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Ok so I've met someone online and might be going to meet them. She seems awesome but I'm scared due to who I am.
I'm afraid to not tell her and things work out and then she either find out or me tell her and like many other be done. Or to tell her and she be done.
:'(
Or you could tell her and she's cool with it.
Or you can not tell her, but she's cool with it anyway and three years down the road she'll say, "Why didn't you tell me this earlier?"
Or before you have a chance to tell her she might tell you that she keeps two bricks in her purse for smacking robbers just like in a cartoon and you'll think she's nuts.
Or....you're not going to know until it happens.
Jenni,
Sorry you've had some bad experiences in the past. We all have, and it sucks. Just concentrate first seeing if there's some chemistry with your blind date. If not, move on. If so, be friends, then just have fun with her. Some girls advocate telling a potential partner right up front. I don't. I think a month or two is minimum (I waited six months with my fianceé).
Good luck, and relax.
What happened?Quote:
Originally Posted by Sedona
I've never been in this situation before, and I am extremely worried when I will have to face it. I think you gotta be honest and I would personally tell her relatively early on, like after a few months. Maybe instead of saying you're a crossdresser - say you like panties or pantyhose or whatever, and see how she takes that. Again I have never been in this situation, so I could just be making all this up
I met my SO on line also, he didn't tell me right away but about our 3rd or 4 th time together he did. I've been with him about 10 months now. I would first see if there is some kind of connection before saying anything. But before you throw your heart out there and end up getting it broken, I would say something. She might be like me, she may just want to find out more about you, because she feels a possible connection there as well. Being open and honest is a great thing, I'm not sure yet about all facets of his dressing I'm totally comfortable with, but then again I'm middle aged and that just might make a difference.
Sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith, anyway that's my :2c:
wish you the best
Jen, just go to the meeting and be yourself. Don't worry about what she thinks of you, just have a set of guidelines in your head she must meet, before you jump into anything.
You will be able to tell more about her in one meeting for lunch than you can in 50 emails to each other. Go for it and have fun.
I'm in a similar situation, I hope to see a lady I met on the interweb this week. I have no idea when is the proper time to bring up the subject. Just showing up in a dress is probably pushing the issue and keeping it secret for an extended time is just as bad. Probably just play it by ear and see if she's willing to see me a second or third time.
Here is what I did:
I met someone online and have been dating them for a little while now. I decided long ago that no matter what I wasn't going to hide it like I did in my marriage. So after 4 dates, I felt a real connection to her. She felt the same. I sat her down and explained most everything to her before she got more attached. It was almost a way of limiting my heartache if she left after I told her. If she left this early then I wouldn't have my heart tore out of my chest. :D
She surprised me by trying to deal with my crossdressing. She has asked a lot of questions and I have answered them. Yesterday I allowed her to see my clothes hanging in the closet. I brought her upstairs to my bedroom and let her see what I owned including the breast forms, wigs and makeup. I didn't hide a thing. She even realized that I had almost as many female clothes as male ones. She asked a lot of questions about crossdressing / gender issues / transsexuals. She immediately realized that things were much more serious about my crossdressing than I wore panties and shaved completely. :devil: She is not prepared to see me completely dressed which is the one item which is holding me back from taking our relationship to the next level. After she sees exactly what I look like crossdressed then I can begin viewing her as a "keeper".
In the short time that I have known her, I have told her much more than I told my wife of 20+ years. The question everyone needs to ask themselves about telling a SO or girlfriend has to be would they rather hide who they truly are to the person they love. Personally I don't want to live with someone who doesn't completely accept me.
I don't think it's something worth mentioning on the first date. There's no sense in stressing over this if you don't hit it off with her for other reasons. See where the relationship is going before you think about telling her.
I agree. I wouldn't advocate telling on the first date at all, unless you don't mind being outed. At that point you don't really know who you are telling. It's only my opinion, but I think the time to tell anything that may affect the relationship is when you feel it has the potential to be serious. That is while you can both still walk away relatively unscathed and when you know as much as you can that the person is to be trusted. Before you say the L word, in other words.Quote:
Originally Posted by abundantly_me
But this is just my opinion.
So we got into a conversation a little last nite.
She told me she is high accepting of others.
She has gay friends so I thought hey why not say "what other kind of friends do you have" and said lesbian, TG. So there was a comment here a comment there and I pretty much got the impression that she isn't too keen on CD's and TG. I had asked her well whaat if your daughter brought one home. She didn't come right out and say it but it sounded like she thinks they are weird.
I didn't get a chance to ask but how can she be accepting of gays but not TG's. :eek:
Oh hon go....what if there is a real connection and you miss it by being scared. I agree don't tell right away as you are just getting to know each other BUT after you see there is a connection and like Mylitta has said before you say the L word....then tell her.You will know when the timing is right but for now just go and enjoy meeting someone.:hugs:
ADD..... AFTER READING THE ABOVE POST (we must have been posting the same time)
Just wanted to add....do not read into things( from your post above)...unless she out and out says she isn't interested in tg's or cd's...it might just you reading things wrong.....I orig thought go....see if there is a connection...as I said above......BUT since you seem like you are skirting around the issues and not just meeting and seeing what happens and going from there.......and you seem like you want to go in the other direction......just tell her straight up...no playing around second guessing her......that is a good way to get mixed confused signals.
The best time to tell her is at this stage of your relationship---if you don't tell her now and you keep dating etc it will be much harder later on---and oh--don't fool yourself thinking you can "give it up"---when you suppress it, the urge becomes much stronger eventually. If she doesn't accept it, then its best to know now, before you become too emotionally involved.
See how the date go's if there is more date to be had then tell her.:hugs:
Angie
We're still together. Don't want to thread drift away from the original thread, but in a nutshell, I told her about three years ago, and it was a bit rough-going for about six months. She's cool with it now, and has seen me dressed, but only a couple of times. She does NOT want me going "out," which is fine, because I've never been drawn to that in the first place.Quote:
Originally Posted by jeniinnylons
Lots of great responses on this board, with the consensus being tell her early in the relationship (but not too early).
As had been said before, probably multiple times, a lot of women have no issue with anyone else being of a diverse nature, but when it comes down to their man, they want a man above all.
That is not to say that she would not come around to appreciating your CD'ing side at some point (or may even love it from the start), but seeing as you haven't even met the girl yet, you certainly don't need to go telling her anything about it until things get a bit serious. And even then, take it slow!!!
emily is right there.
being accepting of diversity dosnt mean you would accept it from your intimate partner.
Dosnt the answer to this dilemma depend largely on how bad you have the crossdressing itch?
i dont think it a terrible thing not to tell a partner at all if its just a rare fix you need. but if you compelled to wear panties 24/7 and get home everyday and become a woman, then id tell her before you even met her.
...first off, I found my partner on this board and she knew I was CD from the start. So I have never gone through what is before you. I feel your fears.
:2c:
One way to look at this your fears about telling or not-telling is the Roller-Coaster approach, if you like Roller-Coasters...
You are going to fall with the roller coaster, and come up again, and fall with it and come up again.
The view from the beginning, either climbing to the top, or at the top creates tension and brings up fear, it is only natural. After the listening to the experiences of others, and reading the newspapers, I discovered that the people who really got hurt didn't follow directions (keep your hands in, belt/seat-bar locked, don't stand up, don't walk on/near the tracks). I learned from my experience, that I didn't get hurt or die when the car fell with increasing speed to the bottom and then shifted into a climb to the next top. At the top the cycle repeated, and I learned from it and the next tops that my fears are natural, and with care, they almost never come to pass.
Along the way a wonderful thing happened, I began to trust the process of roller-coastering and alongside the fear, I had the joy and relief of going through the ups and downs, enough to be willing to try it again.
Ending a dating-relationship near the beginning can cause my guts to get in a big jumble, and my expectations of comfort to be frustrated, and my trust and hopes be tested. It almost never will kill me. I will learn and while I never never go and take the roller-coaster ride first, I usually get around to returning to it.
I think the hardest part is to know when to take that ride....when am I confident that this person has gotten to know me enough to "really listen" and care, or when am I confident that this person may not "really listen" in this lifetime? My hopes for a life-partner are bound up in a process where I may have to reveal myself and be rejected (hopefully with kindness), or, because of a person's prejudice or immaturity, have to reject them because I cannot go on concealing myself.
Relationship is about making choices. You get to say no, so why not them ? They may say no in a word, or by being intolerant. They may say no by showing they are not-ready for a life with a person who is wonderful in the unique ways that you are.
Along with the dread of "NO" comes the absolute rush of "YES!".....eventually.
Be Well!
:rose: Roberta :rose:
:'(
Unless you marry her, the relationship is going to end sometime down the road. Girlfriends come and go. When it ends, the situation is a lot different than when it began. And women love to talk, and tell everything to their girlfriends. I've never told any of my girlfriends, and it has never been a factor in our breakups. But I'm glad there aren't a lot of old girlfriends running around telling people that I'm a crossdresser.
You could always tell her later, and just explain that you were waiting to see if it was going to last, before baring all of your secrets to someone who might be temporary.
The problem as I see it, is so many of you make a big deal of "coming out" to someone, as if it is some huge dark secret, that you just have to get off your chest and your soul.
I would rather get caught, and downplay it, and just explain that it was something I was curious about, and dabbled in now and then, than to "come out" like it was a major part of my life, and leave someone wondering where she fits in.
When you come out to a woman, and make a big deal about it, she rightfully wonders where she fits into your life, and how she is going to deal with this competition and how much of your time and attention it is going to consume. And make no mistake about it! Women know that this is sexually driven, and represents another sexual outlet for you, every bit as threatening as another woman, except that they don't know how to compete with it.
I hope to prove you wrong one day, and I'm sure many have before. Marriage is a piece of paper to a lot of folks. My girfriend and I have every intent on being together until death do us part, and neither of us want anything to come between us to prevent that from happening.Quote:
Originally Posted by Melinda G
That is all well and good for you. And I hope it works out for you. But most women want to get married, no matter how much they deny it, especially as they get older. I've been single a long time, and I know. When you go on that first date, you are taking the first step down that path, toward either getting married, or getting dumped.Quote:
I hope to prove you wrong one day, and I'm sure many have before. Marriage is a piece of paper to a lot of folks. My girfriend and I have every intent on being together until death do us part, and neither of us want anything to come between us to prevent that from happening.
Well my thoughts were right. She has wanted to meet up and I figured I'd say something first. So I said something last nite about it and well you all know the result i'm sure. :'(
I have a new friend but that's not what I'm seeking. :(
Sorry to hear it didnt work out, but remember things happen for a reason. I have been divorced twice before I found a girl that accepted me
Sorry it didn't work out but don't give up, there are girls out there who will be able to accept you, just keep looking.
Quote:
Originally Posted by EricaLS
On the contrary. Once you hit it off, it wil be harder to tell her. Right now you have nothing to loose. Tell her ASAP so you don't spend extra time for nothing. Just my two cents. If I am going to meet someone I might date then I'd rather they meet Genifer first or right away. If it's not their ball of wax, I'll find another candle.
Gen
Coming from the view of a GG, please tell her up front. I am so thankful that my boyfriend did that for me. It didn't scare me off. I had alot of questions, but, like you and your friend, we got to know each other online (email and IM'ing) and my heart was hooked before I really saw him. When he told me, it almost made sense to me because I knew he communicated better than most men I knew and I knew there was a softer side to him that made him sweet and approachable. CDing can make someone so well rounded. Hopefully she will see that is what makes you YOU!
I think there will be severe trust issues if you don't.
I'm sorry this person didn't work out for you.
I'm coming in here kinda late, but here's my :2c:
I agree with those who advise not telling on the first date. I think people generally don't think twice about stereotypes until their preconceived ideas are changed by personal experience. How would she know how she feels about a CD until she gets to know the inner person? How would you know how open she might be unless you've shared more than a few conversations?
I also do not believe it is wise to share our deepest selves with someone until we have established trust in the other person, and that takes time. How much time depends on how quickly you connect at that deeper level. A few months seems an appropriate amount of time to know.
My SO and I were friends first, but there were undercurrents. I knew him only in guy mode. He told me when our feelings for one another began to escalate. By that time, my feelings were strong enough that I wanted to know more! :<3:
My advice for your next potential relationship is to meet her and IF you like her, relax, date, have a good time, and see where it leads. You may even decide you do not want to bring the relationship to the next level.
:hugs:
"Just showing up in a dress is probably pushing the issue"
I normally wear a skirt and heels for a date with a woman.
It works for me.