More on Telling my Wife...

I'd really like some responses from those of you in a similar situation including the following:

- I've been CDing since around age 10
- My CDing now (as it always has been) is only at home alone except for the occasional underdressing and is limited to mainly lingerie and this is where I'm happy with it.
- I've been married for almost nine years now
- My wife doesn't know but I'm ready to tell her (I think)

How many out there have told your wife your secret after several years of marriage? How did it go?

My wife and I are going away next Wednesday (5/21) for a night as we do every six months or so.. always a good time to spend some time together with no interruptions from the phone, kids, etc. This is when I plan to tell her in the hopes that I don't ruin a really nice time.

A little about her... She is the kindest most understanding woman I've ever met but at the same time very traditional. We have had disagreements from time to time but have NEVER had an actual argument. My feeling is that she will eventually be OK with this (to some extent at least) but she may be somewhat shocked at first - which can only be expected. I also expect that she may be upset with me for keeping this secret from her for so long, but I'm hoping that my explanation for that (pretty much the same as others on here - the embarrasment, not knowing how common it was, and the fact that at the time we got married I felt like I didn't need to dress anymore and I didn't for the better part of a year) will be at least understandable to her.

I wish I would have known nine years ago what I know about this now. I would have told her before we were married and I think it would have been OK.

OK... That's enough rambling from me... You should have the general idea...How did it turn out for you?

only you know your wife . trust your feeling on this matter .
i knew my wife would not approve . in any way when she found out ...pow 21.5 years of wonderful marriage over just like that ..

I do Believe in honesty up front especially now that way there are no surprises . should i find a wonderful accepting woman then no secrets .
once bitten twice shy

but do you think this is the best time to spring your secret on her ???
after all it's your's time away it's close to summer just enjoy your time away you both need it .. don't potentially spoil it .your S.O needs a break too
find a different time to tell her

I told my wife last year after 25 years of marriage. She did not take it well at the time, but after a long 2 hours of conversation, allowed me one Saturday afternoon to be my fem self, I could join Tri-Ess, but did not want to see me fully dressed or my fem clothing.
Then 2-3 weeks ago, my wife was working at the local library for a book sale. She got her times mixed up and we ended up coming face-to-face in the garage, with me fully dressed. We sat down at the kitchen table and talked for over an hour with me sitting there fully dressed. I think she had a lot of precomceived ideas about what CDing was about and how I would look fuuly dressed. I was wearing the same outfit that is in my avatar. She discovered it was not as bad as she thought and sinse then, I can wear my Pink Satin PJ's, Pink robe, and Pink slippers in the evening and to bed. Then when it came time for my May Tri-Ess meeting, she told me I could go ahead and get dressed in the house. I said OK and told her I would take the back way to the garage, so she did not have to see me fully dressed. To my surprise, she was waiting for me when I came out of the bathroom. She looked me over, examed my makeup and then said "Have a good time at your meeting". Then this past weekend she informed me that I did not have to wash my fem clothing myself and I could put them in the wash basket with all the other dirty clothes.
She has become more accepting and I have made it a point not to push her and so far I have been thrilled.
Just keept he commuications lines open, and show her that you appreiacate her acceptance and love her even more.

Hi Sis -

This is going to sound very negative and like I am not trying to be supportive but before you tell her consider this: are you willing to risk the relationship you have in order to tell her this?

I don't know how old you and your wife are, but if she is somewhat traditional, as you say, there's no reason to believe that after nine years she's going to be OK with it.

The question is: are you prepared to end your relationship with your wife? I'm not saying that's what will happen, no one can predict, but it could. If it does (and I truly hope it does not) are you prepared to go forward in life without her?

In your post you say that she will be somewhat shocked at first. You don't think that will ruin a really nice evening?

I'm sorry I can't play the role of cheerleader for you. Please reconsider.

Well it seems that I am the first to respond here.

I told my wife after about 10 years of marriage that I wanted to role play as to cover and kinda feel her out about CDing. And she was for it as long as I didn't go to crazy. She even purchased some clothing that I requested. As long as I was only doing it for sexual purposes with her. After some time of on and off in the bedroom with her. About 4 years past and my desire to dress had only gotten stronger. Still having her help with underdressing and loving it. I decided to reveal my desire to dress from head to toe enfemme. She giggled and thought I was kidding, because I guess that I am the typical mans man... Hunter, fisherman, golfer, anything outdoors... That is me.

So we had a night planned together and after she and I had some time together, I didn't know how or what to say exactly. So I told her the best way I could and she stopped me and wanted to see all of my "stash" (wigs, clothing, etc.) and so I wanted to get it off my chest and I went and got everything and brought it to her and, well.... For a little bit she ask some questions and started to cry. And said you have never bought me anything like this. I told her that I wasn't gay or she didn't have to worry about me doing anything to embarrass her in any way, so I thought. She was hurt that I had kept this from her after all of these years. What happen next was strange. She allowed me to keep things in the closet. And didn't talk about it for about 2 months. I had gotten a book by Peggy Rudd "My husband wears my clothes" and she said that she read it.

Then I got the letter.... She had stated that after me revealing my little secret that she had been up most nights sick to her stomach over this. And that it was something that she wasn't going to be a part of in any way. That I had to choose wheither I was going to continue dressing and loose her and my kids. Or that I could stop and we would work through, what I had done to her. She felt that it would be something that people would find out and that it would ruin my career and our family. So for about a year I put things on hold. "Purge" I think is the word, for dumping all of my costly things. And only dressed in private (underdressed). Till lately, there has been times that I wanted to try to talk to her about my desire and I knew that with different hints that it was a line that we wasn't ready to cross.

I did get caught buying some panties and a bra set of the net. And she told me that she didn't want be buying that stuff. I told her that it was for her and she really didn't believe me. But let it rest. Right now I am not sure if I told her that I still dress if we would stay together. By her choice, not mine. There is a lot of tension around her right now. I am not sure if it is because we are so busy or what. Just not good...

So, if you are planning on telling her, I would suggest that you not spring the pink fog on her all at once. Maybe you should reveal it to her at a slower pace, and let her guide you with her questions. And reveal it to her as she is ready for it.

Not to be a party pooper... But my guess is that it will not make your get-a-way a great one. Then again, she may say, I have known it all along and I still love you and lets go shopping together...:D

I am going through kind of the same thing. I have been married for almost 28 years and never told her. A few months back I startred seeing a therapist about my depression and eventually told her about my crossdressing. I never thought I would ever tell anyone and definitly never thought I would consider telling my wife. I know I need to tell her if we have any chance of a life together. I don't think she will take it well and I am afraid she may tell our 18 year old daughter. I could not live with that. Good luck with whatever you decide.

In a nutshell: told the wife, she freaked, and we got divorced. The longer story is that there were other issues in the marriage besides the CD'ing, but it was a great excuse to make the CD'ing the final straw (for both of us).

I say this because it is very important that you have a strong relationship, otherwise this revelation could easily become a catalyst for all kinds of escalations from both parties. Lastly, as someone already wisely said, only you know your wife.

Edited because I would like to agree also on another point: Don't ruin a nice weekend out together by telling her this!

I consider myself very lucky

When I told my wife she dodn not freak out nor was she enthusiastic about it

She was upset that it had taken me 8 years to tell her I whish i had known more then

I did not have the benefit of any help or advice at all but I did try to broach the subject carefully talking about fancy dress etc

You can never be 100 % sure of what the reaction will be all you can do is hope

Given the fact I did not push it has helped in that her support is now better than ever

Telling her, in some way, is probably a good idea. Better that than she finds out my accident. But, your trip sounds like a time for you two to reset and enjoy each others company. I would wait till after to tell her. That way you can get some distance if it is needed (she may want to not talk for a while). Also, considering the stories of marriages broken by this, you might consider checking out her feelings about CD's in general first. Bring up a story in the paper or internet about CDing and see what she says. Ask her a couple of questions about it. Feel her out to see what her beliefs are in general. Obviously this will not tell you how she will react with you - but it could give you the lay of the land. Be considerate in choosing the "when" part of telling her.

I suspect you already know how your wife will react.

You often read that wives told prior to marriage react better than those who are informed once married life has been established. I think there is a reason for this, many of us sense how our wives will react, those that expect resistance instinctively remain silent. So, if you have said nothing until now, that says that you know reaction will be poor.

Of course, the real problem here is that no matter what action you taken, someone is going to miserable. Either you, or your wife. Your decision to tell is determined by who you want to be unhappy.

As others stated, I recommend that you say nothing on a trip out that is for the both of you, that will come across as selfish. Of course, the problem is that there really is no good time to drop the bomb.

Hi Sis,

I can only tell you what happened to me and you can make a decision on what others tell you, or your own good sense.

I told my 2nd wife of my CDing after 24 years of marriage and it was ended almost immediately. No counseling, eventhough thats what I desired.

I met a nice lady on the internet from Australia and immediately told her of my cross-dressing and bi-sexuality. She informed me that she was ok with it as her daughter and herself were also bi. After giving up my business here and moving to OZ, it became appparent after about a year and a half that it was not OK with her and I was told to leave. Exit wife number 3.

I met another lady in the states, my current SO, and we dated for about a year and she asked why I couldn't commit to her. I had a long talk with her, expecting the worse, but all she said was "is that all"? "I thought you were going to break-up with me". We are still happily together and she is more supportive of my CDing than I'd ever dreamed possible.

Take all the events as you will. I guess what I'm trying to say is its all a crapshoot and you're on your own. The very best of luck with your decision. Hugs, Amber

About 10 years ago I let my wife know. After many hints, I thought it was ok. So one day I got all dressed up (all the way ) and waited for her to come come from work. Big mistake on my part. She got really mad, I tried to explain, but to no avail. In the end she said I could dress when she was not around. I have tried many times to talk her into accepting this, but she is very negative about it. So I just dress when I am alone and fantasize that she will accept it someday (but I know better).

Only you know your wife and can best estimate how it may or may not go. It it usually goes better you telling than them finding out some time down the road. But you need to decide to tell or not to tell as you are the one that has to deal with the positive and/or negative response from her.

If you do tell I would use this from your post prior to blurting it out.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Secret Sis

...I wish I would have known nine years ago what I know about this now. I would have told her before we were married...

---

Good luck.

[QUOTE=Secret Sis;1293966]I'd really like some responses from those of you in a similar situation including the following:

My wife and I are going away next Wednesday (5/21) for a night as we do every six months or so.. always a good time to spend some time together with no interruptions from the phone, kids, etc. This is when I plan to tell her in the hopes that I don't ruin a really nice time.

Really really really unwise timing sis.
Need I say more.
I wish you all the luck in the world and sincerely hope that things work out for you but please dont be that insensitive. She might well be really looking forward to the break too so let her enjoy it without burdening her with something that will knock her for six. Even if she's OK with it she will have to come to terms with the fact that she never really knew her man.
Bev

I cant agree more with the timing issue - it will only end in tears . Youre wife is so looking foward to spending time with you , I think its a little too strong of a secret to out in a relaxed situation like a few days away form normal life .

If you really need to come out to her I think you really do need to accept you are about to open pandoras box . Indeed its wise perhaps if you touched on the subject of crossdressers ( say you read something about one ) and guage her response first.If you at least get a warning sign , then thats where you should leave it .
Believe me , for all of us confusion reigns when we come out - good and bad for both persons.
Our partners are very aware and delicate people , who will worry , fret , feel let down , and also question her husbands sexuality in great deapth . She may also feel as though she has'nt fullfilled her part of the partnership ( there is another woman involved now - you ) and desperately wants to know why the decietfulness ?? I can certainly vouch , although my wife now supports me totally , in the first few months of emerging it was a trying and difficult time for us both. And I did'nt rush in . I kept Michelle hidden ( or so I thought for about 8 years - she knew tho ) and decided I could'nt stand keeping me locked away any longer .It was the most difficult of times explainig me , time and time again . The one thing I thankfully got right was that I was honest , I sat a listened to my wifes troubles , tears and questions patiently and never let go of her the whole time . It could have so easily gone wrong . I was never so scared in all my life - the day I came out to her . If it was'nt for the dreaded "panda eye effect every friday " - she'd never have known I was messing about with make up and such . She did know I was doing something tho , but accepted it was a " private moment " . My lame excuses as "dust in my eyes " just didnt work anymore - so it had to emerge .But that was my situation - not youres .
You really must consider all of youre options and tread very carefully .
If you are still going to go ahead with this , be gentle , be very supportive . Be loving , be prepared - apart from tears there could be war ..........like I,ve written lines before ....perhaps a conversation to test the water first would be youre best first hurdle .
Good luck .

When we were first married, my wife was not comfortable with my wearing any female items at all. Our love relationship became much stronger after our 25th anniversary and about 2 years later I told her of my need to dress more completely and more often (but not around the kids till they graduated high school). She is fine with my dressing at home and even when we are on vacation. She does ask that when we are on a date that I present as a male (which I do for now). I am very lucky.

I would advise caution. As others have said, she may not appreciate you springing this over that time that you have away.

As for me, ignorance was bliss. I always thought that I wanted to have her know about this. After she found out, we talked about it and her attitude is what I would call "don't ask, don't tell". She's OK if I do it, but she wants nothing to do with it.

This is almost worse than before. She is actually disgusted by this, and so when I talk about it, she is disgusted with me. At least with her not knowing, I didn't have to hear the negative side of things.

Food for thought....

Hey Sis,

As others have said, only you know your wife and could fathom how she will react.

I am one of the fortunate ones that has a very supporting wife - I came out after 15 years of marriage. My wife has a hard time finding a downside to it - she still has a husband to treat her like a lady; we go shopping together and I'm an active participant rather than rushing her to hurry up; and I have no grounds to complain about the amount of money she spends on stuff (makeup, pantyhose, etc) cause I'm buying them too; and she gets to play with makeup (she considers it a challenge to help make me as passable as possible).

For us, coming out has only brought us closer and made our relationship stronger.

Nicole

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Secret Sis

How many out there have told your wife your secret after several years of marriage? How did it go?

---

Dear Secret,

I have told this tale before but perhaps it is worth repeating. Whatever you decide, please do not infer anything from the experiences posted by others including me. You are the most qualified expert on the relationship between you and your wife.

For as long as I can remember, I have had the urge to dress. I suppressed these desires for the majority of my life and hoped they would go away. As so many others have said, you can try to hide them but they will not go away.

Basically, I kept my inner secret until after the family was raised and gone. My reasons were many but that is just the way it happened.

Having the run of the house without the family was a breath of fresh air for my wife and I. You might say we rediscovered each other in the process. Now we could express our deepest feelings with each other to levels never before experienced.

When the time came for bringing up my repressed side, her reaction was, "Life is too short. Why live a life of regrets? Let's go shopping." I was expecting the worse from her but you could have knocked me over with a feather instead.

OK, I'm am truly one of the lucky ones. Yes, this is a very simplistic overview of what happened. Following the initial confession, I avoided overwhelming her with too much too soon. This concept was new to her and in consideration of her personality type and feelings, I realized that she needed time to digest this element in our relationship. All of this happened several years ago and things have gone well.

I wish you the best of luck in your decision. If you tell her, then never forget her feelings in the process. Go slow and allow her time to adjust. Cross-dressing is not just about you. Test the waters and respect compromise. Aside from the cross-dressing aspect, look for ways to deepen your relationship. Avoid the pink fog because it can lead down the road of too much too soon. When you always consider her as the most important person in your life, there is a much better chance for her to begin acceptance of you.

Many of us have been in your position and understand your anxiety. Good luck.

Babette

Sorry but I agree with YMS, right now I wish that I had never told my wife and still don't know if our marrage will survive. Best of luck to you, hope thing work out for the best.

Stephenie

I have to come in here because it's depressing reading all these disaster stories.
I told my wife about 18 months ago after many years of marriage. I picked what I thought was a good time (not on holiday!). We went very slowly with the process of showing Ruth to her, and she was rather hostile at first, but she came to realise that Ruth is just one facet of me, and she still had her man as well. Now I can dress around the house pretty much when I please, with my wife enjoying the show and quite often complimenting me on my outfits.
My dressing has resulted in much more emotional open-ness and a generally sunnier disposition, and so our relationship is closer now than before.
So please tread carefully, but also please believe there is such a thing as CDing within a happy marriage.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Ruth

Now I can dress around the house pretty much when I please, with my wife enjoying the show

---

I doubt your wife is enjoying the show. More likely she is accomodating.

Good for you.

Emily, thanks for the insights. Perhaps I should get you in as a relationship counsellor.

So many sad stories!

My heart goes out to each one of you.

hi Sis,

Decisions.decisions.....

I have been married for 34 years. I too was scared to death to tell ANYONE of this terrible strange fetish I had so I never told my wife. Twelve years later I saw that CDing was not going away and I felt a need to be honest.

I told my wife, 1st saying I liked silk underware, so she got me men's silk boxers...I said No I like bikini silk underware, Damn wouldnt U know they actually made mens silk bikini underware. Finally I came out with NO I like Women's Silk Panties!! She said "Oh"

Actually for her, she was a bit angry with me, more for dressing in womens panties but for not feeling I could trust her with something so initiment. She really never has understood, and is at best tolorant of Jenny. But we do love each other and I feel so much better being able to be honest with her.

So as advise, I would come clean, but do it becasue you want to be totaly honest with her and leave the dressing part as a minor point. If she is accepting you can reveal how much you dress later.

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"]Hey secret sis

I just found out after 20 years of marriage that my husband is CD, and I found out on my own he didnt tell me. I did not freak out or scream or want to leave him I still love him very much.

But I will not lie to you it is very confusing. One minute I cry the next I am OK.

I am sure we will be fine.

She might not react like you think.

It is strange.

How would you feel I guess if she wanted to start dressing like a man.,

But if she loves you she will try to understand.

I am trying very hard.,

My biggest thing is I dont think that I want to see it. And you have to respect her for that right now it is hard. but we talk alot it has actually brought us closer in that manner.

GOOD LUCK!

If you need to talk I am here.


Good Luck
MG
[/FONT

I told my wife after about 2 weeks of being married. WE were both only 18 at the time and a little into everything. She accepted me and also taught me to do my makeup curl my own hair and let me wear her dresses aand heels. It went well for a while and then we would have a fight about something and she would make me stop so I'd be patient till she came around again. She told me once that she thought I'd outgrow this and I told her I had been doing this since I was about 10 years old. After that I think she realized it wasn't going to stop and she became more involved in my dressing. She takes me shopping and if I need pantyhose or something she will shop for me while I am at work. I dress in the house when she is here and she is ok with it.Last night while being dressed I painted her nails to match mine,and sat and talked for a few hours and I was dressed. Be patient and go slow and things may work out for you like they did for me.

I have been engaged for three years and with my fiance for five. I have just revealed to her my desires to explore my crossdressing further. Since I met her she always knew of my underdressing...literally from the first date. I am underdressed 24/7. She has no problem whatsoever and after I told her about my further interests she is very happy for me and says it is divine to be free and wants me to be happy. She is going to shop with and for me and we both have a verry satisfying sex life and things could never be better. BTW she says she knew all of this from day 1 and is wondering what took so long.

Thanks to everyone who responded to this... Since I posted this so much has happened...

Today was the day we were going on our litte getaway, but it has been cancelled, :sad: because this past weekend my mother in law had a heart attack. (She's going to be fine... will be leaving the hospital today.)

I was still considering telling my wife but now I know I can't for a short while. I will be rescheduling our trip for late June and I am hoping the opportunity to let her know will come up before then.

Thanks again for everyone's comments... :) It was great to get some GG perspectives on this as well!