Am I being overly sensitive/unreasonable?

My wife, who knows, but we are DADT, has left me frustrated and very annoyed at her hypocrisy.

It's come in two parts.

Firstly, she is finding her current underwear to be uncomfortable for running as it is riding up between the cheeks. Yeah, totally get why that's uncomfortable. Her solution? She's using some boxers that were bought for me but were too small. They're apparently extremely comfortable, and naturally I said I was fine with it - I don't have a problem with her wearing the clothes that make her feel more comfortable.

She wasn't wearing them last night, and I joked "Oh, is the underwear swap not happening any more?", and just had a "Oh they're in the wash, I might get some more though?"

Again, I was supportive, and it had become clear that she was talking about wearing these more often that just for running.

That's left me really frustrated, because if I want to wear some women's leggings or something, it wouldn't be acceptable, even if they looked like male items.


Second part, is that I text her about a weird dream I had the previous night (we didn't get to see each other before I left for work today), and explained part 1 was that she insisted on waxing my legs - I realized that was because I had physio tape on my leg that had pulled off in the night. It's basically like a waxing strip.

The other bit of my dream was that she had bought my diamond stud earrings and insisted I get into male jewellery.

Her response was "Blimey they're both very feminine" with a confused and questioning emjoi. She went on to say no to studs, but she'd be ok with a necklace. I said it felt like I was being judged, and she said I was being too sensitive.

Of course I'm sensitive - I'm not allowed to express any of my trans side in front of her, it's got to be hidden, and she's just called me out for having feminine dreams.

Honestly, am I being unreasonable for feeling like this?

I don't believe feelings are unreasonable, it's how we act on feelings that make us unreasonable.
Also, everyone has different view points, in my situation, at home I can wear pretty leggings, I can also wear them out when I'm out having girl time (girl time is time when I don't have to be a man with my wife - probably a bit like a hall pass for a few hours a week).

While I can be feminine at home, wife prefers I go away, maybe an hours drive north or south (we don't have an hours drive East or West), maybe that's a better solution in your situation?

The underwear thing is from very different aspects… hers is about practicality your wanting to wear leggings is identity / desire so there is no hypocrisy.

The dream recounting and her reaction I think my suggests that she is aware of your attempt to open up on the subject and she is probably scared of where it might lead?

Supporting your partner in everyday mundane issues is not a reason to expect her to support your desires.
Dont get me wrong I totally understand how you are trying to link the behaviours but I think we often see things from a screwed perspective x

I shave my legs anyway as I'm a swimmer/cyclist, so the whole waxing legs isn't out of the blue.

I don't agree that the clothing is different, because it's all about comfort - for her it's a physical comfort, and for me it's a mental and physical comfort.

I think you are overthinking this. We live in a traditionally male-dominated society. A woman who wears men's clothing is cute. A man who wears women's clothes is humiliating himself, because he is renouncing the norms associated with his privileged, more powerful role. I'm not saying this is right but it's the underlying concept that has made crossdressing taboo for hundreds of years. Thankfully, young people are throwing those norms out the window. Unfortunately, we are not young people.

I agree with Monica, it is OK for women to wear men's clothes, but men may not wear women's. That is how the majority of people, including your wife, view it.

Her reasons and your reasons are different. You must recognize that, right? We can debate her lack of consideration for your reasons, but "You do it, so why can't I?" is not a strong argument.

Unfortunately that is life in a DADT marriage, is it fair, most likely not, but that is the way it is and is not going to change anytime soon.
I can totally understand your frustration

Isn't ok with necklace a big step for DADT?

This is the first time i have ever heard boxers are comfortable for running. Granted she has different plumbing but...

And yes you are being overly sensitive.

Until the DADT is discussed with some mutual resolution, one way or another, I don?t see much change. She knows you dress and appears to be blackmailing you, thus your frustration. You want acceptance. Understandable. Until resolved, the suppression of your trans side will continue. Let us know how things are going. Best.

I have to agree, Charlotte. It's categorically unfair on its face. But relationships are (way) more often than not unfair and imbalanced, with one person's definition of sanity slowly and inexorably becoming dominant. I know I can't speak for everyone but, in my experience, equality of expression in any serious relationship is a chimera at best; it's the unicorn we might chase after, but we are battling the unceasing drive for hierarchical dominance. The greater the absolutism, the greater the fear of stepping outside set boundaries, especially those which are seen as inherently sexual.

In my opinion, MonicaPVD's comment is a salient one. She highlights the double standard of appearance/dressing and its connection to a common power dynamic. What often stumps me is that so many of us step into a relationship completely aware of just how rigid these rules structures are, but then we decide that they can be broken unilaterally. And when that "break" is effected by what many SO's see as an overtly sexual maneuver -- after all, what else can CD'ing possibly look like to the outsider? -- well, then, the greater the SO's fear. The irony is that the very agreement to a DADT relationship should, interpreted literally, mean just that: "don't ask, don't tell". Not "don't ask, don't tell, with exceptions". When that happens, we're playing by the double standard ourselves.

And yes, again, it's categorically unfair. But aren't all commitments?

This issue plays like a broken record. The plain and simple answer is whether or not the wearer of the clothes of the opposite sex is trying to emulate the opposite sex. Is the wife portraying herself as a man? I think not. My wife is more comfortable with a man's cut of a tee shirt. The women's cut does not fit as well. So, she or I will buy her graphic tee shirts that are marketed for men. My granddaughter buys young men's flannel shirts and sometimes jeans off the Goodwill/thrift store racks because they fit her better; minimal hips. In the past my daughter bought men's jeans because men's jeans have pockets that are usable. The list goes on. Neither my wife, my daughter or granddaughter are/were trying to portray themselves as men. Once upon a time my wife attempted to appease my desire to wear women's panties by purchasing for me men's under shorts in the same fabric women's panties are made with. It did not work because the underwear was NOT feminine.

Your correct, she is judging you or the situation. I sense you're pushing the boundaries and getting push back.

Some things are warning signs in a relationship. Interpreting the comments of a spouse as hypocritical or disregarding your feelings is such a sign, whether well founded or not.

I don't know that you're being over sensitive, but you definitely are feeling frustrated, which seems to be manifesting itself in sensitivity. It may be time for a discussion and clear expectations agreed to.

I can sympathize with your SO. Of course she wants to keep you reined in. Comments you have made in the forum could easily lead someone to jump to the conclusion that you really wish you could transition, or at least be Charlotte almost all the time. She wants to keep this part of you confined and under control, so that she can keep the husband and father she enjoys.

A couple of observations that we can't control. The dressing in the opposite sex's clothes is a subjective issue. In some cultures it is empowering and much to our disappointment in western civilization it is taboo for male to female. Only acceptable for comedy, entertainment(drag) or by us(the CD community). And second the hypocrisy of women feeling entitled to dress in male attire has been cultivated over years and is socially alright except in a very few cultures. They have the reasoning that it fits in practically, stylish and empowering. So go figure, women rule in this aspect of life, do as I say not as I do. That certainly doesn't mean it's right or law but it does have consequences in to many cases such as marriages.

Personally, I think you're neither.

I think you're being extremely stoopid.

Your wife has made it abundantly clear she doesn't want to hear about your crossdressing. So what do you do? You tell her about your dreams. Why????

SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

Repeat: SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

Why poke the bear?

If she wants to wear your underwear, let her. Don't make comments about it. Unfair? Maybe. It doesn't matter whether it's fair or not.

You have this board to vent and gripe. Venting and griping to your wife has zero benefit to you, so stop doing it.

It's in your own best interest to follow the DON?T TELL part of DADT.

Count your blessings, and stop pushing the envelope. There are millions of crossdressers out here, just waiting for guys like you who push your tolerant wife just a bit too far, and then she will leave you. Then the rest of us who are willing to put up with the limits she sets, will have a chance with her.

In short, always look on the bright side of life; you know, the cup is half full instead of half empty view. Don't break the cup because it isn't full of beer; cherish it because what IS in it, is delicious.

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Originally Posted by TheHiddenMe

Personally, I think you're neither.

I think you're being extremely stoopid.

Your wife has made it abundantly clear she doesn't want to hear about your crossdressing. So what do you do? You tell her about your dreams. Why????

SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

Repeat: SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

Why poke the bear?

If she wants to wear your underwear, let her. Don't make comments about it. Unfair? Maybe. It doesn't matter whether it's fair or not.

You have this board to vent and gripe. Venting and griping to your wife has zero benefit to you, so stop doing it.

It's in your own best interest to follow the DON?T TELL part of DADT.

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That's your opinion, and you're wrong.

Charlotte as Aunt Kelly and a few others like Stephanie explained, your wife's reasons don't have the same deep ramifications than yours. Saying the two are equivalent is specious and you probably know it. A lot of CDers talk about double standards but I bet if the situation was reversed they'd get it in the blink of an eye. I'm not saying this in a mean way, but every time I read statements about double standards I see frustration and anger speaking, not logic.
It's obvious that your wife and you didn't have the conversation you should have had. Like someone said, she must be afraid to have it, to open that pandora box (and who wouldn't be afraid?). And until you have it you will keep venting about your frustration here (and that's okay). My question for you would be: if you ever have this conversation and come to an agreement, do you know how much you will be able to compromise? Have you identified the things you can't withdraw? The ones that would keep you frustrated in the foreseeable future and would jeopardize the agreement and the couple?
@SirDonna Agree.
@Paulie I always run with boxers. No particular issue with the plumbing.

Looking up women running and boxers it says
A favorite for woman runners stylish and comfortable, these durable underwear are perfect for runners who want to stay dry and chafe-free..

And like others are pointing out - it is not the same mind set . She is not wearing boxers to feel or look / act like a man. Could care less if they are from the men?s department.
So maybe over reacting. I am sure you realize that it is not the same .
I do not know your details and what you both agreed on for the DADT
So do not if you are just going on -she does not want me do do this so just hiding.
We really do not know your relationship or agreement.
Only guessing but from your posts I think you are hiding how deep this goes ( from your post she came home early, if it was where she knew it was your time to dress, you would not have to hurry and hide the evidence)
And
She is trying to keep it tapped down when you bring up things( like your dream and earrings) because she thinks that will stop it.
IMHO it will not but will make it worse for you, always on your mind and no time to have freedom.
So my advice to you like I always say take her to your therapist with you?..come to understanding.
My guess is you just want not to rock the boat, new baby and all but eventually I think you will have to .

These of course are from my relationship just as everyones answers come from their experience.
And members are just trying to help.

DO NOT Ask for or take marital advice on the Internet!

It doesn't matter if strangers on the Internet think you are being unreasonable or not. Their responses are not going to change things.

If your wife thinks you are being unreasonable and you want to continue being married to your wife, her opinion is all that matters.

That said, sometimes it is possible to slowly change a person's opinion over time. Lots of time and do it slowly.

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Originally Posted by Krisi

If your wife thinks you are being unreasonable and you want to continue being married to your wife, her opinion is all that matters.

That said, sometimes it is possible to slowly change a person's opinion over time. Lots of time and do it slowly.

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Krisi, did you just give marital advice on the Internet?
(Just teasing ;))

let sleeping dogs lie goes the saying, if I was you I would not try and raise the subject of you dressing, dreams or whatever. it seems to me that you wife is worried that she will lose the "man" in you, the man she married to be replaced by the "new woman". You say you are in a DADT situation, then leave it at that and don't tell her about your dreams and so forth. Be greatful for the fact that you can dress when she is out of the house and such like, dont rock the boat and push your position too much your marriage could come crashing down like a house of cards because your wife deep down wants the real you and not an en femme you.