The flavours of crossdressing and remembering we're all different!

Apologies for starting this. I'm not good with words, and I tend to ramble - so the point will get lost in translation, or something. I dunno. But there's something that's been troubling me so... er,

*takes deep breath*

Hello, my name's Gaz, and I'm a crossdresser. (Hello, Gaz!)

For over 30 years, I've struggled MASSIVELY with that. When I was a kid and trying on my sister's/mother's stuff, it was just goofing around, silly, dressup, who cares. But once I hit puberty and started thinking to myself "Holy crap, what does this actually SAY about me?" it became so much more. Worry. Shame. Guilt. Was I going to start liking boys now? Was I a weirdo? A freak or a deviant of some sort? And being a kid of the 1980s, it.. didn't really get better. And in those three decades since, l didn't get any better until about two weeks ago when I said... "Stop caring." And it... sort of worked. When my urge to dress comes, I don't repress or fight it. I don't walk around on eggshells with my wife now. I sat her down, cooked her an awesome dinner, and said "Look, I'm not gonna be ashamed of this any more" and she's been great. But I still need support, some approval, and the occasional reminder that... well, I'm not a weirdo/freak/deviant.

Which brings me to this.

I've been a member of this site for quite a few years, but don't post much. I wanted to get involved, but honestly its been intimidating. Not because the members here aren't by and large great, but more down to the fact that I've felt like I'm not in the same "ballpark" as everyone else. I was an inch away from disappearing again, when I saw GeorgeA's MIAD thread and it was an absolute revelation. Because... I don't identify with being "feminine" per se. I don't have any desire to pass. I have no desire to pretend to have breasts. Or shave my legs. Or my beard. Or leave the house wearing anything but a smile and maybe a pair of panties under my Carhartts.

But because of all that, I've never felt that I fit. This forum feels a lot more like its more geared towards trans women, people who are either living their lives 24/7 in female mode, or are seeking to go that way. And a few responses I've gotten or seen from some members made it seem like I was lying to myself somehow. That being a regular guy who likes to wear different clothes every now and again wasn't enough, that I should be out and proud. (I'm not going to name names, and please understand I'm not saying this to the forum overall)

It's a very weird feeling. To have society on the overall think I'm going too far because I'm crossdressing, but the crossdressing community thinking I'm not going far enough.

At the moment, there are 270 people looking at this forum. Of that 270, 12 are members myself included. The rest are guests - unregistered folks. Some of whom are bots, some of whom are POSSIBLY people hoping to see some inappropriate content, but I'll bet the vast majority are people looking for help and a bit of guidance. Men who might be living with the same shame and guilt I've dealt with and have nobody to talk to about it. Younger guys who have no idea what any of it means about them. TGs, TSs, CDs, MIADs, FTM, TVs, LGBT, BFFs, and a dozen other acronyms I've never heard of but are still bloody valid. To those guests who are reading this - you're not alone, you're not weird, and its all good. Keep reading, sign up and participate if you feel like it (but you don't have to!), and know that everyone's story is different - just because you read someone who has a marriage that ends because of this, it doesn't mean yours will. Just because someone's dressing revealed something about their sexuality doesn't mean yours will. Just because people now present publicly as a woman, doesn't mean you will. Just because someone's journey began with their sisters clothes and ended with them getting life-changing surgery doesn't mean yours will.

We're all different folks. Walk your path. Do it in work boots in public and heels in private if you want. Do it in heels forever if its what you need. Swerve the shoes completely if thats not your thing.

We're all different.

Yes as always the CD's think the forum is too much about TG/TS and the TG's/TS's think it's too much about CD

We all want basically the same thing. Can't we all just get along? :p

Gaz,
Thanks for saying what I have been feeling for a long time. I have had those same thoughts about our community. Sometimes it can be really hard to be what we are without wanting to go too far out of our comfort zone. Have a great day and dress on when you feel like it.
Jackie27

I think we are mostly on same page with what we like and do. And I feel the same way as you do. It's all good.

Well said Gaz - this was a good read, thank you for the input. I'm glad you seem to have squared things up for yourself and things seem to be working for you.

Gaz, Well written post for someone who is not good with words! My view is that, if we have enough inclination to put on those clothes even occasionally or log onto this site, we are somewhere on the wide transgender continuum. You and I are on different places on that continuum, which should help us accept and understand each other. I do live as a man, will not transition, my friends view me as masculine, but I have a high degree of gender dysphoria, and I do think of myself as transgender. There is room on this forum for both you and me, and for those on all places on the spectrum. We just likely will be interested in different threads and have somewhat different points of view. BUT, we all know what it is like to have a male body and wear women’s clothes! Nancy

Yes, I’ll agree that this is more geared towards girls who try to pass. If you only want to wear panties and the occasional dress around the house, GREAT! But that doesn’t leave a whole lot to discuss compared to the other girls who talk about wigs and makeup and shoes and padding and pictures and body language and voice. I’m sorry you don’t feel seen here, but the solution to that is to participate. BE the discussion you want to see here.

Appreciate the kind words, thanks much.

Roberta, that's sort of what I'm getting at. Wider acceptance.

What I will say though, I've seen plenty of posts encouraging CDers to do more, be brave. Take the next step. Keep going, go out, etc. The advice is quite often "let the girl out." And there's completely and utterly nothing wrong with doing that, if the person has a girl to actually let out. Some folks don't. I've seen conversations (and I'm paraphrasing here) that go along the lines of

"Haha, if I went out in a dress and heels, my wife would kill me" / "then you need to have a think about your marriage, because if your wife doesn't support you 100% then its going to end at some point, thats exactly what happened to me"

or

"No, I'm quite happy just wearing panties under my regular clothes" / "I used to think that way, but now I'm living 24/7 en femme and have legally changed my name."

Again, absolutely zero knock on the trans members of this forum but surely you can see how that'd be terrifying for people who are coming in here full of that worry/fear/shame/guilt we all know too well and are looking for support and guidance?

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Originally Posted by Micki_Finn

Yes, I’ll agree that this is more geared towards girls who try to pass. If you only want to wear panties and the occasional dress around the house, GREAT! But that doesn’t leave a whole lot to discuss compared to the other girls who talk about wigs and makeup and shoes and padding and pictures and body language and voice. I’m sorry you don’t feel seen here, but the solution to that is to participate. BE the discussion you want to see here.

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Absolutely fair enough. Its a bit of a chicken and egg scenario. I'm not worried about myself at this point - I know who I am, I've accepted who I am, and I made peace with it finally. (Like I said, I'm sure what I'm trying to convey will get lost in my blathering!) It's more about people who come here who are on one basic end of the spectrum (as NancyJ eloquently put it) and seeing lots of warnings/predictions that they're going to end up on the other end with potential marital problems, identity issues, or transitions. And it's 100% fair enough to say that - well, there's a chance that it could happen. But that's far from set in stone for everyone.

Well said. Pretty much all of my cross dressing involves historical clothing of some sorts, a little over half of it is actually more crossplay. Not that I've never tried my hand in full cross dressing. I do remember my early days of being alone at home as my grandparents were out on the town and searching through my grandma's bags of clothes (she literally had enough to start her own K-Mart) looking for things that perk my interest. I found a few things that were fun and hid them in my closet so I can have a moment of dress up whenever I needed it. Pretty much most of my dress up is at home and infront of the mirror or camera. Occasionally, I'll go to a convention to dress up and show off what I have and it gets good reactions! I really don't have too much to add from my point of view, but everybody is different. Some want to dress up everyday, some choose to atleast underdress daily, some are just whenever the mood hits.

Yes we are all different with a minor thing in common. Belive it ir not it has gotten better over the years here. I remember when if you said anything about being a miad you were put down and told you are doing more harm then good. And that the only reason anyone would do that was for attention.
Back then i thought that was the extent of my journey but have come to learn it is not. If that is your end then good for you if not then continue until your happy. That is what all of this really comes down to, what makes you happy.

You do what makes you happy don't worry about what we think blaze your own trail.
There are quite a few MAIDS here so jump on in and participate don't be shy.
We are all weird to some extent so don't worry about that.

Worry, shame, guilt, been there done that! In the CD'ers journey I tend to liken it to a pendulum that can swing from one extreme to the other. Once a person come to the point of self acceptance it is then trying to figure out where they fit. I have done several different modes attempting to find my place. Now, having found my niche, I support chin whiskers, wear panties and cami's all the time, and regularly wear skirts and pantyhose around the house. Winter is a good season for me, as I will wear pantyhose or tights under my jeans. I trim, or shave my body to suit my comfort, I don't care what others think, I do it for me.

Gaz, you need to find your niche, live in it and don't worry about others. There will always be those who think that you should be just like them! They may be CD'ers, football fans, cowboys, rednecks, etc. All humans crave, love, support, approval, your wife is the most important first person in this arena. You will find many others just like you on this site, send friendship requests to them and private mail them as needed.

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Originally Posted by Gillian Gigs

Gaz, you need to find your niche, live in it and don't worry about others. There will always be those who think that you should be just like them! They may be CD'ers, football fans, cowboys, rednecks, etc. All humans crave, love, support, approval, your wife is the most important first person in this arena. You will find many others just like you on this site, send friendship requests to them and private mail them as needed.

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Oh, I'm in my niche firmly! There's a saying we tell our kid - you get what you get, and you don't get upset. When I told my wife I'd had my epiphany, she chuckled and said "You'll wear what you wear, and you don't *bleep*ing care!" So I enjoy the clothing, but I identify as a man, enjoy being a man, don't feel any desire to pass myself off as or present as female, and most of the time prefer doing manly things. I only dress sporadically, and when I do its often times a crapshoot. A lot of the time I'll come back from taking my kid to school, have the house to myself for a bit and think "Nah, can't be bothered." Sometimes, if I'm working from home, I'll wear some stuff - sometimes just undies under my male stuff, sometimes I'll throw on a pair of heels. Sometimes I'll wear a top or say screw it and put on a skirt as well. All over the place really. The key for me is to just accept it all, stop fretting and worrying about what outside influences think.

That goes for society as a whole ("You shouldn't be wearing that! That's just for women, and you're not a woman!") but also from our own community - JenniferMBlack touched a nerve there when they said "I remember when if you said anything about being a miad you were put down and told you are doing more harm then good. And that the only reason anyone would do that was for attention" - I remember those comments too when I signed up. They're not as prevalent now, but they still definitely exist, and I've seen tell of them since becoming active a fortnight or so ago.

Anyways, as I'd said before, all good for me, just looking out for the others out there who might be worried that crossdressing might be a black or white proposition, and perhaps remind a couple of people that just because their paths took them down XYZ road doesn't mean that every other CDer is destined for the same.

I totally felt that way when I first signed up. I think just like the way you dress, with the forum take what is useful, give back where you think you can be useful and leave everything else alone :)

My first 6 months or so here, I felt very out of place as I only wear bras and panties (occasionally garter belt and stockings or pantyhose). I have nothing against wearing feminine clothing, in fact, I'm getting interested in that. I just have no idea how to decide/determine a style or where to start.
I've considered going to Torrid and asking to try on skirts. But then I would feel obligated to purchase, and I have no where to store a skirt, blouse, or anything else fem outerwear.

Well expressed, Gaz. Don't worry, nothing was lost in translation. I think you really hit on one of my favorite perceptions - that we are all different. There is a tendency among people to form groups and clusters of people with common interests. No problem with that and it is really great because it generates a lot of the social cohesiveness humans need. But it is when that group starts thinking they have the right answer and everyone else is wrong. That is when the trouble arises.

I think there is a big lack of that kind of behavior among members here and that is why it is such a wonderful place. An island in a sea of us/them kind of thinking that is more than a two edged coin - it is a two edged sword. Here people express their personal views, they support each other, they help each other and almost always the result is beneficial for all. In general, few care how you express those deep, inexplicable feelings we have for some still moderately mysterious reason. Just be yourself and be kind. Again, thanks for that post. I think you really hit the nail on the head.

Good for you for reaching this level of self acceptance. I am roughly the same brand of CD as you and had many of the same struggles you have had in accepting myself, so I feel a kinship.

It's easy to feel intimidated in a site like this, but one valuable point to remember is that CDs occupy the margins of society, maybe even more so than gays, lesbians and TS people. We all feel like outcasts to some degree. Because it's harder to blend in and disappear, more of us feel confined to the closet and spend too much time worrying about the quality or style of their presentation. My particular way of dealing with being a misfit is to dress as tastefully and presentably as I can and get out there as a man in a dress. Not many in this forum agree with my way of doing it but are still respectful and supportive, I think because everyone here understands being a misfit to some degree.

So, welcome to the forum. I hope that going forward you manage to have adventures of your own in the world, then share them. By doing so, you'll be helping to encourage someone else who is struggling to free themselves from the closet of their fears.

Gaz, when I first arrived here 12+ years ago, I waited years for the "female inside me" to show herself!:battingeyelashes:

One of many fictions I believed from drinking the cool aid the many TS's sold me back then!:brolleyes:
And, that EVERY dresser must desire to go out in vanillaland dressed. Not!:thumbsdn:

But, things have changed a lot here since then! Now, we even have a "Non-binary" section for dressers like yourself who could care less about looking like a woman!:thumbsup:

Gaz, nothing to apologise for - I'm with you (and Suzanne). Though I've found that I definitely feel more feminine through my partial dressing, I've no desire to try to pass fully, but every (currently mostly unfulfilled) desire to go about day to day dressed as I wish to (which would be heels, skirt/leggings, nails (that developed out of nowhere, but it's definitely a thing now), with upper body still male (something stylish that went, in some androgynous way, with whatever I was wearing on the bottom. Men's leather jacket with high waisted girls's skinny jeans and high heel boots or courts for example. I'd certainly look unusual, but no-one would doubt my gender once they looked above the waist).

Only done it once - high-heeled brown brogues with a blazer and slacks- bought a coffee and worked for an hour outside a cafe with heels in plain view. It was fine, got some odd looks, and one guy who seemed to move deliberately to look at the shoes and then spent about twenty minutes "inobtrusively" staring at me (this was a little odd, and I'm straight, so not my thing). Unfortunately a huge guffaw from a 20-something woman on the way back to the hotel knocked my confidence and put me off trying it again, though I can feel myself being ready for another go soon.

Gaz, just be yourself and do what you want without concern of what your sisters, here, may think. It's your life. Live it according to your wishes and desires. Enjoy it and have fun! BTW, nice thread!

Gaz, you're absolutely right, I've learned so much here and one main thing is we all move to a different beat of that CD drum. Some just want to wear panties, others want to be a woman. But one thing bothers me, I still don't know where I fit in. I'm happy as the male I am, yet I have a deep desire to pass as a woman. More for show and fun than anything else, it's nice to be 'somebody else' for a few hours. I do have a thing for being extravagant, yet elegant. (Big hips, breast, ect.) I dont even know what road I'm on but I know it ends in happiness. But I feel like mabey I'm in the wrong place sometimes because I enjoy the sex appeal of looking gorgeous. But also terrified I'll get caught-yet want people to know. This site does seem to be geared towards 24/7 or transitioning. But it doesn't matter either because everyone I've talked to has been so friendly, it makes me like it here.

Ps. Mabey someone could help me figure out where I stand in the CD / LGBTQ world one day.

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Originally Posted by Robertacd

Yes as always the CD's think the forum is too much about TG/TS and the TG's/TS's think it's too much about CD. We all want basically the same thing. Can't we all just get along? :p

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The thing is, we don't all want the same thing. We all like to do something similar, crossdress, but the reasons we feel the need to, are often very, very different. I think that a whole lot of people, (especially here), have the need to believe that all of us are just like them, in order for them to feel that they are okay, that they are 'normal', or maybe that they're just, well, not crazy. So we see lots of arguments about whether we're gay, whether we're not, whether we crossdress for sexual kicks, or that we're all actually just homosexuals or transsexuals who are in denial. Well, some are any of the above. And some are not. And we need to stop beating each other up about why we feel they aren't what they tell us they are.
Be what you want to be, do what you want to do. Be out, be in the closet, whatever makes you comfortable.

Hi Jessifox,

My SO's desire to dress is similar to yours. He identifies as a man who likes to present as a woman once in a while. He thinks its's fun and enjoys the variety of clothes, material, and the looks he is able to achieve.

So please do not feel the forum is geared toward transitioning. Everyone is on a different journey for different reasons. Be comfortable in your skin. I'm sure you will find plenty of like minded people who probably don't participate in an "I want to be a woman" thread. Some just want to wear the clothes. You will soon identify the treads that you can relate to your situation.

suxanne, i was a misfit long before i ever had ideas of crossdressing. From a family of odd misfits, and losers.

Hi Char! I am comfortable in my skin both ways, I'm an ugly man, and a not so ugly woman. I edit my pics because I'm horrible with make up and alot of digital contouring and foundation- one reason being beauty, and the other is to slightly hide my identity. But it's still me, its still my face, and I look in my opinion beautiful and I love it! But I ramble..

The point I'm making is I'm not comfortable in the thought of everyone knowing I like to costume myself as a woman. That i like to play dress up and look pretty. That i admire my own feminine beauty and personality. I know every one here has struggled with, or is still struggling with something like that. Almost as if I'm just playing a character or a role. And now the more time I have the more Jessi comes out to play, I'm sure the stress right now is playing it's part too. But Jessi is trying to come out of that character so to speak. Mabey I can make like a "my story" kinda thread or if someone knows a thread I can add to.
Thank you for reaching out!