Stand up, Be proud! Fight for your rights, take a stand.
It's way past time the CD community stood up and took responsibility for it's own acceptance. Not just piddly little university outreach here and there I'm talking major shit here.
I'm talking not hiding in the closets any more, whether personal ones, or larger ones.
I'm talking about not hiding from the SO's. It's frickin 2006 people and we've known for decades that hding is bad, but some of us still keep on doing it.
I'm talking about having enough pride to buy your makeup in the drugstores/chemist/M&S/Wal-Mart/Target/department stores like anyone else rather than paying a premium for overpriced stuff from some CD boutique. Same goes for clothing.
I'm talking about not making excuses while shopping or when someone asks why you shave your legs. No "it's for the wifey" no fake little shopping lists, no "I'm a bike rider"
I'm talking about being out in broad daylight rather than walking to the mailbox at midnight or just driving en femme without actually getting out of the car.
I'm talking about standing up against bigotry and standing up for yourself. If a group you're in is anti-TG, then for goddess sake quit and tell them why. If someone says a nasty slur, call them on it. If something gets printed in your local paper, write a rebuttal.
No ones going to hand you acceptance on a silver platter, you have to fight for it, work for it.
"But where I live (Texas/Arkansas/Rural Scotland) is full of rednecks and hooligans, Veronica"
Pooh on that, do something to change it. Stand together with likeminded people against them. Form alliances, speak out, embarass them, do whatever it takes to let them know that you will not tolerate bigotry. And no they won't beat you with a stick, that's hyperbole.
If there's not a group near you, form one. I'm trying to do that myself, it's hard, yes, but we have to do it.
And finally if someone asks you if you're a CD/TG, answer them simply and truthfully.
Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.
Yep, that's my name, it's pronounced Ron-duhl not Ron-dell.
The problem of getting together
I understand what you are saying Veronica and agree with you. There is just one problem here--people. I was a member of Renaissance but left after a few years as they were moving too slow for me. Most of them are content with having "tea parties", talking about wigs and makeup going to Southern Comfort and the whole "nine yards". A big thing where I'm from is the Pride Parade in Allentown PA coming up this month. Getting them to agree on something in principle is one thing, getting them to follow through is something entirely different. My home was open all Winter for any girls who wanted to visit, I got a total of 3 maybe. You have to realize that most people are dedicated to their familiy and when things come up, fail to that. I can't blame them really, frustration of not being able to be your femme self notwithstanding. I, like yourself , attempted to start a local group but the interest and committment just wasn't there. I really can't fault people for that as most are closeted anyway, I have to respect that in others, as I myself was basically closeted for 54 years. In my dotage(!), I finally got some gonads to just be myself but have learned rather sadly perhaps, I have to "fly" or "fall" on my own. What you say is attractive but really seemingly unattainable to most and a "dream" at best. I, personally, don't care what people think of me as I have to be myself. I do care about my family, however, and have to care about their feelings somewhat whether I like it or not. That doesn't mean I'm going back to the closet, no way! What is does mean is that I take things a day at a time. I've earned whatever freedom of expression I have as Ericka by myself. I paid for it with my sweat and tears and cherish it. From my perspective however, it seems to be an up hill battle and if you don't take the "bull by the horns" youself, no one is going to do it for you. I've learned the value of putting forth an effort but the committment needs to be put forth by each one individually, otherwise your triumph has no meaning and you are riding on the coattails of someone else's accomplishments. I'm really hoping things will turn around for the TG community and time will tell. Until that time, we have to make or break it on our own more or less. I love all my brothers and sisters on the forum here regardless. It makes things a little easier to "swallow" when you can talk to friends about things. Take care, Ericka
It's not about CD rights...
I think that people are not getting the bigger picture here.
This is not about rights for crossdressers - nor is it about rights for the Transgendered.
This is about the right for anyone to be who they are without the fear of persecution and ridicule. This is about the right to not be told who we are by those other than ourselves.
If you don't want to be out, then don't. But do not oppose those who are and want to be recognised for who we are, and not who others thing we should be.
Love & Stuff,
Donna
What if we have consciously decided it's not worth it?
Hi! First let me say I salute the girls here who have resolved to bring about an increased degree of acceptance for the CD/TS/TG community. I wish you all well in your endeavors, but I will not be joining you by outing myself fully and insisting that society take note.
First things first: In this matter I make an enormous distinction between a garden variety crossdresser (such as myself) and a TS/TG/fulltime CD. I understand perfectly that in the case of truly transgendered individuals, the right to determine your own gender identity should be an imperative. For such individuals I can see the parallels to the civil rights movement. Not necessarily so for "ordinary" crossdressers. As Erica my choice of attire and appearance is, of course, limited by social norms with which I do not agree, but for me this is not tantamount to society denying me a fundamental right!
Therefore, when I look at the risk/reward balance of insisting on social acceptance of my fem side, well to put it simply this is not the fight for me. Sorry to not be able to be of more overt assistance, and I trust that my occasional forays out and limited exposure to the non-CD world will help advance the cause of acceptance in a modest way.
A final word of suggestion: Our more activist friends might want to think through the implications of creating a "you're-with-us-or-against-us" mindset in relating to those of us who do not intend to leave our closeted existence behind. This thread began to develop a nasty tilt in that direction for a little while. The fact that we do not share your sense of urgency in bringing about social change, and may therefore not be prepared to risk jobs, marriages, family relationships and friendships, does not mean that we are cowards.
Final note: I for one absolutely do NOT believe that a cd, by virtue of remaining in the closet, hinders the advancement of social acceptance of crossdressers. By way of example, all of us here draw comfort, self-confidence and inspiration from this forum, which is largely comprised of closeted CDs!
I was going to say "Just my $0.02" but this turned out so long I'm gonna make it "$0.03". Or does the price go down the longer it gets - I can never remember....
Erica
a little tidbit from a gg
Well Veronica, as a SO of a CDer, I am ok with his CDing. However, we did talk about it, and there is no way that we want our children to be affected by her dressing in any way, shape, or form. If that means that he has to hide it forever, so be it. Our first concern is our children's happiness and thier wellbeing with piers. Someday is along time away, but, someday they can know, just not at the ages of 8, 5, and 4 years old. That is not fair to them. My SO also doesn't want anyone else to know. Maybe he is a hypocrit, but, we just worry about us, and not anyone else. Most times, if you try to push your views on someone else, it just comes back to bite you in the butt later. There is always going to be discrimination, no matter how hard the world trys to fight it. Gays have been trying to change outlook of the community for many many years, and there are still millions of people out in teh world who don't want to know, or see it. That is their own opinion. I think it is great for CDers to go out into public feeling comfortable with themselves, but in a high class town of 1200 people, that will never happen, at least in my lifetime. That's ok though. Part of the excitement is hiding it anyway! I love having our "closet" relationship that no one in the world knows about!
I am not trying to affend anyone, just telling you our view, that's it!
Act or Don't - but Please Respect our Values
Based on my personal experiences, Dawn's comments are fairly representative of the general attitudes I've encountered with regards to this topic. Given this, I'll reply to her posts, but my answers are not directed specifically to her. My answers are towards the general attitudes expressed therein.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dawn
What's with you and militancy? Do you ever smile and enjoy? Just chill girl and don't get your panties in a wad.
Why is wanting to make a difference and fighting for what is right always characterized as militancy? Why are people willing to speak up and support an issue characterized as militant?
Our panties are 'in a wad' because we are tired of being marginalized. We're tired of being told who we should be and how we should be it.
You say 'just chill'... Why? What will change/improve by sitting back and doing nothing?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dawn
I've learned a lot here about what others have to address in their lives. I'll admit at first I was kinda of intolerant because my life is different than many here, but I've learned and mellowed.
Which means what? How is your life that different? Are you somehow immune or insulated from the intolerance of society? And what have you learned that has allowed you to 'mellow'?
My life is 'different' as well from many here. I don't 'dress up' or try to pass as a girl. I identify as Genderqueer and don't consider myself as either a man or woman. I do crossdress insofar as I wear almost exclusively woman's clothing, but my presentation is more androgenous than feminine. I get looks and overhear the odd "What's that - a guy or a girl?" comment from people. I'm this way every day: home, work, whatever - not an hour here or there. This is my life all the time.
(Sorry, but this one is specifically for Dawn: about what were you intolerant?) The only intolerance I have is for intolerance itself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dawn
Do you have an SO? If so, have you made your stand?
I'll be married for 19 years this year (known my wife for 23 years) and have two daughters.
Have I made my stand? As I said, I'm me all the time. At home, at work, at school with the kids, out with friends. Has it been / is it easy? No, but then nothing of value ever is. My wife vacillates between acceptance / tolerance / anger and probably a bunch of other feelings for which we don't even have words. She gets that this is who I am and it's not going to go away. It's not perfect and at times it seems downright dysfunctional, but we make this work because we care for each other. My girls accept me for me and know that I'm not like all the other daddys.
Have I made my stand? I am 'out' at work - more by action than word. As far as I can tell, I'm the only openly 'Trans' person in our building - possibly the firm. I spoke with our HR dept and expressed my desire to follow the woman's dress code - business casual sans the skirt or dress (just not my thing). Their response was positive and so I do this with the support of my employer: a large NY based investment bank with offices worldwide. I didn't just 'show up in a dress', I did things from within the system and as a result, I make it easier for the next person to do so.
Have I made my stand? I am 'out' by word to many people in my life, several coworkers know my deal, as do my parents, some close friends and other individuals with whom I interact (hair stylist, salesgirls, etc.) If asked respectfully, I'll take the time to explain it to people who ask about me. Ignorant dolts, however, are politely invited to crawl off and fornicate with themselves. I'll not waste my time with people who haven't the capacity to learn.
Have I made my stand? Every day, people get to see - through me - that the lines between 'man' and 'woman' are not as neat and clean as they might like to believe. They get to see that we are not just the crazy trannies on the Jerry Springer show. They get to see and know that we are people with lives, jobs, families, hopes and aspirations - just like them.
Have I made my stand? I'd like to think I've at least taken a few steps in that direction.
Et tu?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dawn
Well,Veronica, you take the fight to the people. I support you marching right up to WalMart and Target and demanding your constitutional right to buy makeup.
NO MASCARA NO PEACE!
This is flat out patronizing (no surprise) and very typical. Sit back, chill and mellow all you would like. If this isn't something you deem as important, than continue doing exactly what you are doing. But do not make a mockery of someone elses convictions.
It wasn't until the gays got sick and tired of the crap that they were able to effect a change. Homosexuality used to be classified in the DSM as a mental disorder. ECT was considered an 'accepted' treatment for this 'disorder' in the misguided attempt to 'cure' them. Eventually, they organized themselves and started to raise public awareness about who and what they were. It became clear that these were not 'sick' people and that when given half a chance, they functioned as well as anyone else in society. So well, in fact, that homosexuality was removed from the DSM completely. To be homosexual no longer meant one was sick.
Had they sat back and chilled - remained silent and done nothing - homosexuality would still be a mental illness and the rights which they now have would have never been realized. Is their 'fight' over, not in the least - but they have made a very real and significant change to society.
Why are we worthy of less? Gender Identity Disorder is recognized as a mental disorder in the DSM-IV. Transvestic Fetishism (crossdressing) is classified as a paraphlia - a sexual deviation. Why are we content with this - to be seen as 'sick'?
We are fodder for the sensationalized daytime television 'talk' shows. Nighttime television usually portrays us negatively - typically as psychopaths of some sort. Ditto for Hollywood. Rare is the show where we are represented with respect and dignity.
And it is not just the transgendered who 'suffer' due to the oppressive gender system. Boys who are not the traditional 'rough and tumble' type become socially ostracized as 'sissys' and 'faggots'. Girls fair no better with impossible feminine standards as the norm and a system of enforcement where non-conformers become social pariahs. And bog help them if they actually are Transgender as it will take most a good 30+ years before they can admit to themselves who they are.
Again, why are we content to be marginalized?
Moreover, why are we content to allow anyone to be marginalized?
As I said in another post, it is not specifically about crossdressers or the transgendered. Almost everyone has felt the negative effects of the oppressive gender system at some point in their lives. Maybe we simply experience it to a larger degree, but the rigidity of the current socially defined gender roles is an issue that effects everyone.
Nobody is saying that you have to walk around and carry a banner - there are others who will do that. But at least stop hiding all the time. You don't have to come out to the world, but just try being honest about yourself - even if it's a little bit. The salesgirls do not care if the clothes or makeup are for you or not. So they know you wear panties? Big deal... What difference does it make? Do you think they're posting a news-flash somewhere? Do you really think you're the first to come in there to shop? Do you think you'll be the last?
Being out and about - doing your day-to-day life - can be enough to make a difference. It shows people that we exist, that we lead regular lives. It helps to challenge the assumptions and misconceptions that society has regarding 'gender variant' individuals.
Look, I completely get the POV of the CD-only contingent and I support your decisions with regards to what is right for you. But do realize that for those of us who in some way live this every day, to sit back and do nothing is simply not an option. We constantly butt up against this - it is a part of out daily lives. And like any group facing marginalization and intolerance, there comes a point when one can no longer continue to just 'take it'.
I agree with Erica vis fostering a "you're-with-us-or-against-us" mindset. We all need to do what is right for us. If not taking action - no matter how small that action might be - is right for you, great; but do not patronize and mock those of us who want to effect a change.
Love & Stuff,
Donna
