My family found out about my cross-dressing in such a overwhelming way.

Hi I'm Vicki, I've been cross-dressing most of my life on and off gone through many many purges. This past Friday I was curious about Snapchat and downloaded the app and accidentally clicked on something that had access to my contacts. My daughter on her phone has me in her contacts and as soon as my Snapchat went live under the username Vicki love she texted me. Did you just open a Snapchat? I acted like I didn't know what was going on. She's 25 and a paralegal so she went researching my username and found an Instagram account with over 100 pictures of myself. I used filters so you could not tell it was me at all but she noticed the pictures were in places in our house. This devastated her. She let her mom know and her sister has all of them looked into the pictures deeper my wife saw me wearing her lingerie and dresses at my daughter s noticed I wore a couple of their dresses. It's not only hurt them but they feel violated. I totally take chew ownership and Ness. I was asked to leave the house and I'm currently been in a hotel for one week and going to stay another week so my wife can process because everybody was home for Thanksgiving so she didn't have the time to process. This sucks

This is an awful situation. I'm very sorry.

Hiding and sneaking is never good - as you are now well aware; this world is an open book to those who aren't exceptionally careful. I hope you can find a way to ask for forgiveness for the deception and move forward in a positive way in the future. When the dust settles, ask to have a truthful conversation with those involved.

Thank you, I have seen a therapist already once going to see her again on Monday and then my wife and I are going to go to a therapist that we both mutually know on Wednesday. I know this is going to be a hard road

sorry you are out of the house, technology is a bitch,

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...l-your-partner

so maybe a bit late but you may stiill find some talking points to help some of your discussions.


wearing theyre things was bad so you need to get your own....hopefully you can survive this situation and earn back the trust you lost.

i wish you luck....once you post 10 posts you earn the trust of the forum and other sections will be availiable to you.
maybe if you post in the loved one section more GGs (genetic girl) will be able to post some good advice also.

This is a very complicated situation. My advice is to not make it worse. So be transparent and honest when she asks you questions. You have broken her trust and need to restore it. This will take years but it starts now. It might be tempting to lie about some things she asks you because the answers are embarrassing. I've been there. My wife asked if I used some of her lingerie. I said yes and it devastated her because some pieces were ones she had worn previously during intimate moments. I can tell you that when I saw the damage, how it totally killed our intimacy for the months to come, I asked myself quite a few times if I had done the right thing answering honestly. But honesty, transparency is a learned habit when you have been hiding things for so long. And the only way it can hold and mean something to you is by sticking to it like a life line. If you start punching holes again in it, it will just come apart. Of course, if you lie again and your wife finds out, not only all your efforts will have been wasted, but restoring the trust will become almost impossible, definitely. But the important thing is that honesty is its own reward, you should stick to it for your own good, because it will allow you to respect yourself again throughout this situation. You blew it, but out of this mess you will be making something good, and take your relationship to new heights, into an adult state. And be prepared, as this means revealing a LOT of things about you when asked questions. And some may hurt or worry or trouble your wife, and may cause setbacks in the process. And your wife will still doubt about your sincerity, fair enough, so perseverance is key. If your wife doesn't run up the hills and decides to stay with you, you will be playing the long game, and after 6 years since I came out to my wife, I can tell you the efforts pay off. It takes time, there were tears, doubts, difficult conversations, but I can tell you there was also much love given forth and back, and it made our relationship much richer, and probably stronger than ever. So there is hope, and it depends very much on how you will handle this. Listen, listen, listen, and tell, tell, tell. And like Mykell said, the FAB forum will be a huge help if your wife agrees to sign for it. Good luck to you and your family.

Thank you so much for sharing. I appreciate the advice very much

That?s a worst fear right there. Best of luck.

Thank you

The worst and best day of my life was when I was sitting on our bed three weeks into our marriage and wearing her pantyhose and contemplating what to do next. I decided to tell her, and it was from the first time I remembered trying on my sisters pantyhose up until that same morning that I tried on hers. It was the hardest and most embarrassing moment of my life to open up about this. I couldn't have blamed her if she left me, but instead she respected my courage and honesty but was upset I didn't tell her before marriage. I believe it was answering her questions as honest and truthful that was the opening of other doors. Going forward as hard as it will be we must never give up, you have to fight and be honest. No matter how much it going to hurt, but it's always better to hurt once then keep on hurting them with lies.

Vicki,

I am so sorry you have to experience this and go through all this trouble! The unfortunate thing is your daughters are also caught up in the middle of the mix to resolve this issue. Having a wife alone find out her husband engages in cross dressing is difficult enough but you now have the added burden of rebuilding a relationship with each of your adult daughters; what works for one will not necessarily work for the other nor your wife. No doubt there is a lot of HURT and, especially broken trust! But, like everything else in life, it is possible to solve. Just listen to what others have suggested as many of us have already traveled this bumpy road. Understand that this too shall pass and with time, patience, and LOVE there are better times ahead.

Many years ago, my wife found my waist nipper in our bedroom and, since it wasn't hers, she confronted me with it. Because I did not want her to believe I was unfaithful and having an affair with someone, I confessed to being a transvestite and shared that I would dress and wear female lingerie when at home alone. To her credit, she felt sympathy for me, mainly that I had to carry the burden of this secret alone for most of my life (I was in my mid 40s). A week later, she took me to Victoria's Secrets where she let me select and she paid for 3 pairs of black lace panties; she did this because in her words, she didn't want me ruining hers as she let me wear hers when we made love. I did attempt to include a bra at this opportunity but she adamantly refused by saying my wearing a bra would ruin her image of me as her husband.

Over the years, her acceptance and support has waned. We've had a number of instances where my cross dressing activities have been exposed due to my forgetful stupidity to put things away properly. The result was her finding my lingerie as well as my breast forms. When she directly asked..what are these, the only response I felt appropriate was...I wear those in my bras. Her reply was...get all those things out of my house. To which, I collected everything and feigned compliance to hide everything in the garage.

Today, I believe she likely suspects that I continue to dress but I have take precautions to not let her see or catch me dressed.

Good luck and best wishes as you repair your marriage!

Something so simple can cause so much destruction. I am one that does not like secrets in a marriage. Even to the point I will not tell someone anything if I didn?t want their spouse to know as it?s wrong to have that expectation. I told my now wife a week before our engagement party and have been married 31 years. I have not told my kids who are adult and one nearly adult now. My daughter during a meltdown claimed I was cheating on my wife as she found a bra I had stashed and not my wife?s size. That was over two years ago and not raised since. I don?t know if I will ever tell my kids so thankfully I do not use social media where I have posted photos. This is the only place I come.
I wish you all the best.

Yet another reason to avoid social media.

Very sorry you are facing this situation. Just remember that the sun will rise again tomorrow and you have not committed a crime. You are an imperfect and complicated, but so is everyone else.

Thank you everyone for your kind support

Vicki,

As someone who is pretty much expecting to be in your situation at some point in the future, I can so sympathize with your plight (and likely panic). I truly hope your family will come around to to a point of understanding and acceptance. I have given this topic much reflection and just hope they soon realize you are exactly the same husband and father you have always been and maybe even have some sympathy for the burden you felt you had to hide. Sometimes keeping secrets can be motivated by kindness and love too.

Hang in there

Thank you

Vicki, I'm wondering why u not only tried on your family's women's things but took pics in them? When I began dressing and lived with my now ex and two daughters it never occurred to me to try on their clothes. Possibly the ick factor in my case?:sad:

Anyway, it sounds like you're going to have to explain why to them and/or your counselor. Do u know why u did that instead of buying your own? Clothes r quite cheap from thrift stores.:thumbsup:

I wouldn't go near Social Media !!!

Vickie I hope you keep us updated on your situation. I wrote here many times that technology is going to out us without us knowing and it's as simple as a slip of the finger and push the share button. Latly this site kicks me out and I have to sign in over and over and I have to copy and paste some things when I write. Thank goodness it happened to my two year old granddaughter and she pushed paste and I was there to see it. That's how easy it is to get caught. They say your phone listens to you ever few seconds and I believe it because I was talking about a car cover with my buddy and when I opened my phone later in the day there were car cover advertisements on it. Im not going to lie that more then once on Instagram I'm getting girls advertising tights or spandex and my children tell me thats because when I search things it tries to find more in that category. We have to be careful but it's getting harder and harder to keep up with technology, every time I go off this site it's like a ritual, clear the history, clear my paste, do this do that and I hope I didn't push something else along the line. Well I hope in time your situation will get better and I hope you include us in your situation because your not going to get any place with more experience then here. We all wish you the best.

Vicki, reading this made me sick to my stomach I can only imagine your pain I truly hope things work out for you very soon. I have kept my Crossdressing a secret for over 50 years Im sure my wife has her suspicions but has not yet confronted me I also have crossdressing or womens clothing pop ups on my computer so I know she has them also I wonder just how much she suspects I agree with others the tech world we live in can out us girls in a heartbeat.

Well, before you run out of hotel money, you and the family need to resolve this issue.
I guess everything else about you is now null and void because you have this little off kilter pastime.
We as CD's go through our own long thoughts about why we do this and gradually find self acceptance because it's what we like, it hurts no one and we have things generally in proper perspective.

For the life of me I can't understand why we can't be honest about this . Not telling your SO before marriage is to me being dishonest. Most of us know by the time we are getting married that this hobby is not going away. Social media has ruined countless lives and will continue to do so.
I feel for your family and the pain they are going through, I pray that somehow this can work out for you.

Social media didn't do this to this person this person did this to this person. And yes it actually does hurt people it hurts people quite a bit that's why I'm still at the psychiatrist twice a week so I never go down that road again. One partner dies from this endeavor the other leaves for trans world yes it does hurt people.

I cannot tell you how badly this woman sees her husband . Do not slag on this woman, she's not done anything wrong. He had NO BUSINESS in his daughter's anything.
This is why the younger ones don't get married. This absolutely IS a sexual thing and that's why they feel violated

Hi Vicki

I know this has been tough on you and everyone in your family.

You need to talk with your wife alone, where you don't have any constraints on time. I am sure she will have a lot of questions.

When you get to talk with your wife, do not make any promises you can't keep. This would only lead to a bigger disaster.

I hope you manage to get through this together

Oops.

I once thought I accidentally posted a pic of me to facebook, using my phone, and then my phone all but locked up. Talk about a panic. Turned out well, I hadn't posted, but I was terrified for a few minutes until I finally got in there.

Wearing your wife's clothes without permission: Don't do that, even though most of us have at least once.
Wearing your daughter's clothes without permission: That's crossing a huge line, you must now beg for forgiveness, buy them new clothes because theirs are tainted, and start being completely honest about everything you've done and everything you do from here on out. And hope.

One last thing: If you commit a crime, don't take pics of yourself doing it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Shelly Preston

Hi Vicki

I know this has been tough on you and everyone in your family.

You need to talk with your wife alone, where you don't have any constraints on time. I am sure she will have a lot of questions.

When you get to talk with your wife, do not make any promises you can't keep. This would only lead to a bigger disaster.

I hope you manage to get through this together

---

This is excellent advice from Shelly, read it over twice and have the talk with your wife.
Good luck!

So sorry this happened to you.
The fear of something similar was one of the reasons I decided to come out fully to my wife. I decided that I was willing to suffer the consequences and that it would be better for me to bring everything up than to have her uncover my secret. I felt I had at least a small chance of things working out. That's another reason why I have never gone on social media and only appear in this and one other related site.

I do hope things work out for you.

My heart aches for you! I came out to my wife the instant things began to get out of control. It?s been up and down. I sincerely hope it all works out for you. It?s just clothes, after all.

Ok you got busted! Most of us have had or do have our little private girly stuff on line. Never thinking about the ramifications of the day all those little girly pictures will come out and they will it?s social media! So what? Blood is thicker than water. Let?s face it at least your family didn?t see on the 10 most wanted list in the post office. There?s not a darn thing you can say at this time, give them space and time to process. They?ll start by asking questions that?s the road for them to deal with it. My brother and brother in law are the most phobic people big time they got over most the people in my small town know I?m a crossdresser most of them got over it. But getting over it is in their court now not yours. You haven?t done anything wrong.
Hugs Rochal

One of the reasons I do not take pictures, let alone post them somewhere, is for the exact situation that is being discussed. In situations like this the person has lost the ability to control the narrative. The wife has also lost control of the narrative. What happens going forward? When my wife and I Had "The Talk" I told her I "did not know, why I do, what I do." Why would any man try to emulate a woman when considering all the negativity surrounding the issue. Risk v reward would suggest not to intentionally disbar yourself from family, friends and coworkers. Yes, sometimes we do violate the privacy of a wife when trying on her clothes, but to extend that to a daughter is like way too much. Here, the mending process includes wife and family. That entangles too many thinkers and the effect each will have on the discussion. It's gone past a discussion between husband and wife which in itself can have many outcomes, but to throw in the daughter and other is like.....ugh! Oh, crap. If and when the dust settles, there is couples and family therapy in your future. Those affected have to become educated as to what a man cross dressing is all about. Hopefully, the bond between husband and wife is strong enough to survive this type of revelation.

Hello Vicki, I am so sorry to hear about your situation, thank you for sharing it with us. I can't imagine how your family feels let alone you. This is a safe place to share and possibly get some advice to help recover from this situation. There are a lot of very bright and caring people here, I hope between friends and your therapist you and your family will come out stronger. Brenda

I told my wife before she found me out. Now I can dress with her home once in a while. But I usually get plenty of girl time all week.

You made 2 mistakes and I am sure you know by now. The horse fled the barn already, no use locking the barn door now.

So, if you want to stay married tell your wife that you can do almost anything she askes except to stop cross dressing. It is and has been built into you since you were a kid. I am not hurting anyone, it is not against the law.

Please talk to your wife alone.
Please be totally honest here on out. To not do so she will never trust you again.
This is common , doesn?t have to be a big deal ?.if she needs support we are here for her too.
Do not say you will stop?..you won?t ?.maybe for a while. But no you will not.
Even if it?s harder to do?.own it, explain it?s common just come clean .
This doesn?t have to be a big deal.If you need more help explaining suggest a counselor, one that is familiar with cross dressers and trans and can talk to you both. So she can understand. There are many couples here and we GGs have our own group.
Best Wishes

When I told my wife recently after many years of marriage it went better than I expected. That was short lived however because she wanted to become educated on the subject without drinking the koolaid I was pouring. If your family goes right to the internet to find answers they?ll likely encounter some pretty anxiety provoking stuff that will confirm their worst fears. This may ring a bit hollow to them but try to get them to read actual books or accounts from other couples. There?s a lot of great disarming info out there now. Reddit is a really rough place to start but comes up early on Goole hits. Stay away from the theory autogynephelia as long as possible, IMO, until you have a therapist to help you talk about it. Thats been a really tough one to work through. Best to you

Going to therapy, both alone and as a couple, will hopefully result in you & your family coming to an point where everyone is comfortable.

I came out to my wife about 10 to 15 years ago. It changed our relationship forever. My wife is someone who never forgives or forgets. I’m a crossdresser and I simply can change that- I’ve tried. I love her deeply and completely. But I can’t change the fact that I’m a crossdresser. She’ll never forget it or accept it. I’ve never lied to her nor will I. We’re truly DADT. Telling her made me feel better but not her. It forever changed the way she feels about me and how she forever feels about us. It’s so heartbreaking.

Please don't wear your wife's & daughters' things. :thumbsdn:

Like, ever again.

Particularly without their permission.


Anyway, keep in mind that this forum is always around for anyone & everyone! :)

Hi everyone so update I'm renting a furnished apartment to give my wife space. We are both going to therapy and trying to get her to couples therapy after the holidays. A lot of people mentioned crossing the line with trying on my daughter's clothes. I 100% agree. These were clothes that they left when they went to college and now live separately from us. The reason I did it was more about having more clothes to take pictures with for different styles. Again, I crossed the line and my biggest mistake was posting all this online.

Thank you for the update. Did you get a chance to have an open heart discussion with your wife?

I made an accidental upload to social media once, before I ever started dressing. From then on in never use my phone for those pics. I never move any files off of the SD card since there?s a chance my grandson?s may be on my pc.

I was able to ?delete? the post before anyone could see it but we all know the databases never really delete anything.