Coming out to my mom

This post is going to be a little long, because I feel like the questions I have are not something a person can answer without a bit of background. I will understand if it is too long for some of you to read. My only request is that you only reply if you are able to read the whole original post. The things I say in one part of this post can be taken out of context if not considered with the rest of the post.

A few years ago my mother moved in with me due to her declining health. She is somewhat independent most days, but she would not be able to handle being on her own without at least some help on most days. Some days she needs much more extensive help. She recently spent a couple of months in the hospital, and it was during that time I started to explore being Jasmine a bit more, and discovering that this was more than just a clothing fetish. She has been home for about a month now.

My mother and I have always been close. She has always been supportive of me. Due to circumstances that are irrelevant now, in my teenage years she found out about my "lingerie fetish" and she didn't condemn me for it. She didn't seem to understand, and I was not very forthcoming about the subject due to the general embarrassment about being caught with such things compounded with the fact that it was my mom talking to me about something sexual. Since I didn't talk to her about it she didn't ask about it again.

I think my mom has always been relatively liberal in her views. At the very least she seems to have an attitude of "it doesn't matter what you do in your private life, as long as it's not hurting anyone". Or at least that is how she sees other people. Still, being indifferent to people who live an alternative lifestyle is not the same as approving of it. For the vast majority of people in this world, I would be content to have them be indifferent to me. For most of my friends, I wouldn't mind if they were indifferent about my crossdressing, as long as it wasn't active disapproval. If I ever told my best friend about this part of me (and I am not considering telling him in the near future), it would hurt if he wasn't at least somewhat supportive. I have no significant other at the moment, so that is not an issue. However, my mother's opinion matters a great deal to me.

In addition to how much her opinion means to me, if I tell her, we still have to live together even if she rejects me. I love my mother unconditionally. I am the only remaining family she has. If I don't take care of her, no one else will. Because of this, it terrifies me to think what could happen if I tell her I am a crossdresser and it turns out she is not okay with it. I could live with a DADT situation if it came to that, as long as she didn't outright reject me.

On the flip side of this I think of all of the positive things that could come from being able to talk to her about being Jasmine. I wouldn't have to lie about this important facet of who I am anymore. Sure, it is a lie of omission, but it is still a lie. I would be able to talk to the most important person in my life about the most significant thing that is happening right now in my life. Lately, it seems like we aren't connecting with each other on an emotional level. I feel like this could potentially be a bonding experience for us. We could have a "girls night" or even go shopping. I have discovered we even wear the same dress size. Other positives include more practical concerns. I wouldn't have to do laundry secretively. I could just do it. No more worrying about her finding a pair of panties that don't belong to her in the dryer.

Before I finish off writing this post, I want to reassure everyone that I will not be jumping into this without a lot more thought and discussion. Right now I am just getting some ideas out there for some feedback. I don't see this conversation with my mother happening any time over the next few weeks. I am just trying to plan ahead so that if/when I do discuss this with her I will be as prepared as reasonably possible.

Hi Jasmine,
I have read thru your post. It can be a tricky situation wrt coming-out to a parent, especially if you live together. At least there are already some positive signs for you in that your mother has some knowledge of your past ventures into CDing and that she is quite open-minded.

Maybe you could sort of test the water a little bit. I don't know about your general appearance, but perhaps you could try a few small things first (eg: feminine jeans or tanktop, or maybe some feminine jewelry) and see how she responds to that. If she hits the roof, then she is highly unlikely to react well to the idea of you fully en-femme. But if that doesn't cause a difficulty, then you could slowly progress to things a little more feminine.
It is even possible that at some point, given what she knows from your past, that your mother may raise the subject herself if she sees you wearing something subtly feminine, which may make you feel more comfortable about opening-up to her.

You are certainly right to take your time over this, avoiding the dangers of sudden, irreversible revelations.

Whatever you ultimately decide, i hope for a happy outcome for you. :)

How would it work to begin by asking her what was her reaction years ago to finding the lingerie? Then the conversation could be directed based on her responses. This would let you have control on where the discussion would go and how fast. Wearing something feminine sort of lets the cat partially out of the bag without a way to put it back.

Lack of connecting on an emotional level could be a function of her age.

I'm with Laura, that seems to be a great way to break the ice

It seems to me that you have enough history to at least initiate a discussion about your cross dressing with your mother. Mothers seem to know more about us than we realize and love us anyway.

Good luck both as a crossdresser and as a care giver.

Hugs
Ellen Jo

Given what you say about her lack of family alternative, I'd say she'd have strong incentive to be accepting, wouldn't you?

What she feels privately may be another matter, but I'd focus on pragmatism rather than ideals.

Unfortunitely, Mom's come in many types. Not knowing your Mom and basing my suggestion on your word picture, she might be loving and accepting when you eventually tell her. One of three things may happen. 1) She outright throws her arms around you and tells you she will always love you and accepts whatever makes you happy. 2) She tells you she never wants to hear this again and tells you to stop. 3) Or like my mother who I talked to after she found me sleeping in a white nylon full slip when I was 19, "Don't worry Honey, once you have been with a woman this will go away." I do hope that whatever happens it will not upset the obvious bond you have with your Mom. You are obviously a very devoted son.

I don’t really have much to offer as far as advice. I do wonder why she needs to stay with you. In my thinking, if it’s dementia or Alzheimer’s, having a “third” person around the house, it could be confusing for her.

............er um mom do you remember when I was younger, I had a thing for lingerie ? ,,,,, .... well I still have........ect. ect.
Go ahead initiate the conversation , - I think she may not be as surprised as you think:idontknow:............................Debra

I can agree with Laura Bring up the conversation of what happened in the past see how it goes You can always say you don’t do it anymore or you can come clean and tell her how you feel look at it this way you’re just talking about the past at this point specially fact that you say you two are close and that should give you ideas on her opinion it’s just like walking up to somebody you know and asking their opinion on people that are transgender especially now days you read it on the news and on TV I wish you luck

Like others,
Mom, do you remember me talking to you in the past about my liking for lingerie andtake it from there.

You will need to find a suitable moment to bring this up, not just out of the blue.

Being her only surviving relative you may be at an advantage.

Jasmine,
I know there is an age difference and our circumstances are slightly different but it it helps I have a thread running in Loved Ones at the moment dealing with this question.

Jasmine,

By all means, tell her what she already knows. Trust me, Jaz. She knows. She's a Mom and they have powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal humans. Even if she hasn't said a word, she knows;.... instinctively.

I spent a lifetime wrestling with my gender and orientation issues. Due to the social pressures of the time AND some amazing life opportunities that presented at the time (1970s), I made a very conscious choice to put aside my feminine and possibly gay (I thought at the time) side. Suppress it, and try to abide within normal straight culture like a normal guy. But I did so at a terrible cost to my self and my soul. And "it" never went away.
I went on to enjoy a successful 30 yr military career. About 2 yrs before I was to retire I was having lunch with my Mom. She was gushing about her Naval Officer son, her big hero, and how proud she was. And she said, "I am so glad you turned out the way you did."
That statement smacked me like a Mark 82 JDAM on target. I knew exactly what she meant by it. She had always been worried that her sissy son would always be a sissy; that I was gay or worse. She knew my feminine self existed. She always knew, and never said a word.

She is passed away now. Lord how I wish for the time; another face to face day for me to tell her everything in my heart and all I went through for my inner femininity. To tell her the truth. The shame, denial, guilt, joy, beauty, utter fear.... all of it. She would understand. She knew her little boy.

Jasmine a bit of a long reply to go with your long post. Please bear with me as it it is relevant. I ended up coming out to my family for a number of reason because there were questions I couldn't answer without the truth or spinning a huge lie. At the time I was liveing by myself so no worries there like you have. There were times family and friends of family would drive past my house when I was outside, and see the woman at my house.to clarify I am not saying I pass so good family wouldn't recognise me even some what close but from a distance and in a moveimg car sure add in darkness not a problem. So the questions about the girl prompted 'm me to just come out.
I come from a fairly religious family and dressed ever telling any of them or them finding out. But I had two options the truth or an elaborate lie to explain away a girl who had been seen at my house many times and no body has met. I choose to come out and it wasn't without thought so I kind of know where you are at here.
To my surprise I was shunned or told I was going to hell or any of that. They were very understanding,both of the cross dressing and how hard it was to tell them. My dad swears to this day twelve years later him and mom didn't know anything about it. Even though my mom kept finding hers and my sisters clothes in my bedroom.
What I hope you take from this is family can surprise you. She is your mom and has already had some inclination of you with girls clothes and it doesn't seam it was a big deal to her. If she knows it is important to you she will probably be ok with it.
This of course is my two cents worth based on my own experience.

I could not and did not come out to my mom, though now I deeply wish I had. She moved on in March 2000, and I came out to my then-wife and grown kids - and to myself - later that year. I could not do it while she was alive. And we had a great relationship, and she was an educated and liberal free-thinking person, and my lingerie fetish began at her knee, and in her bureau drawers. And I loved her dearly. But I could not and now I do wish I had had the courage.

Good luck to you and your mom girl.

I read your post several times....And then read it again


I love my mother unconditionally. She helps others, involved in her church, and a good person. I look up to my mother.
I had a good childhood.. My father the artist... A bit of the hippy before his time .Taught me about wildlife . plants, art, days at the Smithsonian in DC , festivals,,,ect...I looked up to my father and he was a good man...BUT... I related to my mother more. Maybe it goes back to why some of us are who we are.....Not all of us, but some of us... I looked up to my mother and wanted to be like her. I never had a sister, although if I did, perhaps she would have been a lot like me,

That being said, I understand her opinion means a lot and it still does me as well.
I'm out to my mother, but not by choice. I was "outed" to her by my exwife when she found out. but I wished I could have told her myself.

I'm not sure how old you are, but I would suggest doing things she likes to do....dinner, watching a movie, ect...Don't make it a big deal. and perhaps hint a little to gauge her reaction, but only go with what YOU are comfortable with, and just see where it goes.
I am by no means an expert on this, and many girls here could probably tell you better...Its just my thoughts.

Id say, hint and let her know and see where it goes

Thank you for all of the wonderful replies.

Micki_finn, you bring up a very valid point. In my case, my mother does not have dementia. Her issues are centered around physical limitations. Terrible back problems, frequent illness, breathing problems, and more recently a broken leg followed shortly thereafter by a heart attack. While she has had it rough, thank god she still has her mind.

A couple of people have pointed out that she is stuck with me and that this might make her more inclined to accept me as Jasmine. I disagree, and take that one step further. If I really felt like I would be forcing her acceptance based only on her being dependent on my help, I would NEVER tell her. It might be a factor for how accepting she is, but I cannot even consider that as part of the equation. When I decide on whether or not to tell her, I put this in the "reasons to say nothing" column.

Others have suggested that mothers have a way of knowing things. In general, I absolutely agree. In my particular case, it may be true as well. It is something to think about.

I will be testing the waters with some relatively innocent questions/statements. I am keeping my eyes open for an opportunity to say something.

Jasmine Rose, I told my mother about four years ago, she felt kind of hurt that I had not told her sooner. She said, she felt like a bad mother, because she was not able to help me before now. (Never know what they will say) I am glade I told her. I am sorry your mother has so many problems with her health, you may want to tell her while you still can, I think you and mom will be a lot happier after the talk. No easy way to do it, just sit down with her and say mom I have something I have to tell you about me and go on from there------ Marsahlynn

I'm with Ilene and Marsha here. Could it be that you're overthinking about this? Seems pretty clear that she knows for the most part, that she loves you, and that she respects you. Life is short. You're not telling her you're a serial killer, you're telling her that her little boy also happens to be her little girl as well. I told my aging parents Along with my siblings, and their acceptance has been stunning and freeing. Good luck...

I agree with all that have pointed out that the discovery of the lingerie when you were young means that she already knows and still loves and accepts you. She obviously doesn't know everything, but she knows enough to start the conversation--if you want to.

Personally, I'm in a situation where my Mom knows, but we haven't had "the talk" about it yet. Someday we will, but for now I just love knowing that she accepts me for who I am. I know that she knows because I was out with my first wife, and they had multiple phone calls after the divorce and I'm sure it came up. There are other reasons I'm sure she knows as well, but I'll spare everyone the long version :)

I can only tell you what I went through and what might help you. You have to make the decision.

I grew up getting dressed in my mothers, sisters, and neighbor girls clothes. My mother knew, but refused to acknowledge it. At one point when I was under great stress I came clean about my CDing. Later in my life where she knew I was wearing women's clothes I asked her if it bothered her. She said for a while, but she accepted it. We are closer today than before I told her. We don't discuss it. I dress everyday and it is simply facts.