Decided to start a new thread to keep the ideas easier to find rather than lump on another thread.
This is two of two. Why do so many females have worries, fears, guilt, etc over partner crossdressing?
Perhaps in responding it would be good to identify the source of comments:
A- examples from personal life, and
B- learnings from observations of others life.
My ex was very clear about her objections. After first seeing me fully dressed, she stated that could never see me the same way again. For a while, she tried unsuccessfully to tell herself that it?s just clothes. It didn’t work. Whatever she once felt towards me was gone.
My wife's biggest concern is that others (neighbours, friends, associates, strangers) will see me dressed, recognize me, and then take their comments, concerns, and questions to her for a response. It took time, but my wife is now fine with me dressed however I choose inside our home. She will even compliment me if I deserve it, or will offer constructive criticism now and then. A wig and makeup bothers her at times, but other times she'll offer suggestions for me to try this product or that one.
I'm convinced that if she could ever overcome her fear of what others might say to her about me, our life together would be even happier.
Karen
My wife had all the fears:
-what will the neighbors think or say about me and her.
-am I gay and going to leave her or cheat on her.
-she fell in love with me as the man I am and was scared I might want to transition one day. This feeling was increased shortly after my brother-in-law came out as trans.
Put the shoe on the other foot. Suppose...just as an intellectual exercise...that your wife became a secret crossdresser. And you discovered her one day...and she was dressing in a suit and tie--and pasted her hair down, and drew a cute little moustache on her upper lip. Well?
Secondly, suppose you found out your wife was actually born a man--and she had surgery at age 20? (And your kids were secretly adopted.)
Would you still love her if she cut her hair short? Stopped shaving her legs? Discarded all her dresses and skirts?
Cute heels and shoes--gone?
I never had a problem until it seemed around 2018 everyone were hyper sexual experimenting or dressing in the news now was wanting a sex change.
It was another support group I joined which was mostly people looking for?support, friends, and even dates? sort of eroded a bit of confidence with my partner.The big hurdle was is this person looking to be with other dressers or men. That is what most bothered me and other ladies told me same concerns.I was also accused of being a latent lesbian because I loved taking him out as women on dates.Well? to be honest that perception bothered me too but concluded underneath the wrapping paper was the most amazing person. Once that part was behind there was no concern with him sneaking off with a stranger.
One woman told me she was a tinge jealous, she let herself go and he looked better. I joke,but was serious let him help you.The message I said was work on self, Hard in the beginning but I learned, don?t worry about what he?s doing if it?s with you.Who cares what others think.
I stopped caring about what the people had to say. In fact stopping chatting in those groups. In the end my concerns disappeared because I talked to him not them.The outside chats only made me unsettled ,what if, the other dolls seemed to think either I was not real or they were a better catch. Being able to share has made this a fun hobby. Hot and cold is because of not being comfortable with that person. Same fears go back to trust.
2004 So many years ago when I joined a local group for crossed dressed partners, with my doll friend. We had four couples completely social, we would go to the mall, see a show, dancing, some regular outings.The wives were attractive and fit but sometimes their partners would look like?hookers.We didn?t like that in daylight.
I recall the very small framed wife happy her husband to go into the pea in the pod shop, for outfits to hide his beer belly dressed for maternity clothes.He did push her out of a comfortable zone. She was upset he was not trying to lose weight we laughed because everyone was nice but she was a little more than pissed.
I have to echo a fair bit said above; Confetti nailed it on trust. Soooo many times wives found out about crossdressing the wrong way, and trust gets broken. That's usually the bigger issue in such cases, not the crossdressing itself.
Jennifer is absolutely correct too; how accepting would we be if our wives decided to stop presenting as a woman and took on male characteristics, mannerisms, and attire? Would we really like that? For most of us, I think the answer is no.
That also leads into Kim said; we all have a perception of our spouses. It can be shattered.
There's also the usual (understandable) fear questions; Are you gay? Do you want to transition? Does this affect our sex lives? What if someone finds out? What if my FAMILY finds out, or either of our jobs?
For some women, there's also the transgression of entering the femme domain; it's off limits for some.
There's also a huge, huge gap in understanding because we crossdressers have spent our entire lives trying to make sense of it all. Our spouses haven't and can readily be overwhelmed.
There's also the simple reality that almost all wives didn't sign up to marry their prince in shiny white wedding dress.
Well Jennifer, in this forum, you might get some unexpected answers, (like mine?)Quote:
Originally Posted by JenniferR771
For starters, I can't even remember the last time my wife wore anything with a skirt - and even longer for heels.
Oh, she has them. She just never wears them.
If she decided she wanted to CD male, I'd be all for it, but remember I'm on the other side of that fence and if she gets to be the man, then *I* get to be the woman.
I wouldn't want her to discard the dresses skirts, or heels - at least not until I've had a chance to "inherit" what I could wear.
Would I still love her/him? Of course I would.
Would she love me as Sara? Based on 20+ years of experience with her, I'd have to say that's a firm "no."
In my case (coming out very late in the relationship), the broken trust was the main issue. As for the dressing itself and the forms , wigs, makeup, mannerisms and all, there are many issues for a wife (all of the examples below apply or applied to my wife and I) :
- Fear that hubby may be gay or trans and or cheat on her abandon her (the testimonies on this site prove that the concern is very much valid)
- Difficulty to reconcile hubby with this long-haired creature in nylons and heels
- Questioning her place as the feminine gender in the couple when such creature is sharing it with her
- Issues with the sexual aspects of crossdressing (sexy clothes, fetishism)
- Uneasiness with the concept of wearing for the thrill of it breast forms designed for women who endured mastectomy
- Aversion to the gender stereotypes displayed in the presentation of many CDers (long hair, sexy clothes, ...)
- Issues with the objectification of the female body, of reducing femininity to what women wear
- Reading in posts CDers claiming that they are more feminine than their wives when dolled up (one of my wife's button-pushers)
- Worrying that some haters may hurt hubby if he went out dressed
There are many more and you can find them in the precious Ask-a-GG threads (check the top of the current forum section), where many GGs share with absolute honesty and sincerity how they think and feel about these matters.
-- EDIT --
All examples apply in our case.
-- EDIT --
Added last point (haters...)
In the general sense, given the climate in the country by many towards transgender peoples, many women fear the social ostracism that may occur if hubby was found out to be a cross dresser. There is some of that, "She married to a crossdresser! What's wrong with her? Why doesn't she dump him?" From reading on this forum it seems there are wives who are accepting to the extent of even participating but still wanting to keep it a secret.
My wife has said, "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!" She wants a man for companionship and not another female friend. There, I do nothing to violate that boundary. I would add, it is possible a woman may have been a victim of unwanted interactions with another female; sexual trauma that gives cross dressing a negative vibe.
Like it or not a lot has to do with what other people think or what we think other people will think.
I like to think I don't care what other people think of me, but in fact to a certain extent, I do. My late wife was very affected by this, and because I could identify with it I didn't push my boundaries with her. She was very accepting of me in ways that didn't involve the general public. With my encouragement, she discussed our situation with her friends. A woman shouldn't have to deal with something like this completely on her own.
Additionally, while it's not everyone, some people cherish the manly man, womanly woman stereotype, and when cross gender behavior becomes a part of the mix, there is bound to be friction or anxiety in the mix as well.
If I could crossdress any time I wanted I’d probably wear a grey sweater dress, a leopard bra with DD breastforms, white lace panties nude pantyhose and black high heels. Hmm. That’s what I’m wearing now. I can crossdress any time I want.
@CynthiaD
Very nice i like your description
Jennifer, the cross dressing like a man won't work lol, most of these folks here would love it as it would give them an excuse to just go nuts with it/ be ultra submissive all the time etc etc etc.. that's the crossdresser briar patch right there
Instead, use whole body ink, like mine, or on the wedding night announce that I actually never shave, that was just to attract you... And you dont love " all of me " if you don't love my hairy underarms and legs
Many here would trip over any body hair and/ or alot of ink.
Love androgynous men but cannot live kink 24/7 and that's what this is. Living it 24/7
In my case I objected to unbridled infidelity with other crossdressers and being stuck in the house taking billions of photos of him. That's just extreme narcissism, I won't do that again. Constant adoration of his female side or else etc etc etc
Like I said I started intensive therapy back in the spring so that one day maybe I'll be healthy enough again for a non dresser.
I thought I was reading a post of my own.Quote:
Originally Posted by Karen RHT
My wife and I were reading the posts. She said she don?t get it. There?s a lot worse things to find out about hubby than wearing girls clothes. Like waking up to the police at the door and finding out the ex was not only an alcoholic but a gambler and your a half million dollars in business debt! As far as rolls reversed my wife like most other women crossdresses all the time, she probably would look real nice in a tux and tails. If I found out she was transgender it would be all the more interesting since the real estate hasn?t changed since we met.
Hugs Rochal
-- EDIT -- post deleted as it was rather direct and when mods ask to stop the back and forth there is little chance that people who want to react get the possibility to do so. So let's balance the game.
Years ago a few women in the office dressed up like one of the guy's that was celebrating a birthday. My 'office wife' wore her husband's dress pants, white shirt and vest as well as a fake mustache. SHE WAS HOT!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by JenniferR771
A couples therapist mentioned during the one session we had that the issue might be the existence of another woman.
That one statement has resonated with me and that's why I respectfully uphold pure DADT.
My personal experience.we learned together. In Shers previous relationship she had to hide it and when it came out after 20 years she was kicked out. We met a year or so later and she told me right away. So I made it something between us- .learning growing between us. Honestly between us . Just us exploring together it made for such a bond between us.Quote:
Why do so many females have worries, fears, guilt, etc over partner crossdressing?
Perhaps in responding it would be good to identify the source of comments:
A- examples from personal life, and
B- learnings from observations of others life.
On here I read how many times CDs have a secret life I never had to live that -Myself I could never handle that.We also read many think of taking things further. Its a personal journey and each of us have out personal experiences.
Now Mod Hat on
Everyone is speaking on what we experienced or what we observed on here.
Great post Sooooooo.please no back and forth. Speak to your truth or what you have observed like the OP asked.
We can learn from each other. Just because you never have experienced it…..others have .
My live-in girlfriend of 35 years would never even try to understand nor would I expect her to. I actually would not want her to see me as Kristy.
Like someone else mentioned in this thread, the other person in the relationship had a relationship with a guy not a so-called cross dresser, I totally understand.
She would never try to understand in fact she would freak completely out, leave and tell everyone we know.
I wrote about my wife's fears and they sound very typical to most of the other wife's fears about family and maybe losing some closer family. When I told my wife, besides the common "are you gay" and "do you want to transition " her biggest concern was "Are you going to be happy in the closet". I did cross that line and this year my wife asked me if I would mind not going on my usual Friday night drives and keep the hobby in the house. Even though it was a low risk it was a risk and she seen it as a weakness.
On one occasion I was looking myself in the mirror dressed and my wife told me that I had a happy grin on my face because she believes I love to see myself as a women and wondered if she loosened the leash what I would really do. I wrote about on a drive with her and she covered my legs when a guy in a pick up truck was looking at them. I laughed at it but it wasn't funny, she told me the way I dress and my actions are showing that I want the attention from a man and that scares her. She has told me more then once she really wonders what I would really do if opportunity came with me to be with a man and believes I would love the attention. Sometimes we are our own enemies, she loves having a husband that loves to shop with her and share things with and still be her protector but still we have to push it that we end up pushing them away.
On a more serious conversation we had in the past she is worried how I would handle if I got caught, how I would handle it mentally. She told me to our children I'm the fun grandfather, tile setter, hardwood floor installer repair the car and most appliances and all around handy man and call me for anything and I'm always there for them. To the parents they all call me I'm the go to guy if they want anything done around the house or anything in general. To my nephews I'm the guy with the fast car and have taken time and helped them with there problems more then their own parents and they respect me and ask me for advice all the time, they really look up to me. All around I'm the guy who dirties his hands when someone else doesn't want to. She told me she knows me to well and I have to big of a heart and she fears that I won't be able to handle it mentally. She worries that I will do something drastic, like leave not to face it and she even mentioned worse thoughts.
Thats why she holds me back not to take chances and that she will buy whatever I want and encourage it and for me to keep an open communication so she can help me with it. Her fears of my mental situation is serious to her and I have to respect and always try to reinsurance her I dont want her to be worried like that.
As much as we may joke here at times and we always love to read about advancements this is real life and to answer your question my wife's biggest fear is losing what she has now. Meaning she happy with everything all around but knows this could be life changing. To me it's really sad I put her through this but it's in my blood. I have always called it a curse but even though with her fears she still calls it a blessing. I guess to her if it comes out everyone will look at me different and she doesn't believe I could handle it because everything I do or did will be washed away and she doesn't believe I deserve that. I guess it's good to have someone to give you an option if you deside to jump the fence what's on the other side may not be what someone expected. Its always good to have someone looking out for you and she's probably right about how I would handle it. So her fears go from me wanting to be more of a women to the change of life that may occur to our family and probably to my mental handling of it. But the good part is she does enjoy having a husband/girlfriend to spent time together and share things.
My wife sees it like this:
1, I might be gay.
2 What if the neighbours see me dressed.
3. I might want to hang out with drag queens!
I?m blessed with a supportive, helpful wife. Since the get-go, we?ve had many talks, but, sadly no progress as far as understanding my compulsive hobby. I?m always searching for some answers as to why. I don?t expect my wife to understand something I don?t understand. We have a great sense of humor. Her favorite is how I can?t wait to put on, with things she can?t wait to take off. True. We cleared up the gay, trans, issues. Fear of discovery is #1 with both of us. We live in a small, conservative, nosy town in which we?re both active. Yes, discovery would not be good. We occasionally take the risk to go out for drives, but fear an accident, police, flat tire, etc. Neither of us are comfortable. The pink fog can be ruthless.
I think some of the biggest concerns for many are
Competition. They believe they are not fulfilling the needs of their man and that he is in some way compensating for the way she doesn't look or the things she doesn't wear.
Thinking he's gay. They can't understand that a straight male would dress as a woman. They can only accept it if he is gay and wants the attention of a man when he's dressed this way.
Thinking he's not "normal". They can't accept that there is any reason for this other than his being mentally ill or being perverted.
It's understandable they would feel some of these things. After all it's been very difficult for most of us to begin to understand our feelings and our need to present as women. We can't expect they will understand when they have no experience with it and are typically introduced to it in the home in a shock fashion.
My wife's big fear is that the neighbors w ill see me. Other than that, she's ok with it.