I need the "gurls" POV as well!

Ok I haven't been here in a while but I need your help. Danielle has been distant towards me, no touching, no sex for 9 months, nothing really. I feel like roommates! I love him to death but I am afraid he is leaning towards the other side. I've seen in my browser "date a crossdresser" No I know he hasn't done anything yet but I am worried. I also have seen his photo comments on myspace telling them how beautiful they are, or hot etc. I never get those comments from him and haven't in well over 2 years. I am really upset and fearing the end of my marrieage. I am afraid to start the conversation later as I am certain it will be him walking away saying "whatever, you're paranoid" At this point I just need to know if he even wants to try and work our marriage out. I cannot live like this anymore. I need love and affection andto feel wanted. I am not getting that right now........anyone have advice?
Thx
Tammy

aww Tammy i am sorry to hear that. you have to talk to your S.O and tell him/her what you told us .. marriage is so important please keep talking and i do wish you all the best please don't give up hope

yes ..... show him/her this post .... seams like ether you need to talk it out or a counselor is needed ....a happy marriage needs key parts in it to work ... from what your saying many of them are missing.... and it's not only trying on you it also effects the kids....

Most CD activity both off line and online is NOT to do with reality so it may just be fun fantasy stuff that he is indulging in just as a social outlet. If he is being 'distant' he could just as easily be spending hours on a motor, or fishing, website and being distant.

I wouldn't take the websites he is visiting as a serious indication of his objectives, but more a symptom of your present situation. The only way you can discover his real feelings is to express your own worries to him and hope he is open enough to communicate with you.

But unless he has a hidden objective that has been hidden since you knew him I wouldn't take the website stuff too seriously in itself.

I wish you luck.

Anita Mae, I agree with MJ and Wendy. Tell her/him how you are feeling, but try to do it in a friendly, non-combative way. Make sure the focus is on your feelings, not on your delivery.

I don't know how cudley Danielle is but you might start by just trying to cuddle a little on the couch and talk. Talk about old times, school friends, anything to get a good conversation going. Then talk about how your marraige/relationship used to be. Don't be pushing or combative, more questioning or urging. She should be more open and talking to you if she has some problem going on. Try to get her to open up and don't let her walk away.

I hope this works out for you. You've always seemed to have such a good attitude about everything.

Good luck and God bless!

I would try and bring up the topic. I know the fantasy is strong to meet people. I have found that it rarely happens. Someone backs out of the meeting. You could try talking and maybe just an experiment in which you become a male with a male appendage might solve the issue. The play should come in only after some discussion of each others needs.

I wish you the best of luck.

That is really sad hun you need to tell him you need hugs and closeness you also need to lay down the law re meeting others for whatever reason :hugs:

I too agree, you have to talk about your problems. The biggest thing that hurts marriage, is the lack of communication. PPL find it easier to talk to someone else and not to the person that counts. Good luck to both of you...BJ

First off honey, you are flippin gorgeous!! Anyone in their right mind would want to be all over you or you all over me.:devil:

Has he ever been diagnosed with depression? I've been there and know how it can screw things up.

Try to talk to him and if possible get him to a doctor.

peace honey,

sugar

I agree with Julie that online activity, flirtation and more can be pure fantasy and not indicative about true leanings and etc.

Having said that I can tell you from first hand experience that such activity by me had a corrosive effect on my marriage. If nothing else the escapism is a welcome respite from actually dealing face to face with other issues of importance in real life.

It's really hard to gauge after the fact was the draw of the sirens song an indicator of marital difficulty or is the wanderlust the cause of marital unhappiness.

Either way you both are in a touch place and I wish you both peace and happiness.

KEEP IN MIND THIS IS A GENERALIZATION:

Communication with men is different than it is for women. Women will talk about their feelings, vent, and ramble on about anything and everything. It is how women socialize. Women can talk about almost anything and not really have any sort of point or objective. For women, it is social interaction. I totally wish I could do this better.

Men, on the other hand, talk to convey ideas, have a clear objective when they speak, and generally only say something in order to learn something new, achieve a better understanding of an idea, or ask for assistance.

WHEN male and female communicate with one another, things get a little dicey. A woman will share her feelings and a man, being the man, will automatically assume the woman is asking for help. After all, a man will generally only share his feelings when he needs advice or is trying to solve a problem. HOWEVER, a woman usually wants to just be heard, someone to listen and understand. So when a woman starts to talk about an issue, the man thinks she is telling him how awful and bad he is when really she just needed her feelings validated. Alternatively, a man may offer a suggestion on how to fix the females quote unquote problem. Either way, this will infuriate a woman and tempers will flare up on both sides.

My point here is that if you need to talk to your man about his recent behavior, the best bet is to be forthright and to the point. Don't beat around the bush because he may not understand what you are trying to say. Come right out and ask your questions. There is a difference between being blunt and being tactful. So tactfully ask your questions.

Going that long without intimacy is usually indicative of deeper, more serious issues. This is a generalization and may not be the fit for your relationship, but counselling could very well help. Either way, you definately need to make him aware of how you are feeling. Hopefully, he will realize that his behavior is not conducive to a long marriage.

My heart goes out to you and I sincerely wish you the absolute best of luck possible.

:love:
Z

Let Danielle that you are still in love with him/her! Be supportive of dressing in every way!
Even offer to help with the shopping!!! If you havn't done so already! other than that I dunno what to say!

AS you know every person is different in this way. I could cuddle every night. My wife on the other hand, Once a year or so is plenty. Not a very great combination. How do you work it out? I have no idea. Just be roommates, until something changes I guess. Counceling may help, but it may make things worse too. Depending on what the other partner is really think.

If you can manage some sort of constructive communication about the issue, without it turning into an argument, that would be good. But that is also very difficult to do.

If you do find an answer please do share it with us. :hugs:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sugar

First off honey, you are flippin gorgeous!! Anyone in their right mind would want to be all over you or you all over me.:devil:

Has he ever been diagnosed with depression? I've been there and know how it can screw things up.

Try to talk to him and if possible get him to a doctor.

peace honey,

sugar

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I agree with Suger here

My X left because of depression, she pushed me away, couldn't open up, talk, said everything was fine, and it wasn't, even though i knew it and asked a million times if everything is ok.

He may even be going threw a CD faze atm.. How long has this been going on???

Try to talk openly, without fighting, hope all works out for you dear.

I can sympathize with your situation. My wife and I had gotten to a really rocky point in our marriage last spring. So much so that we both really thought that it was the end of the road for our marriage.

We both just realized that even though we loved each other deeply, we just may not be able to stay married. It took many, many hours of honest talking and several months of meeting weekly with a relationship counsellor, but in the end it was worth it as we are still married and very committed to each other.

Having the counsellor give us a third party perspective was very helpful, but it really comes down to openly talking about your feelings with each other. It may be difficult for him to do at first, but he'll eventually talk about it if he has any real desire to save the marriage.

Best of luck, I hope it all turns out well.

:2c:


Talk

Talk

and more talk.

Hi Anita,

I am not one to offer advice, but I do want to tell you that you are a beautiful and attractive woman. It is my hope you will not feel it necessary to place "blame" on yourself for the way your SO feels. I think most people enjoy cuddling and being told they are beautiful or attractive and "THE ONE". You are no different than anyone else in that area and it sounds like you have given above and beyond the 50 percent needed to make a relationship work.

I wish you all the best and hope that this plays out in a way that brings you peace, love and joy.

Things are not always so simple for us CD's and definitely for you GG's it can be hell. Is he at an age when his drives are down? Is he depressed? Does he feel guilty about his dressing, believe it or not your support of his dressing can go several ways, it can be the coolest thing in the world or if he's in a crossdressing funk (feeling guilty) he may be harboring self doubt and low self esteem, he may feel he doesn't deserve someone as wonderful as you for supporting him, and distance himself from you and at the same time go into crossdressing LA-LA Land to deal with it. I can't really offer any advice. I wish I could. I've been emotionally in some of those places and felt those same things. My SO is supportive of my dressing and yet I seldom dress around her even when she says it's fine with her. She works nights so I can dress every evening if I want, yet a half hour before she comes home I shower and greet her mostly male, she laughs because she see's no need for me to do that. There is no telling what is going on inside his head right now, but as the preceeding ladies have said you need to communicate with him and try to guide him back home to you, where he belongs. :hugs:

I don't know if you are agreeable to this but I guarantee it will cure the problem. Ask him to get en femme and get intimate with him while he is dressed as a woman. Treat him like the woman he wants to be. In short have dress up sex. If that does not work...there is trouble afoot.

He may have some bi leanings. If so, it's harmless unless he acts on it. Of course, if he is submissive by nature and you are not aggressive, you're both waiting for the other to make the move. I think you need to find out where his head is. He may not want to talk, but his getting distant can't be tolerated. If two become distance, someone else could fill the void for one or the other. Once, my wife was growing distant from me, I couldn't get her to discuss it, but then, another woman started becoming more my friend than hers! That woke her up. Talk. Talk. Talk. At that point, if there really is a problem, at least you're not in the dark.

I have to agree with Zee here, men can be quite difficult to talk to about their issues and problems. They tend to hide them and retreat from everyone else when they have problems. Men are supposed to be able to fix their problems themselves, don't you know!
It sounds to me like there's some depression in the mix, like he is not accepting of himself at some level and so he becomes distant as a coping mechanism. A really lousy, but typical, male coping mechanism. He may not be able to talk to you about it, he may not even know exactly what the problem is, but I think he needs some professional help with it.
By the time I finally got help for my depression, it was too late for my marriage, she had moved on to someone else.
Good luck with this, and don't give up yet.

I agree with Sugar you are gorgeous!!

I am on the same page with Zee on this one.

I had not been intimate with my wife in about the same time frame as you and your SO, and I was completely oblivious to this fact until she cornered me on it. I seriously had no idea that it had been that long. She made the move at that point on me.

It was extremely painful, yes I mean painful. She told me she had to talk to me about something that was very important to her, and she didn't want to be interrupted until she was done talking about it. I really felt as though I was on the bottom of the ocean gasping for air.

Since that time I am very sensitive towards her needs. If you can get your SO to sit down and talk it out with you, I think that you will find you two can find a way to work it out!!

I know at that point alot of my activities online were completely harmless, or harmless behavior to me, but without knowing it they were harmful to my wife. I love her to death and we did find a way to work it out.

Zee is right about the communication between men and women.

I hope that this helps you.

Let us know how it all turns out. :love:

I don't have much to add except to strongly encourage some counseling if your attempts at talking don't work.

You need to share your feelings, but try to not to focus on what he might be doing or thinking, focus on what you are feeling. In other words, don't focus on him (which might make him feel threatened and defensive). Focus on what you feel and where you would like to go. I probably don't need to make this clearer but you should not be saying thinks like "I wish you would....", try to focus on things like "I want us to be closer". Don't focus on the problems, focus on where you want to be and try to work with Danielle to find a way to get to where you both are happy.

In the end, it doesn't matter how you got to the place you are in. What matters is where do you want to go, and how can you get there.

If Danielle still responds with something like "whatever, you're paranoid". You probably need some help from a professional.

I'm sure this must be hard for you. Hang in there, it is admirable that you are so committed.

my $.02.

El

Frankly Tammy, I just don't understand it. From reading your postings before you've always been a very understanding person and from what I've seen have always done more than your share to make things work. I'm hoping things work out for the two of you in any case. Whatever happens, you are a fantastic person and your friends are always here for you, never forget that.:happy:

[SIZE="3"]Gotta get those liones of communication open and keep them open, otherwise it is the kiss of death. It doesn't matter if CD is envolved or not communication in a marriage is paramount.:drink:[/SIZE]

Reading your thread made me angry. Here's a guy with a great wife who seems to be very understanding. From your other post I believe that I have read, you have been trying to talk for a long time now. I'm sorry, but it's time to tell him to take a hike and not come back until he gets his head out of his ass. Yes, he is a crossdresser and you accept that. But he is also your husband and if he can't fulfill that position, it's time to get out. It is not fair for him to clam up and take you down his road of fantasy. Everyone seems to be worried about him and I think you have been more than willing to help him. Your here asking questions, which shows me you have been trying on your end. Please don't be upset with us crossdressers. There are many of us that still can be the men our wives married.
P.S. If you do give him the boot and you still love him, give him the chance to come back. But make sure you set up some rules or consouling.
Best of luck
Sandy

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MJ

aww Tammy i am sorry to hear that. you have to talk to your S.O and tell him/her what you told us .. marriage is so important please keep talking and i do wish you all the best please don't give up hope

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I agree with MJ - you need to tell your Danielle exactly what you just told us. You need to say it with the same attitude of honest and hurt feelings and not with anger if you can help it.

I can't speak for comments Danielle may have left on others pics, but I can tell you that I also have connected to a few of those "date a TGirl" or "URnot alone" type pages. I have done it on the advice of others as a good way to find other Tgirls or get advice from them on where to go and what to do when I travel. I wouldn't take visits to these sites as 100% proof that Danielle is actually looking for or offering a date with others.

My best guess is that normal vanilla sex does not interest him anymore, he has fantasized about more exotic situations and wants to try them out. That does not mean he wants somebody else but rather he wants you to participate in his fantasies but feels rightly or wrongly that you would not agree.

Did you ever have sex while he is en femme? If not then why not suggest this to him. If his eyes light up then you have your answer.

One issue with crossdressing is that CDs can spend a lot of time dreaming up exotic, intense fantasies that can make reality look dull in comparison. If he is getting off on these fantasies then his sexual focus may be shifting away from vanilla sex. This is quite a common problem with all men.

Tammy, it is hard for us to know all that has happend with you and Danielle or how you communicate with each other. It may be a case of the pink fog or it may be just stupidity on his/her part. Men can be vague at times and not realize what they are doing. That doesn't give him/her a free pass however. I think it is best for you to initiate the conversation and discuss your needs. It seems you have been very supportive and you should expect no less.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Roxi Loh

I don't know if you are agreeable to this but I guarantee it will cure the problem. Ask him to get en femme and get intimate with him while he is dressed as a woman. Treat him like the woman he wants to be. In short have dress up sex. If that does not work...there is trouble afoot.

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Good advice---and darling you should also be dressed in your sexiest lingerie with dramantic makeup---I've reasonably sure that will spark his interest. I wouldn't be too concerned yet about his internet browsing----I've been on the CD dating scene for about 8 years now and have talked to literally thousands of T-Girls on line who have sent Me detailed descriptions of their fantasies, including heartfelt pleas to meet with Me for fun and games, yet when the time comes relativly few of them show---about 1 out of twenty maybe. I suspect if you were to take a poll here and get truthful answers you will find that out of the group of girls who have expressed an interest in dating another T-Girl, very few of them have actually gone out and done it. In fact if you were to get them at a truthful moment, you would probably find many of them have even gone so far as to make a date then either not show up for it, or make some half baked lie of an excuse at the last minute--the absolute height of bad manners but it just goes to show you how far in the closet many of us are. I would suspect that your SO has absolutly no intent of straying from his relationship with you---in fact the odds are against it. Good luck on the dressing up etc.