Girlfriend troubles

Right so as some of you may know, I've been going out with a pre-op MTF TS since mid- February.

I've been having some doubts... First of all, Dianne is a really sweet girl. She's caring and is the kind of person who would do anything for anyone. She's always been really nice to me, and we've never had any sort of an argument. Disagreement, maybe, but it never escalated at all. I'm lucky in that way, I suppose. And she's always been completely honest with me regarding her past.

But there are so many things stacked against us that I'm beginning to wonder if it's a good idea to be in this relationship at all. My problem is I don't want to leave but I think it might be better if I did. The other problem is, if I did decide to end it I would want to remain friends, but the temptation of taking it to a more physical level would always be there, and I don't know if I could refrain from playing touchy feely. I don't want to lose a friend. But I don't want to lose a girlfriend. I can't stand not being in a relationship, and this is the only good one I've ever had... And the prospects don't look good for me. I'm not the type of person guys go after.

So here are the problems:

1. We're both TG, which, while society would deem that a big obstacle, that is the least of our worries.

2. My mum won't let me see Dianne, and my dad doesn't even know we're seeing each other. I hate sneaking around but if I want to see her (which I do) I kind of have to.

3. The age difference. I'm 18, she's *gulp* 50. That's not really too much of a problem for now, but if this were to progress into, say, a marriage with kids, then it would become a huge deal. This is the main reason my mum won't let me see her.

4. Dianne still lives with her ex- wife Jeanne. I'm pretty sure she's not over Jeanne, but she really does want to be. Jeanne is very jealous (of me in particular-- she doesn't mine Dianne having flings but when feelings are involved she takes personal offence), and loves to start arguments for no reason. I've witnessed this.

5. Dianne used to have a drug problem. She was a big user of, well, pretty much everything. Pot, coke, meth, heroin, mesc, pills, peyote, acid, you name it, she did it. She quit using 8 years ago... But when I was with her at her friend's house one time they brought out the meth and snorted some. Of course, being "responsible" (ha!) they said if they ever caught me doing that they'd smack me upside the head. I didn't like the idea of Di using at all, obviously, so I told her later "look, I don't mind the weed or alcohol-- that's not a huge problem. I do it myself occasionally. And I can't stop you from doing drugs. But don't do it around me. I don't want to get involved. I could care less if your friends do, as long as I don't get into trouble, but don't use the hard shit around me." So she said ok. The next time we went to her friend's house, she didn't do anything but took some meth home with her to mainline later. So that was... considerate but I still have a problem.
She's not abusing drugs anymore. I know for a fact those were the only two times since I met her she's done anything harder than weed. And it's a start, but if she can limit it, then she can quit altogether.

6. Lately she's been pretty much ignoring me. We used to talk online all the bloody time, and when we weren't IMing we were on the phone or with each other physically a lot of the time. Then she got sick (the flu, same as me, for about a month, and then ulcers) and as soon as the ulcers started the contact dropped off significantly. I don't like to call because Jeanne answers and I don't like talking to her, even for a minute really. Every time I'd call to see if I could come over or pick her up, she didn't want to go. I understand about the ulcer pain-- I've dealt with that myself. But, for instance, last Thursday I talked to her and she said she was in a lot of pain, and then the next day we went out to a club with a couple of her friends and one of mine, and she seemed to be feeling just fine (apart from a fingernail that kept falling off. And when we were at the club, instead of pawing me all over like she used to, I was paying her all the attention in the world and she didn't reciprocate hardly at all, and a lot of the time she was off looking for a friend, leaving me alone with my friend.
She apologised today for seeming distant, in a slightly cryptic IM which I won't go into since this post is long enough already, but it almost seemed like she was trying to patch things up and maybe even get back "together" with Jeanne. But she did say she still wanted to be with me. However, she didn't say she loved me which is very odd for her. She has said many times that she doesn't think she's good for me, and she doesn't want to cause me any problems. Until now I have always thought, hey, love will conquer all. But now it's getting a bit too much for me to handle.

7. She doesn't have a job, which is the main reason she still lives with Jeanne.

So... since I don't want to just drop her... I was thinking of pointing all of this out to her and saying, "hey look... these are some obvious problems that you need to work through. I want to give you some time to do that. So why don't we give each other some time alone, and after that time if you've at least made an honest effort and some headway, then we'll see about spending time together again. But if not, then I don't think I can deal with this any more."

Or maybe I should just ask what's going on with her and if she thinks this whole thing is a good idea...

Any opinions? And I'm sorry for the ridiculously long post, but this has really been eating at me. In all honesty, it's the lack of attention that bothers me the most out of all this.

Phhhh. I'm confused as hell.

Hi Abraxas,

Things do seem grim. Could I PM you? There are several things in your post that I picked up on.

Love,
Rainy

Sure, go ahead. Thanks :)

Um, I hope Dianne doesn't read the forum.

Anyway -- I think you've pretty much summed up the relationship and know what it is that you want and need to do.

I'm pretty sure she doesn't. I'm sure we'd have run into each other by now.
And... I know I'll have to deal with this. I'm just not sure exactly how I want to. I mean, I've got those couple of ideas I mentioned but not sure what would be the best course of action for both of us.
I really don't want to hurt her. She's a good person and she's always been good to me.

You put this on the board, and so I'm just going to put my two~cents worth in!

First there's her still living with the ex! Not good!
Secnd, there's the no job! Not good!
Third, there's the alcohol and drugs~ serious drugs! Meth isn't a joke!
Fouth, there's your own innner consciouness and intuition telling you what you need to know!

You're not looknig for answers from us, nor opinions, your looking for a "sounding board" a point of reference for your own reality! For your own sanity! For what you already know!

Spot on, Dana...

I just don't want to hurt her. Or myself. She makes me happy and I don't want to lose that.

It sounds to me like shes trying to end the relationship herself. I bet her wife took great care of her while she was sick and their relationship got better. Maybe her jealousy of you made her wife treat her better. I bet shes waiting for you to bring up where you two are going. It sounds like she realizes it would be best for her to stay in her marriage.Sorry if my opinion hurts you.....

Sometimes, not just in relationships, but in friendships too, two people who care about each other has to make that kind of tough decisions - before they hurt each other more. Remember that if she's thinking about ending the relationship, you're the one who will be hurt - it sounds like she's already hurting you now. It's wonderful that you care about how you treat other people, but you should remember your own feelings too. If I was you, I think I would take the chance to end it in the nicest way possible, while I still could - before it gets too ugly and painful. You could try to wait and see if things work out, too. But it doesn't sound like you believe it will. I'm sorry you have to go through this :(

Abraxas, judging by the time you spent writing that post, I think you know the answer yourself. It's like the more you write, the more clear it becomes to yourself what you have to do. Only you can make the right decision, it is after all your life. Do what you feel in your heart and don't let love cloud the bad things. I do hope you make the right choice, but think long and hard about it before making that final decision.

Tamara x

With out butting in to much, you have some real valid concerns for your well being. My take is... Doesn't sound like you were meant for each-other. But that doesn't mean you can't be best of friends and still hang out. Your situation make it real tough to sort out your feelings. Be true to yourself, I was always told your first response is ussualy the correct one(good or bad). I wish you the best of luck, sorry not much of a help.

Katie

Sometimes the greatest love one can give is in letting go.

Abraxas... let me tell you something. You should just leave her. Trust me on this one. No job, druggie, lives with ex-wife, and is 50 ?!

Oh, come on now!!! All of that just screams trouble. Plus, trust your gut. You can't go wrong. I've ignored mine before and regretted it. Upon listening to it, everything went my way.

Upon going against your conciousness, your slapping youself in the face and will regret it. Now, you don't have to listen to me, but I suggest you stay away. No wonder why your mum wont let you see her. Sheesh. If I were your mother, I wouldn't let you see her either!

What does your heart say?

I don't know...
It's hard to say because I still do love her. And every time I see her I forget about all the shit. I wrote her a letter, which I'll post here in a minute. I haven't given it to her. Actually I'm going to email it to her because 1. I can't see her in person (my mum's car got repo'd and even so, when I DO see her in person, things don't seem bad at all, so I can't think right about it). 2. She's never on YIM anymore. and 3. I can't call her and talk to her about it, for reasons I won't go into at the moment.

So I'm giving her an ultimatum. The fact that she's 50 means nothing, and her past means nothing. I couldn't care less if she used to do drugs. But the fact that she still drags her past along with her is what bothers me. So, letter coming up in a mo'.

Here's my letter. What do you think? If she decides she can work through her stuff and she really makes an honest effort than I will keep it up. But if she messes up then it's over. What do you think here?


Dear Dianne,

For the past week or so I've been thinking about us. I'll be honest-- I don't know how you feel. It seems to me that something's different lately. Please just take this letter at face value and don't try to read too much into it. I'll be honest here.
First, I can understand that you may not be feeling very well at the moment or whatever, but I must say I'm a bit confused at the lack of contact over the past few weeks. I'm a guy who needs attention, even if it's just an email saying hey. But going several days without a call or message makes me feel bad. And then every time you do get online, it seems that within a few minutes you run off without an explanation, and then don't come back. I realise I haven't been trying too hard the last few days either, but when I did try I never got a reply anyway, and I just figured it wasn't worth it. And then at the club on Friday, you kept running off. When you were there it just seemed that you were distant. And then afterward at Bear's house you left me and Amber again. It wouldn't have bothered me so much except we hadn't seen each other for like two weeks.
And then there's the drugs. I know I said before that I didn't mind you doing that as long as it wasn't around me, and I know you didn't do anything in front of me after I told you that, but the truth is, it does bother me. I mean, not only is it dangerous and illegal, but it's stupid. Weed is one thing. But meth, especially mainlined, is some serious shit. Normally I would say it's a personal decision but I don't want you to hurt yourself. And it doesn't matter how much you rationalise it. If you can limit yourself as much as you have, then you can quit. Babe, look: I love you. But I can't deal with the hard drugs. I don't give a rat's ass if your friends do it when I'm around. But I'm gonna give you an ultimatum. No hard drugs. I draw the line at weed. Not around me, and not when I'm not there. I'm gonna have to trust you to be honest. And if you don't think you can stop altogether, then I'm sorry. But I'm not going to tolerate it. I will support you to the end but I'm not going to deal with drug use. Or excuses.
And, of course, Jeanne. I'm not blaming you or her for this. But I know you're not happy. I don't know what you want to do about your situation, but it has to be something. I can't stand to continuously hear that you're not happy. I want you to be happy. I can sympathise, but you do need to do something to correct the situation, whether that be straighten things out with her or move out, or something else. I'm only telling you things that you already know. I'm doing this in the hopes that you will take some initiative and try to do something about it. For you AND for me.
You also need a job. I want you to have the things you need. I want to be able to come over any time I want. And besides that, you need to be able to take care of your health problems. I don't care what your job is. Even flipping burgers is something.
So there it is. Here's what I want you to do. First, I want you to email Elise and tell her you've gotten this email. You can talk to her about it. She's said it's okay. I want you to think about what I've said for at least three days. Please don't try to contact me in this time. I want you to really think hard about what you want to do. If you think you can work toward fixing these problems-- really make a SERIOUS effort-- then great. I will support you and help you in any way I can. I can tolerate slipups but I have to draw the line somewhere. But I expect no procrastination. I expect no drugs. I expect you to be looking hard for a job. I expect you to have a serious talk with Jeanne. Let her know how you're feeling. Don't avoid her. After all, you're the one that values communication. And I expect attention.
If you decide that you can't or don't want to do anything to correct the situation, or if you think this relationship isn't worth it, then I respect that. I can deal with it. However, if you decide that I still think we should have some time alone. I would be fine with talking online or maybe on the phone-- after awhile. But honestly I don't think that I could handle seeing you in person-- at least not right away. There would be too much temptation and I would risk caving. I will not cave. I refuse. So if you take this option, know that at least until I know I can handle being around you in a platonic way I will not come see you. Whether this takes time or me being in another relationship, know that it will not happen until I am ready.
So, there it is. I suppose I'll talk to you in a few days. I would like either an email or an instant message. Not a phone call.
I'm sorry to be harsh, but really I am looking out for both of us here. I don't want either of us to get hurt. I know you realise this. And I'm trusting you here. Please don't blow it.
Love,
Benjamin Edward Durante

It's an excellent letter Eddie -- honest, thorough, and to the point!
If nothing else, maybe it'll serve as a wake-up notice to Dianne to clean up her act.

Thanks very much. You don't think it's too harsh or not harsh enough or wot?
I hope it was a good idea to tell her not to contact me for at least three days, but I just worry she might get mad at me, and that might cloud her judgement.

Would you get offended if somebody gave you a letter like this? I worry I'll seem too judgemental.

It would hurt my feelings, but I would hope that I would reflect on the things you have written and seriously consider them. If Dianne values your friendshop, and that appears debatable, then she'll do what is necessary to make you happy.
What you are saying is not too harsh, and I actually think you have gone out of your way to soften your words. I just hope she's realistic enough about her situation that she'll take the steps necessary to straighten her life out. You are only telling Dianne things that she should be aware of anyway, and probably is if she has any sense at all.

BTW -- you are a groovy moderator! :)

Thanks for your honesty.

She's told me a lot that she doesn't think she's good for me, yet when I said I could handle it she didn't do anything to correct it.

She does know all this stuff. So I'm hoping that by giving her a few days, even if she's mad at first she'll get over it and be able to think rationally about it.

I just feel like I have to be the grownup in this situation. I know that traditionally the guy is the one who sets the rules, but the girl has to have her own sense of responsibility. I don't want to have to monitor her. I want to be a boyfriend, not a father.

And, I'm very glad you find me so groovy. :)

Thanks very much. I've sent it along and my sis Elise has agreed to let me know when Di gets the letter, and also she's agreed to talk to Dianne about it, and let me know how she reacts and which way Dianne is leaning.

Problem is, Di hasn't been online in a few days so I have no idea when she might read it. Elise says that if she hasn't gotten word that Di's got the letter in a few days, she'll call her and ask her to check her email.

Hopefully this will all end up well, whatever the end result.

Phhhh
thanks for your support, folks. Really.

I think it's an excellent email. Harsh, blunt, totally to the point... but sometimes that's just what is needed. Sometimes reading a letter can make you realise just what you are doing.... I know... been there... and for me it was like a wake up call. Hopefully she sees it the same way and starts to make an effort in correcting these bad things in her life. You are still young and this seems like such a huge stressful thing to be going through... I hope things work out for you... and I hope you do get the result you want. *huge hugs*

Tamara x

In my experience, when someone tells you this, you should believe them.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Abraxas

She's told me a lot that she doesn't think she's good for me…

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Just my two cents… whatever you decide, Abraxas, I wish you the best.

hate to be the bloody bad guy Abraxas but you ned to cut her lose. shes dragging you down now. hate to sound like a dick but i know I am. i feel for you but shes makeing you miserable from the sound of it. you got to step up and be a man here bro.
well thats my 2 bits
peace matt

Eh, it's over anyway... I haven't even talked to her in well over a month, and she hasn't even attempted to contact me.
God, I don't even care anymore.

aww it sucks being single i know kisses and hugs keep your head up at least you have a support group here
believe me its worth more than most would know.