Coping with children.

I have two boys from a 14 year marriage. One 8 and one 4, and I love them more than anything. Most people don't get that I transitioned for them, that if I didn't, they would have to visit me in a cemetery. And they still might.

In reality I have abandoned them, and I know this. They now live over 1000 miles away from me. I talk to them almost every day and get pictures sent to me when the ex has time to do that for me. I am current on my child support and never miss calling them on special days. I have flown out to see them a lot of times, but I fear it's not enough. For them, or for me.

I cry a lot when I think of them. I miss them so much. And I know this post is probably not coming off how I want it to, I'm just really emotional rite now. I just want to hold my boys and tell them I love them, and buy then a slice of pizza and just be with them.

I don't know if what I'm asking for is advice, or if i simply want to vent. All I know is than I'm in pain.

Sorry if this is not an appropriate place to post this. I'm rambling.

Then why don't you move closer to them?

These few short years are so important for them....and you.
What could be more important than them if you love them more than anything?

You did the right thing to transition. A dead father is worse than a live transsexual mother. I don't know why you moved away (of if your ex-wife moved them away), if it was part of your transition or unrelated, but if you're kids want to see you more, then I think you should definitely do what you can to be more in their lives.

It may not be easy, but it will be worth it.

Maybe you are just venting and may already know what you have to do. We don't have much information here to go on, but regardless of the path you had to take and the sacrifices that were made, you can always continue to change things for the better.

I agree with Bree.
I have a 17 yr old from my current marriage. His image of a father may be very different from most of his friends but he gets to have a father who is not afraid to be authentic, and alive.
I also have two grown sons that I never get to see and it tears me up all the time.
Do whatever you can to stay involved in your kids lives, you won't regret it. You will regret if you don't.

I don't think it's fair..to yourself... To say you've abandoned them. By your own words, you talk to them daily. That's real connection. You meet your financial obligations...that's real commitment. And you survived transition and so they still have a father. Had you died, that would have been a selfish act of abandonment. You live and you are there to the extent that your life allows. If you can find more ways to be part of their lives, that's wonderful. But don't beat yourself down..you're out performing a lot of fathers, even some who are living with their kids.

Build as strong a relationship with your kids as you can . Spend as much time as you can with them. It will make a difference. Life has a funny way of working out like that.

I spent years putting my kids on and off buses. Then my Ex died, no more buses anymore.

Seana

You definitely have not abandoned them. You made a decision that caused them to be separated from you, that is all. The decision was a correct one for the long run. I know contact is important, and it hurts. If you cannot move closer, can you get more contact time, maybe look into skype to get more face time with them. At that age they might love it and help make a decision for their mom to do it. This is the best place to vent, and it can help. Nothing we can do to get you closer to the children, sorry.

Barbara

When I was a tweenie, my father developed cancer. He had a heart-lung operation, and chemo, and was a bit better for a time but it returned. So he had another heart-lung operation, knowing he could die on the operating table. He survived the operation, but never made it home, and died in hospital somewhere around a month later. I was 13, almost 14.

My father had a choice: not have the second operation, linger for a bit, and, barring a miracle, surely die from the cancer; or have the operation, risking death from the operation itself and from the complications, but also being willing to go through the pain and suffering in hope of getting better and living for us. He made the best choice he knew how, and took the painful road that had the best long-term prospects... and he lost the gamble. Never once, though, did I feel that he abandoned us: he fought to stay in our lives.

To tell the truth, I did not understand how he was fighting for his life, not until he died: my parents had not made it plain how bad shape he was.

Your sons will not really understand your situation unless you make it plain. On the other hand, they are of an age where matters like this are more to be "accepted" than "explained". Continued love goes a long way towards acceptance.

I have an 11 year old son and a 10 year old daughter. I do not know the particulars of your situation, nor do I know where your ex-wife and kids live. What I do know is this, kids do better when they have both parents in their life. And just as importantly, both parents do better with their kids in their lives. I know you can't have the fairy-tale we all hoped for when we got married, but less than ideal is better than emotionally empty. If you need your kids closer to you and can't move them to you, then the logical thing to do is move closer to them. Best of luck.

Anna

Abby i hope you are ok, and i hope your kids are ok...
you didn't abandon them, no one wants to see you abandon hope because of this.

is there some reason why you had to move... i know a trannsexual that moved across the country to transition and then realized it was unneccessary and moved back...

if your life situation allows it, you can always go back

its definitely true that your sons do not want to know how bad you have it,

but they want to see you thrive, and that is regardless of your femaleness...their dad is a girl as my kids say...and the best thing i did for them is NEVER EVER let them know how bad it was, and always keep my chin up no matter how sad i felt about the divorce ..kids want their parents i am sure they want you..even if they don't say it out loud..

Thank you all so much for the responses. Thank you for being there.

As long as you are keeping some kind of contact. Abandoning one's kids is when someone doesn't even know where their kids are nor cares.

But yeah one does miss their kids.

My son is about 1,000 miles away and have not seen him in about 3 years. We talk sometimes.
With one's kids, I don't know if it is a good idea talking about transition or not. I am sure there are varied opinions on this. Of course even though everyone who knows me from my past knows my gender status, but with the men in my family, I just don't talk about it with them.