Very slow transition?

I?ve been on HRT for over two years now, with weekly counseling for three years, laser beard removal monthly sessions for two years, almost a year of very painful twice a week sessions of electrolysis for my white beard hairs, and two voice feminization coaches. Despite the torture of most electrolysis and laser sessions, the difficulty to find time in my crazy work schedule to get to all my sessions and the cost of it all, it?s what keeps me going, thinking I?m moving forward in my transition.

However, at home my wife hates the idea (and I love my wife), my grown up daughter also hates the idea and have to hide Carolina when she comes to visit and my grown up son doesn?t know about it (because I?m very afraid of telling him) and also have to hide Carolina back in the closet when he is in town.

At work it is even more difficult. I work in a very conservative industry in a very conservative public company, I have a pretty high profile (CEO) and serve in several boards of other large companies. It would be unthinkable for Carolina to show up (although I constantly think about it). I try to push the diversity and inclusion agenda but one thing is the theory and another is the reality.

Socially, I also have very conservative social circles and friends, but I have managed to come out to a very good gay friend of mine who accepted me, but doesn?t get too involved, and recently I came out to another very good friend who is reasonably religious. She claims to accept me but constantly warns me about HRT, why do I take those health risks, why throw everything away, watch out for the family, etc etc. All with very good intentions at heart since she is absolutely great, loves me and is trying to accept me, but it is still very hard for her. My wife refuses to meet my gay friend since he knows about Carolina and she doesn?t want the two worlds to mix (she was also a good friend to my gay friend), so I didn?t tell her about my other friend to avoid shunning her also.

So yes, very slow transition, but I?m very excited for every epliation session I go to no matter how incredibly painful they are, very excited with my psychologist who tried to ?fire me? since she doesn?t know what else to tell me (but I want to have someone to talk to), excited seeing my budding breasts that I have to hide everywhere I go and will become a major issue in summertime with the pools and beaches, and love having longish feminine nails as an expression of my femininity even if I have to walk in fists at work or with friends, hiding my beloved nails.

I don?t know when I?ll be able to fully transition but love dreaming about it and in the meantime focusing on my day to day tiny steps forward :daydreaming:

Hi Carolina,
Thank you for sharing your story. You're are in difficult place for sure but not the first or last person who stands against this choice - come out and deal with consequences or stay in the closet. Professionally, I had similar fears. I am not a senior manager but a senior engineer, at the top of my career, and spent a lot of time with customers face to face, gave presentations, etc. I thought if I was simply locked in my cubical, doing work by myself, than transitioning would be much simpler.
I did electrolysis, 2 years of hormones under the radar until I came out. It world be another 6 months before I came out at work. One thing I would say. Staying in the closet the more you transition, is getting intolerable. So my only advice - brace for the inevitable. One day you will likely have it enough.
P.S. my career didn't suffer at all. I consult for my old company, still work with customers, listing she/they pronouns and got hired as a senior engineer to a new company as an open trans woman. Life hasn't been better since.

Carolina, I feel your pain: a society that is conservative and a job that is high profile. I've heard a few cases that there are some highly ranked officials in companies are open crossdresser / transgenders, though I don't know any personally. Sometimes I have to ask myself: how much time do I really have to enjoy life as me?

Leslie,
The answer is straightforward, "Less every day."
I know that's a bit glib, but undeniably accurate. So for those of us extending our transition, it's a constant calculus; weighing dysphoria against finances, relationships, etc. For me, at least, recognizing that provides the perspective I need to cope with each day, and each day, it also drives me to solidifying my plans. It's incremental, to be sure, but the awareness takes away some of that free-floating anxiety.

Yes, today is my youngest day for the rest of my life. Always true.

But today might not be my prettiest day for the rest of my life. There are always better days to come. :)

Katya, congrats on your transition and on your courage to go for it. I wish I had the same courage to throw it all and be myself. I have a lot to lose (not just professionally), most importantly my kids and my wife. But as you also mentioned, staying under the radar is becoming more painful day by day. I?m happy with my small steps, hopefully bringing good friends into the closet in a process that is extermely risky, like toothpaste, once it?s out it can?t go back in?

And yes, the issue of timing keeps being in my mind. I recently had my bday and my thought process was that it was one less year to be myself?:sad: We don?t know our expiration date and we may think life goes on forever? until it doesn?t. I hope I don?t get to a point when I think it?s too late?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Carolina

And yes, the issue of timing keeps being in my mind. I recently had my bday and my thought process was that it was one less year to be myself?:sad: We don?t know our expiration date and we may think life goes on forever? until it doesn?t. I hope I don?t get to a point when I think it?s too late?

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You touched on a major motivator for us older transitioners. It was certainly one of the factors that motivated me to make the change as quickly as possible at 70. I had listened to a Ted-Talk about that fact that those who expressed regret at the end of life had it because of what they had feared to do rather than what they had done. Caroline, you probably have a lot of years ahead, but you know that you cannot take it for granted.:o

Kelly I'm with you! I am nearly 4 years in and everyday I have to weigh all decisions based on what feels best for me at the moment. Time moves forward and the weight and balance of life changes daily. It is about what works for you!

Gosh I know your pain and wish you well but every journey is different and advice is impossible to give fairly
I transitioned socially a year ago and whilst both my wife and I have had to make compromises we have made it work for both worlds
Not everyone gets the chance to Compromise or want to for that matter
I do hope you find your way through this whatever you do make sure you have a support network around you
All the best going forward xx

I am currently just beginning counseling, and I too have thought of beginning to transition in secret in small steps. Even though I am not in a huge company I do run a majority male business and would have to do everything in secret. I don't know how HRT would effect so I don't know how long I would be able to keep it secret. This pandemic has not helped in giving opportunities to go out socially. I hear what you are going through Carolina and I fear I will have to do the same.

I was on hrt for 2.5 years, did facial hair removal and grew my hair out without anyone at work figuring it out. i came out just before i had ffs. it can be done. however, my life is much better now that i?m out.

shellybme ( I don't know how HRT would effect so I don't know how long I would be able to keep it secret.) i have been on low dose HRT for almost 3 years and the girls are starting to show , so your milage may very

Hi Carolina, check your messages I wrote you in Spanish, assumed because you're from Madrid.

Life is really tough for adult, older MTF trans people.
I'm a lucky one because keep married, living together.

No for that life has been easy for both.
My strategies was the same as you. To do whatever i can attempting to no break things but it's impossible. Just trusting in the love we both share and so far is working. If i can say something about our children . One of them is fully supportive. He has very high level education in the psychology area so he knows better than me, he's the middle one. The oldest, another boy, has been supportive too. He has had to learn but i know he loves me. The youngest one has a job we're is common the homofobia, he's paramedic firefighter and hasn't fully accepted me. So he keeps from far.

Friends here, from the Hispanic religious circle has abandoned me.
For me, the bottom line is positive. I'm happy.
We can't have everything but for me, one thing from a famous book keep sounding in my mind: the truth shall set you free.
It's not healthy to live hiding yourself, hiding who you are because implies lies and my mom told me when a kid, every lie will need another lie to reinforce the first one so do the numbers....it's better for everybody to walk in truth but at your own pace...

Mho.
Devi

Hi Katya,

Coming out as an engineer or designer may help your career, as those are jobs in which sticking your neck out to do something new is often good.
The ability to see things from both genders is a big help in problem solving.

In my case I have reached the age in which I can easily retire and spend my time with hobby and social activities.
My boss is old enough that he doesn't realize how feminine my appearance has being getting except for those rare occasions when he is only a foot or two away from me.
He got a good look at me yesterday when he as asking if the pink tape dispenser he grabbed from somewhere was mine.
I was wearing a purple vee neck golf sweater over a pink long sleeved shirt. This week my nails are red. Expressie bolt and be bold.


Marion