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How many have isolated themselves from the outside world so that they can dress and be themselves when not in public. For me I go to work and then come home where I usually stay there until it's time to work again. When at home I dress in woman’s clothes and stay that way until it's time to work again. I would prefer that nobody comes over so I'm not criticized about what I enjoy doing. I do go out but don't socialize because I don't want anybody getting close to me. Who else is in my heels?
If it wasn’t for my wife I probably stay indoors lock away. But when she gets home from work she tells me to get dress and put on my makeup and we will go out to dinner, to the mall or show. She knows that it makes me feel good about myself and like to see people guessing while we are out. For me people have been more understanding than I ever taught.
Good Luck
Ray Ann
I have been known to shut myself away at times. Last summer I hardly golfed at all because I didn't want to damage my nails or get suntanned in a "golfers" pattern. But I enjoyed my summer to myself and have no regrets.
That's scary, Michelle. I feel exactly the same way.Quote:
Originally Posted by michelleupnorth
I'm pretty much there now, that's why I'm forcing myself to go to TGirls in Philly. I'm sick of putting up this facade of being ashamed of who I am. There's no need to be ashamed anymore; it's why I joined this lovely family of mine :hugs:
It may be a slow process to ditch this horrible feeling, but a slow process is better than no process.
:Punch:
I really dont understand your point .
You say that you want to be fem at home but male at work and you cannot go uot because you want to be fem. Hmmmm either be fem all the time or hey here is an idea go out as a guy !!!!!.
You cannot lock yourself off on a whim either you are serious ie TS in which case you have to live full time or you are full time closet CD which quite frankly is wierd
I think that if I didn't have a job in a male dominated industry (military) I would go as a woman. I hear jokes and comments all day long about gays, how women should be in the kitchen, sex change operations, etc. In 6 months I'm done and moving away from here and plan on being Michelle full-time, but for right now this is how I must liveQuote:
Originally Posted by Toyah
Yea I was there...
You go to work to earn the money to buy the food to get the strength to go to work to earn the money to buy the food to get the strength....
But..... There is always time to play!
:hugs:
No I go out meet with friends staying home is not healthy. Sometimes I go male if thats what is calls for but most of time it is en femme. I talk with people and interact with them. If you want to dress as female then you have to act like one and go do things like a female. Nobody cares what you have on if you act nice and are friendly.
The opposite for me: I was living a very isolated life, with the only people I was getting close to being ones who never had time to socialize. Somehow, though, when I crossdress or when I'm doing something related to crossdressing (such as shopping in drab), I find I am much more open to people, and I am meeting many more people, some of whom don't hesitate to introduce me as a "friend" of theirs. I know more people now who are glad to see me in the 2 1/2 years I've been dressing, than I met in the decade prior to starting.Quote:
Originally Posted by michelleupnorth
My male life pretty much got locked in to not talking to people. My crossdressing life "has permission" to talk to people and get to know them.
You may have heard of people who turn to crossdressing for "escapism". It wouldn't be entirely inaccurate to say that I'm one of them, escaping from my isolation, becoming another person in order to be able to gain the human interaction that I need. Though it would definitely not be accurate to say that's why I do it -- I'm sitting here in a colourful blouse and skirt combo, and I'm loving it. I "gender bend" a lot and don't much care if I'm read, and I know that I'm read often when I'm fully dressed. But I'm enjoying myself, in public -- and people are reacting to my increased peace and smiles by deciding that I'm an interesting person to be around.
I don't lock my feminine qualities behind closed doors and get more isolated from people because of it, not wanting to let them get close and find out about me: I let my feminine aspects out and be seen and it's brought me closer to a wide variety of people I would never have met otherwise.
Two nights in a row now, I've been dropped off in front of my house when I was in full femme -- a green dress yesterday and a multicoloured top and skirt today. And I didn't worry about whether the neighbours might see. I am absolutely completely sure that my immediate next door neighbour has seen me in a dress -- I walked several blocks beside them, talking to them fully dressed and making no effort to hide at all, and we talked about it briefly. They thought it was "cool".
Fear can be pretty powerful indeed, but the fear can sometimes be more harmful than the event itself. I easily survived being laughed at and jeered at: it was just words, sounds in the air that are soon gone except to the extent that you allow the memory of the words to affect you.
I think that "isolating yourself", under ANY conditions is probably not beneficial.
Unless your intent is to go 24/7 and live as a woman, I would imagine that emotionally and psychologically it would be better to find some balance. Especially when CD is new, or just coming out, we get into a "Pink haze" and it's all we want to do.
Please try to force yourself to interact with others. After awhile, if you don't deal with people in a social setting, you often can forget how to do that. The end result often becomes an escalation of the same behavior, you turn yourself into a recluse and a social pariah.
I can't make you do this, I can only give you my advise and opinion, but I think a lot of people would agree. If nothing else, socialize while dressed! Join a support group, go to CD friendly clubs, and start including the rest of The World in your life. Nurture both of your persona's, bet you'll be a happier person!
Peace and Love, Joanie
Sorry, I don't mean to hijack the thread, but this topic is important.
I see that you are in Canada. Grab any person who has been granted supervisory responsibilities over anyone else, and tell them that the jokes and sexist comments are making you feel uncomfortable and that you want it to stop. That supervisor must take action, personally, and must ensure that the matter is dealt with.Quote:
Originally Posted by michelleupnorth
Canada Human Rights Act: every supervisor who becomes aware of (by direct experience or by report from any non-supervisory personnel) and fails to take action to stop workplace incidents of discrimination based upon any of the Charter forbidden discrimination grounds, is personally liable, and may be subject to fines up to $500,000 (going by memory) and jail terms up to five years, even if that supervisor is not in the supervisory line for any of the participants. Ethnic and sexist jokes are definitely prohibitted.
The law is deliberately designed to invalidate any claims of "Yeah, I heard about that, but it wasn't my people involved so it wasn't my responsibility to do anything." Every supervisor is responsible for every incident of discrimination that they become aware of. As far as the law is concerned, for a supervisor to know of the incident and to do nothing is the same as the supervisor condoning the incident: the inactive supervisor is deemed an accomplice to the continuation of the discrimination. And that's personal liability. Any military order for a supervisor to ignore illegal discrimination would be an unlawful order [as best I understand.]
It doesn't matter if you aren't the target of the jokes: if you are made uncomfortable by the jokes, you have the right under the Canada Human Rights Act to insist that the jokes be stopped. The existance of the ethnic or sexual discrimination is considered offensive by itself under the CHRA.
When I was trained as a supervisor in the Canadian Government, the trainers made it absolutely clear: if you are a supervisor and you know of illegal discrimination, take action As Soon As Possible (and document it), no matter who is involved, because if you know and don't act, you will be held individually responsible. The organization will be held responsible too, but it is individuals that get sent to jail. And the trainers emphasized that any person (employee, contractor, guest, spouse -- anyone!) has the right to complain to any supervisor and that is sufficient to consider the entire organization to be officially notified.
:GE: i stay home alot and dress as often as i can.
i do go out for a drive once and awhile, but thats about it.
would love to find another to go out with and get and ego boost :ge:
but at least i'm trying to over come my worries
I hadn't thought about it but you are right Michelle. I have pretty much done the same thing. I guess I did it without conscious thought. Maybe just a self defense reaction.
Hi. Michelle:
Lovely name, BTW...lol
I totally understand what you are saying. Personally, I have long believed that perhaps the single biggest draw-back to being a crossdresser is the feeling of isolation. Crossdressing can make a person feel very lonely. For me, the key has been to accept my femme self and get comfortable with her. (Not impossible, but definitely easier said than done.) I suppose there are some who would contend that I live a dysfunctional life. I disagree. Also, as I read in at least one other reply to your post, another very important lesson for me has been to learn that there is a difference between feeling embarrassed and feeling ashamed. Being Michelle can (and does) cause a bit of embarrassement, but I am NEVER ashamed of being Michelle.
Anyway, these are a couple of things that have helped me break through the lonlieness barrier in my own life...maybe they'll help you, too.
Hang in there and keep your head up.
Michelle
Nicely said however, I wish it was that simple. Even though we have briefings on this subject and that it won't be tolerated it is a place where most of the people I work with or beside are of a higher rank than me. I've heard it from the Rank of Major and down. Now how could I possibly feel comfortable or even safe working in an environment where I just brought down most of the chain of comd.? My life would be more of a hell. I think that I just finish my 6 month contract and get out then. Like they say let sleeping giants lay.Quote:
Originally Posted by tess-leigh
yup me too:sad:
I have found myself to be isolated for several reasons, the shift I work being almost as big a reason as any other. I'm working when everyone else is socializing so that's been a problem for more than 10 years. It's something I've just come to accept. I don't like unannounced visitors at my house because I usually dress as Amber when at home, especially on the weekends. I'm not ready to shock everybody just yet. I partially dress around my wife all the time, that's never been a problem for us. I'm trying to branch out and make some friends in the CD/TG community but I live in an area that requires travel to get to any place where I can meet people like me, the closest being about an hour and a half away. Still, I have to make the effort,for my own sanity.
Quote:
Originally Posted by michelleupnorth
Ok I see now, I have known a couple of TS girls and have chatted to one on Yahoo at length on this sort of thing. She is beautiful, successful and intelligent and has gone through exactly what you have except that she decided that she HAD to make a life for herself.
I do think as well that you must take up tiny parts of life and make them into one really bad whole, I have been in the military and yes what you say does go on but only a tiny fraction of the time.
Its up to you hunny but locking yourself in your room is not going to solve any problems and to me it sounds like you are creating a whole load more if you want to live full time.
Take it slowly but you must get out into the world, hiding does not work trust me I tried that.
for us, besides one friend we have no friends lol. plus being the fact that we are a computer geek does not help. *^_^* Our life is Work,sleep,school,computers,gun range. and on the weekends off to see our only friend :\ sad but beyond the lack of money. we Enjoy it for now.
hopes to you all
Keris
I think I know exactly how you feel Michelle. I'm the same way. My life feels very cyclical in the fact that the past several years have been split between being in some great relationships and being alone. I get to the point where I think I want - and can handle - a relationship, but my CD desires always win out and I end the relationships so I can spend my time alone living en femme behind closed doors. I know that I'm headed down a path to living 24/7 as a woman, but I'm just not there yet. I think it will come down to moving to a new city and starting completely over. I realize this probably means giving up all my friends who know me as a man. I know that is what it will take and I know that is ultimately what I really want, but I know I'm not quite ready for that yet.
I agree with Joanie, I think isolation is bad. I refuse to pass up social interaction to stay home and dress. No offense, but it scares me to death to think that I might become that person. Clothing could never substitute human interaction in my life. I think all of us have been a little isolated because of dressing but I personally hate it. It's not worth it to me. I have only passed up social activities to stay home and dress a few times and I have usually regretted it.
I do have a pretty small circle of guy friends and have passed a few times on joining in on some events because I had been planing on getting in some Cindy time. This doesnt bother me realy because sometimes my girl time is kinda rare for no real reason, and when I have that urge its not the time to ask me to go fishing LOL.
Maybe I am at a stage where the balance of girl to guy time is ok ,(been working up to this point a long time) or maybe Im just getting old , but I think my time out with the guys out numbers my time with the girls 10 to 1.
I also happen to be a early to rise and early to bed person during the week so my friends know not to drop by late, that allows me to relax in something comfy in the evenings , often no makeup etc.
So nope, I dont shut myself in (normaly) just to dress,,but yes I could use more time out with the girls !!
Cindy
If I were to live as a woman (and I do not feel that I am headed that way), then I believe some of my high school friends wouldn't have a problem with that, and I think some of them would feel uncomfortable with it. But I moved away from there 15 years ago and we haen't exactly been in close touch. Switching while staying in the same job would be... interesting.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel75
You know, it's odd -- one of the factors in falling relatively out of touch with my friends "back home" is that I'm known for having a boring life, and that "not much of interest ever happens to me". If only they knew, eh? :)
But dressing has not come between me and my old friends: I moved long before I realized that I liked to dress. And they've gone and drifted apart without me there holding the group together.
All of which is leading to the question: are you sure you'd have to give up all your existing friends? Would they all reject you? Or is it the "loose lips" factor that you are concerned about: that is, if you stay in touch with some of them, then eventually they would accidently mention you to some of your less understanding friends and then the gossip starts?
That is an interesting question. I guess it's not so much that I'd want to totally give up all my friends as in have them dissapear from my life forever. I guess I just think that in order to start over 24/7, I'd want a fresh start somewhere else. I'd hope that I'd eventually get to a point where I could tell my friends and then it would be up to them to accept that fact or not. But I think it would be too hard to do while I was still around them. I think I'd just need to be in a mindset that "hey, this is me now and this is my new life" and not just spring it on a bunch of friends one day out of the blue. Perhaps it is because I'm afraid of acceptance, but in the end, I really just need to do it for me and not have to worry that people who have known me for years think I've turned "weird" and am going through some sort of phase. Hopefully that makes sense.Quote:
Originally Posted by tess-leigh
Was that "afraid of acceptance" or "afraid of rejection"?Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel75
I suspect that part of the time, we worry that no-one will notice the difference! ("Dude, there's something different about you these days! Hmmmm -- I know! You never used to drink Miller Lite before!")
Hi Michelle
I'm going through isolation, too. I don't think it's healthy but I know that it's what I need right now. There does come a time in some people's lives when this really is the best thing for them -- as long as they're making progress while they're doing that (and I am; I'm seeing a specialist therapist to help me unravel myself). It sounds to me as though you know what you're going to do in a few months, so I say go right ahead and be isolated until then.
I am very suprirsed to hear people downplaying the things that are said in the military and the things that are done. We're all aware of the "don't ask don't tell" policy for homosexuals? Of course, that doesn't apply to us necessarily, but it absolutely does go to show how close-minded the military can be. Frankly, I seriously doubt that the bias is only present a fraction of the time. It may only be apparent a fraction of the time but my guess is that it is always present. The military (at least in the USA) is notoriously testosterone-ridden and they say (or at least imply) that anything not in line with that "compromises the cohesiveness of the unit".
May I point out something else? I am very happy for those people who have an easy time with simply doing what they want and not worrying about others (in fact I envy you rather intensely :heehee: ) but it is very important to understand that it is not always that easy for other people. The reasons may be logistical, political, bureaucratic, personal or emotional, but everyone has a different experience.
Michelle, I hope you will do whatever you need to and not let anyone else tell you otherwise. I, for one, support you. These things simply are not always a matter of making a decision and going with it. There are consequences and, in my case, family to think about (since I'm living with my family).
PS, Michelle -- and I'm sure others will say they are in the military or know better than I, and perhaps they're right, but -- my father was in the Marines for several years and what you've said certainly rings the bell of truth for me.
Best of luck to you, Michelle.
Hugs,
Lisa
As far as I recall, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is not a policy of the Canadian military, which is where Michelle happens to be. (All that Rights stuff I posted was specific to Canada.)Quote:
Originally Posted by lisameaghan
If I had my choice, I would come home from work and dress up, stay that way until I went back to work. I don't have that choice, so I make the best of it. What else can one do? It seems rather simple, really.
I truly do have this opportunity, and since I am "lazy" (I'm an engineer, c'mon.. the whole proefession was predicated on the phrase "there HAS to be an EASIER way to do this), I don't dress en femme as often as you might think. It is a lot of work. The shaving, the skin treatments, the make-up.. it takes me about 1.5hrs to get en femme, and it ALWAYS starts with 1 pair of panites!Quote:
Originally Posted by michelleupnorth
But still... I have the luxury of dressing up en femme whenever I feel the "urge". Matter of fact earlier today (Sat) I bought a home ear piercing kit , and am now the proud owner of 2 stainless steel studs (1 per ear lobe).
Denied
When I started allowing myself more time for dressing it really started to have a negative impact on my life. I would turn down invitations to go out. I wouldn't even leave the house to go to the corner market. Errands that needed to be completed went undone. I didn't mind. There was nothing I wanted more than a little "alone" time to indulge in something "I" wanted to do.
I finally reached the point where I started questioning why I felt that way. Why should I care if someone I don't know sees me dressed as a woman? What possible difference can it make? Why can't I go to the store when dressed? Are they going to stop me at the door? It is not like no one knew I was a crossdresser. Friends had either seen or heard about me.
So I started doing the things that needed to be done. Need groceries? Go to the store. Hardly anyone noticed me anyway. A girlfriend wanted me to go to the store with her? "OK, but I'm dressed." "That's OK. Can we have lunch too?" Trash day? I can't wait until next week. Take out the trash.
My neighbors and friends don't really mind. Sometimes it is not appropriate. No problem, go in guy mode. But if it doesn't matter.......well, it doesn't matter.
[SIZE="3"]Yes Michelle,
The extent of my going out to socialize is mostly work related interaction with people. I live in a very small and somewhat Isolated town. I was reciently divorced and most of my past freindships were mutual couple relationships. I was never a hang out with the guys and do guy things kind of person. With the stresses of work and the fear of over exposure in a small town, where there are many who I do not want to discover my dressing, I can't wait to get home get cleaned up and slip into my PJs or nighty and relax in private. I usually wake at around 3:00 am and take the opportunity to completely dress everyday untill I have to go to work again.
I love my girl side and give her as much time as I can. I have the support of my SO but she lives 2500 miles away. I don't want to really get involved in any relationships because the whole CD issue becomes unmanageable. I'm certainly not going to get together with the guys and paint nails or talk make up. I don't play hockey! I see a life change coming in my not to distant future because I want the freedom to live as I want and Isolation is not the answer.[/SIZE]
[SIZE="3"]Jennifer:happy:[/SIZE]
Hi Michelle... just to let you know that I did 20yrs, 6mths, 21days, but who's counting. The time you have left will go fast and then you'll be free to follow your heart. Hang on a little bit more. What we enjoy is not bad, just misunderstood. There are more CD's in the service than you know. We just know how to "camo" better than they know. Semper Fi:D
I buy those picture frames with stock photos in them, then I leave the photos in so that I can pretend I have friends.
OK, that was harsh. But, who needs friends, they just turn on you anyway. :eek:
I worry about myself I like being at home dressed more than going out ,unless its enfemme
when my kids or gf are at my home I have to stay busy cooking etc to keep
my mind of them all leaving and me being julie again ,
I tend to isolate myself from the outside world. I have to agree with some of the others here, if it wasn't for the wife I would never leave the house. In fact it has taken me two years to get the courage to sign up for this website. I enjoy being able to dress when given the chance but feel that I have to hide and not let anyone find out. My wife knows but I even find that I try to hide it from her. I guess I feel guilty about doing something that is not wrong. Sounds weird, doesn't it?