This is a piece that I wrote earlier this week for my blog and am cross-posting here because a few friends thought it might be of use to some of our members. I know a lot of you are well-versed in the art of communicating with your SOs and don't need any pointers, but for those who are struggling....well, there is nothing quite as effective as words that come from the heart.
[SIZE="3"]Tell it To My Heart: When Talking to Your SO, Focus on Feelings
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“When my husband Brad came out to me about his crossdressing, he must have given me a dozen reasons why I should accept it,” says Claire, a physician’s assistant in her mid-forties who has been married to Brad for ten years. “He talked about how men historically wore wigs and tights, and how prior to this century, little boys used to wear girls’ clothing up until the age of five. I remember him saying that women wear pants, so it should be okay for men to wear skirts too. I just sat there feeling numb. I couldn’t argue with his logic, but inside I was screaming: what is going to happen to our marriage?”
There are many excellent arguments that can be made in defense of crossdressing, and in the years I’ve spent getting to know crossdressers and their partners, I think I must have heard them all. What’s more, I agree with most of them: what rational person wouldn’t? Our culture’s taboos against male to female cross-gender expression make no sense at all when examined under the harsh light of reason. But regardless of how clever or persuasive these arguments might be, one thing is certain: playing the logic card is not likely to help you in your quest to gain acceptance from your significant other. Facts and evidence may win you points in a public debate, but in a relationship, it’s feelings that count.
For most women, finding out that their husband or boyfriend is a crossdresser is an emotional bombshell. Claire explains, “I was in shock. I felt bewildered, betrayed, frightened. Everything I thought I knew about my husband was suddenly in question. What I needed to know from him was what this meant for me, for us. Why did he feel the need to dress in women’s clothes? Was I not woman enough for him? Was he interested in men? Was he going to leave me? These were the questions I needed answered. Even now, years later, I still need reassurance sometimes.”
I think most crossdressers understand that their partners struggle with acceptance primarily on an emotional, rather than an intellectual, level. But some still make the mistake of thinking that if only they could somehow “prove” that what they do is perfectly normal and harmless, their wife or girlfriend would have to accept it. In fact, most women’s problems with crossdressing have nothing to do with the belief that it is “wrong.” Although some may voice religious or moral objections, their real concerns usually lie elsewhere. In order to help your partner resolve her emotional issues, you will need to find out what her specific fears are, and exactly what it is about your dressing that makes her uncomfortable.
It is never a good idea to try to “win” an argument with your partner, particularly when the emotional stakes are high. When there is conflict, both parties should focus on empathizing with the other and reaching a mutual understanding – not on proving who is right and who is wrong. And yet I still come across well meaning, but ultimately destructive advice like this on internet crossdressing forums:
EXAMPLES OF WHAT NOT TO SAY
"Remind your wife that you have no problem with her dressing as a guy! I'm sure your wife has no problem putting on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and probably doesn't give much thought to whether they are men’s. So why should she mind you wearing women’s things once in a while?"
"I'll bet your wife would have no problem seeing a man in a g-string at the local male strip club while out with her girlfriends. Have you ever heard her complain of the g-strings Tarzan and Hercules wore? A thong is a thong!"
"The Romans were wearing togas and the Scotsmen were wearing kilts long before modern women were wearing skirts. Has she ever seen Braveheart? How about Troy? Ask her why is it okay for Mel Gibson and Brad Pitt to wear skirts, but you can’t?"
"Tell her that many major sports stars shave their bodies. It is not unusual for a man to be hair-free these days."
"A lot of male pop stars wear makeup and feminine styles. Go through her music collection and show her how many of her favorite CDs have images of crossdressed men on the cover."
"Remind her that there are a lot of worse things you could be into – like gambling, drinking, or cheating on her. Maybe she will realize that she should be counting her blessings."
"Point out to her that in the animal kingdom, it’s the males who have the bright colors and fancy plumage to attract a mate. Why should it be any different for humans?"
By contrast, my advice is: ask her how she is feeling and what is making her feel that way, and go from there. Is she worried that the children will find out? Is she afraid that your job will be at risk? Is she feeling resentful about the time your crossdressing takes away from the family? Is she irritated that you buy more clothes than she does? Is she finding it hard to relate to you when you’re in girl mode? Is she feeling threatened by the fact that you chat to other T-girls online? Is she concerned that you might want to start taking hormones or feminizing your body?
If you approach the subject like a debate, you will never encourage her to open up about what’s really bothering her; but once you start discussing the root cause of her feelings about your dressing, you can work on finding a solution together. Logical arguments have their place, but when it comes to healing a rift in your relationship, there is no substitute for a heart-to-heart talk.
© 2006 Marla Morley
