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Do you ever have brief moments where you wonder what the hell am I doing? Sitting here in my panties and bra. What the heck?
I have these from time to time. They are only brief flashes in my mind. Probably a hold over from the ingrained definitions of male and female as I grew up. They don?t cause me any guilt and pass very quick. I treasure being able to dress this way. Just funny how the mind works sometimes.
"What the hell am I doing?" moments are long gone. In my formative years it was don my mother's clothes, followed by shedding them and having a feeling of self-loathing come over me. It took a while for self acceptance. I sort of look at my life's accomplishments and can see I checked off all the boxes of required "manhood" society throws at males. One of the thoughts that gets me over any doubts is what I told my wife: "I do not know why I do what I do!" I leave it at that rather than trying to come up with some lame justification.
Not so much in the recent past, but before, yes. No negatives. Usually, just shaking my head, rolling my eyes and laughing.
Back when I began? All the time!:doh:
But, for the last 10 or 15 years? No! I'm having too much fun!:tongueout
Oh these are not guilt and shame times at all. Those are long gone for me as well. Just once in a while a micro second of WTH. Then off to don something pretty. I?m not steeped in regret or fear at all. I have fully accepted I am what I am. A good person overall that takes care of family. I just like wearing female clothes Life is too short as it is.
The first time I went out fully dressed and we had to stop for gas. I asked the wife to pump the gas since I was fully dressed. She looked at me and smiled and said HELL NO THIS WAS YOUR IDEA SO GET OUT AND PUMP. She was always so sweet to me!!!!
Oh yes, of course. And if I ponder long enough I can come up with any number of equally speculative answers to the question.
Yes, but less than in the past. When I first started dressing in front of my wife it happened quite a few times, and for her as well, now when it happens I just think ‘so what?’ After all I really enjoy dressing!
No I don't. I know exactly what I am doing and I love doing it.
Fortunately I don't have those moments anymore. I did when I was a closeted crossdresser but since accepting myself, coming out as trans and living full time, those doubts have vanished.
Once or twice I’ve had WTF moments, but not for a long time. A quick glance in the mirror and I know why I’m doing this.
Funny story, CD206! I had a similar "Coming of age as a CD", story!
Coming back from a T event in Vegas on one of my first times there, my gas tank showed "empty" on my way to my hotel!:eek:
Fortunately I found a gas station on the strip but I was dressed as a near naked show girl!:o
No one batted an eye. Even the cashier who took my cash!:straightface:
I never worry about how I'm dressed in Vegas ever since!:devil:
Sure I have had those moments in the past.
But I have grown to just accept that this is how I like to dress the best.
And that is life, If the world does not agree, that is their problem, haha
For me, part of the journey has been one of self acceptance. Have I had those moments? Absolutely. Sometimes I get all dressed up, see myself in a mirror, and just hang my head and feel like an idiot.
I am not a woman. I am never going to be a woman. Even if I had all the transition surgeries, hair laserings, and voice training, I will never be a woman. A dear friend asked me if I felt like a woman especially when I crossdress, and I told her "Absolutely not!" Looking in a mirror I am trying to see a woman, and always failing. Maybe if I starved myself down to a size 6 and had a professional service spend hours trying to transform me, I might be able to just slightly begin to look like a woman, but I will never be a woman. Setting the bar of appearing as a woman is too high and I will always be disappointed.
But, though I was born xy, have no other condition that affects my genetic/health status as a male, have the appropriate bits for a male, and have fathered children... I am likewise never going to be a man. It simply isn't who I am. I can play the role of a man, society sees and interacts with me that way, and I can do a good job of it. But, I'm never going to be 100% a man. It's just not in me. So, for me to always present as male is to some degree just as much likely to make me feel an idiot.
Trying to thread that line between the two extremes is part of that journey for me. Finding where I am in between those, figuring out how to fully integrate all of me into me is the goal. In the process, I have to actively push away the "wtf?" moments. That's working against me, and I won't accept it anymore.
When I go for a long period of time without dressing, that's when I ask myself "what the hell am I doing?" :heehee:
Sherry, your gas station story is awesome! Of course, it's Vegas and the locals have probably seen everything.
Traci, this is so true. I mean these feelings have been with most of us for a long time and it's usually quite normal for me. But I'm pretty closetted and just occasionally I find myself thinking hang on, this is a bit weird. A pretty dress, heels, makeup and hair. It's not a bad weird. I don't suffer any guilt. If anything it gives me a thrill that this is my delicious secret. Your strapline sums me up perfectly btw.
Yep. A few months ago, JC Penny had a nice sale ( Not unusual) and something clicked in me telling me that I. needed some. new panties. So I went and bought three pair and as I was leaving the store I thought to myself ? Why? ? its not like I don?t already have plenty.
At my age (82) I often wonder what am I doing, Then I Just Enjoy it,
I've had those, "What am I doing" moments but, just fluffed them off as residual guilt trip nonsense.
Sherry, that is truly at the top of my list of what I miss from living in Las Vegas for 16 years. Every day could be a T event.Quote:
Originally Posted by docrobbysherry
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Wow JulieC nicely put and agree 100 %. I try to enjoy and do my best whichever way I?m presenting but it?s not always easy.
I use to have them a lot but it was when I was in drab.
Early on I had those thoughts all the time.
Even after coming out to my wife I would have them from time to time but over the last 10 years or so they have been non-existent. I know what I'm doing and I'm very happy doing it.
I get them once in a while. Lately, they make me laugh.:roflmao:
I must admit that I often ask myself, WTH. As with most, I am a father, have done all the manly things, sports, racing, hunting, you name it. For over fifty years, I have just felt the need to put on something soft and flowing. I often wonder why I am wired this way. Regrets? Maybe. But not enough to stop me. I cannot resist the urge to buy one more dress, skirt, top, bra or pair of shoes when I see something I like. I just remind myself that I am not hurting anyone. I would most likely dress more often if it were not for having family across the street and others within walking distance. At 6'3" it is hard to pass. I just know I feel fantastic while wearing hose and a flowing dress or skirt. Haven't stopped yet and I do not see myself stopping anytime soon.
I used to think that a lot when I was younger and first starting out. But as years went on I started to lose the thought and would sometimes think ?what am I doing?? from time to time
So many times I have bought feminine clothes online, and thought, ?why am I doing this?? One time I bought 6 pairs of pantyhose online, and then canceled the order quick because I wondered if I should really be spending money on this? The amount of times I have canceled online orders is too many to count. This happens less often now though.
I've had those thoughts. But when I look at myself in the mirror and see the beautiful clothes I'm wearing i can't help but smile. And in that smile I see such joy and happiness any doubts I had vanish.
Sure, I had those thoughts as most of us. I ceased to have a problem with this including the feeling of shame as soon as I have accepted my femininity. When dressed up completely from head toe as a woman, it's like saying: come on Sabine, it's your time now, enjoy!
Naturally I wonder, but it's more a case of "what the h### was I thinking?" after going back to drab. I have the advantage that my Geena presentation is almost unrecognizable from my drab look and (I think) looks like a woman. It takes a bit to get over the notion that the 'woman' I see in the mirror is me.
Strangely enough, I am sitting here, at my desk, reading and typing, wearing just panties, cami bra and forms. The only reason that I am not wearing more is that I soon have to dress looking like a man for a physical therapy session. If I wasn't going out, I would probably have floral shorts and a cami top over my undies.
It's amazing because even after thirty plus years dressing in front of my wife even up to this morning getting out of bed wearing a full slip still feels so surreal. It's funny but my wife can't understand why when I dress in front of her I get so embarrassed still after all these years.
Oh yes, I've had a few of those moments. One of the first times I was out during the day in London walking out of Tottenham Court Rd station into the bustling streets, feeling so exposed and thinking "what am I doing" but I settled after about 10mins or so
I really haven't had those moments, but, I'm only about 5 years into this CD thing. What I do know is I am 100% comfortable in my panties, bras, dresses, wig, jewelry, makeup, and nylons. I'm very fortunate that my wife, while not a fan of my cross dressing, is quite tolerant of it. What I do think of from time to time is what would I do if she demanded I stop. I'm 79, we've been married 41 years, and I don't believe she would ever do that. But, if she sis, what would I do. Yeah, I could promise never to CD again, but I know I'd be in the closet dressing whenever I could. So, no, I don't wonder why I do this, but I do wonder how I might handle it if she wanted me to put on the brakes.
I don't remember a time I had doubts about dressing en femme
Likewise, I am not a woman, even though I have a feminine appearance due to estrogen over 13 years and have a bust and beyond shoulder length hair. When I stand before a mirror wearing a nightgown after waking up, I see a woman looking back at me. That illusion is shattered when I sing deep notes with my relaxed vocal cords, and a note A1, 3 ledger lines below the bass staff, comes out.Quote:
Originally Posted by JulieC
John