The difference between Acceptance and Support.

Over the past two weeks I have come to and announced a major decision in my life to my Family.

For personal and Transition reasons, I will be moving to New York by the end of next March or beginning of April.

Now, it's been a little rough already with my Family.

First, my Mother got drunk and said a few things out of line to me that I had to step away from things for a bit so they wouldn't escalate.

Then my Nephew said something to me at work that was dehumanizing and it really hurt. He didn't realize it at all.

I have been really communicating to them about what all this means. But I don't think they will ever understand the difference between Acceptance and Support really means as a Family member. No matter how much I explain it to them.

It's obvious to me why they won't understand this. They're not living through this at all. I think it's a lot like a soldier suffering from PTSD. It's a kind of wound that can't be openly seen.

It's obvious that Acceptance is just that. You're ok with it. You can make the changes and get used to the less intrusive changes like the pronouns and name changes. Personally I think these are the easier=st to get used to.

But I have found that I get more and more irritated when people say they support what I'm doing, when they really mean that they accept me for who I am.

Support is something different all together. It's many different things to different people. But it's the same thing at the same time. I don't think people realize that Financial support is not just helping others to save up and or pay for what they need medically. It's doing your part to make sure they can save money to take care of themselves.

Being someone to lean on during hard times. Being a hand to hold when it's needed. I could go on and on and on with this list.

I think that what people sometimes mean when they say they support, but it is really just acceptance, is that they accept the fact that it happens, and they are socially liberal and all that to that extent, and that that it is OK with them, but when it gets close to home, then that might be a different thing, and they have their doubts when it means it will affect them directly.

There are many nuances to this of course. Some, perhaps I know in my own life, are just hypocrites, and that is all there is to it. Others just did not think it through, like what it mean to support one, and never realized it would make things awkward for them, in some ways, in their own life, or inconvenience them, even in little ways.

I completely understand, they see what is on the surface. Feeling are messy and people generally don't want to deal with them. Sorry I'm new on this board and don't know u at all, but what you mentioned are two different things. To you they maybe one but to family they are separate. Transitioning is one thing for them to deal with , moving away is completely different. Don't fault them for missing you. I hope it all works out for you.

Emma,
Maybe it's good you are moving , putting that space between you and the family will provide time to think about your situation. They may not understand fully why you need to transition and what it means. Hopefully when they see you are dealing with your new life they may start to support you. The bottom line is they don't want to lose you so they will come round . I'm in a similar situation , it's gone from not believing my need was strong enough to separate from my wife to realising it's going to happen, they are now showing concern and are offering ways to support me , I know they don't want to let go . Dressing more or less full time is both exciting and daunting but it's going to happen.

Maybe you could look for local support through a LGBTG group, it may not offer financial support but may help to get your life together and give you new friends .

Acceptance is for yourself. You pretty much either get support or polite tolerance (at best) from everyone else.

I just popped in for a couple minutes and saw there were about 20 threads I had not read but the title of yours Emma pulled me in because I have said it myself many times.
People ask me - " how did (fill in the blank ) react.

I tend to lump people into general categories for brief reference. Supportive / accepting / rejection.

Are there shades of gray? Of course but as a thumbnail I think it is accurate. In my experience supportive & rejection are rare. But having someone that is supportive is a wonderful gift indeed.

My heart goes out to you.
I have a little experience in that area - dealing with family.
In short, my approach has been to minimize contact with those who would do me harm emotionally, and
increase my "family" by adding good friends.
My revised family circle has proven to be the best ever.
:)

D

We all tend to see things from our side and our needs, totally understandable.
But you have thrown some big surprises their way, maybe they need support from you?

U say, "potahto", I say, "potayto". I appreciate anyone who supports me. :thumbsup:

But, acceptance is a whole other deal! I go out, hang, party, and dress with those folks!:hugs:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Persephone

... maybe they need support from you?

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Here’s how I view reality and support: We all have circles. The closer people are to our innermost circle, the more they are aware of and have any real concern about what we do. That’s concern from any perspective, and I’ll note here that it’s often self-concern as much as it might be for YOU. For purposes of this discussion, I regard the innermost circle as consisting solely of those who are unavoidably and directly affected by what we do, and for adults, they are typically spouse/SO and children. Frankly, whatever reactions, issues, actions, opinions, etc. that any those outside the inner circle may have is 100% on them. They can walk away and we only owe them any decency, patience, and understanding they extend us. One’s SO and kids, not so much. One MAY walk out on a spouse, of course. I think I owe whatever I can muster, however. Kids cannot be held responsible for their reactions, however, and there IS no-one else that MUST given them support. That one you own. (I’m not implying any particular solution here.) Kids, of course, are affected by one’s spousal relationship as well.

But here’s the rub. Even if there are those with whom we should arguably strive amid our own troubles, the existential nature of a gender struggle makes us mutually the least likely to be ABLE to help one another! There’s a dictum among some psych practitioners, which is that those we most need to help us heal are precisely those for whom it is the most difficult. The more fundamental the issue, the more this is likely to be true, because friction from changes in these areas stem from their enablement in us of the very things that we use to cope in not being ourselves! These psychological ties are vital and run deep. They are fundamental to not only their understanding of you, but their understanding of themselves. Gender crises run deep indeed, which is why reactions of anger and outrage, plus the sense of lying, betrayal and even death is strongest among those closest to us.

There’s a paradox here. You are closest to these people because of who you are, even when you are repressed or hiding, because it informs the sincerity of your interactions. Nonetheless, reveal (or discover, or free, or ...) your identity and it effectively obliterates it from their point of view! In the end, both parties must change and a big problem in all this is that one of those parties likely didn’t and doesn’t want anything to do with that.

So go ahead, call for supporting others if you like. Try it even. Heaven knows I do. But I can tell you this in closing: When you are the source of the pain, few want, appreciate, or even see your support. The soft and oh-so-reasonable call to support others in this is potentially treacherous to those already at risk as it is.

Emma Beth, I'm sorry it has come to this. Even those who claim to want to "support" you, probably only mean tolerate. I had this with my brother, so I can imagine what you must have felt when your nephew said those things at work.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Persephone

But you have thrown some big surprises their way, maybe they need support from you?

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What sort of "support" were you envisageing, Persephone? Emma Beth is living this 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365.25 days a year. What kind of "support" from Emma Beth do you think would have stopped her mother saying hurtful things when she was drunk? And what kind of "support" from Emma Beth would have helped her nephew not to make dehumanizing remarks?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by docrobbysherry

U say, "potahto", I say, "potayto".

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Doc, I admired your candour when you went on that documentary, but we are not discussing nuances of interpretation here,we are discussing Emma Beth's life and the actions of those family members who claimed to support her but said hurtful, dehumanizing things. That is a little more poignant than a song composed 80 years ago for a Fred Astair film

Thank u for the correction, Rianna. I didn't intend make lite of Beth's situation. Especially on re reading her post. I actually agree with her completely. When folks say they support u, u may believe them but it could just be their way of changing the subject. U mite not know how they really feel.

If they say they accept u but really don't, it's usually quite obvious. :sad: