TG forums, the good and not so good

I think this forum and others are great places for we who are in this crazy gender variant TG situation. It gives us a "safe place." We often are able to not feel so alone. To be able to freely say things that we often cannot otherwise. To vent, to cry, to laugh. Make friends.

So too though, I think these places are not always good for us. I am no stranger to internet forums. Especially on forums, and generally in the virtual world, social media.... people are able to put up a great image of themselves. While I am not calling out any one individual here, it is pretty much a guarantee that there are and have been members here and other TG sites who will present this wonderful image of themselves. How they are out and about and the world smiles and gushes with joy for them. Their partners sooo ok with anything and everything. Not that these things don't occur, I know that they do. But it is the extent of which, and how some people present themselves is what I am referring to. If I was younger, or perhaps not experienced on forums, I can see myself getting quite down about myself in regards to my gender variance, how my wife reacts to it etc etc.

We have seen this before too, lots of encouragement from many members to get out, to tell their wife and families, Live the life....and it all goes to:edit:. The members who did not fare so well likely wonder what they did wrong, and begin to feel down on themselves and thinking they are the cause of their lack of acceptance, that the sun does not shine down on them as it does for so many others.

The reality is that the sun does not shine down for many who are in the spectrum. More marriages than not struggle with it. Some end because of it. Some families get torn apart, some friends alienate, co workers etc etc.

This is not in any way a call for us to go back to the closet or to not come out. Just a reality check. If it was all just roses and sunshine, there would not be a need for these forums with all of the anonymity. There would not be all of the struggle, the mental health providers who so many of us have visited. Depression many of us have been in or struggle with. The substance abuse some of us have suffered through on route to our acceptance of ourselves.

Those who have paved a way out of the depths of despair can help those who are drowning in it. While there is a greater acceptance today then the 30 some years ago when I was entering adulthood, today society can still be very hard for us, and the accepting wives are still a minority.

For those of us struggling with our partners about it, and not receiving the sunshine from the rest of the world we have read about, remember it is the internet, and we wouldn't be here if it was all just sooo wonderful, and neither would they.

I would presume to know what one else should do with their life choices - i have gotten a lot out of reading the posts in this forum.

Amen Girlfriend! I am to terrified to go out in public so have to hide away indoors

Gendermutt,
It is very easy to think another members life will relate to your own, the forum does us more good than harm but sometimes you have to learn to take comments with a pinch of salt.

I know I wouldn't have gone out into the world to meet other members of the TG community if wasn't for meeting Carole on the forum , I never dreamed it would have happened.

Sometimes I feel the problem is members are reluctant to reveal more details about themselves, I always try and question their age and married status , it's too easy to give wrong advice to the wrong person through not knowing those details. A single person in their teens or early twenties is going to have a totally different set of circumstances to someone in their forties with a young family, or in my case discovering so much about myself in my sixties.

I know it's been said repeatedly that we're not professionals , all we can pass on are our experiences or pose questions to help us and others through a situation. We mustn't forget we have all lived through it, some have suffered far more than others , this is what a help forum is all about , sharing what we live through.

I know what has helped me and I'm more than happy to pass on the facts, it's no help to anyone giving them exaggerated stories, in desperation some members are going to act on them and walk into a dreadful outcome.

I've said that comment myself that we wouldn't be here if we had total acceptance , which sometimes would be a shame but maybe that's partly wrong , there's also a social side to the forum and I for one would miss that now.

GM,

Good points. What people present has a lot to do with the reasons they are here, and their general outlook on life. No one is ever 100% transparent. For some this is therapy, others an escape, still others a chance to show off.

I my self have done all of these. If you look back at many of my posts, I try to be upbeat. I do not lie about my life, and occasionally I will post where I've had a problem or issue.

As far as my life problems, I keep those minimized. First, y'all don't need another problem any more than another hole in your head. Second, I think I've represented my wife's discomfort as well as her love for me in a way that doesn't disrespect her confidentiality. Life IS a bowl of cherries, watch out for pits and a half a worm.

-Your bud,

There's definitely a good side to these forums. I believe I have learned how to navigate my marriage better due to this forum. In general, I feel better about myself due to this forum. I am not doing the glass half empty thing entirely, but, some members will say how difficult their marriage is, or how difficult it is to find accepting partners, or forming a relationship is when they are upfront about it. Or family member issues. Some have been physically assaulted while dressed. It depends a lot on circumstances for a particular person. Someone in an area of higher acceptance will not understand why others struggle within their own communities, or why their wife has such issues. The more fortunate person then will feel that the non accepting wife must be some close minded person who has many conditions on the love of their partner. That the person who has struggles with society is just being too afraid. While their IS a truth to this, so too is the truth of the person who struggles with the lower acceptance, which is in fact more common overall. Less so then in years past, and it is improving no doubt. Also true, is that there are people on these sites who present life far more appealing than their actual reality. Internet boasting takes place everywhere, even here. I feel there may be unrealistic expectations from some due to this. They need to understand WHY their partners are having difficulties, and that when they read about the glorious accepting partners, they need to realize that it is not the norm, and perhaps just take it with a grain of salt that it may be a bit of an exaggeration besides. If I were to go out and about in my community in the day time, I do not fear violence, but the reception would be awkward at the least. I would no doubt be the recipient of some unflattering comments from some of the redneck dudes, giggles from others, some harsh stares from many, and just a general awkwardness. I have seen it with my own eyes, for those who brave these chillier waters where I live. It is a rarity to see someone dressed where I live and there is a reason for that.

In my community, there is a general practitioner who works with TG. She is very busy due to the lack of doctors will are willing to take on such patients. And she has talked about the difficulty of her patients going to see her who have to go stealth to do so. My area is not the norm either, more of a pocket of lack of acceptance within a greater area known for its acceptance, but areas like mine are still common. Again as I had earlier stated, if I was younger, perhaps less experienced with forums like these, I can easily see myself getting real down due to my circumstance and wondering why I would struggle and what I am doing wrong when I read about how it all goes so well when you go out and own it, how my wife would be fine so long as I do it right.... and it would all go spiraling down real hard.

Maybe, if your wife was ok with it, you could go to a private support group in your area. That might be something she would understand? Maybe?

There is no support group? But there is an overworked counselor that you know? Hmmmm? Now this is ballsy, and maybe stupid, but what if... What if... you were the agent of change. Hard? As hell! Cost? Personal. Reward? Maybe in ways you cannot even fathom.

There are support groups about an hour away. It is an MD who is busy with TG patients. There are a few counselors in the area who will list it among their areas of study, but none here who specialize in it. The hour away place however does have one very prominent mental health practitioner. I think there are more than that, but one prominent one in particular and she has a few people who work with her.

My wife and I have worked out a pretty stable place with all this. It is not a DADT arrangement. I do not dress in her presence as per her request. It is talked about from time to time. She is respectful to me about it all. I consider myself lucky in that regard. It has taken a bit of work to get to this point.

I don't see how you can blame ones substance abuse on CDing.
More than likely it was there prior to coming to grips with CDing

I honestly don't have to be here or on any other social media site as I'm good with myself and so is my GF. We accept each other for who we are. The reason I hang around here is that I have friends here and if I can help just one person with what I have experienced, it's well worth it. It's never all "sunshine and unicorns", but the fact is that life is what we make it, regardless of our situation. Just because we accept ourselves, everything isn't going to be "peachy" in any case. A lot of it is about who we are as a person. I do know that what we put out we get back. Whether it's positive or negative is totally up to us. :)

What you say is fair, GM. I guess being an optimist and being one of the lucky few, my luck with my SO and where I live can make others feel down. I do get occasional harsh looks, and I ignore them, preferring to focus on the smiles, which outnumber them, I don't go out wandering late at night all the same, prudence wins out.

xxx Pam

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

I don't see how you can blame ones substance abuse on CDing.
More than likely it was there prior to coming to grips with CDing

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I know my drinking had a lot to do with how I felt about myself. And my sobriety has been successful so far due to my acceptance of myself. Not everyone will have substance abuse problems due to being TG. I was merely using it as an example of some of the hardships people can and do go through

Gender mutt you have brought up some great points for many here and me being one who came here several years ago looking for support it has been good and bad for much much like you point out.
The good for me is I did get encouragement to go out and explore the world as Leigh even knowing that I did not pass 100 percent I got encouragement to go and I did find that many while they don't embrace me they respect me as Leigh.

Now for the bad, yes it has put a major strain on my marriage and as you point out I really thought if others could make it work with a not so on board spouse I know I can .
This has not been the case for me, my wife however has been way more acomadating and tolerant than many here over our
30 plus years of marriage.
So yes while I've put up a front of happiness at being here I've sufferd as well at the choices I've made but in no way could ever blame this site or any other such place.
I've made good friends here who encourage me but still it's always been my choice how far I take things with my gender variance
Leigh

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Originally Posted by pamela7

What you say is fair, GM. I guess being an optimist and being one of the lucky few, my luck with my SO and where I live can make others feel down. I do get occasional harsh looks, and I ignore them, preferring to focus on the smiles, which outnumber them, I don't go out wandering late at night all the same, prudence wins out.

xxx Pam

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Pam, I don't know if you or anyone else necessarily will get someone down. Gives hope, I hope. But, while I think you deserve tremendous credit for yourself and your relationship, there are others like you who won't have it go as well. I have traveled enough to know where I could go and most likely have very pleasant interactions going out. I have seen and know of people who are very open minded to TG people, enough that they would likely be ok having a partner or family member. Acceptance both from individuals and communities is definitely on the rise. There is plenty of proof of this, but also that there is still plenty of proof of non acceptance which still reigns strong. I think in your case you have always been one to be thankful for what you have, but not all present themselves in such a manner.

Another crazy analogy on the way- Poker- two equally talented poker players, but the one with better cards is going to win more money. Sometimes you have to know when to fold the bad hands.It's not that we stop playing when we get bad hands, we just wait for a better hand. TV poker shows all kinds of mad bluffs, great for entertainment and drama, but in reality the guys who win the most do so not justthrough bluffing, but of making the most with the good hands they get. Bluffing is a part of the game yes, and a lot of people watch it on TV and get all crazy with their bluffs and go home empty handed, cursing their bad luck that someone else had some unbeatable hand.... It is about how you play what you have and sometimes you have to wait for a better spot....

What I've come to understand is that just about every variation of gender identity, family circumstances, work situations, age, sexuality and location is represented here. That is the nature of the community. We are everywhere and doing just about anything that you can imagine. To me, that's a very positive thing as the world at large is not just one thing or the other; it is Many.

How ones life goes is position, as well as time sensitive. Case in point is that my 2nd wife has been with me through all of my gender identity discovery. She has been consistently supportive and has been to some transgender related functions with me. As I've said in other places, I really couldn't get dressed without her as there are some things that I can't do related to some physical challenges. If she wasn't on board with what is happening, she would make herself very scarce when I get dressed.

I said time sensitive as I know that if I was still with my 1st wife, none of this discovery of mine would have happened. She couldn't deal with my bisexuality, but as it turned out, that was only 1 of 3 or 4 reasons why we divorced. But, I'm pretty certain that had I known that I was really transgender at the time, that by itself would have been sufficient reason to separate.

Anyway, what I've realized is that I am extremely fortunate to have the circumstances that I do. Sadly, everyone is not so fortunate. Had it not been for my wife's support over the last 10+ years, my life would be very different. I would not have joined the transgender/crossdresser groups that I did back in New York State. I would not have outted myself to 200+ people 8 months ago. I would not feel that it was OK to join a transgender advocacy group here in our new hometown and be out and active.

I try very hard to fight the temptation to give advice. I will make suggestions, outline a thought process or recount a story from my past or someone that I know. Reason being that I don't want to be someone's excuse for failure: "I did what you said and now it's screwed up worse that it was before...". This something I learned with my kids and it definitely holds true in adult life. If you want to take the credit when things go well, you also have to be willing to accept the responsibility when things don't. It is not my purpose to absolve anyone from those responsibilities.

From time to time, I will share information about a change in my life or something that I did. However, what often feels very important is to talk about what I experienced. How I perceived an event, what it meant to me, what it motivated me to do or how I now understand something that I didn't before; that's what's important. My professional career spanned a bit more than 43 years. In that time I did some really neat things in some really impressive places, but there were also times when I took some really bad hits; some self-inflicted but most not. I can't change the fact that the muggings happened, but at least if I can recount them and offer possible strategies to avoid those situations, it gives some purpose to having those negative experiences. From my observation, it seems that many here have the same thought process.

DeeAnn

I am not aware of any "safe place."

I have to agree with GBJoker about not being aware of any "safe place". Even on here, people can be very hurtful and insulting.

safe place as in a place to talk openly about crossdressing or any other gender issues.

I don't feel safe speaking/typing my thoughts or opinions about crossdressing and gender/transgender issues here. There's a new-ish sticky here concerning a recent topic that I won't dare post in. I won't even bother applying for the Safe Haven section.

I don't care to project a pretty image of myself on here. I don't deceive people in person, and a combination of not understanding why doing it on the internet and general laziness is why I don't wrap my posts and threads in a nice little bow on any random forum. But because of what I think, what I believe about various topics, this forum (and a few others) strengthens the loneliness felt when I interact with others. People on this forum have to be a certain way, or posts get deleted, threads closed, etc.

All the sadder, since I've decided to write my masters thesis on Native American's attitudes towards the LGBT community (especially after reading my new book about Red Cloud) and if/did it affect their relations with expanding Europeans. All the sadder, because the most common desire I've seen expressed on this forum and others is to not be pigeon holed or categorized as a certain way. Oh wells.

PS: As for SO's becoming accepting over the past 30 years? Psh, that was inevitable. :p I join many others here in cheering on the SO's more than the CD/TG/TS's.

Interesting thoughts GB. I can see somewhat where you are coming from. One thing I am not always in agreement with is the pressure to get out and present to the world. Tell people, be open about it all. Everything will be great if you "own" it. That may be true for many places these days, but not all. I happen to live in such a place where things would not go well for me. My wife struggles it quite a bit. I have gotten to a place where she respects me about it all. She gives me time. I cannot continue to push for more. That won't go well. Considering where she came from with life in general, its quite amazing she is even with me at all.

safe? i'd feel safe IF most of the forum were private, but anyone can read almost all the forum, and if they work out who one really is ...
if there's one thing the forum needs to change it is that members-only get to see almost all the subjects/threads

Pamela,
I'm inclined to agree with you on that point, I feel the easiest solution would be a subdivision of M/F section so members could have the choice to be open to all or only seen by members. I have used Love Ones section in the past simply because of this reason .

I am closeted and do not get to dress that often. I think it is wonderful that people get to go out! I can not due to certain considerations and agreements. I will know when is the time for me to go out dressed and it is not now. All the dialog about going out must be tempered by the individual as they are the ones who know their situation! This forum is extremely helpful to everyone concerned with it. I have learned so much about so much from this forum. Some rain has to fall to make those roses grow! Best regards to everyone. Just my two cents!!! Hugs all around Lana Mae

While not all things will be rosy taking a balanced assessment for me shows that, and I can only speak for what I see on this forum, having this resource is a good thing.

I do not always agree with others views or opinions but that's true of any group of people. Yes there are those who will strongly advocate telling your SO is the only way to go or just put on your best dress and walk out that door. It's down to us as individuals to assess the advice given based on our own individual circumstances. Just because someone says they walked across a busy 6 lane road with their eyes shut, at night, dressed in black and nothing went wrong is not going to tempt me to try it for myself.

I'm also conscious of the number of times I've read comments about the advent of the internet was a lifesaver. Folks who felt utterly and completely isolated thinking they were the only person who felt the desire to dress enfemme. Finding this site has helped me enormously. I've grown in confidence and have achieved things that have made my life both richer and more fulfilled.

Are there things about this site that somehow annoy me; yes. Is it perfect; no. Am I glad it's here; you bet.