Interesting conundrum coming up... do I tell Mom?

No sooner has my son left the nest and allowed me my full femme expression (no more hiding my wardrobe) or having to clean up after myself in terms of makeup left in full view, panties and bras on the floor, skirts and blouses hung with great care and...
My Mother, who is in her mid 80's, is coming to live with me for awhile, until we can find more suitable accommodations. I certainly welcome her presence although that will put my dressing, one again, in stealth mode. That has not been the case for the last 6 months or so of my life where I can spend the entirety of my at home life en femme. I have enjoyed every moment.
I don't begrudge her presence in any way. I love her dearly and it's the best for all at the moment.
My conundrum is that, as a young child, it was her panties, slips etc that first piqued my interest in cross dressing. It was 60's style lingerie and I really enjoyed trying in on for size. It didn't fit very well as you can imagine but it felt good and it felt right as most of us have experienced. It started my life long desire to cross dress and for that, I will always be thankful.
Like many, I was caught by Mom.
She didn't fly off the handle or attempt to belittle me in any way. I don't think she knew what to make of it really but the important thing is that her admonishment was gentle and measured. She tried to explain to me that little boys should not wear women's clothing and that was basically that. It was between her and I and she allowed me to maintain my dignity rather than expose me to my father or the rest of the family.
I've managed to lead a somewhat accomplished and respected life and I feel that I owe much of that to her. I almost feel like showing her my wardrobe and telling her that despite any worries that she may have had at the time, my love of all things feminine has never left me. I feel like telling her that I know no more now why I love to wear feminine things than I did then but that's just obviously the way that I'm wired. She is proud of me as her son and I just feel that I should show her some gratitude for the respect and compassion that she showed me many decades ago. It somehow feels more genuine of me if I told her. I'm pretty sure that I won't but it's certainly something that I am pondering...

If I were you I would not subject a person in their mid 80s, essentially in the twilight of their life, to the mental gymnastics required to process the fact that their adult son likes to dress up in women's clothing. She might take it well, or she might get very upset. Is it worth the risk to you? Wouldn't be to me.

I agree with this. There are times when some people just do not need to know. I would not tell an elderly family member.

I think Monica's advice, with Kitty's second, is spot on. It's just a temporary arrangement, and if you can hold off or at least be discreet as you were when your kids were around, it would probably be to everyone's benefit. It's always tough when an aging parent comes to live with a child, even without the CD question-I've had that experience. Both of you must make accommodations. It's not like you are being dishonest with your SO, just being discreet with someone who you may love but really does not need to know. You have enjoyed your freedom, and you will again.

I would not bring up the issue. However, if she brings it up I would not tell her any falsehoods. You may think she has no knowledge other than what you described, but, decades of ignorant bliss? I doubt it.

The year my wifes 80 year old mother came to live with us, while we found her suitable living accommodations, was the year from hell! Dressing or not, good luck!

My mum is about the same age as yours and she hasn’t keeled over from knowing what I do. A lot of people in their 80s are not as brittle as we assume and are quite often at peace with more things than younger folk; seems like a tremendous time to share.

As one who now lives to the right side of 80, a suggestion…wait. Get an idea of her mental and physical health and use that on which to base your decisions.

Your instincts are to keep the secret during her visit. Unless the subject somehow comes up in conversation, its just as well to let it be.

One suggestion, anyway?

Guy-mode it.


Wear one or more outwardly visible articles of clothing, purchased from the GG-side of the aisle.

And nothing too wild or femmy... No pink, floral, frilly stuff. And no skirts or dresses.

At least at first. :devil:


No make-up. No wigs. No fake boobs. Etc.

Just you, presenting as your male self -- while wearing at least one something somewhat feminine. Jeans, slacks, top, leggings, flats, whatever.


I don't know what your wardrobe is like, nor what you like to wear.

Do you ever guy-mode it? Do you ever mix-&-match men's & women's in one outfit? :strugglin


If so, you already understand. :wave2:

If not, then why not give it a whirl?


May be a good way to compromise while slowly breaking the ice. :)

I agree with Monica.

I don't see an upside for you. Dress in your bedroom and close the door.

well if it really is a temporary solution and there is the possibility for you to make some space for this side of yourself. i'd say you don't need to.

There are 80 year olds that can handle this and 20 year olds that can't.

I held off on telling my mother since I had been hiding it from everyone until covid happened. Then she passed and I'm still a little sad I didn't get to show her my whole true self, she was in her 80s but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't 'get' it right away but it wouldn't be her personality to be very upset.

Guess what I'm trying to say is you know your mother, we don't, if you think there'd be kindness and acceptance then go for it. Sounds like she was good about it way back when, she might be just fine with it in these more enlightened times.

(And if any of my kids come across this somehow in 20 years, please don't treat me as a fragile creature who needs things hidden from me, thanks!)

Erin,

I'm taking your comment that it's your home life that you spend enfemme as indicating that's the extent of your dressing and you're not going out in public.

If you've plans to go 24/7 and live full time enfemme, then that's something which would pose the question of do you visit your Mom while dressed at her new accommodation. If the answer is no then as most others have said I'd not broach the subject unless say, your Mom finds your clothing and asks about it. Then you'd need to come clean.

A few years back for some strange reason I wanted to tell my mom, I don't think she would have been totally surprised. She caught me a few times when I was younger and I'm sure I wasn't as neat as her putting her stuff back. My wife gave me the same advice as everyone here did, why put this on her at her age and as much as we all would love any kind of approval from there parents but all around what would it really prove.
I took her advice and left it alone.

This is tough. You want to be honest and genuine but respectful too. As one who has lost both parents, enjoy the time you have with her. Make the moments count. If you do decide to dress around her talk with her first to be sure she can process it.

I am 71. When I am 80, in nine years, I don't want people pussyfooting around me and lying to me because they don't think I could handle it. I'll be the judge of that. I had a respectful relationship with my mother, but it wasn't really close, because we grew up in an era when people didn't communicate their inner thoughts very well for some of the reasons stated above.

My son, who is 34 , and I are close, because he knows the crap I went through and I know the crap he went through.

You know your mother best. Unless you are seeing signs of cognitive decline, don't assume she's too stupid to learn.

After reading all the varied comments, I find myself undecided on the matter. I have siblings in their 80s and they remain quite sharp and perceptive?but then longevity runs in my family. But not every 80 year old is so fortunate.

The other thought that recurs is that I know my mom knew when I was a teen. My siblings and probably my parents knew something was different, (I knew it had something to do with acting unacceptably feminine) as a preschool age earlier. I spent a good deal of my life trying to project a contrasting image of masculinity, but I have not forgotten the feeling (the specifics evade me) and I wonder if my siblings have forgotten, or simply written it off as a childish behavior. Mom has been gone 8 years now, so I can only speculate on what she remembered?but I know she had a very good memory.

the question for me becomes, even if everyone knows or suspects, and their suspicions were reinforce by very loud comments made by my ex wife, is it proper or even worthwhile to acknowledge the pink, pigmy elephant in the room at this late date point?

Only you can have an idea of how your mom would handle the news.
I can say that were I in your position I would sit my mom down and discuss it. I'm fairly confident that my mom would be open to it.

Good luck no matter what path you choose.

I made a comment above (#5) as to advice to the poster. If it were moi and my mother had to move in with me I'd be sure to be en femme as much as possible to upset her as much as possible. Growing up she was an outright bigot. She fully expressed it. She knew, although never confronted me in my teens, and tried to catch me "in the act." If she and my father had caught me "in the act" I am sure I would have been expelled from the family. I'd be sure to be totally en femme to irritate the shit out of her. Maybe, that would encourage an early departure.

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful opinions, very much appreciated!
Perhaps I should have been a little more clear in what I was driving at. While it's very unlikely that I will say anything, it's not about being unable to dress with Mom around. It will only be a few months or so and I've gone years (many times) in the past. I wouldn't dress in her presence anyway, it's very much a solitary pursuit for me that I have grown accustomed to. So, off to the storage bins with all of my feminine finery! (Which is really too bad as I've really put together some very pretty outfits)...
It was more a matter of being genuine and of being thankful. When my father passed, he absolutely knew that I loved him but I regretted not thanking him more explicitly, for the times and instances where he showed his selflessness in order to benefit the family. I've learned so much from that man and he really knew what was important in life... the little things... I really don't want to squander that opportunity again although I realize that this is an entirely different kettle of fish.
As an aside, I guess this nostalgic trip down memory lane was partially prompted by a recent purchase. I had grown frustrated with stay up thigh highs (which is one of my absolute favorite things to wear) and flimsy, although pretty garter belts. I looked through the archives for ideas and arrived at this very pretty retro high waisted panty garter which I love! Does the trick and feels incredible and could have been plucked out of Mom's lingerie drawer decades ago. I guess it's a kind of homage to my initial foray into the very blissful art of femininity and the thoughtful and tender treatment that I received. For that I will always be grateful...

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You have all of my empathy and good luck wishes on this, Erin! While I don't recall ever being caught by anyone, including my mother, during my earliest remembered efforts at crossdressing some 55 or so years ago, it certainly was my mother's slips, pantyhose, panties and high heels that introduced me to the exquisite (if then ill-fitting!) pleasures of lingerie and all manner of feminine clothing, and how absolutely natural and appropriate it's been for me ever since to be dressed as a girl, then as a woman, 'all girled up', even if there have been very long stretches of time here and there in the desert of male dress with no opportunities or wherewithal to be en femme. While she had no direct hand in it, I too am grateful to my mother and to her garments, for being, aside from the gift of being wired or inclined the way I am from birth, my gateway to what you've wonderfully described as 'the blissful art of femininity.'
I'm now at a time in my life when, though I work as a man and am 'out' to only one ex-girlfriend on the other side of the world, I'm able to live inside my home as a woman, and go out en femme virtually daily, and I'm grappling with whether or not to reveal this very real, very large and very natural, euphoric and comforting part of myself to my mother, who'll be 94 in a little over a month. I mostly believe that she wouldn't be able to handle it, given her cultural and intellectual background (incl. a propensity for believing in the dictates of Irish-flavoured Catholicism, and worry about causing her stroke or a six-pack of heart attacks. Of course I don't want to take her intelligence, especially her emotional intelligence, for granted, and would like to give her all the benefit of the doubt, but do worry about the Pandora's box that I might be opening.... quite apart from my fear of exposure and humiliation and all that, of course. I've educated myself quite well in so many aspects and issues of crossdressing, transvestism (I'm one who has no problem with being called or calling myself a 'transvestite'), transgenderism, 'gender politics', trans realities, etc., that I feel way more capable of dealing with any potential embarrassment or humiliation to myself within my family than I might be capable of dealing with causing my mother undue stress and mental hardship in her last laps around the course. So I suppose I also relate when you say you think you're unlikely to reveal to your mum, but you're thinking about it... **Sigh**

(Speaking of resources, I might mention that I'm now reading 'The Transgender Issue: An Argument for Justice' by British trans author and journalist Shon Faye, and can highly recommend it, if keeping up on the state of things for trans people anywhere on the spectrum interests you.)

Erin, My mother in her late 70s asked if I still crossdressed. I said yes. She changed the subject. However, that is something I would never brought up with her. Don't burden your mother.

Crossdressing can be a selfish pursuit at times, as can many things in life. Ask yourself, would it benefit my mother to hear that I still cross-dress, after all these years. My mum passed without us ever having such a conversation. I am content with that, though I am pretty sure she knew any way and that she was happy with that.

Tough call. You have to decide what's right for your situation. Where else could she go? She's kind of cornered into complacency if you feel that's a good thing. My mom has changed over the years. She never liked to mingle in our lives. Now it's even less.