Undone by a Glance in the Mirror

Posted the following to my blog this morning, thought I?d share it here with you:

There are moments on this strange, winding journey where the pull of my inner feminine self meets a reality I?m not prepared for, and a single glance in a mirror can undo me in ways I never expected.

Yesterdays visit to Reinvent Yourself, something I?d approached with quiet hope, became one of those moments.

What was meant to be a simple wig fitting and a touch of makeup turned into a sudden collapse of confidence, a painful confrontation with a reflection I wasn?t ready to face. In that instant, the hope that had brought me there slipped away, leaving me spiralling into shame and self-doubt.

I woke yesterday morning with a flicker of excitement. Having recently started to like the colour of my own grey hair, I was looking forward to trying a wig in a similar grey-silver tone, something that might echo my natural hair and bring a new dimension to my feminine presentation.

Gill, the owner of Reinvent Yourself, had offered to apply some makeup so I could see the wig on me in a more feminine way. I looked forward to that too.

My daughter accompanied me, as she had before, and we arrived shortly after ten. Gill had already opened the shop, and before I knew it, I was in the chair next to the makeup mirror. She offered me a drink, but I was ready.

Gill worked slowly, explaining each step and why she was doing it. I listened, keen to pick up tips for future attempts at makeup. I did my best to avoid sneaking a glance at the mirror, that moment always makes me feel most exposed. But even as she applied the makeup, I couldn?t escape the voice in my head: I just look like a sad old man trying to achieve something that is unachievable. That thought hit me like a physical blow, a jolt of internalised transphobia.

I held on to the hope that the wig would transform the experience, that it would mirror the magic I felt during my first makeover at Femme Side Studio. When Gill unpacked the wig, my first thought was how grey it looked, perhaps too grey, but I pushed myself to stay positive.

She placed the wig on my head, brushed it, and held up the mirror. And in that instant, I wanted the ground to swallow me. I was confronted with a reflection I couldn?t reconcile with the inner image of my feminine self. Repulsion, heartbreak, and despair surged through me all at once. I wanted to cry, but I forced the tears back.

I worried about my daughter seeing me like this. My shame deepened, and I wondered if bringing her along had been a mistake. The longer I stared at the mirror, the worse it felt. The grey wig seemed to amplify my masculine features, turning me into a caricature of the ?old witch? I feared I appeared as.

I asked Gill to take a few photos using my phone, almost hoping that a digital image might soften the blow. I convinced myself, briefly, that maybe the wig just needed the right clothing, something more feminine than the black polo and grey jeans I had on to make it look right.

“Yes, I like it,” I said to Gill, wanting to complete the transaction as quickly as possible so I could pay for the wig and get the makeup off. Removing it felt like it took forever, each moment stretching as I tried to erase the look that had left me feeling so exposed and vulnerable.

Because of poor signals, Gill couldn?t use the card reader to take my payment, so we agreed I would do a bank transfer later in the day. After saying goodbye, I walked out of the shop with my new Lyndon ?Silverstone? wig in hand. Even on the way to the car, my thoughts drifted ahead, maybe the same style wig in a medium brown would feel closer to the image I had of myself.

Even in moments of disappointment, hope has a quiet, persistent way of creeping back.

Later on in the day I emailed her the following message;

Quote:

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Hi Gill


Just to confirm that I have now transferred the money for the wig to your account.

It?s nothing to do with you whatsoever, but i didn?t like what I saw this morning with the wig on. You could probably tell by my reaction too but I couldn?t get the makeup off quick enough. Again, nothing to do with you, just my internalised transphobia kicking in. When I saw myself in the mirror I couldn?t help thinking that I looked like the wicked witch from the Wizard of Oz with that colour wig, and I just didn?t feel feminine at all.

I do like the wig but and I think with the right feminine clothing it will look better. Anyway I?m going to order the same style wig in the ?medium brown? as I think I will be much happier with that colour.

Once again thanks for your time this morning and look forward to seeing you again soon.

Best Wishes

Lotte x

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Later that evening Gill replied with a thoughtful message.. She mentioned she had noticed my reaction, acknowledged that silver can be a tricky colour, and reassured me that it was absolutely fine to exchange it if I wanted. Her main concern, she said, was that I feel feminine and comfortable, and she also shared that she thought the style looked lovely.

I have since replied to let her know I'm keeping the wig but want her to order the same wig style in a Medium Brown.

This experience reminded me that the journey to embracing my feminine self isn?t always smooth. There are moments of hope, and there are moments when the mirror feels like an enemy rather than a friend. But even in the pain, there?s clarity, a recognition of the internal barriers I carry, and the small victories that come from facing them.

I left the shop yesterday carrying more than just a wig; I carried a renewed understanding of my hopes, my vulnerabilities, and the gentle persistence of hope. And while the path toward feeling truly comfortable in my feminine self has its bumps, I know these moments are part of learning, growing, and gradually being kinder to myself.

Thanks for reading,

Lotte x

I know how you feel. I have been feeling pretty good about my femme look -- I go out on normal day-to-day errands all the time, and get "ma'am"ed a fair amount, and don't get "sir"ed (at least when they see me. My voice still sounds male to drive-throughs, apparently). But the last week or two I've been feeling like a fat old guy in a skirt. I think I am experiencing some delayed stress from my wife moving out, and I think I'm eating a little more and exercising less, so I've put on 4-5 pounds. That doesn't sound like much on my large body, but it makes me *feel* fat, and my energy is low, and I'm just doing the things I *have* to, mostly. I need to power past the feeling and "get back out there". There's an organ recital today at 5 PM, and I'm determined to go to that as Joanie, a little bit dressed up -- at least a skirt and booties or low heels. Before or after the music I need to go to the grocery store, so I'll switch to jeans or leggings, probably. My point is that, as all the lovely supportive ladies on this forum have said, these feelings come and go. In a couple of days you'll feel super-feminine again, and I will too!

I'm sure we all have moments like that. The image looking back isn't the one we hope to see, wanted to see.
I have perhaps a dozen wigs in various styles and colors and each provokes a different reaction when I don it. The first time I tried a grey wig I felt as you did. It took some time and a few wearings for that to fade and for me to see the lady in grey.

Even so there are still times when I can't see her looking back at me. It's depressing and frustrating. I know she's there but I can't see her. Then there are days when she's all I see. I smile and the smile grows each time I see her gazing at me.
If you were usually blonde or brunette then it will take some time to see yourself grey. It's a drastic change for us as it's not gradual, it's immediate. Give it time.

Now let me tell u something, Lotte. That terrible sinking feeling and loathing and disgust is something I feel EVERY SINGLE TIME I GO OUT DRESSED!:doh:
And, I've been out 100's, maybe a 1000 times since I began dressing in my 50's.

That first year I loved the way I looked in women's clothes and a wig. But, I took photos waist down or from behind because I hated that old MAID in my mirror!:daydreaming:
It got so bad I almost quit entirely. Then, I tried on a fem mask and Sherry was born! All the pics I take now look like the young woman I feel like!:battingeyelashes:

But, every time I go out I get that same terrible sense of loathing and disgust looking in my mirror!:thumbsdn:
I have to force myself out the door. I can do it only because I've found that others aren't as repulsed by my looks as I am! Some even like me!:eek:

My point being, do the best u can to suit yourself. Then, learn to live with the results!:heehee:

"I know these moments are part of learning, growing, and gradually being kinder to myself."

The sentence you posted above is how you should take life. It is good advice for any situation, not just for cding. Learn from life's experiences.

I have similar thoughts about myself. I have days where I think what am I doing? I look ridiculous. Most times when I feel like this I go and hide from the world till the bad thoughts leave me. You'll get back on your feet. You'll discover ways to deal with the anguish of not being exactly who you think you are. just think, you are better than what you see in the mirror.

It's good that I am a vampire, I have no mirrors.

Ahh, Lotte, I so feel your pain.

I tried a silvery "age appropriate" wig once and absolutely hated the "old man in a wig" that stared back at me. That thing went into the purge bin immediately!

It's so ironic how I long for the youthful appearance that realistically is just not going to happen. I've got nearly 15 yrs on you and my self image can be really self deprecating at times. Don't know if others can relate, but I can dress nice and feel pretty good about my body image and style, but do a "face blur" and just force myself to not focus on that aspect in that in the mirror. Wish I didn't care but that's definitely a part of my struggle coming to terms.

Only affirmation I can give to you is that what I see in your posts and pictures are infinitely better than what you stated you felt. I know this doesn't help much with your own self image but I look up to you for your style and appearance in every post you have shared.

Gail :hugs:

I am reminded of the time back in Jan 22. I hadn't shaved my face in over 40 years, and I had made arrangements to finally clean off to see what I looked like in such a way that my family wouldn't suspect what I was up to. Although I was a little shocked to see myself clean shaven, I was almost giddy in anticipation of patting on some makeup and seeing Geena. Owning to my unexpected drab look and my lousy makeup skills, I was beyond disappointed in the results. I looked nothing at all like I had hoped, basically there was nothing attractive in the image I saw. I was ready to say, "well, that didn't work" and give up the notion altogether. Fortunately, I tried again a couple days later and although the results weren't good, at least they were tolerable. It was almost a year later, when I had some training in makeup that I achieved a result that I liked -- much like my avatar. I don't know that I will ever look the way I hoped, but I have found satisfaction in the look I can achieve.

Well, hmmm. To start, I hate wigs! On me, they all look like a wig. Usually a bad wig. The best I've found is okay. I bought one a week or two ago and threw it away after trying it on when I got home. Somehow looked better in the store.

When I had long hair I wore it in every conceivable way, and whatever I did, it looked like my hair! Looked like it belonged on me. However I had it styled, it looked "right". Not so with wigs.

To make matters worse, so many on here and on Reddit or whatever look absolutely fabulous in wigs of all kinds. Like there's no wrong wig for them. Like it's their hair. Looks "right".

Makes me think for one thing that we're not the best judge of what looks good on ourselves. Trying on one or even several is probably not a good way to pick, either. Even though I've personally not found "the one", I think the way to find it, or at least to find the best one, is to try on a hundred, and split that up into several sessions. I doesn't work for me to try on the ones that I think (or wish) would look good, so maybe try on ones that you doubt.

As far as the other parts of the reflection, I get that, too. Big time. But, hey, what am I going to do? Stop dressing? :lol::lol2:

I've seen your pics. You're very pretty! Wait till you get my age. Then you'll have something to complain about!

Hi Charlotte

Sorry you had such a disappointing experience don't let it dent your confidence not every wig suits everybody but there is a wig that suits everybody you just have to experiment, find your style and colour and you'll again feel fabulous.

My wife loves me looking different and I now have literally hundreds, I think I could actually open a shop, they don't have to be expensive and it is a thrill trying a new one to see how it transforms you.
She particularly likes me to have fringe.
She got me one last week and it even took my breath away how girly and pretty it made me feel it was amazing.

Silver grey is perhaps not ideal I do have one but does make you look older.
There are loads of styles and colours have fun in finding your perfect look.

Amy x

Lotte, I had a similar experience trying on a grey wig. I realized later that I see Jamie as younger than James and the grey wig did not work for that image.

Hi Lotte:hugs:, As I have said many times, The Mirror & Camera can be your Best Friend or your Worst Enemy, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

I just look like a sad old man trying to achieve something that is unachievable.

As a mastery of makeup has simply escaped me all these years, my POV has switched to just having fun with it and maybe fool the camera. The one and only makeover was layers and layers and very theatrical.
Think seeing an old man in the mirror is disenchanting? Replay video to see the ape walk or how much bigger you are than the GG's around you.

I once wrote about the power of a wig. When we put it on, we become our other self. When we take it off, we put her away. To a large extent wearing the wig sets the stage for who we become.

Back in the day, I decided to start growing my hair (while I could). I quickly realized there was no wig to take off. Then, the question became, when am I not Gen? Everything became way more serious than I thought it would. It got me to seriously think about my future and my future gender.

TLDR: Do not underestimate the power of a wig.

We all have our bad wig days. Hope the chestnut gives you back your confidence.

I can understand the response from looking in the mirror. The thing that comes to my mind is that many women have the same response when seeing themselves as they are vs the ideal that they hope to achieve. Some women just own who they are and some go to great lengths to try and achieve the ideal with varying outcomes. A lot of women have an attractive younger self to compare against which would make it even harder when the image in the mirror doesn't match the memory. Sometimes you need to give up the ideal to see the beauty.

Totally understand the reaction. Sometimes, the reflection does not match ones expectations. It might be the style of the wig, its color, or maybe even the lighting. Or it may just a moment when we are just not feeling it. That inner voice can drag a person down even when they look their best.

I am glad that you were open about your disappointment and appreciated the owners commitment to customer satisfaction. I?m glad you left with a greater understanding of yourself and a sense of growth.

I do not go through any personality changes no matter how I am dressed which helps me when I look in the mirror. I actually like it when I look good but I can see some of the man. That can be pleasing to see as well.

Nearing the completion of eight decades on this planet I have accepted my face and body (to some extent) have been ravaged by time. My wig choices have gone from blond (use to be male blond) to brown to grey. The grey option goes along to the fact my remaining hair is a very light grey, bordering on white. If I were to buy another wig, it would be salt and pepper. As an in-home dresser I make it a point to stay away from getting close to a mirror. My option is the full length mirror, viewed from afar. If I am going to accept myself as who I am, then I have to accept the fact that I have aged. In the last two years I have lost three guy buddies to the ravished of time, so knowing I am still looking down at the grass is a plus, no matter what my face looks like.

They say you're as old as u feel, Stephanie. And, even tho I'm 82 I still enjoy going out dancing with young folks at clubs. So, why not look as much like them as I can?:daydreaming:

I'm losing old friends and acquaintances, too. But, I'm still here enjoying life. I say go for it as long as u can, GF!:heehee:

Thanks for all your kind replies, much appreciated x

This morning while in the bathroom I happened to look in the mirror.
I had that feeling you talked about but not because I didn't feel right dressed. I wasn't dressing today as we have contractors on the property and they require interaction. I was drab, brushing my teeth about to put on my "work" clothes and I just got that feeling. I didn't like the reflection, I didn't want to see that reflection. I was getting depressed because I wasn't going to be able to wear what I wanted to today. Now that's not the reaction you were talking about, but it was just as strong in the moment. Can't wait till they finish on Friday.

My natural hair color has been going grey since I was in my 20's. So I guess I was ready for it. I purchased two grey toned wigs from Paula Young a few years back. For me it was sort of a homecoming. I loved having red hair over the years, but now the hair matched my inner perception of me and I now love the look of "angel wing" color from their pallate. Time caught up with me and it looks so natural now,

I think we have all been there. It is more noticeable as we get older. Sometimes I look in the mirror and am repulsed by what I see. Both in drab and femme mode.

I would try not to get too down about it. You look great in your photos. Maybe a grey wig is not for you. Treat yourself to another colour and enjoy. After all most GGs color their hair or wear wigs of varying colours.

Your family are supportive. Embrace that support but try not to go too far too fast.

Lotte, I read with interest your reaction to the gray wig in particular. High hopes for the day and then a bit of reality or so hitting you in the face. Of course you so very often kill it so to speak, what hope is their for some of us. I too have been thinking about a gray wig for a while. I have kind of been viewing some options on line looking for a brown wig with gray highlights or something along those lines. Maybe easing into this gray thing a little bit. I know I have seen women with hair like that and I think it looks good. I would very much like to visit a shop and try a few on, like I did for my very first wig, but haven't found a decent shop around here as of yet. Someday.

Your right, be kind to others and yourself. Something we all should practice.

It's amazing how things change so fast, from an exciting morning to a confused moment. I have those moments and it usually starts with a mirror. I believe I look good with what I set myself up with and then I look in the mirror and see a man wearing a dress. I've look myself straight in the eyes in the mirror and asked myself how do I have the nerve to present myself in front of my wife dressed and looking like this. The good thing is I usually rebound myself within a few days and then I'm back again. I guarantee if you didn't already give that wig another try, you will and probably eventually it will look good to you. A lot of times we try a different look and we shock ourselves. Hopefully better days to come.

Sorry you had that reaction Charlotte. I hope you have had a better experience since then. How nice that your daughter is involved.
It?s a constant battle for me to accept what I see in the mirror from the neck up. I have two grey wigs along with my main brunette one. I enjoy the different looks and choosing clothes to match.