Imaginary Vagina - Wishful Thinking?

I've been 'out' to family and friends for a couple of years now. Does anyone else who is pre-op have the same feelings as me:

That is that while I have physical 'male parts' down under, in my head and imagination - spiritually speaking - it's actually a vagina? That probably makes no sense to anyone outside of the tg/cd community, it must sound just crazy, but for me these feelings are getting stronger as time goes by. My plan is to do hrt and leave any decisions about surgery until after being on that a while, to see how it goes. So the feelings don't push me faster towards surgery, in fact I kind of enjoy 'having the best of both worlds.'

As I say, it's not unpleasant or anything, quite the opposite, but what I question is the madness of it in the rational, common-sense 'cold light of day' way of thinking. Maybe it's just harmless 'wishful thinking' gone unchecked or allowed too much slack, or maybe it's all part of some progress on the transitioning path? Or am I just losing my mind? I don't know what to make of it, except I'm going with the flow.

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Originally Posted by JohnniX

but what I question is the madness of it in the rational, common-sense 'cold light of day' way of thinking. Maybe it's just harmless 'wishful thinking' gone unchecked or allowed too much slack, or maybe it's all part of some progress on the transitioning path? Or am I just losing my mind?

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It does sound like wishful thinking / a fantasy to me.

I can only speak for myself so I can’t answer your question “if anyone else” feels that way but I certainly don’t and don’t think I ever have.

And this one might be a little odd, but after starting hormone therapy almost all thoughts of dressing surgeries, etc faded away after a few months.

Hmmm..... I have my bottom surgery scheduled for June of 22. Currently I am in a bit of a horrible position about this. I began having dysphoria about my genitals when I was very young, but then I hid it from myself for about 40 years or so. To get to the point where I could admit, research, and then schedule my surgery I had to tear down many mental blocks I had put in place. So now, I'm waiting, and getting electro, and loosing my mind! I absolutely hate what I've got going on down there. And while many have spoken of shrinkage, I think it has done the opposite actually. Good for my coming surgery, bad for my current state of mind.

Okay, blah, blah, blah. All of that to say, currently my genital configuration often makes me want to kill myself. So, am I lying to myself about what is down there? Yes, yes I am. Do I know the truth, yup but it makes me want to hurt myself badly. And minimally it makes me sad and angry. Thus I prefer to lie to myself about it.

I've only got 226 days left, but seriously, whose counting? Oh right, that'd be me.

Before answering with my own experience I have two questions for you:

1 you said you had been out to your family for around two years, out as a crossdresser? Transgender? Transsexuals?

After you mention your "plan is to do HRT" you're not in HRT yet?

Wishful thinking I suspect! That said, go with the flow!
I started to burn my male parts off when I was about 15! The match was lit...but no! Twice since then had thoughts of cutting them off/out! Realize they are needed for surgery so I got those thoughts under control but the chance of surgery is about zero! Sometimes it is a struggle to deal with! Right now not bad!
Best wishes on your journey! Hugs Lana Mae