Still questioning

Hey everyone, it's been a long time since I've been active on the forums.

I was hoping to get a bit of insight into your lives pre transition.

Last year I went to gender counselling for 6/7 months, I went to a psychologist for a diagnosis who was happy to do so. I booked a consultation for laser hair removal which turned out it wouldn't be effective due to my hair colouration and I felt rather disheartened.

I knew laser wasn't entirely permanent and because I was questioning I felt it was an easy choice to make over electrolysis incase I came to the conclusion it wasn't for me.
I went on a holiday shortly after this and when I came back I decided to try and man up and put all this behind me and it would all go away. 2 months later I was on anti anxiety pills which I've been on now for 9 months, they're keeping my head above water but that's about it.
I went to a new counsellor last week, one not specialising in gender so there was no pre beliefs or motive perhaps.
I'm trying to take stock of my life; I have a job, I have a savings account, I've friends, Im about to enter my final year of college next September so everything is looking fine but I still feel like something is wrong and I don't know what to do.

I can't remember the last time I crossdressed, I stopped posting here, I shut down my Facebook account and essentially pushed away that aspect of myself yet I can't get away from transitioning, it's been on my mind for over a year, almost every day and I can't tell if it's causing my issues because it's not the right choice, or if it's causing the issues because it is the right choice.

As I said I can't remember the last time I crossdressed, I haven't worn makeup or anything of that aspect but most of my thoughts are on my gender role and shift into my body.
This evening on the way to bed I looked in the mirror on the stairs and could see a female face and I just felt like crying but couldn't and I just don't know what to make of this. I can't tell if these thoughts are genuine or a by product of anxiety or depression or something else.

So my question is, what were you like before deciding to move forward?

Thanks in advance

Ultimately this is unfortunately a question for which you'll have to discover your own answer. What I can tell you is this. The doubts you described, the self-imposed hiatus from dressing, the crying over your reflection in the mirror, these are all things that I've gone through and I suspect many here have as well. To me, based solely on what I know from my own personal experience, what your going through sounds eerily similar to what I went through which I ultimately determined was simply denial. It was some internalized transphobia (I really didn't want to admit I was transsexual), but it was also me fearing the unknown, trying to hold on to that which was familiar even if it was painful because in the end the familiar still has a comfort level over the unknown. The unknown is risky, it's scary, it's different where the familiar we already know the risks.

I can't guarantee that this is the case with you. But I thought I would share that I've experienced many of the same feelings you've described and have arrived at the conclusion that transition is what will make me whole, make me right, finally make me truly happy. I Hope that helps.

I thought about it some but after cd-ing on and off for quite some time it wasn't so much that cd-ing made me feel better though it did to some extent it was more like acting like a man and all the male posturing that goes with it felt fake. I so didn't want to be something I wasn't anymore. I took stock of a lot of things, what I was willing to lose and what I wasn't. Then when I was willing to risk it all I started to revel in the cd-ing side of me. That started a never ending merry-go-round of the more I did it the better I felt, the happier I seemed to be the more I did it ...... I didn't want to get off and still haven't.

Along with what Alyssa said. I was afraid I was long before I admitted it. I wouldn't watch any show that even touched lightly on the subject out of fear of where it might lead. In the end I was right.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sarah-RT

So my question is, what were you like before deciding to move forward?

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Have you seen the 1995 movie "Leaving Las Vegas"? In the film, Nicholas Cage (in an Oscar-winning performance) plays a man who goes to Las Vegas. He has nothing left to live for. And so he decides to effectively end his life by drinking himself to death. It's a very sad but powerful movie.

Before transition, I was kind of like that man. I was in my late 30's, but I'd already given up on life. I had never married or had kids, so I had no family of my own. I literally had no friends left except for one - and we only met once every few months. I had quit my job because I didn't have the motivation to do anything anymore. I was so depressed and hopeless... I was basically sitting around, alone, at home... just waiting to die.

The overwhelming majority of people who suffer from gender dysphoria also suffer from depression. But of course the opposite is not true. There are many reasons why someone could be experiencing depression, and transsexualism is just one of them. I think it's good that you recently started seeing a therapist that doesn't specialize in gender issues. Maybe talking to this counselor and going on different anti-depressant medications will help you. Or maybe not, and only HRT and transitioning will lift your depression. There's no way for any of us (on an internet forum) to know enough about you to say for sure. But by reaching out and getting help with a therapist, you're taking steps in the right direction.

I hope that you'll keep trying and keep fighting for your life, even if it's just a little at a time. We all deserve to find peace, wherever that may lead us.

What everyone else has said so far is so true.

This is something you will have to figure out for yourself and you have taken the right step to help with that by at least seeing someone that can help. You might want to consider seeing someone that does specialize in Gender issues eventually. For now, stick with what you're doing.

In my case, I always felt like something was wrong with me and lived in blissful ignorance until I began to learn about the subject and started asking myself some seriously deep questions and digging deep for some brutally honest answers. I have shared some similarities with others in what I thought about myself and so on. But, I mostly felt like a deformed freak on display most of my life. Pretending to be something I really wasn't.

The djinn doesn't go back into the lamp easily - I knew the answers to a lot of what was bothering me, but I was used to the shame, and pain, and it was easier to stay where I was until it was no longer an option.
In hindsight it's a lot easier to make choices when they're choices rather than necessities.