Major Steps

I've been a member of this site for a few years, and have been primarily a lurker as I have been dealing with of personal issues and depression. Throughout my life, as seems to be fairly common for many, I have been unable to find a way to identify a label that describes my gender dysphoria. Deep down, I've always felt that my physical gender doesn't align to my actual gender, but this has also varied over the years during certain periods of my life.

Over the past 10-15 years, my dysphoria has been much more clear in my head and heart, and I have been struggling on my own to gain clarity.

Anyhow, I just recently started counseling for a myriad of issues including depression, anxiety, and gender dysphoria. I've only been seeing her for a couple of months now, but today we made major progress in my enlightenment. I was able to finally acknowledge and admit that I am a MTF transsexual. I have been stifling this for years out of fear of losing the things in my life that I cherish and the inherent change that will happen as part of a transition; either full or partial. As of today, I have had enough trust established with my therapist, along with the self reflection of who I am, want to be, and need to be, to be able to admit to myself and to someone else.

Where in my journey this is going to take me is yet to be written, but to know that I have a clearer view of my map is such a relief.

So happy you have clarity. May your journey also be clear!

Thanks, Lauren. The admission was scary, yet an extreme relief to not be burdened by the lies I have been telling myself all these years. Now I can focus on understanding who I really am.

I've seen the same sort of thing happen with myself when I finally accept something that should be obvious but I've been in denial. The emotions can be pretty strong at times like that, so keep in touch with the counselor as those emotions can color the way you look at problems and make decisions. Overall, each time we learn a little more of the truth about ourselves it's a victory. I wish you many more moments of clarity and endless victories.

LisaKaren,
Stopping that cycle in your head has to happen , so now you can move forward , I would guess your only regret is you didn't do it sooner , we spend too much time going round in destructive circles . I know I wasn't a natually depressed person but ended up on Prozac , it was just trying to paper over the cracks and not being allowed to find the truth , how I had to fight for counselling . I'm so glad you've finally made it .

Sarah and Teresa,
Thank you for the kind words of support. Luckily, I’m seeing my counselor twice a week right now, so there’s not a huge lag between visits.
The denial has been pure hell. I have been going through cycles of depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, and self-loathing for so long, that it’s hard to enjoy the pure joy I’m feeling right now. But, I have been beaming all week regardless, since saying the words out loud to my counselor. I’ve experienced moments of clarity in the past, but not to this level of self honesty, but it always has led into the downward spiral of negative emotions. This time I feel different though. I’ve never experienced this level of relief and internal comfort with myself, ever in my life.

I try not to live with regrets, and recognize that all of my decisions, both good and bad, have led me to who I am today. I do wonder what could have been had I been honest with myself sooner and younger. Results from transitioning at 18 instead of my now age would have been better, but then again, the world was a much different place for us back then.

my therapist mentioned the song below when we were discussing opportunities lost. i knew when i was 20-22, but buried it. and really, in the grand scheme of life, mine probably turned out much better having waited.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YLjJgI92f8w


I’m going on a year of complete self honesty about what i am, and doing fairly well. i’m past the shame and really just dealing with the dysphoria that comes with a glacial transition.

I too can completely identify with you LisaKaren! While I told my therapist after a psychotic breakdown at 19 that I wanted to be a woman it did not help one bit because then it was just related to as part of my mental illness. So I internalized this view until about 10 years ago, when I began to accept a different perspective on who I was. Now therapy has been helping to set me free from all the shame and self hate and I began a journey towards transition that I could have begun 50 years ago! Like Nikki wrote, no regrets! I am happy for you that you have come to an understanding that now is the time to be set free from old constructs and embrace a path that will be open and freeing to you.