You know his secret and you still love and support your dad. I would tell him, explain it slipped out and that he has all your love. He most likely will be over the moon, partly from your acceptance and partly from the relief of not having to hide! To be unburdened of shame and worry is a wonderful gift.
My daughter (17 years old) knows, she told me it has deepened our bond. While not every situation is the same, I can see nothing negative from letting your dad know. Good luck!
I just want to comment on one thing you said.
You wrote:
I really am like: my dear father, can you pleeease tell me why you belittle my expression forms, when you damn well know how sad it is when you have to hide?
Here's my thought: Could his negative reactions be BECAUSE of his need to hide? Consider this: He's your dad. He loves you with all his heart, whether or not he can show it. He knows the pain, fear, and just plain suffering he has gone through in having and keeping his secret. It could well be that he fears that you will suffer the pain of rejection or ridicule as a result of your changes. He doesn't know how to express this to you, so he shuts down.
Here's why I say this: back in my first marriage, I was struggling with my own dressing issues. And then one day, my wife's little boy dug out and wore something of his mom's. Did I encourage him? Did I just ignore it, knowing it was probably just childhood playtime and curiosity? NO! I actively discouraged it. Yes, I too belittled it. Why, you ask? I acted out of my fear - and yes, love too. I didn't want him to follow the path I'd taken. I didn't want him feeling the self-loathing, the fear of being caught, all the stuff I was living. I wanted him to be "normal", happy, and fulfilled.
I know, I know. I was wrong. I admit that freely. Now. Back then (the 70's), I thought I was doing the right thing.
Turns out, I didn't have to worry. After a couple episodes, he lost interest and moved on to something else.
"Perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults"
Madeline Miller "Circe"
To reinforce what SaraLin said, Men commonly express fear as anger. I've seen it in my life experience time after time. If I understand what you wrote correctly, your father got mad and brooded at your piercings but then eventually came back around. Especially in view of his own expression I think you are on good ground to let him know you know about his dressing. You may get barked at or frozen out for a while, but in the long run I think you will be doing your dad a service that he is not capable of doing himself.
I am about your dad's age and my son is about your age. I came out to him when he was 22. He told me he had known since he was 14. Now he is 32 and I have an ally. Not someone I have to hide from.
I wouldn't bring it up directly, but I would wait patiently for the subject to come up again, as it did with your mother. If you see a CDer in public, or on TV, mention to him how nice that person looks in their outfit and how you admire their individuality, courage, fashion sense, taste, confidence, etc. Maybe go a little further and say how nice your husband, or boyfriend, would look in that dress and that it would not diminish him in your eyes in any way. He may not respond right away, but he would be well aware that he has nothing to fear from you.
Hi Salley,
I would use great caution, "mores? and ?folkways? can carry unprecedented cultural weight to some people. Do you really have to bring it up? If it has been a secret this long, maybe it has been for a reason. Good luck.
Sincerely,
Brenda
hello Curiousdaughter,
I you are accepting of your father's choice of clothing why would you need to 'bring it up'?
He is still the same person that he was before you discovered the 'secret'.
Just be supportive if ever the need arises.
luv J
I have four children.
My oldest is a daughter and she knows, and not only knows but actually engages with me full time with me as a woman. I have a son who knows, accepts but really doesn't want to see. I have another son who I suspect knows but doesn't want to know. My youngest is a daughter and she would be devastated if she found out.
My oldest lives near me. My other three live 3000 km away. I am a somewhat private person and I am fine with my youngest children not knowing. However; I have a very good relationship with my daughter. Better than her and her mother, in fact.
If I take what you say at face value about your father only being concerned about how YOU take his crossdressing, then perhaps you should talk to him.
If you and your Mom were absolutely sure that the only thing preventing him from telling you is his fear of rejections, then I think you should tell him you know.
How? Well, probably with your Mom present. It gives him somebody to back him up. So here are a couple of suggestions:
The first arrange "movie night" with him, or him and your Mom, but make sure it is just you guys. It may sound corny but watch "tootsie" or some other CD friendly movie. Then casually mention to him ( a little white lie to break the ice) that you saw him once in a dress ( ask your Mom the color of his favorite dress) and say something like "I though you looked adorable,but I did not want to surprise you. And I want you to know that you dont' have to hide this from me".
The second is to use a common interviewer technique ( I was a professional interviewer for a long time). Sit down with him in a private setting so that he knows no one else will hear what you have to say. The next thing you have to do is establish common ground. Bring along a dress that you can tell him you were thinking about wearing to a party or work gathering, ect. Ask him his opinion, letting him know that you think he has really good taste in clothing. Particularly female clothing. Mention a time when he picked something out for your Mom, or even you, that worked out really well. Perhaps mention how silly it is that only girls get to wear "pretty clothes". Then close with something like; " Daddy I've noticed that you have an interest in womens clothing and I think it's cute/fun. I would love to be able to talk to you about fashion. I once saw you wearing a dress a long time ago and I really wanted to hug you, but thought it might embarrass you. I don't want you to hide from me when I come home and find you in a dress. I'm your daughter and I love you. All of you.
Be careful, and do it with privacy, respect and love, and I think you will be all right.
I love the fact all my daughters know.
I love the fact I just got some "hand me ups???" - mini skirt and jumper
I told my girls years ago, but if I hadn't......
If my girls knew my secret and wanted to express it to me, I would probably prefer a private chat over a coffee, probably in casual conversations about them "not minding cross dressers" my response would be "what makes you say that?" and they would probably reply "we noticed how good your finger nails look" or " I thought I saw some nice nail polish on you earlier".
(note: my wife and kids reckon my advice is always bad)
I agree with Tracii. You do not have to engage your father on this, at all, if you would rather not. If you do, I'd suggest letting your mother make the overtures. She has his trust, and having that, will be much more able to broach the subject in a way that will minimize his anxiety. He may choose to remain DADT with you. He may not. Just understand that, ironically, he may not be as comfortable with you knowing as you are. :)
I wouldn't touch this one with a pole, Curiousdaughter.
Chances are non-negligible saying something will cause drama between your father and mother that doesn't have to happen. If anything, it's up to your mother to make the first move.
I'm wondering if your father was given something worse than a hard time when he was caught as described in your story.
Curiousdaughter,
Welcome to the forum! :wave2:
And thanks for starting this thread. I suppose I'm a bit fashionably late to the party, but still felt the need to reply...
Let it be known that I don't have any kids. But if on the off-chance that I ever do? I *pray* they will be girls.
Though knowing my luck? They'll all be boys! :roflmao:
And I say this, only in the context of how I like to dress. In my mind, things would be *waaaay* easier with having daughters. Because if they were my sons, instead? A significant part of me would feel like I would have to really limit my dressing, for their own sake (whether rightly or wrongly, I may add).
Should I be lucky enough to have only girls? Then I'd simply start them young, so to speak... Meaning, I'd be wearing certain women's stuff on a regular basis in front of them, since the day they'd be born. That way, they'd be accustomed to seeing dad like that, that it's "normal," and they'd think nothing too much of it. Or at least that would be the plan.
I should note, that I wouldn't be doing the *full* transformation, with wigs, make-up, dresses, fake boobs, etc. -- except maybe on Halloween or playing dress-up with them on a bored rainy afternoon or something. On a regular basis, it would just be me, in "guy-mode," but wearing stuff like women's leggings, hoodies, basic tops, running shoes, etc. You know, pretty much how I typically dress now.
Of course, your situation is fairly different. But the reason I mentioned all that, is because it seems as though GG's (natal females) are way more likely to be at least "okay" with it all -- as opposed to natal males. And you certainly seem to fit this bill. :)
A number of your sentences really jumped out at me. I do think you're doing this for the right reasons, which is really cool. :thumbsup:
And if *I* were your father? Then yes, I'd definitely like to be able to share this part of me with you, without having to hide it... As long as there would be no negative things resulting from it. Only positive ones! :battingeyelashes:
Of course, *how* you get from Point A to Point B can potentially be a tricky one for you. Though definitely worth it, ultimately!
I believe the best approach, which has already been discussed, is having your mother be the intermediary, of sorts. You know, as the "go-between" for your father & yourself. Having her "drop hints" to him occasionally, maybe the next time he's dressed, her saying something nonchalantly to him like, "You know, I was just thinking... I don't feel as though Curiousdaughter would have any issue whatsoever with you wearing that. She's a total sweetheart like that, really open to lots of things. And from what I can tell, she really loves you no matter what. Anyway, about that new wallpaper we've been meaning to get..."
And then just leave it at that. :devil:
I dunno, something like that. The trick is, for her not to give away *too* much... That in actuality, she's already informed you. But you GG's are usually good with that kind of stuff, carefully crafting the message. :p
After the occasional hint here & there, over time? Eventually, you & your mother may want to kick it up a notch. Christmas comes along, or his birthday, or whatever? Get him a nice gift that he'd enjoy, something that is normally reserved for women -- and have your mother present it to him, privately, without you there -- and say that it was from the *both* of you.
That way, if there's a negative reaction, like he grows suspicious & accuses her of telling you his secret? She can just be like, "Oh, no... It's not like that! Curiousdaughter just didn't know what to get you this year (or she didn't have time, etc.), so she helped pay for it & told me to get you whatever I thought would make a nice gift for you!"
You know, something to that effect. :heehee:
At some point, with enough of the right type of gentle persuasion, I believe there's probably a good chance of him opening up, letting his guard down, and welcoming you to this other part of him. :hugs:
Good luck, and please keep us updated! :)
I have reason to believe that my adult daughter has seen some evidence and probably suspects something about my wardrobe. I haven't read all the comments yet, but I seem to be in the minority here that would prefer that SHE bring it up in a loving/accepting manner. If she's bothered by it or disgusted by the idea, I'd rather not know. I'd love to know that she knew and accepted.
If my daughter asked a direct question of my wife, I would much prefer that my wife tell the truth rather than lie or just leave it hanging.
EDIT: I missed your question in your title first time around. How do I bring this up?...
It is hard to give advise to strangers because there are too many unknowns, but I can tell you what I can imagine my daughter doing in your situation. My daughter and I were very close while she was growing up. There were LOTS of special moments. If she knew about my taste (and was supportive), I can imagine her buying some little feminine trinket that reminded her of a specific memory from her childhood. For me probably a nice coffee floral porcelain coffee cup. I can imagine a simple note that said something to the effect of "For your softer side". Because of how my daughter and i related before she got married, I'd know she supported me.
None of this could relate to you, but you asked...
My 2 cents worth
Most of us hide our crossdressing because we don't know how our family,friends would react if they knew.Most of us would love to be free of that worry.I'm sure your father kept it a secret because he is worried you would reject him if you knew.I only dress in front of my wife but all my children and two of our grandchildren know about Michelle but that's as far as it goes but it was a huge relief when they found out about her( by accident,long story) and still accept me as a dad and grandfather.I think if your ok with him dressing it would be a huge relief for him to know that.How to go about that is not for me to say.You'll know.