After reading Stacey B's post "START something", I've decided to, well, start something.
When I joined this forum two months ago, I thought I was just a crossdresser. I didn't know then, and still don't now, how deep this rabbit hole goes for me. What I do know for certain is that there's more going on with me than just wanting to wear women's clothing.
I quickly latched onto the transgender label, and refused to contemplate the transsexual one, because when I came out to my wife (as CD, and then later as TG) she told me she wouldn't stay if I transitioned. It's fair to say that with my permission to myself to explore these feelings, things have escalated quickly. Way too quickly.
I've tried to tell myself that I am only a woman part of the time. I've asked stupid questions here that show my complete lack of understanding. I'm not at all prepared to be open to the idea that I'm something other than TG. To do so risks everything, as everyone here knows well.
As I struggle with my gender identity, I've read every article and blog post and forum post that I could get my eyes on, and sometimes I am reassured that I am not on the road to transition. I haven't known from a young age that I'm in the wrong body. I haven't experienced the same thoughts and feelings that "real" transsexuals do.
But most of the time, I find thoughts and feelings that resonate with me to my core. My discovery of "indirect gender dysphoria" has rocked my world again, because yes, I am living that. I know what it's like to hate myself and my body, but without knowing WHY. Wanting to claw my skin off to see what's underneath, the need to know what is hiding just beneath the surface, not understanding why I just can't be happy in my own skin. Always feeling that something is wrong with me, and being confused by that feeling because I look the same as I always have.
Since discovering what gender dysphoria is, it has answered so many questions for me. I now think I know the source of the depression that has been a daily part of my life since entering puberty, and as I take steps to alleviate it, I feel better. Not great, because I'm scared of what it means to my life, but better.
My steps have been small, hesitant, little baby steps. Shaving my legs, arms, chest and back. Putting on long hair. Wearing nail polish. Shaving my beard. Dressing as a woman. These all help reduce the pain and anxiety that I've been living with, but bring on new fear and anxiety. I know none of this is what it means to be a woman, but erasing my masculinity with these superficial cover ups is such a soothing balm to my soul.
I've tried to see myself as male since taking these baby steps, and I can't. When I look in the mirror without the wig and makeup, I just see a woman. Now that I feel like I've seen the real me, it's difficult to go back to the default that I've had for so long.
My wife is struggling just as much as I am. What I thought was unconditional acceptance in the beginning, wasn't. I just wasn't being told her truth. She didn't lie, but she suppressed her own fears and anxieties in order to better support me. She's starting to open up more to me, but things are shaky. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to keep her trapped in her own unhappiness and dissatisfaction just so I can be happier. I'm terrified that my happiness and hers are at polar opposite ends.
I called for therapy this morning, finally pulling the trigger, and was told that my preferred clinic has a 5 month waiting list for intake and diagnostics. I can't wait that long anymore, not with how fast this is progressing, so now I'm hunting for basically anyone that has any experience in this field.
I can't claim a label anymore, because I'm changing on a daily basis, and maybe that's a good thing. I've always liked them to help explain me to myself, but now I'm left thinking if I've been using them like a life boat; clinging desperately to whatever keeps me from going somewhere that my wife can't or won't follow, even as I let go just a little bit at a time.
So here I am, letting go just a little bit more.
