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Wish I could grow out of this.... I have things to do...
I keep looking for, well- i guess its pornography, or erotica? typing in words into google- I never used to when i dressed- now it bothers me- I should be doing some work- got animations to do and everything.... Btw i don't look like this anymore, but i did once- and half of it was fun and half was not.. Any ideas??Attachment 68367
Just curious how you look now. hmmm. Like most hobbies we find it hard to put down. I too have so many more things I should be doing but this gives me that escape from reality sometime. Some of us think we out grow it and that leads to a purge, but eventually that fire is rekindled and we become engrossed. Such a cycle.
I'm not really sure what this thread is about.
Ajh, if it bothers you then you have the power to correct it. You alone have the answer to your question.
If you don't dress 27/7 why don't you have time for other things hun. :hugs:
Angie
You are in conflict, please tell us more.
We can help.
:strugglin:thinking::timeout:
Alexa, I think you already know that one does not "grow out of" being a crossdresser. You are having an inner conflict that you will have to deal with in a way that only you will know. I wish you good luck in finding happiness with yourself. I hope you come to this site often as there are so many of us here that are willing to give you advice and encouragement.
I have a long term belief that we mimic or become that which we desire the most. Look at the wardrobes we build, each item we acquire is something that holds a sexual attraction for us. No, I'm not surprised that getting more of what holds an attraction for you occupies your time, but as a great man once said,"A hobby should take up time not fill it."
So one might think that if this force becomes a issue, what issues are you neglecting(like work) and why? Sometimes boredom, fear or addictions come in to play. Never being one that can find a middle ground with any thing any where I try to keep it real and ask myself if what I'm doing will hurt me or others in the long run, just as you have. So what is your next step?
Alexa...the truth is...you can't grow out of it...
You can only grow into it!
Since you've found your way here...to us...it seems that you really don't want to get away, do you?
But the intelligent and caring souls here can help you figure out how to live with it...even accept yourself doing it...and ultimately enjoy it.
...And all the while figuring out that our interest...our non-shakeable need... actually makes us better people!
Pay attention here, dear one! We all started out feeling guilty and like we were wasting our time. But what better use of our lives than to work at fully understanding ourselves and our place among others?
respect & love,
deja
:<3:
Pro-crasti..........nation! Get with it girl! Make a schedule for yourself.
When I discovered myself at the ripe old age of 51, I realized that I had found who I was and I had to accept the fact that I loved to wear womans clothing. The urge to do so placed conflicting emotions upon me for a while but in the end I realized that I had found who I really am and I accepted that fact. Since then I have not looked back and I have found that through that through acceptance of myself that I have become a better person in both of my gender aspects and my life has become more enjoyable. I am still in the closet to most of the world and probably will always be but to my self I can accept and realize that it is my honesty with myself that will maintain my mental stability and allow me to be me. Like you, I tried to hide it at first and found that I was going the same way that you are, checking out pornos and such but I have found that if I can release my fem desires that I do not need such stimulus and I am a lot cleaner in my personal hygene at the same time. I have times when I do not want to dress but I have never had the urge to purge as I realize that if I do I will just end up having to replace all that I have thrown away. It is a part of us that will never leave so accept it to the best of your ability and enjoy .
Very simple answer if your desire for pornography is causing conflict in your life and getting in the way of the things you want to do you may have an addiction to pornography. If your life becomes unmanageable seek help through a local 12 step group.
Dont get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with pornography. For some though it can be highly addicting just like alcohol, tobacco, food etc.. It is the only addiction that I know of that you can partake in just by thinking about it. This makes it a very hard problem to overcome.
I for one am a recovering pornography addict that for 30 years controlled my life. I am 22 months clean and have never felt better about myself. Waking up every morning and not having any guilt is an amazing experience.
Hugz,
Miss Petra
I think more than few of us were hung up in the porn search wasteland as well...
But quite honestly, for me, the constant search for tranny porn was probably brought about by my fierce denial of who I really was.
Since accepting my self and searching for answers to the big gender questions within, I've totally lost interest in that kind of thing. Not lost interest in sex or relationships or CDing or the trans world as a whole but lost interest in trying to subsume my guilt by using others as an excuse to feel bad about my self.
Haven't looked or even thought about it much since coming here and getting involved and talking with real people instead of obsessing about "virtual vixens" that mean nothing to me or I to them.
"The only addiction you can partake in by just thinking about it!" There's the clue to ridding yourself of it. There are so many more important and self-relevant things to be thinking of than the fleeting and not-really-very-satisfactory thrills of pornography!
(Thanks for that wonderful quote, Miss Petra!)
Which was the half that was not fun?Quote:
Originally Posted by ajh_alexa
Looks like it as all fun to me! :)
I was the same once I came out and came to terms with my crossdressing pornography was an all consuming thing for me for 30 years. It wasnt just about the sex for me it was all about the illusion of men into woman what they wore and the jewelry and makeup.
Remember pornography dehumanizes woman and men but mostly woman and turns relationships into a fantasy world that the partner cant possibly compete with. For most pornography between a couple can be healthy when viewed together. It is when one partner is doing it in secret is where the problem lies. Pornography like other addictions is a progressive disease and when addicted long binges of internet viewing can occur.
There are some that say pornography addiction doesnt exist and is a choice. They say that most can watch pornography and have no ill effects. Their logic is flawed just like Alcohol most can enjoy it without issues but for few percent out there it destroys lives.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pornography_addiction
I agree just do a search of internet porn statistics.
This was just in 2003.
http://www.safefamilies.org/sfStats.php
PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION STATS
Pornography Addiction and Industry Statistics
As of 2003, there were 1.3 million pornographic websites; 260 million pages (N2H2, 2003).
The total porn industry revenue for 2006: $13.3 billion in the United States; $97 billion worldwide (Internet Filter Review).
U.S. adult DVD/video rentals in 2005: almost 1 billion (Adult Video News).
Hotel viewership for adult films: 55% (cbsnews.com).
Unique worldwide users visiting adult web sites monthly: 72 million (Internet Filter Review).
Number of hardcore pornography titles released in 2005 (U.S.): 13,588 (Internet Filter Review).
[SIZE="3"]Adults admitting to Internet sexual addiction: 10%; 28% of those are women (internet-filter-review.com).[/SIZE]
More than 70% of men from 18 to 34 visit a pornographic site in a typical month (comScore Media Metrix).
More than 20,000 images of child pornography posted online every week (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children, 10/8/03).
Approximately 20% of all Internet pornography involves children (National Center for Mission & Exploited Children).
100,000 websites offer illegal child pornography (U.S. Customs Service estimate).
As of December 2005, child pornography was a $3 billion annual industry (internet-filter-review.com).
"At a 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, two thirds of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said the [SIZE="3"]Internet played a significant role in the divorces in the past year, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half such cases. Pornography had an almost non-existent role in divorce just seven or eight years ago." [/SIZE](Divorcewizards.com)
I encourage further discussion on these issues for or against.
If anyone out there is suffering Please PM me. Helping others when they are ready is part of my recovery.
HUgz,
Miss P
Quote:
Originally Posted by deja true
I must admit to being a little confused myself.Quote:
Originally Posted by TracyH
Dont be confused. Yes the post was a little convuleted but look deeper and she is saying that viewing pornography is causing conflict with her day to day life. This may represent a problem or not. If your actions prevent you from doing what you need to get done it may be an addiction only she can answer that and then be willing to change her actions.
Regarding her statement of half fun and half not...Dont we all go through that the guilt shame fear etc.. Her looking at pronography may be a way of her escaping the conflict of being a crossdresser.
Face it for most of us being a crossdresser is a tough road to travel towards acceptance of who and what we are. Your environment and the people you choose to be around makes cding either easier or harder.
Hugz,
Miss Petra
Miss Petra, Somehow i might take exception to some of those statistics you cited, they seems to come from companies and organizations that would stand to gain from overstating the problem. Not that I am claiming that it is not a problem for some people.
So its established that porn exists and its readily available on the internet. The civil libertarian in me says that it should be allowed to exist (with obvious limits like on child porn for example) for the enjoyment of responsible adults. For those that see the nannygate controls a necessity there is a myriad of companies that will be glad to sell a solution.
My primary complaint about the porn industry is marketing directly to children or something like that. A few years back i remember my kids trying to look up something like Pokeman on a search engine (ok i'm dating this story) and what came back from one of the searchs was a unending barrage of porn pictures. It was obvious a search for a keyword like this might be what a child is looking for. So the whole thing about free choice and responsible adults is null and void.
As far the post is involved. I guess looking at porn or erotica while dressed is not out of the norm. and i applaud you typing with handcuffs on probably is not easy.
By listing this statistic under "PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION STATS" you are making a statement that visiting a pornographic site as often as once a month constitutes "addiction" to pornography (several other of your statistics were phrased in terms of per-month as well.) This is suspiciously like the US mental health "diagnostic manual" definition of cross-dressing as being a "fetishtic" disorder (which would require that cross-dressing being required or substantially required for sexual performance) and then turning around and making the diagnostic marker as having cross-dressed three or more times in 6 months... regardless of what one actually did when cross-dressed, and regardless of what one's sex life is like. Plain numbers of occurrences might provide some guidance, but they do not provide a diagnosis.Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Petra
The material you quoted refers at one point to "an excessive interest in online porn", but makes no attempt to define what is normal or possibly even healthy, and that which is excessive. Instead the statistics you quote are phrased to imply that for any given person, 1/5 of the porn they look at will be child porn, and thus (we are meant to assume) that anyone who looks at pornography once a month is very likely into child pornography.
Your "statistics" are, in my opinion, an excellent example of what Darrell Huff was writing about in his classic book, "How to Lie With Statistics".
It occupies your mind. Gives u a healthy purpose. Helps the economy.Quote:
Originally Posted by ajh_alexa
And you've a run in your stockings anyway!
you are too pretty to grow out of it. that is not only a compliment but a prediction. i think you'll eventually look back at that picture or in the mirror and say to yourself something along the lines of, "jeez i was beautiful." and then the cycle will start all over again
Funny enough, my experience is the other way around. I was addicted to porn and cybersex - the sleazier the better. But out of that sleaze, Petra was born.
I was undertaking a submissive role for a potential meet in a motel and I dressed. Not immediately, but over the next few days as my dressing became more complete and I put on Revlon Autumn Berry nail varnish, increasingly my head filled with lights, doors opened and switchs fired on and Petra emerged from where I suppose I packed her away 44 years ago at the age of 16!
I was actually in deep depression, with little or no reason to live, and Petra just grabbed me back from the Gates Of Hell. From then on, all thoughts of porn, cybersex and sleaze just disappeared and I've never been remotely interested since! Never once for 3 months. I know it's early days, but I just have no interest whatsoever!
I wonder if Petra's suppression for so long was the actual cause of my depression?
At one point, I tried to use porn, etc. to short-circuit the desire to crossdress, thinking that the crossdressing was solely an erotic thing. I took it to the point where I couldn't "do it" anymore each time. The CDing still came back. So, it wasn't a good solution. I had to accept that my crossdressing was for reasons other than sex, which is what I was afraid of. This doesn't mean that I am a TS, I could be, but even that doesn't mean an operation is going to happen. Are you trying to short-circuit (prevent) crossdressing cause you don't want to crossdress for some reason?
Oh wow! Have you got a direct line into my head? What you have said is exactly what has happened to me. That is so uncanny. I mean, I know that we all have a lot in common here but your words sounded just like me. So, anyway, well thanks for posting that thought Deja, cool.Quote:
Originally Posted by deja true
Sarah...
....Quote:
Originally Posted by ajh_alexa
I'm not sure what you mean, maybe focus on the part that was fun, cut back on the porn, and do all your animation work while dressed? Lol, I multitask, if I've got work to do but feel like being a girl for the day I make myself all pretty and go about the rest of my day as usual, except I tend to get way more done because I feel all happy and stuff. This only works if you can work from home once in awhile though... although... if you're not, and googling porn at work instead of working, you've probably got more to worry about than missed deadlines. :o
I hope I never grow out of this, life would be so much less interesting, lol...