Coming out to friends

I have a very close friend that I work with. We usually will get lunch together at least once a week depending on how busy things are. Since getting to know her, I feel that telling her wouldn't necessarily impact our friendship. I have almost told her a couple of times during lunch but never had the chance. I told my fiancé that I was thinking about telling my friend about it and her reply was "Why?" She brought up some valid concerns and she really is looking out for my best interest. My friend works in the same department as I do and we know and talk to a lot of the same people. If telling her backfired, I could lose a great friend but also make work extremely uncomfortable. I don't think she would ever betray my trust but if it were to come out to others, I definitely wouldn't be happy about it. I guess the point of this is why do some of us feel the need to tell all the important people in our lives? I guess it depends on the situation. Sometimes I just wish I could get it all out there to the people who matter the most to me so I can finally be myself all the time but I know realistically, that isn't going to happen. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who have had positive and negative experiences. Feel free to share, I would appreciate it.

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Originally Posted by Ryce

... her reply was "Why?" ...

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That is always my question to those who want to tell someone other than their spouse. Are you doing this for them? or for you? Do you plan on going out with this person while dressed? Does this person need to know because of some special living circumstance? Doubtful.

If it's for them, tell them. If it's for you, don't.

Hello. I think the urge to tell the people closes to us is that we get tired. Tired of be gaurded. Tired of being vague. Tired of limiting ourselves around them. About what you ask? About everything. Fashion, the clothes at red carpet, trends, shoes etc etc. we as a group tend to be more touchy feely and emotional. But when we have this facade up we tends to swallow those conversations.

My best guess is that that is why we want to tell the people closer to us. So we can honestly let our guard down. That is what we do with friends. Real friends. We are honest. We joke. We laugh. We cry. We gossip.

I tend to keep my work and personal life separate - not just with cross dressing but with most things

Hi Ryce, Read line three in my signature a couple of times.

Hi Ryce,

Telling others like telling your SO is something you have to be very certain you can live with because once the bell has been rung it cannot be silenced. I am completely out to everyone (family, friends, work) but that was my choice because I did not want to spend all my time pretending to be something I am not . . . I am TG and if others know and don't like it that is their business but I choose not to hide and that is my business. Telling one friend though can have consequences even if you completely trust them as the secret could get out. So my advice is (take it for what it is worth) if you don't mind the possibility of others knowing then go ahead and share. However, if you wish to keep this between your fiancé and you . . . I would keep it close hold.

Hugs

Isha

I think that your gf gave you very good advice. It also is usually a good thing to heed a gf's advice.

WHY
will it make you rich and famous.
take your fiancés advice and let sleeping dogs lie :)

there are a few people in my life who I would like to 'know'..
However, if one of those few leaked it out, and everyone knew, the SO and 'family' would be befuddled..
The wife is accepting, but doesn't want the immediate family to know.. Be careful in how you approach it..

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Originally Posted by 2B Natasha

I think the urge to tell the people closes to us is that we get tired. Tired of be gaurded. Tired of being vague. Tired of limiting ourselves around them. About what you ask? About everything. Fashion, the clothes at red carpet, trends, shoes etc etc. we as a group tend to be more touchy feely and emotional. But when we have this facade up we tends to swallow those conversations.

My best guess is that that is why we want to tell the people closer to us. So we can honestly let our guard down. That is what we do with friends. Real friends. We are honest. We joke. We laugh. We cry. We gossip.

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I think this is really what it feels like to me. I feel like I'm suppressing most of my personality since I've accepted myself.

If you are not fully prepared for everyone at your place of employment to know, then I would respectfully suggest keeping your dressing to yourself. Even if your friend is very discrete, the temptation to share a juicy bit of gossip of this type can be overwhelming. For your friend's sake and for your job security, it would probably be best to not invite trouble.

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I guess the point of this is why do some of us feel the need to tell all the important people in our lives?

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Well, it's a hard thing to keep completely secret, even though better judgement says don't tell anyone ever! Not telling the truth about one's self is actually a form of lying. Too bad we're not in a society where honesty in all things is most important. People get fired, divorced and unfriended for being honest about things besides crossdressing. I'd have to feel very close to someone to tell them I'm a crossdresser. But even then, that person would have a hard time not sharing the secret with one other person. From there the bell will toll for all to hear!

I've learned that people at work are just that . . . people at work. I wouldn't share with them because of that. They remain friends as long as we remain employed in the immediate vicinity of them. If you lost your job and were no longer there, after a while the interest would wane because a common bond (the job, the company, the department, etc.) no longer exists. On the other hand, I find if I make real friends outside of the workplace, they are really more friend than anyone from work.

Wow, I am surprised at other's responses. Hmm... I am curious about how many of them have actually come out to any friends, or anybody for that matter. I know for me, that at one time I did not want others to know because I was afraid. Afraid of what? Afraid of what might happen. Afraid of the unknown.

So... why did I choose to come out to the friends that I did? I was tired of being afraid and thinking that I needed to be. So far I have told four couples and a single male friend. All of them went great! There have been no negative consequences and actually only positive things have come from it. One of the couples included a coworker. She is now my favorite person to shop with, other than my wife. Another one of the couples included my sister.

What I wonder is, have I been extremely lucky? Do I choose good people to be friends with? Has it been due to how I have come out to them? Who knows. All I do know is that most likely I will continue to come out to those around me. Oh and no, it is not so that I can live my life as the real me, a woman; which is not the case. It is so that I can dispel the myth that I need to be afraid of being honest.

My wife is the only one who knows i dress. No one other then her needs know. I don't need them to know. I you feel everone must then tell them. If it doesn't go good would it be worth it.:hugs:
Angie

I would not tell your friend and coworker. You stated that if fellow workers found out it could be uncomfortable for work relationships.

Nadine, that's an interesting perspective but here's the difference: you are telling them so that you can be Nadine with them. Hence, they need to know. What I read in the many,many posts about wanting to tell others is that it ends there. They wants to "tell" to "unburden" perhaps.

As as I have written many times, if you are telling for them, then tell. This is what you have done.

The friend being a co-worker definitely complicates things. I've talked to some of my wife's friends and family with some success, but they are very separated from the people I work with and from the people from my side of the family that I wouldn't want to know at this point in time. For the most part though it really just comes down to how much you trust your friend to keep it private and that is different in every situation.

I would first of all heed your fiancé. You need her agreement at the very least. Second, isn't it possible that you can be yourself, regardless of how you're dressed. The challenge is be the person you are, allow yourself freedom of expressing the inner person, whether the clothes are present and whether or not the people around you know.

There's something else to consider in Ryce's case: her fiance has reservations about telling others. Perhaps the fiance wants it to be "their" secret. Or perhaps she's afraid the word will get out and she will take heat for marrying a crossdresser. Whatever her reasons, she is concerned.

Ultimately the decision belongs to Ryce. But as a kindness to the fiance, it would be nice to get her on-board before telling others.

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Originally Posted by Jenniferathome

Nadine, that's an interesting perspective but here's the difference: you are telling them so that you can be Nadine with them. Hence, they need to know. What I read in the many,many posts about wanting to tell others is that it ends there. They wants to "tell" to "unburden" perhaps.

As as I have written many times, if you are telling for them, then tell. This is what you have done.

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Hmm... some yes, some no. I have only dressed as a woman with one of the couples. But you are right in that I told them for them. I thought it might make them a bit more comfortable in knowing where I am coming from in all of my gender non-conforming behaviors, which I do all of the time in all areas of my life. One of the women actually asked Jules, my wife, if I was transitioning and I thought it best to try and explain my reality.

I do agree with you about not coming out to others to unburden oneself. Except for the case of unburdening yourself of a fear of others. I really do not believe that we humans need to fear each other as much as we do. True it is foolish to be fearless and reckless, but we are way more fearful than we need to be. Cautious yes, fearful no.

Ryce,I agree with your fiancee, why?

There is no need to share your secret with anyone.

Thank you all for you input. It is nice to hear both sides of the argument. I've gotten to be really good friends with this person outside work as well. She wouldn't be someone I feel would betray my trust but it is possible. I often feel I hold myself back sometimes in conversations probably because I still feel I need to maintain my outward male appearance in public and at work. Considering that I have my fiancé's support, I might be starting to care less what other think. That being said, I think the point of making sure my fiancé is OK with anything regarding this part of my life is paramount. I'm grateful for the feed back and support.

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Originally Posted by Jenniferathome

. . . What I read in the many,many posts about wanting to tell others is that it ends there. They wants to "tell" to "unburden" perhaps.

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Hi Jen,

What is wrong with unburdening yourself by telling others. I have come out in some cases because when I go mainstream, the chances of running into people I know is a probability and I don't wish for that awkward moment. It is also cathartic as I don't wish to hide not in my relationship or in my life. When I am at work and people know I can be me and should I choose to dress as Isha at work then that is now a choice open to me. I don't see the harm in unburdening yourself if you have a need to do so. However, everyone has to understand, like telling your SO, telling others comes with a price and you may have to pay it should you choose this route.

Hugs

Isha

Once you tell someone your secret, it is no longer yours to keep, it's theirs.