Some thoughts on acceptance
Hello! I am new to this forum. My husband, Angel, posts here also. In another thread, Stephanie (womanatheart) asked me some questions that I thought would be better answered in a new thread. It’s nice to have an opportunity to talk about my feelings and experiences with my husband’s crossdressing in such an accepting environment.
Was it hard accepting Angel as a CDer?
Angel and I met online 4 years ago and have been blissfully married for 2 ½ years now. I knew about his crossdressing from the very beginning, since we met through a CD forum. However, before meeting Angel I was in a long-term relationship with someone else who was also a crossdresser….and in that previous relationship I did have to deal with all the issues that arise for a wife or SO when she first finds out about her partner’s crossdressing. Perhaps that experience is more relevant here. Thinking back to my relationship with my ex, I would say that acceptance wasn’t hard, but it didn’t come instantly, either. At that time, like many SO’s I was completely clueless about crossdressing. It was not something I had ever thought about, and I associated it with drag queens and mental illness (movies like Psycho, Dressed to Kill, Silence of the Lambs, and so on). So when my ex told me about it, it was a total shock and it made me very uncomfortable to begin with. The problem I think was that my ex did not know very much about crossdressing himself and had a lot of shame and guilt about it. When he did reveal his “secret” to me, he did it in the most abrupt and confusing way possible, and he did not make any attempt to educate me about it or help me see that it was not a threat. Well, I am a very open-minded person and although I did not understand, my first impulse was to WANT to understand. So I went to the internet for answers. Big mistake! Never let your SO do this without giving her some safe, helpful sites to visit! Otherwise, she might do what I did. I went to Google and typed in “transvestite” (the only word for it that I knew at the time), and what I saw made me even more worried. I found lots of kinky porn, she-males, TVs trying to hook up with other TVs for sex, forums with lewd messages, fantasy stories that I found totally bizarre…..you get the picture. I was persistent though, and eventually I found some real answers and was reassured that crossdressing is very common in heterosexual men, is not an illness or a perversion, and does not necessarily lead to wanting a sex change. I started to see that so many of the qualities I appreciated in my ex were directly related to his feminine nature. At first he looked really odd to me dressed in women’s clothing, but after seeing it enough I eventually became comfortable with it. The passage of time can work wonders, providing an SO has the desire to be accepting in the first place. That relationship ended for reasons unrelated to my ex’s crossdressing, but meanwhile I had been participating in CD forums, trying to learn as much as I could, and that was how I met Angel, when he emailed me one day out of the blue. It was a match made in heaven.
Are there times it is hard to accept?
Honestly, no. I do have some limits, which Angel always respects. For example, he understands that I really would not like it if he tried to grow real breasts (forms are fine with me of course). And I don’t feel ready to go out in public with him completely en femme at this time, so he does not push me to do that. If I felt as though I had to constantly defend my boundaries so to speak, I can see where it might be exhausting and acceptance would be harder. UPDATE: six weeks after I wrote this, Angel and I had our first en femme outing together. I am so glad we waited until I was ready!
Are there times when you wish Angel were not a CDer?
Absolutely not! It is too much a part of him…I can’t imagine removing it. I never feel that it’s a burden or an inconvenience. Again I imagine that’s largely due to him being very sensitive to my needs, just as I try to be sensitive to his.
What are the parts you enjoy? Is there a benefit to you?
I really enjoy seeing Angel in feminine things, because I find him adorable :) . I love buying him things like bras and panties and cardigans, because it’s fun to shop for him and because he always gets so excited when I give him a present. I really value the closeness that we feel from sharing at such a deep and intimate level. Most of all, I truly appreciate the gentle, caring, and sensitive nature that Angel has, and I think that dressing helps him show it more. In fact I often refer to it as “displaying on the outside what you are on the inside.” I know so many women who are stuck in terrible relationships with husbands who don’t understand them, who don’t communicate, who are misogynists at heart, who insist on being the “man of the house,” and who even abuse them, and I know how lucky I am to be with someone who treats me the way Angel does. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to have a partner who respects and loves women in general and me in particular.
Why do you think most SO's of CD'ers don't accept CDing?
I think they are afraid…afraid of losing the man they fell in love with and having him replaced with a girlfriend; afraid people will find out and reject both of you; afraid the crossdressing will progress and end in SRS; afraid their man will want to be with other men; afraid that they will be expected to accept and enjoy things they are not ready for.
Is there something we can do to make our SO's be not fearful of this part of our lives? Is it a question of balance between fem and masculine?
This is such an individual question. In my opinion, the most supportive things you can do are (1) make a sincere effort to help her become more educated about crossdressing. How we feel about things directly depends on what we know, or think we know, about them. (2) reassure her in every way you can that your crossdressing is not a threat to the relationship and the life you’ve built together. (3) If you can do it—and I know it’s hard—LET HER BE IN CONTROL of how and when your crossdressing is integrated into your lives. Never push her to accept more than she is ready for. I think almost any woman’s level of acceptance can be improved with time and allowing her to be comfortable with each step before moving on to the next one. Keep the channels of communication open. As to your question about balance between feminine and masculine, I think you have a point. Most SOs are not lesbian or bisexual (I’m not, either) and they will have a very hard time staying attracted to you if they no longer see you as a man. For myself, I have never liked manly men and I am attracted to the feminized aspects of Angel’s appearance—hair-free body, slender build, soft voice, and so on. If your SO prefers you to be more masculine, then in order to avoid alienating her you are going to have to be patient and try to find the balance that you spoke of. Her preferences may change with time as she gets more used to seeing your feminine side. You know how they say that you may have to try a new food at least ten times before you start to develop a taste for it? Well, I think the same principle applies here. Long ago, when I first saw my ex in a bra, it disturbed me. After a few times, it still looked odd, but not disturbing. Eventually it began to seem normal. Now, with my darling Angel, I actually find it attractive. It’s all a matter of what you’re familiar with.
Thanks for listening! Any other GGs want to add their comments?
Marla
XXXOOO
