Feels Like Everyone Knew But Me

Four weeks ago tomorrow, during a session with my therapist (whom I've been seeing for several weeks), I used the term "transsexual" in reference to myself for the first time. I'd been answering her questions, listening to her observations, sharing thoughts and feelings, for weeks. As we worked through things, I began to see the gender dysphoria for what it was, something long suppressed, and the suppression for what it was doing - making me and those closest to me unhappy. As I finished that sentence, she just sat there, looking at me and smiling. I think I said something like "What?" in response to her silence. I don't remember her exact words, but they were to the effect of lobbing the ball right back into my court. I shared that that was the first time to call myself TS. From there, the floodgates kinda just opened up. I talked about all the things that had so recently come into focus, the almost lifelong envy of the things women share, the ease which I have always felt in their company, ...and the rapidly sharpening need to pursue changes. Again, her exact words escape me but they were the professional equivalent of "Well, duh!"

So, apparently, I'd tipped my hand well before that day. :)

Since then, we've talked about my plans. It seems like that was a discussion intended to assess my commitment or sincerity, and satisfying that, the practicality of those plans - my grasp of the huge impact of those plans. Fortunately, I have several TS friends, here and in real life, who have shown me what it means to be TS, the good and the bad, what works and what does not, how we're all different in the challenges we face and how we face them. For that, I am deeply grateful. Providence has truly smiled on me in this regard, and in another even more important way....

A week ago, I shared all of this with my wife. I hadn't intended to, but she can read my like a book sometimes. She knew that I'd been seeing the therapist, and had been delighted at the changes she was seeing in me, changes that she'd seen before, when Kelly was more "present", for lack of a better term. So she knew what was coming almost as surely as I dreaded sharing it. Keep in mind that she's always been accepting of my CD'ing, but this was going to be ... quite something else. I needn't have worried. We talked about all of it, and she promised to support me any way she could, and assured me that we would work through this together. My wife's best friend is a mental health professional, and knows about me. My wife's own therapist does two. Apparently, the three of them has seen this coming too. I told my wife, "You could've said something!" She was, of course, wise enough to let me find my own way to who I really am. I am truly blessed.

I have no illusions about the practical reality that lies ahead. I have taken the first serious step already - my first electrolysis session was today, but the journey will be a long one, requiring patience and determination. Social transition will have to wait until a change in my career status (retirement or a position with a "safe" employer). There will come a time when what little family I am still in touch with will have to know. Some of them, and some of my friends will have a hard time with it. While that prospect pains me, I know that I must not let it affect my resolve. All I can do is use the abundant meantime I have to find ways to make it easier for them. I don't know what that looks like, but it's something I must try to do.

Again, thank you to the wonderful ladies here who have my guides and mentors.

Biggest Hugs,


Kelly


P.S. - I fell asleep at least three times during my 90 minute electro session today. Yes, those zaps smart a bit, but the whole time I was in this comfortable place - a place where I finally know the direction I go from here.

"blessed thou art". Having your wife onside means everything. Good luck.

Wonderful! Just wonderful! Know you are in my thoughts and prayers! Hugs Lana Mae

Wow, Kelly I was a bit surprised to hear the words. Startling as they seemed when I read them, I guess it further reinforces the view that, given time and opportunity, we will tend towards binary...one way or the other.

Im so glad your wife and her inner circle are so aware and supportive. Perhaps that accounts, in part, for your calm acceptance of this reality.

Kelly:
I'm happy for your breakthrough and that you now understand better what you want and need. Good luck to you and your wife.

Hugs, Zoey

You have a wonderful guide dog for your trip, although she will shoot me for calling her a dog. All the best for seeing this through. And many kudos to the absolutely wonderful wife you have.

Like Kim, I'm a bit surprised as well but suppose I shouldn't be given our conversation after the GNO last month.

I've heard you speak a number of times of your wife and how supportive she is of you in a number of ways. Really heartwarming to hear you describe her as "... wise enough to let you find your own way..." despite she, her friend and her therapist having their strong suspicions.

Your articulate, measured and deliberate tone is... *sigh* wow. You seem to have a strong grasp of what's in store or as you put it; "... no illusions about the practical reality that lies ahead." So proud to know you, if even just a little bit.

Sayyidah

Kelly, most interesting change in your outlook from TG to TS. When did you start to believe that the G and S were blending, so to speak? Just curious for personal reasons.

Kelly, my wish for you is continued love and support as you move along your path.

When I told my therapist I was making an appointment with the endo he wasn't surprised at anything other than how long it had taken me to decide. When I told my now adult children there was a bit of a health update they were relieved, being more afraid I had some newly discovered disease rather than adding hormones to my daily pill minder. I don't have anyone else with me on a daily basis who knows, but I'm sure they will mostly all suggest that after a little consideration that this explains so much that didn't otherwise fit. Despite our best efforts, we are more transparent to those who care about us than we believe.

Sayyidah,
Yes, I am truly blessed with supportive friends (yourself included) and an amazing wife. Such gifts are... humbling. At the same time, I know that this will be a long hard road, despite their support.
Jenny,
I have used the "gender fluid" label for myself for a couple of years, so you could say that I have known at least that long, but it was my therapist who helped me realize what all those "signs and symptoms" really meant. As good as my clinical acumen may be, I would not have been able to put it all together by myself. To be clear, it was not her who made the "diagnosis", and I'd have skeptical if she had, but as I said, her knowing smile signalled agreement, once I'd uttered the words. I don't mean to suggest it was a once and done kind of thing. She has continued to probe and question, again guiding me to find my own answers to important questions.