taking inventory and stepping deeper into the closet

I probably don't have nearly as many clothes, shoes, makeup and things that goes along with CDing as other members of the forum but for me it's a lot. I think I have about a dozen pairs of heels and maybe 8 or 10 pairs of sandals. I have a couple dozen undies and maybe... i don't know, maybe a dozen outfits?... maybe. I've also bought corsets, breast forms, about 10 or 12 sports bras, foam for hip pads, a little bit of jewelry here and there and the makeup. Wow!.. have I bought a lot of makeup.

So all this crap of mine is stuffed and hidden in the trunk of my car, under the seats, in the glove box along with another big container of stuff in the attic of my house. Ugh... if I ever got into an accident I would be mortified. Such is the life of a closeted CDer. :(

Anyway, my wife was going to be gone for a few hours on Saturday morning so I pulled everything from my car and started fishing through it all with the idea that I really need to get rid of some stuff and a lot of it.

When I spread it all out it kinda made me sick. I mean I've spent a lot of money on things in the past couple of years. And even though it's all been purchased at thrift stores, it still adds up. Honestly, it's one of the things that is a huge source of guilt when it comes to CDing. I mean why???? I've spent so much money and for what? I don't go out. I've been out in public (if you could even call it that) two or three times in the two years I've been dressing and really it was only for the purpose of taking a few pictures for this forum. It was for a really really short time so it barely counts as "going out."

I don't know why I've done this. It's not like I have any dysphoria. Well, maybe there is some but it's so mild I'm not even sure it registers on the radar.

I guess what spurred this mini purge is a conversation with my wife about gender and sexuality. It took place over the period of a couple of days. It was strange how the dynamic of it went but I was somewhat optimistic on the second day.

I began thinking maybe I could come out to her about my dressing and tell her about the thoughts I've been rolling around in my head regarding gender as a spectrum. Maybe I could tell her where I think I might lie on this spectrum and how sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have facial surgery to look somewhat androgynous all the time.

We both have extended family that is gay, lesbian and/or bisexual. My wife is very accepting of all of them and I would say she is a strong ally to the LGBTQ community. So as our conversation turned to trans people, crossdressers and drag queens I was really surprised her liberal mindset turned inconsistent. She thinks it's (as she put it) "yuck". She says it's unnatural. She thinks it's gross. She believes men and women are beautiful in their respective ways but combining the two is something she is not attracted to at all and finds it repulsive.

(sigh) :(

So deep into the closet I backed in, just as I thought I could crack open the door, peek out and whisper "here i am." Instead, I will further attempt to minimize my CD /nonbinary footprint.

As a result I got rid of some things. I still have some of my stuff but it has certainly been culled. Not exactly a complete purge I guess. Not sure why I can't get rid of all it yet. I don't know. I guess wearing my girl clothes helps me feel like I'm attractive... it helps me feel like I look a little younger. Sometimes I get what I assume is a feeling of femininity and attempting to appear female helps manifest that feeling. Maybe that's why I kept some things.

Or maybe sometimes I just like to look pretty dammit!

Sorry for the long thread. Guess I just wanted to get this off my chest as well as let visitors see they're not alone if they're struggling in the closet.

So when I was digging stuff out from my car I found these red, peep-toe pumps and matching purse that I had forgotten about. They were my first pair of heels. Maybe I'll keep them a little while longer.
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I've seen this many times on the forum, the wife or partner seems quite liberally minded when it comes to alternative lifestyles, but as soon as they find out THEIR partner is CD or whatever it is a different story. My wife said many CDers come into the store where she works, and they seem OK. But once she said she would 'kill me' if she found out I did it. Such is life.

I am definitely in the same position, Sue and Diane. My wife is very supportive of the LGBT community, but she is vehemently opposed to my dressing. We do know some FTM people and have met MTF as well with no problem. The issue is, of course, the honesty (or lack thereof), although I believe she doesn't understand the CD activity.

On a different note, I love the red heels, Sue! :hugs:

I have always felt you and I were in a similar situation as me. Although, you look better and have a way better stash. The biggest thing is the way you describe your wife opinions. Mine is exactly the same, lot's of acceptance for LGBTQ friends but that doesn't go for me. I have a little acceptance with the shaved chest and BB Cream type foundation but other than that it's no way. She wants a macho man. Tried the painted toes a bunch but she just hates.

Long story short, slow the purge. I just purged for the right reasons (long story) about 6 months ago and am slowly building up again. This is obviously a part of you and you will only end up spending more money to build up again which will lead to more guilt?

Have you ever tried therapy? I often thing that if I could talk this out with someone maybe I could wrap my head around how to tell her.

Just to give you a ray of hope: When my wife and I first started seeing each other, she had expressed to me that she thought that crossdressing/drag/transgender was "yuck" and that she didn't "get it" at all and was kinda repulsed by it. These days I have to sometimes put the breaks on her wanting to buy me stuff (clothes, make-up, jewelry, etc). So it's not a total lost cause yet.

Sue do not purge you will only end up buying more down the road.
Do you have a crawl space you could keep things?
I am in a DADT state of mind. I know how you feel wife is very supportive of rights of lgbt people but that is where the line is drawn.
I have a lot of outfits and not able to go out so I dress around home and when I go out to see my kids and grandkids in another state.
but I do have fun when she is at work and when she goes away for the weekend oh how I love that time!!
my stuff is in our 2 spare bedrooms under beds and in a closet sweater dresses, long dresses and some skirts are hung up.
Sue you might want to find a more secure place than the trunk of your car or glove box just think of if you got in an accident or had to change a tire with your wife with you
just askin???

Leann

Sue compared to me you have a huge stash, please don't purge you will only regret it later and have to spend more money replacing everything. Purging doesn't solve anything and having less stuff won't change your feelings.

Sue,
OK you have to find a way to educate your wife, if you can't talk to her write it all down. Be totally honest no BS and to the point, how it started and how it's progressed , where you are now and what you feel you might need in the future.
As I replied to Judy the clothes don't dictate your CDing feelings they just let you and the outside World show how you feel inside.

A link has just been locked but you can still check it out , it's a pretty good explanation for most of us why we feel as we do , we are born like it so your wife is incorrect with the Yuck, it's not natural remark, to us it's as natural as any GG if we are to come to terms with our female trait .

I've stopped thinking how much stuff I have , I do go out on a regular basis now so I can finally justify the outfits I've been building up. Most of the items I've bought from charity shops, many things have also being given to me , I have a small allowance each month which keeps it in check.

So don't go purging too much, and don't go deeper in the closet, I never thought I would be going out the door and meeting so many people . So never say never ! It can happen if you really want it to and don't forget I'm in a DADT situation so it can still happen.

Sue,
I know that thee are many who will advocate full disclosure to your spouse. However, that is a risk vs reward judgement that only you can make. Perhaps I am a coward or perhaps I just know my spouse and the ultimate ramifications of such a disclosure but I have elected to keep Lacey a secret and in the closet she stays. As a result, Lacey has purged several times to avoid discovery and even though it has been costly and some nice things were lost, in the end it was not that big of a deal. Until you feel you are ready to cross that bridge with your spouse, perhaps it is better that you purge and not risk accidental discovery - let her find out from you, not the bra and panties under the front seat of your car.

Sue, please don't purge. You will regret it later. I know I will. I still miss some of my stuff that i had purged. BTW those are nice heels and bag. Its too nice to be purged.

But keeping your stash in car is way too risky. Especially if you share your car with your SO. Similar to you I can't keep my stash at home. So i do the next best thing. I kept it in a large suitcase and kept it in my office. I drape some cloth over it and place it under my desk. When my need comes, i just take the whole suitcase and bring it out. Of course i had another suitcase full of shoes and bags in my store.

Sue,

I don't know what to say. I mean I know what to say - it's the same thing others have said in response to your post, but it doesn't feel like enough. There's no easy path forward. Well, that's not entirely true. There might be and easy, at least acceptable, path forward, but starting down it is a risk, terrifying in many of it's possible outcomes. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders (not to mention a very pretty one :) ) and I am sure that you have weighed all that in your mind many, many times. I can offer no insight that you have probably not arrived at on your own. It is your path to walk, by friend. All I can offer is encouragement to keep walking and the promise to help you as I can, should you falter or stumble. You know how to reach me.

Big Hugs,


Kelly Marie

Sue, I share your pain. My wife is very accepting of gays and lesbians. We have a nice professional relationship with a married lesbian. She has a female cousin with a child who is transitioning from female to male. Yada, Yada. She knows I am a cross dresser and it has been DADT, really DADT, for over three decades. As recently as yesterday she made a remark about a question in the "Dear Abbey" column concerning a relationship with an former wife and her transwoman former husband. My wife's comment indicated there are some limitations to her acceptance to transpeople. I understood her point, but, it also left me out in the cold...so to speak.

Sue, if you're going to rid yourself of some attire because you have too much or they do not fit or they are out of style it is not a purge. To me purging to the unwillful ridding of clothing caused by self guilt or spousal urging under threat.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jennifer0918

Hey I feel you,and yes my SO is the same has a gay nephew, a lesbian best friend, and a bisexual cousin. When it comes to transgender, it's yuck thats gross and she gets ignorant will say something like "how come they don't play goodbye horses when those "trys"(her word for transexual ) come out ?" I think maybe she dislikes ts woman ,because some look better then her?

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Ps good luck with your life,hope it all works out .

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Stephanie 47 ,I read the same article and my SO also read it. I'm a closeted cd,her response after she read that article was totally negative, insulting, and hateful. Stephanie what is wrong with these wives? I did not expect so much hate from her over an article in the paper,before she left to work in the morning she even went as far to tell me not to read the dear Abby section I was half asleep so I didn't pay her no mind. I still read it anyways. Based on her response to an article about a transwoman in the paper,I will remain a coward,a lair, and a CLOSETED CD. ..
For peace of mind.and YUCK right back at her.

Thank you everyone so much for your responses. They are really insightful, reassuring and supportive.

Micki thanks for you story. It's very hopeful.
DianeF... your story, not so much. :D

Gabby, you're right. I've felt the same sort of kinship with you in our membership in the Sorority of Closeteers. Tina, you as well. Thanks for your comments.

KellyMarie... thank you. Thanks you, thank you... for checking in on me and your kind words. Thank you.

Stephanie, I really like that concept of yours on purging. I should probably clarify to everyone who has said, "please don't purge. It will just cost you when you DO replace them." Thee things I got rid of were things that don't fit in the type of style my femme side seems to be settling on. There were heels that just didn't fit quite right. I loved them but there was no getting this Barney Rubble fat foot inside that narrow thing. Some of it I just simply had too much of and was going to get me caught... I mean how many sports bras does a guy need??? :sw:

Which leads me to Lacey.
One of the things I like so much about the forum is the different perspectives and the insight and intelligence so many display in their comments. It often gives a point of view I might not have seen on my own. The ironic thing is in the times I've seen posts like this or something similar and the rest of the forum cheers them on with "you go girl" "if she doesn't like it she can leave" "full honesty in a marriage is paramount" type of responses, I am usually the one who sits in the minority saying basically the EXACT same thing Lacey did.

Lacey... thanks. Thanks for being that person who gives a little different perspective.

I really appreciate all of your responses. Thank you so much for the support.
Lotsa love, S.

Sue, I can understand how you feel. Like others on this thread we have members of our extended family that are gay and it's not an issue for my wife. MY dressing however is and we are very much DADT. I'm lucky though that I do get to go out occasionally but I'd love to talk to her about it. I can't and it gets me down. My best friend is also on this forum and yet it's difficult to have a telephone conversation with her at home. As for my stash, well I think amongst other items, 49 dresses, 9 skirts, 17 pairs of boots, 12 pairs of shoes. I've got quite a bit of stuff - all in a little place out of the way. My wife knows where it is and won't go and look.

I don't know if I can add more to the kind comments and good advice here but this chimes well with my own situation - another with a SO that has a widely different attitude to CDs than other groups. In a recent conversation the story of a CD who was discovered shortly after marrying into the family came up (again) leading to laughter and a comment: "But why would you want to do that!?". I sat quietly trying to think how to start to explain without giving myself away - maybe next time.

As for purging, I would echo the advice not to go too far. If I ever find myself in that frame of mind I think of how I'd feel next time I wanted time out in a way that only dressing can provide - and having nothing there :sad:

(I too love the shoes btw)

Hi Sue, this isn't a purge, it's spring cleaning. Big difference! Do it all the time, keep my stash small.

You touch on a variety of other issues and challenges to which I say, let's do lunch! Please let me know when's good for you. Hugs, Michelle

I'm in the closet and have received mixed signals from my SO. I hear her say accepting comments regarding various things, only to be contradicted a few days later. I have purged a few times and probably will again but I will never give up my breast forms no matter what. Oh and a pretty bra.

Hey Michelle... thanks for the offer. Hopefully we can do that soon. I'll let you know if (when?) we could meet for lunch.