After 30+ years of being together, I?m finally out to my wife
Just over two weeks ago I finally opened up to my wife about my crossdressing. While neither the exact moment nor location was planned, it was time to let it out. Just over a year ago I was pretty miserable and started to question why. My biggest issue was occasional gender dysphoria, 45 years of closeted dressing, and how to tell my spouse without hurting her and destroying our marriage. So, I hit all the resources I could find and have been seeing a therapist for about 8 Months - not just to work on gender identity but to also be a better spouse. After some recent days alone en femme, and talking to my wife about how therapy was going really well, I kind of spilled the beans by mentioning I'd been able to open up to my counselor about things that gave me a-lot shame and guilt since I was a child. My wife, being very adept at pulling strings, sensed I was withholding something and asked what it was. Saying, "If you don't tell me I'll assume the worst", which wasn't what I wanted. So, over the next 2 hours everything came out.
It went surprisingly well. She was very accepting. She joked about sewing me a dress, asked about what I liked to wear, and was astonished about how well I was able to hide it for so long. It was also something she had never considered as an explanation for me seeming "troubled" at times. The talk was really difficult for me but went by quickly and ended well. It felt almost too good to be true. It was.
The next day it sank in. I had also told her about "the letter" I wrote and she read it. From then on we've had many discussions about how she knew all along I was repressing something. Early in our marriage she thought I might be gay...or maybe just a distant uninterested jerk (insert alternate expletive as you wish). We began connecting dots all through our marriage and it explained a-lot of my passive aggressive behavior over the years that I'm not particularly proud of.
As one might imagine we've spent most of our discussions about our fears and insecurities around this issue that we all hear about and contend with from the stories shared amongst us. Do I want to transition? She wants to be married to a man so clearly that wouldn't work. Will I always feel conflicted if I can't transition? It brings her guilt because she doesn't want to stand in the way of me being authentic, and me guilt for putting her in that position. Do I want to be with a man to feel validated as a woman? No, though there is plenty out there on the internet to read and convince you of that otherwise. Do I go out in public? The thought of that terrifies her, both for my physical and emotional safety should I be outed in a public setting. Boundaries? She's not ready to see me en femme but perhaps someday. What?s really going on inside my head? After so many years of hiding, her trust in me has been eroded and the fear of the unknown is paramount.
So, where we stand today is in a better place I hope. We've spent two weeks reconnecting on a deep and emotional level daily. She's still very accepting but doesn't want to know too much too quickly. It can be/is overwhelming at times. Our intimacy has skyrocketed. We both need each other's understanding, touch, and compassion to get through this moment which is drawing us closer together. It's difficult right now. Very difficult. Her open mindedness, and the foundation of our love and commitment to each-other is holding us together thankfully.
After going through this initial phase, where our emotions still run high, what is my advice to anyone in the closet and avoiding opening up to their SO? You should probably ring that bell but be careful, humble, and accept your own vulnerability. In my case, hiding this was causing more harm to my loved ones than I realized. Cross-dressing, by its nature, is a selfish act. We find ourselves inside our own heads so much that we don't realize we may be distancing ourselves from the ones that love us. Work on understanding yourself and improving your relationship before coming out. Non-answers aren?t helpful. Be prepared to honestly answer questions - having thought through as many as you can ahead of time. If you don't know, say "I don't know". Make coming out less about you and mostly about your SO's feelings...shut up and listen to their needs and concerns. It can provoke so much anxiety and fear in them that you need to be the one to become "accepting". It"s up to us, the crossdresser, to be the unicorn from now on. After all, it?s us putting them into a situation they didn't sign up for.
Finally, thanks to everyone on this forum for their advice over the past year when I've brought this topic up. I was somewhat reluctant to post this because it's still so raw, private, and personal but I've gained so much insight from others experiences here it would be like taking from the group without giving anything back. I don't think I would ever have had the courage to do this had I not found you group of lovely ladies.
- Sophia
