Angry but accepting

After 40 years I finally found my softer side. I'm just coming out to my SO with this. She gave me a pair of her panties to wear, and it escalates from there. Each time I go deeper she always gets mad. She helps with buying lingerie
She caught me wearing makeup and she was furious. Because I looked so it is hideous, she told me that she would do my makeup from now on. My wife is still mad but she dolled my last night, painting all of my nails, gave me a makeover and put me in lingerie. Oh, and she fixed my hair as well. She's still angry but accepting! I think it's a dominance issue with her now. Only stipulation is keep it in the house. I'm good with that 😊

I'm with you Dan - I came out recently too, also after 40 years of denial on my part. My wife and I are at a DADT arrangement right now...and it does work - no hostility yet, but it may be coming. I think the issue for her might center around me appearing as a different person that she has known for so many years - yet exactly the same. I have told her she can ask any question she likes, and I will answer her. We've done some of that, but none for about a week now...kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop, but we will see.
At the end of the day at least recognize you have a kindred spirit here, and probably many, many more!

Dan,

Your post brings to mind a couple of things. One is that it sounds like there is a "drip drip drip" method of coming out going on with your wife. Meaning that you start with one thing but escalate to other things. Some acceptance doesn't mean a green light for full speed ahead. That usually makes an SO angry because she is "ok" with something, then other things are added. It catches her off guard and she doesn't know where this will end. Does it end with underwear and makeup OR hormones and surgery? Will she be enough for you or do you want a man in your life? Those kinds of questions are probably running through her mind as she tries to accommodate your needs with underwear, makeup and hair. At this point, she may be more accommodating than acceptimg. You may be running the risk of her becoming non-accepting if you continue with this method.

Of course, you know your wife best. If you haven't done so already, it may help if you have a proper talk with her about where you want to go with your CDing.

I came out to my wife on our 2nd or third date. She has always been supportive; but does not want to go out with me. A few years ago I was wearing denim jeggings and she asked me not to. I complied. Fast forward to the present and I now wear them to work and out. She seems ok with that now. I try to go slow and listen to her concerns. I think over the years she has become more understanding and accepting of my feminine side.

This is so hard for us that have been married for years. Wives really are shocked when we come out. What would we do if our wives decided one day that they are wanting to be a man. Grow a beard and all the dumb things we do?

Hi Dan :hugs:, Just be Careful, The Ball is in her Court Now, and try to don't Overwhelm her with this Program,

>>>>>>>>Orchid**0:daydreaming:0**

Dan,

When my wife would be mad about something like shaving my legs or something else, even if I did not do anything else, I believe she would dwell on the the thought for some time - like a week or even longer. Then she would just boil over so I would tread with caution assuming her response is being mad vs being concerned. Natalies post hit home with me because that is one of the things I was hit with. ? what if I started trying to look like a man? ?. I just gave up on any acceptance as a result.

Sandi

I have to agree with Char (#3) to some extent. Many times the husband has progressed so far down the road that the reveal may be the final act; wig, makeup, breast and hip padding, dress and all the proper undergarments. Or, rather than shocking his wife he slowly draws her in, but, he already knows where he has gone.

Others, it may be a slow journey after the reveal. My wife and I started with bedroom "kinky" play; night gown and hosiery. I was content. She did not mind. There were some benefits. We did shop together for my nightgowns. More than a decade later I added a slip and panty. I did not hide those garments in the attic or under the floor boards. They were in my armoire. It was the vivid red Vanity Fair bra that changed all. "Why would a man who has nothing to pack into it wear a bra?" That led to "The Talk." There was a slow change in the dynamics; from kinky to something she could not handle.

I don't think the OP's wife is controlling. Perhaps, she is not on board with his cross dressing, but, it pains her more to see him doing such a poor job of it. "If you're going to do this, do it right!"

Well, I am NO ONE to give marital advice too as I never opened up about me being Candy Kowal, to my wife.
Was engaged twice to women who knew Candice and ultimately broke off the engagement.
She know somethings I do are of a femme nature, knows I've been coddled....small things.
But if I were in this situation that you are in, I might be a little more respectful of her feelings...
STOP! ...your dressing for a while and when she asks if you been dressing behind her back, let her know you stopped out of respect for her and the love you feel for her.
You know she is against this....then you can let her know you can't stop forever but you are thinking about her feelings too.
Just a way of respecting her and you are letting her concerns into the conversation.

Your wife's reaction does seem curious to me, Dan--the almost schizophrenic split between her initial angry reaction and her sudden help with your dressing and makeup. It's as if she's not angry at your dressing per se, only that the way you do it doesn't meet with her approval!

Like others here, I do encourage you to heed Char's advice about not repeatedly trying to push your wife by stages into accepting more and more. Instead, try to be honest with her about where you're going. Or anyway, how far you think you want to go with crossdressing.

Unfortunately we're missing a lot of information on that score. It's not clear for instance whether you've been dressing in secret before you started coming out to your wife, and if so, how far you went with it. From what you said about "finally finding your softer side" after 40 years, I'm guessing that maybe you didn't, and this is all a new discovery for you, an exploration into a hitherto unknown part of yourself! If so, well, it does happen, that some people (like our treasured "Doc") only discover the urge late in life. I notice you're still calling yourself by a male name, suggesting this is new to you as well and you haven't unearthed your "feminine side" far enough to give her a femme name yet. Don't worry; you're free to call yourself whatever you want, and change it if you like.

Anyway my reason for say this is that I'm not clear whether you yourself know where you're going with crossdressing, or where you want to end up. If so, that's a problem that's bound to worry your wife as well. It was really nice of her to give you her panties to wear--such delightful enjoyment of shared intimacy--but I don't even know why she did this. Did you tell her you wanted to wear panties? Did you tell her you wanted to wear her panties? And more to the point, what did she think this all meant at the time, and how far did she think it was going to go?

It's hard to tell what's in a wife's mind, and it's not even necessarily consistent from one time to another. For one thing, as Char and others have warned, a wife's acceptance of one thing doesn't necessarily mean acceptance of another. Accepting daily "underdressing" in panties, for instance, doesn't necessarily mean acceptance of shaving body hair. There are limits. Unfortunately some CDers have found to their cost that just because a wife accepts their wearing of panties, that's not a "green light" to go charging forward, in the immortal words of Admiral David Farragut, "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!" with full female clothing and everything else. On the contrary, you're likely to get torpedoed!

In fact, some wives unexpectedly regress on acceptance of crossdressing, apparently after thinking it over and worrying what it all means. Your wife is only different insofar as she seems to have jumped unexpectedly in the opposite direction, from anger to assistance. But who knows what's going on in her head? She may have thought giving you her panties was "just an act of sharing," and "lingerie"--well, it's "only clothes," after all. So maybe you just have "feminine tastes," or it's all a "mere fetish." Makeup and hair, however, isn't so much a "fetish" as another clear step toward womanhood. Anyway I'm not even sure what "lingerie" includes. A slip or nightgown, quite likely, but probably not a bra. And putting on a bra is like crossing the Rubicon between masculinity and femininity. If (and when) you start feeling the need for a skirt, blouse, and bra--if you haven't already, that is--your wife may very well balk at the bra, just as Stephanie's wife did. So do go carefully with your wife.

And if what she's doing is an "act of dominance" on her part, I would relax and enjoy letting her dominate!

Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and call 'bull' here.

"she was furious, but did my make up".

Either she accepts, or rejects. She isn't going to do both.

The OP is either spinning a fairy tale, or his spouse is gathering ammo for a divorce case.

Hi Dan,
these posts always produce a snowstorm of advice. For what my own snowflake is worth, get professional help.
Sharon x

Dan, what you describe fits my experience, too. She wants to be supportive of me and open minded about sexuality, but then when it comes to her marriage to a guy who didn?t crossdress when she got married, she gets overwhelmed and sometimes gets angry. Too much cognitive dissonance, I suppose.

I completely agree with Char. The drip-drip method without prior discussion and approval of a next step leaves her wondering and feeling very vulnerable. Marriage is supposed to be a sharing and not one person dumping new things on the other out of the blue. That happens naturally enough - we are individuals - but it is best to do that with consideration and communication with the other person. Just the revelation itself can create a bewildering feeling. Progression is OK provided there is communication before and the application of consideration for the other person's feelings. And if she says "No, I don't think that I would like that" believe her and discuss her feelings so you understand and don't turn it into a negotiation of nuclear disarmament.

Shortly after I came out I went to a therapist at a gender identity center. They also offered therapy for family, especially wives or husbands, to help them understand what is happening. It worked pretty well. My wife now understands more but she still has boundaries and has no desire to see the full Gretchen. I understand that and I do not press the issue with the dripping faucet approach.

Even more important than managing the gender expression (dressing) is general behavior. If a part of your identity is female-like whether dressed or not then be that person no matter how you are dressed. My wife likes that I am less strongly masculine than in the past and I am more sensitive, caring and empathic - basically quite a bit more feminine mixed well with the better parts of masculine. I know there will always be limits imposed and that is OK because I respect and love her. So, basically, don't make it all about you but always try to keep in mind how it affects your very best friend and her image of you. What really defines female-like or male-like is not the clothes but the behavior that accompanies that to form an identity that is pleasant to be around.

I think she's working in two modes. Dealing with the moment versus thinking about the overall situation. Like when your kid gets in a situation if they get hurt arrested or whatever there's an immediate something to deal with. Later on you can assess the situation and see what lessons were learned and how you really React to what happened. Maybe there's punishment to be delivered. We all know better don't deliver the punishment In the Heat of the Moment. settle down and decide what's reasonable. maybe that's where she's at. She doesn't know how she feels about all this. that'll come later. for now, you look awful and she had to fix it. No offense. I'm thinking the original poster said the makeup wasn't great?

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Originally Posted by Jodie_Lynn

Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and call 'bull' here.

"she was furious, but did my make up".

Either she accepts, or rejects. She isn't going to do both.

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Jodie Lynn sorry that happened to you
But I find the opposite to be true in most cases .

It really does sound like a GG not knowing and finding out.
They do not like it , upset over deception and generally not thrilled.
BUT
Love their partner and want to show they love them by do by doing makeup, buying panties,.whatever .
We read here the all the time she was accepting cause she bought me such and such .when in truth they love you want to be supportive in their way ?..and we see here many posts how the cd took it as a green light and go into a pink fog .

So some are supportive, some are sorting it out , maybe read the Now I-like it now I do not thread in the loved ones section. ( sticky) ( that section will open up for you after 10 posts)
To the OP be honest with her please read Char GG post in this thread.

Um, Di - don't you mean GREEN light? :heehee:

But I agree with you. "I don't like it, but I love you enough to try to support you" probably describes many wives' reactions. It isn't an automatic OK to go overboard.

Perhaps I was a bit harsh in my assessment, but it may be the wording used by the OP that led to my conclusion.

"Furious" in my mind, is an anger so intense that you want nothing to do with the person your fury is directed at for the time being, no matter how much you love them until you've cooled down. We're not talking "Oh, he forgot to take out the trash. Again!" or left the toilet seat up, level of anger, we are talking 'high crimes & misdemeanors' level of anger. Like finding out he was snogging his secretary at the company Xmas party, or bet the mortgage on a lame pony, or something.

So I ask the GG's here, if you were furious with your husband ( not miffed, annoyed, or P-O'd ), and he asked you to go bowling with him, or serve snacks & drinks at his weekly poker game with the boys, or whatever, would you?

And from the info provided by the OP, it sounds like she gave him an inch, and he took a mile & a quarter.

I truly understand the confusion and anger at the deception on the part of a wife. And it hurts terribly to find out the person you love isn't quite the person you thought they were.

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Originally Posted by SaraLin

Um, Di - don't you mean GREEN light? :heehee:

But I agree with you. "I don't like it, but I love you enough to try to support you" probably describes many wives' reactions. It isn't an automatic OK to go overboard.

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good catch Sara Lin ? I changed it :) Chalk it up to senior moment or blonde moment or maybe both lol Thanks :)