Active in DADT?

Hi all. Is anyone "out and active" at home in a DADT or strained/unsupportive relationship? I'd like to underdress, wear slacks & jeans, tops, scarf, flats or boots, some light makeup, jewlery around the house. I'm not looking for fancy dresses, heels, and wigs on a daily basis. Wife doesn't approve. Can't see a change in her, and if I press, it would likely end the marriage. I know she knows I dress when I get a chance. I ask because I'm really feeling the need for change. It's too hard hiding all the time; holding it all in. Kathleen time has been severely restricted since starting a new job with different schedule 3 months ago. I know the answer lies in open communications, but her anger and resentment come out quick. I hate to abandon 25 years, and ending the marriage would be devistating for us both in all other things.

If you do get some permission when you are together, how did that happen? I'm open to ideas.
So sad right now.
Kathleen

Have you asked her why she gets so angry and resentful when you try to discuss your dressing with her? To me, that would be the first thing to work out. Find out why or what is bugging her. Perhaps there is more to your relationship than meets the eye that needs work first.

My wife went from "Hell no!" to DADT to accepting in a year or so, but we were both willing to talk and we had a decent relationship before hand. Our relationship was worth saving, so the rest was communication.

Maybe your wife wants the "man" she married. You, my friend, have a decision to make--which is more important in the l-o-n-g run? Dressing, or keeping your marriage intact? Personally, I'd choose the latter option.
Jon

It?s hard to say about your case. Some wives may come around to compromise; however, my wife is one of the zero tolerance types. She will never give in to any dressing at all. Just having a pair of pantyhose would land me in the dog house so if I want to play dress up it has to be in secret. You just never know for sure but your wife sounds like mine. Anyhow there will be a day of reckoning if she ever finds my stash. I will get roasted so I have to be careful.

Sandi

At this point I don't think what someone else did or didn't do is giong to help you.

After 25 years you should know your wife. Is she likely to change her position on this?

Maybe you should try counseling? It may help to find some answers.

I was in a DADT briefly, my wife will never accept this and I just couldn't control it. So it all ended after 30 years. My marriage was already over, this was just the final straw.

I my case talking and being honest with my wife. It helps that I support her in all things.

I agree that no one else’s situation will mirror or model your own. I am in a DADT relationship and it is hard. My wife knows that I underdress as it is obvious that I have limited male underwear, she sees my panties in the laundry, and sees my bras in my underwear drawer. I sleep in women’s pajamas. However, if I was to start wearing overtly feminine outer clothing around the house without first discussing this with her and clearing the way (and she would object for sure), it would be like a slap in her face and an invitation for a stand-off (that I already know I would not win without losing too much). Somehow some women view crossdressing as wrong and/or a violation of their womanhood. Seemingly, no amount of discussion or pleading can change certain minds, certainly not my wife’s....I have tried. I advise against simply starting to wear more fem stuff at home. I predict that will backfire big-time on you. Good luck, Nancy

Fir my wife and I therapy has helped and continued to help immensely on my ability to present at home and with many other things.

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Originally Posted by NancyJ

I agree that no one else?s situation will mirror or model your own. I am in a DADT relationship and it is hard. My wife knows that I underdress as it is obvious that I have limited male underwear, she sees my panties in the laundry, and sees my bras in my underwear drawer. I sleep in women?s pajamas. However, if I was to start wearing overtly feminine outer clothing around the house without first discussing this with her and clearing the way (and she would object for sure), it would be like a slap in her face and an invitation for a stand-off (that I already know I would not win without losing too much). Somehow some women view crossdressing as wrong and/or a violation of their womanhood. Seemingly, no amount of discussion or pleading can change certain minds, certainly not my wife?s....I have tried. I advise against simply starting to wear more fem stuff at home. I predict that will backfire big-time on you. Good luck, Nancy

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Yes, funny that...

Isn't it ironic that with GG's abandoning "traditional" women's clothing in droves in favor of masculine type- or masculine-inspired clothing...some of the more "liberated" types even pride themselves on the fact that they don't own any skirts or dresses, and as for pantyhose, forgeddaboutit...yet when a man wants to wear such clothing they totally freak out and see it as an assault on their womanhood.

Go figure. What's good for the goose is not necessarily good for the gander it seems...

I'm in a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage of almost fifty years. It's deep DADT. She does not want to discuss it at all. Total ostrich position. Her stance is represented by one statement made decades ago, "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!" It's as simple as that! She married the guy she was presented with. When we had "The Talk" she said, if I wanted to attend a support group that would be alright with her. At the time I looked, however, none was to be found in my area in the early 1980's. She knows I dress in women's clothing when she is not at home. She has no idea as to the extent of my wardrobe.

So, the issue comes down to whether you want to force yourself onto her or find some other alternative way to spread your wings. Frankly, if your wife is so resistant to your cross dressing I would not recommend pushing it in her face. What will you gain vs what will you lose by sitting around en femme in her presence? I can understand the lure of being en femme 24/7 and going out en femme. In the past I have had the opportunity and did it for seven to ten days every year when our daughter lived in the mid west. My wife is fully retired now, and, my daughter lives locally. Aside from my wife doing some overnight babysitting there is diminished opportunity to express myself. I'm sure if there was a local support group for aging cross dressers she would not be resistant to my attending.

I can only recommend you and your wife sit down and discuss the matter. Sometimes the inability of express oneself builds up a lot of angst and frustration to the extent the anticipation exceeds the actual event. From your prior posts it seems you have ventured forth in the past. Perhaps spending an evening at a hotel will satisfy your needs.

Kathleen,

If you figure it out, please let me know :)

I worry about what will happen after retirement. Right now with my wife's work schedule there are usually 2 or more opportunities a month to dress. I imagine after retirement I might have to ask for time to dress, probably involving her leaving the house and being clear about when she will be returning. Of course any such discussion would be a violation of the DADT agreement. And worse, any planned time for my dressing would raise her anxiety knowing exactly when I'm dressing (though she could guess now, it isn't explicit). So as uncomfortable as it is, that is probably my best option.

Good Luck,

Nyla

Thank you, all. I really appreciate your thoughtful input. It's clear I'm not alone. I know I'm not, but it sure feels like it so often. Especially when I have so many thoughts banging around in my head. Clothes to wear. What I'd like to buy. Places to go. Being out in public. Wonderful daydreams.

As a follow up, I would never start dressing in front of my wife without her permission. That would be the slap in the face you mentioned, and lead to nothing positive. I continue to try and find a way to talk. I suggested we get out of the house after being shut in from the cold, with the intention looking for a conversational opening. We went to lunch at a favorite eatery, but I didn't want to ruin one of the few nice times we have together. (Coward? Or being the "man" she wants me to be? Yep. Yep.)

Again, thanks for your support. I'll keep trying to figure out a way out of the DADT culture. I hope the final decision doesn't have to be drastic.
From the heart,
Kathleen

Good call on keeping the CD discussion out of your lunch out. That is not a conversation I would want to have in public.

Also keep your options open. I don't think you are talking about ultimatums, so good...don't want to paint yourself into a corner.

Something I did, which was very difficult and at a strained point in our relationship, was to tell my wife that I decided for my own sanity that I am accepting this part of myself. And as part of this self acceptance I was going to wear panties from now on, including sleeping in them. I wasn't asking her permission, I told her what I had to do for myself. I know she didn't like it, but she didn't push back, but she was a bit distant for a while. But like I said things were strained so really not much different. She understood that I had made up my mind. Of course I would have liked to go further, but tried to keep it to the minimum I could live with. She now appears to accept this new reality, but has said she really doesn't like me wearing pink or lots of lace (how much is too much lace??), so around her I keep it to more plain styles in order to help keep the peace.

I'm not saying this will work for you, decide for yourself if this is a viable option. In my case I felt pretty secure that my wife would avoid divorce at almost any cost. The biggest risk was the emotional toll it might take.

Still, years after that experience we had a big blowup over my crossdressing where she said in no uncertain terms that she didn't want to have anything to do with it, didn't want to know about it, didn't want to ever discuss it. So she drew the line on what she could handle. I still wear panties, but hide everything else. That is where things stand today.

Shortly after we were married I shared with my wife my affinity for women's undergarments. For the first several years of our marriage she was ok with it. She would buy me new panties on occasion and would pass along to me anything that she no longer wore for whatever reason. I was perfectly happy with the arrangement and she seemed to be as well. This all came to a screeching halt when the local paper published an article talking about crossdressing. I don't recall the premise of the article but it was full of misinformation and myths. She decided that my underdressing was only the tip of the iceberg and could only lead to be becoming completely gay or deciding to go for a sex change. It has been a very slow uphill battle since then to get to the DADT relationship that we have now. If it's possible to have the conversation perhaps you could ask her what, exactly, are her concerns. I am not able to have this conversation with my wife. It would only trigger her.

hello Kathleen,
early in our marriage my wife asked me why I was so unhappy. I eventually found the courage to tell her. Her reply was "is that all, it's only clothes, I thought it might have been something serious". My wife really does not mind - but she has never asked me why or how I started crossdressing.
I dress at home some evenings, I under-dress "in public" some days.
Most importantly I would not do anything to embarrass my wife and family.
I don not know if that fits your "active DADT" scenario?
luv J

Hi Kath,
I am in a DADT relationship.I agree throwing 25 years of marriage away would be incrediably difficult especially over CDing.

In my case, I am hoping after my wife returns from vacation and we have "the talk" things will improve.I am hoping that since she is only 34 and a nurse that she will be fairly accepting. Years ago before we married she said who would have been a surrogate mother for a gay couple at the hospital but she said she wanted to have real sex to get pregnant not invitro. The gay couple said no, to that so she said no to invitro. So hopefully she will be ok with the talk.

For me DADT is beginning to look like "Divide Assets, Divorce Trans-spouse". My problem is that I'm not "only" a crossdresser, I'm transgendered. And she knows.

I hear you Kathleen - I am in a DADT relationship. I was one thinking that when i get married, my CD'ing would all stop. Nope. It stayed in hiding until my wife found my collection after a moving to a new house. She was sort of accepting at first, but also very angry since I was not the person that I presented when we got married. And then it all blew up ten years ago..after joint therpy for two years, the therapist said there was nothing more she could do for us. We exists with each other now. More like brother/sister. Zero intmincy. I dress when I can. Especially on business trips. I envy those that have wives that are accepting. 27 years of marriage here. I think the generation of today is more accepting of CD'ing then my generation. Wish I could give you some ideas, but can't .