This Could Be The End Of Vicky Lee

hi girls
i am in two minds of what to do ive got a chance to get back with my wife after six months separated.
allthough i still love my wife she has said i will have to give up and stop my
cding .her saying is "i hate it make ur choice" i know i couldnt stop and if i did
i just know it will be back at some point.
i am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
if you have any suggestion or a simular situation that you was in, what did you do.?
vicky as only come out of the closet in the last severn weeks
is there a way round this so we can both get what we want?
thanks for lisening hug to you all vicky lee

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Originally Posted by vicky lee

i know i couldnt stop and if i did
i just know it will be back at some point.

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Hiya.

I really wish you could have both but it sounds like that is not possible so you must choose the best for you and nobody else.

I have never been in the position you are in but the part of your post above was the thing that stood out to me instantly. She has given you a ultimatum, her or your dressing and to be honest the above statement you made really answers your question and I think you know deep down that is the case.

I wish you all the best for the future.

From one Vicky to another.

Hi Vicky Lee,

It is always very difficult in such situation to help someone from a distance.

I don't have an advice to give you, as every ones's situation is always unique. All I can do is share my experience, hopping that some of it might be somewhat useful...

My wife doesn't like my X-dressing either. She threatened me of a divorce too. We had quite a severe crisis last month. We finally managed to talk over the matter of my x-dressing as well as about other subjects that were also endengering our couple... Things are never that simple as to have a single cause...

As a result of our long talks, we came to an aggreement that is not too bad for her and acceptable for me. It started by the evidence that stopping to x-dress was beyond my reach... But that she knew already and said that she's never asked me to completely stop. It was my ovewhelming fascination with x-dressing that bothered her most.

The compromise we reached over that x-dressing matter is that it will be OK for me to X-dress but that I will have to avoid to be "en femme" at any time when she's around, be a lot less on CD forums, be a lot more present at home for family and house related matters. I will avoid going out "en femme" in our home town. It is alright though if I go out when far away from our area. I will avoid mentionning the subject in our conversations, unless it is necessary in order not to lie to my wife, for example if I go to a meeting with other CDs.

This has worked rather well. My wife is now a lot less stressed by my x-dressing as I pay a lot more attention to her feelings. She even mentionned it on her own and not in a negative way anymore.

I hope that this will help...
:hugs:
Eugenie

Maybe, if both of you really want to save your marriage, the two of you should try some kind of counseling. both separately and, more importantly, together. That way, maybe both of you will learn to see the other side and reach some kind of compromise. As someone who has been married 30 years now, I can say that marriage is a series of compromises.

Ultimatums are never the foundation of a good relationship.

Karen

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Eugenie

Hi Vicky Lee,

It is always very difficult in such situation to help someone from a distance.

I don't have an advice to give you, as every ones's situation is always unique. All I can do is share my experience, hopping that some of it might be somewhat useful...

Eugenie

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Sorry to quote my own post, but I'd like to add a point to my comments, eventhough I said that I wuold not give an advice, here is a remark that is pretty close to an advice... Had I known what I know now about X-dressing when I was younger, I would most likely have made the choice of separating from my wife then. It may have been hard on both of us, but it would have given her a chance to start another life. Now that she is 58 years old, she wouldn't be able to start another life. We discussed the point and she said exactly the same thing <<It would have been easier if you had decoded to live full time "en femme" thirty years ago... I could have started a new life...>>
Right now we both agree that such a change in life wouldn't bring any of us anymore happyness...
So if you're still young enough you might take this into consideration...
:hugs:
Eugenie

Only if you want to lie to her I think if you go back you will have to stop dressing.
Question is wich do you love more only you can know that good luck hun :hugs:
Angie

You sure have been given some good advice, it seems to me that you and your wife are at opposite ends of this situation. I would like to think that with good communication, a compromise may be possible. There is always hope if the lines of communication are open. Counseling is certainly an option, sometimes a third party can help move your marriage in a new direction. All my best in a positive result for you.

:2c: Does she still believe CDing is just a fetish? If so, and she's willing, more education is needed. Might I suggest a trip to a marriage counselor together before deciding? As you know, most counselors do not see CDing as something that will go away and perhaps the 3rd party input will help her understand how much it means to you. At least you both can then make an informed decision. Good luck!

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Originally Posted by Tree GG

:2c: Does she still believe CDing is just a fetish? If so, and she's willing, more education is needed. Might I suggest a trip to a marriage counselor together before deciding? As you know, most counselors do not see CDing as something that will go away and perhaps the 3rd party input will help her understand how much it means to you. At least you both can then make an informed decision. Good luck!

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Although I agree with Tree's opinion, I still wonder.

Why is it, that the TG person, always has to be the one to sacrafice?

After reading hundreds of posts, it's always, the SO, will not accept, dosen't want to see, will not tolerate and the CD must, give up, curtail, obey the rules set down by the SO.

I'm sorry, but I don't think any of this behavior is good for any relationship. Thus, it's my opinion that each of you, should seek out someone, who loves you, for who yor are. Not what they want you to be.

Been there done that......14 months trying to be what I'm not for HER sake. Finally said enough is enough.

I'm very happy now....without her.


Emily Ann

vicky good luck on this but i was in a similiar situation a year ago so here is what i did... well i came home to an empty home and a letter explianing jess was the reason and i could be jess all i wanted now.. well i got upset and was willing to agree to anything to have my wife and kid home again.. well i was smart enough to get one provision into the "deal" that was if she could see that killing jess off affected me to much we would revisit our agreement. well i actually made it through five months but that was the end of it i could not stand it anymore and believe it or not she agreed i was a mess.. so i got a few new items that are out of site and out of mind and i get a few hours a week for "myself". she does not like this but she love me enough to realize it does not take my whole life up.. just make sure you S/o knows she comes before vicky and maybe she will look at things a little different... good luck

Big Hugs !!
Jessica

From my experience, if she truly loves you she will accept you unconditionally. Besides It's not like your doing drugs or dealing dope. Also there are a significant numbers of women who would support you. The sea is vast.

What you describe is a classic "no win" situation - To be honest about it, your need to CD isn't going to disappear and from the sound of things her attitude towards it is going to be difficult at best to change. The only advice I can give that makes any sense is to try going to a good therapist that specializes in gender issues/couples counseling and work things out in your own mind first. Once you have worked out in your own mind who and what you are and come to terms with it, you may be able to get her to agree to either joint sessions or sessions for her to work out her feelings on the issue. If you can get that far then setting some reasonable rules/boundaries that you can both live with may be possible - but if she refuses to change her position your marriage may not be salvageable. Face it - for a marriage to work it has to be a two way street with some give and take on both sides. The one thing you should avoid at all costs is trying to hide from the issue because if you do you will find yourself CD'ing in secret in the future with even more pain/problems when she finds out. Good luck kid and hang in there. Let us know how you come out. :2c:

My advice is once ultimatums are given its really too late for any hope of rekindling the relationship---like someone above said a relationship based on an ultimatum is not likely to work.

Well, I'd say, no don't give it up just to go back with your wife.
I don't think that ever works well.
You'll regret, be angry over your choice.
Or, you'll be tempted to go back to dressing only threatening the marriage once more.
Ideally, she has to accept you on some level. I think for unaccepting partners a minimum compromise is dress but not around me and I don't want to participate. That seems fair.
G'luck
Kew

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Brianna Lovely

Although I agree with Tree's opinion, I still wonder.

Why is it, that the TG person, always has to be the one to sacrafice?

After reading hundreds of posts, it's always, the SO, will not accept, dosen't want to see, will not tolerate and the CD must, give up, curtail, obey the rules set down by the SO.

I'm sorry, but I don't think any of this behavior is good for any relationship. Thus, it's my opinion that each of you, should seek out someone, who loves you, for who yor are. Not what they want you to be.

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It is because YOU are bringing something to the relationship that she finds intolerable, scary, weird............fill in the blank.
What if she wanted to dress as a baby and act like a baby--would that be okay for you?
Or, what if she wanted to dress like a man and act like a man. Wear men's clothes (yea yea, I know some thing we already do), stop shaving, stop wearing makeup, cut her hair short, walk like a man, try and talk like a man.
Kew

Vicky I was in the same spot you are in now. The ex gave me that same ultimatum my life or her. I turned her down as i knew that what i am is what i will be the rest of my life and this would not be good for either of us. we have gone our seperate ways now but we have become good friends. I wish you well but remember you are who you are and nothing and i mean nothing can change that.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KewTnCurvy GG

Wear men's clothes (yea yea, I know some thing we already do), stop shaving, stop wearing makeup, cut her hair short, walk like a man, try and talk like a man.
Kew

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Gee, Kewt, aren't you describing the average woman, today? Giggle.

Ultimatum is not a fair negotiating tactic. The only recourse to such self-centered tactics--once you have explained yourself--is subtrifuge. Kew is right...find a new hiding place, buy a new outfit, and keep everything out of sight. If she wants to pretend you are not a crossdresser--let her.

I do not think you should agree to something that most likely will not be possible( you stopping) then later ...... hiding and lying about it will make it even worse. I like what Tree advised you to do.You need to speak up and try to make her understand ....it is a part of you. A friend of mine and his wife found a solution that works for them....she has time to dress once a month..while the family goes on an outing...the wife calls when they are enroute home. That is what they worked out between them...works for them. Find what works for THE TWO of you.

Tough choice to make. Despite a few on this board, who say their SOs or wives are OK with it, most aren't. Crossdressing and marriage don't mix. And lets face it. If your wife was dressing as a man, and had a mans haircut, and hairy legs, how would you feel? Women consider CDing as a threat, and most don't know how, or want to deal with it. Most women want you to be entirely dependent on them for sex, and CDing gives you another outlet, and diminishes their leverage.
Cding is a lifelong thing, or adventure. If you give in to her demands, you will face a lifetime of repressed urges, frustration, emotional distress, and perhaps a heart attack or stroke, from the stress.
Now if you will PM Dr Melinda, with your address, I will send you my bill. :D

thanks to everyone that replyed . we will try to work something out if humanily
possible you have gave me some idears to take to her we will see ill let you all know how i get on.
but want to tell you this at first she used to buy me clothes to put on skirts bras panties etc. this was in the early part of our marrage.
but now the chance of getting back together comes the "i hate it make ur choice
my first wife was differant again but found out to late
hugs vicky

Your wife sounds even more intolerant than my wife was, and we eventually separated because of my transgender issues. Unless you have a secret cure for crossdressing that we don't know about, it may be time for you to be completely frank with her about what your needs are. She will either accept and accommodate your crossdressing or she won't. That's her decision, not yours.

Nobody's to blame for this. Her reaction is understandable, because she didn't bargain for this. On the other hand, you are what you are. You must be true to yourself, or else you will both be miserable together. The situation is agonizing enough without letting her make you feel guilty and beating yourself up about it.

I suggest that you find a good therapist in an attempt to understand your need for crossdressing and see whether it can either be resolved somehow (only you can determine if this is possible) or managed through some kind of compromise arrangement that your wife can tolerate.

Theoretically, your wife should also get counseling to understand and manage her negative reaction to your crossdressing. However, from my own experience and what I've read, most wives reject the idea that they have any responsibility to be understanding. If that's the case, you might as well accept the fact that your marriage is doomed, and move on while you still have a life to live.

Best of luck,
Maggie

It would appear that the ultimatum is an attempt to control. This is lousy in any relationship. She may "hate" the CDing but if getting together again is conditional, then one has to assume so is the love.

I would walk away since you are already separated. Just my feelings but in the end; your choice. Please make it a GOOD choice for your own sanity and mental health.

Good luck

:hugs:
Kimberley

Quote:

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Originally Posted by vicky lee

hi girls
i am in two minds of what to do ive got a chance to get back with my wife after six months separated.
allthough i still love my wife she has said i will have to give up and stop my
cding .her saying is "i hate it make ur choice" i know i couldnt stop and if i did
i just know it will be back at some point.
i am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
if you have any suggestion or a simular situation that you was in, what did you do.?
vicky as only come out of the closet in the last severn weeks
is there a way round this so we can both get what we want?
thanks for lisening hug to you all vicky lee

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Do not destroy yourself to satisfy someones ultimatum.

You need to do what is right for you! I think if it where me I would explain how you feel and that you know if you gave it up now you would be back to dressing in the future, and if you did go back to dressing would she want to know. If she can not accept it I think I would lean toward not going back. If you do go back and you are anything like me you will have to go back to dressing. Maybe you can just do it on the side and she doen't have to know? It is a tough place to be in. All I can really do is wish you well! Wanda

Ultimatums do not work. She is asking you to give up a part of yourself - your need to express you femininity through clothing. That need will not go away. In 1979 my ex wife told me that she would get a divorce unless I gave up dressing permanently. She got the divorce and one year later I married the most accepting and supportive wife in the world. Now if I would have agreed to her ultimatum, how would my life be 26 years later - hell on earth.

I am probably echoing the other girls here but I have to say that if she refuses to back down on this ultimatim, and you decide that you want to be with her and give up CDing, it will only lead to resentment. She might think all is well and that she "cured" you but over time the wedge will be driven in deeper and deeper. Resentment will lead to hatred in short order.

If she can compromise, then it might be worth it. But if I were in your place, I would consider it like this- Does she love me because of the person I am, or because I do as she demands?

Sabrina

I know exactly how you feel. My wife totaly hates my x-dressing. Early in our marriage I was able to wear panties and pantyhose all the time but as she had found out about Jennifer last August days and nights is very cold in our home if you get what I mean. I gave it up for about 4 months but in December all the feelings came back and in a big way, So I bought a couple of outfits and found a new hiding spot and dressed when I could. About two weeks ago she found a receipt in my wallet for a blouse I had bought and she was MAD!!!! and then some how she found my new stash, now most of it is gone in the trash. She told me its my choice dressing or marriage so I feel for you in a big way I know how you feel.

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About two weeks ago she found a receipt in my wallet for a blouse I had bought and she was MAD!!!! and then some how she found my new stash, now most of it is gone in the trash.

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Talk about a double standard! Can you imagine the outrage and indignation, if you had found a receipt for something in her purse, and confronted her with it. The whole neighborhood would have heard her screaming "How dare you"!
And where does she get off, throwing your stuff in the trash.

i also had the ultimatium. the choice of her over cd'ing was hard but it lasted almost three years before I started again. aonce more the ultimatium but after starting HRT. This time i stayed true to myself. It has been extremely hard but with the help of my therapist I am making progress. Vicky ,only you can make the decision on how to respond to her. I hope that whatever you decide will be right for you .Good luck in all things

hugs and kisses

Danni

Quote:

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Originally Posted by vicky lee

hi girls
i am in two minds of what to do ive got a chance to get back with my wife after six months separated.
allthough i still love my wife she has said i will have to give up and stop my
cding .her saying is "i hate it make ur choice" i know i couldnt stop and if i did
i just know it will be back at some point.
i am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
if you have any suggestion or a simular situation that you was in, what did you do.?
vicky as only come out of the closet in the last severn weeks
is there a way round this so we can both get what we want?
thanks for lisening hug to you all vicky lee

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well in my position i have been a cder for over 40 years my x-wife didnt mind now after a divorce for other reasons and having to find another g/f most i talked to didnt like me cding so for me it is this way if a female cant tolerate it and help me then i wont go out with her or her go out with me sorry to all the gals out there but if they dont understand us then they all suck thanks GLENDA:love:

My wife found out and does not accept it and I know that she is the most important person in my life and that i would not want to live apart from her or indeed the rest of my family.

My compromise is to go into the closet. I keep a suitcase of clothes in the attic for the odd occasion I am in the house on my own for a few days or alternatively I am away for a couple of days on business. I have a stache of lingerie in the back of my clothes cupboard, of which I suspect my wife is aware of but it is never mentioned and, more often than not, I wear these items under my male clothes.

It is not an easy compromise but my marriage is definitely more important.

You have to make your own choice. Keep the dialougue open maybe some understanding will take root.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by vicky lee

hi girls
i am in two minds of what to do ive got a chance to get back with my wife after six months separated.
allthough i still love my wife she has said i will have to give up and stop my
cding .her saying is "i hate it make ur choice" i know i couldnt stop and if i did
i just know it will be back at some point.
i am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
if you have any suggestion or a simular situation that you was in, what did you do.?
vicky as only come out of the closet in the last severn weeks
is there a way round this so we can both get what we want?
thanks for lisening hug to you all vicky lee

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Giving up a important part of yourself is never a good idea - here you have open up a big part of your life to someone you love- part of what make you you - I sure you open youself up to her because it was eating at you, keeping it hidden and you wanted to be closer to her - but she can't see that she is probably having an identy crisies ( why would I be attractive to someone who want to be a girl - Does that make me a lesbien) and You are probably thinking if someone who I know love me can't accept this about me, how can I ever find somebody to love me and my crossdressing

There are other people who will love you, just be upfront about it and tell them this is me and this is who you will have to fall in love with, if you want to be with me, I am not going to change - it may take you some time to find that person but you will find them you just have to make the effort

Karen