, but the act of doing it front of her seems like another level. Having said that, I do put on panties in front of her almost every morning as we get ready for the day. :idontknow: There are as many rules, standards, levels as there are ladies on the site, each of us trying to make our way as best as we can.

Mercedes XOXOXO

I dress as MIAD in front of my wife, and it's not easy. She's much more at ease with it than I am. On one hand I am embarrassed to dress in female clothes before her, on the other hand feeling accepted like this is a wonderful feeling. After doing it a dozen times, it still feels weird, but not as weird. Once, we played a board game together, which means we had a high level of interaction while I was dressed. I really enjoyed it, since this experience felt more natural than just watching TV together. It felt like the clothes were my clothes. The feeling of acceptance went to a new high.

She isn't ready to see me dressed in full nines, and I don't want it either, because the full nines are a private thing for me. It would feel too awkward as far as I am concerned to be with my wife, dressed as a woman and wearing forms and makeup. I wouldn't feel accepted either, because full nines isn't my true self. It's an experience I do once in a while.

But if you feel differently and think you may enjoy being with your wife in full nines, and she's telling you it's okay, by all means do it. Do it softly and gradually, check her reactions, but do it. Women don't say these things lightly. She's making a gift to you and accepting it will tighten the bonds between you. I passed once or twice on MIAD when my wife offered it because I didn't feel like it and in retrospect I regret it and consider it was stupid of me. I should have made the effort every time, because that gift is so precious, it's pure love and should never be turned down.

I know exactly where your coming from. Even after 30 plus years I still ask her every time before I dress up if it's OK with her. I don't like pushing any issues but I do ask her to tell me if it gets to be to much or be honest if she doesn't like it. For some reason even after all these years a few weeks back I wrote about us in a hotel and I had no choice but to get dress in front of her. If felt so strange her watching me hooking up the bra and especially for some reason I got very embarrassed when putting on pantyhose. I always tell her I hope she is honest and not just being polite.

I think it's fair to say that no matter how comfortable we grow with our dressing it's all but impossible to shake off those societal voices that we grew up with that saw people from our community as something to make fun of. Yes society has changed but there's enough who still hold negative opinions of how we present to keep nagging at our deepest subconsciousness.

Letting go of these feeling is difficult. Your desire to not impose your choices upon your partner is commendable. It does seem however that your past relationship is colouring how you act in your current life.

As others have said, talk to your SO. If she absolutely confirms and assures you that being dressed in her presence is OK by her then believe her. By all means seek to limit your dressing but it's time to let go of the guilt.

Talk to her about it and give her time to think about it

I have the opportunity to dress today as the kids are out of the house. My wife was out running errands so I texted her that I was taking advantage of the alone time. She thanked me for letting me know so she was prepared for when she got home.

I felt more comfortable to dress and have her come home than have her be home and change upstairs.

Sadly there has been no acknowledgement of my new clothes but that was probably not going to happen . . . But a girl can hope.

My wife read my post above and had a few comments. She said that the fact I declined her offers to do MIAD with her on a few occasions didn't really hurt her. In fact, she likes that it put it back in some normality, like I'd decline a trip to the movie theater. She also objected to my sentence about women not making these offers lightly. She said that some may feel pressured to do so. So I want to point out that I wrote this sentence not for all women in all situations with a CDer husband, but for women like Charlotte's SO as she described her, in other words, women who want to have an active part in their SO's CDing.

I know how you feel Charlotte. My wife accepts my dressing, especially my wearing a bra around the house, but I still sometimes feel awkward and embarrassed dressing around her.

For a while after I came out to my family, I was embarrassed to put on female clothing in front of my wife. I slowly got over it. It’s just clothes, after all. My clothes.