Advice on coming out video message to transphobic dad

Hi everyone. So I’m on 5 months hrt. Some laser hair removal done. I have a growing social circle that I’m out to. Still not out to most relatives, my kids or my dad. I recorded a video message for him. He’s very transphobic. And tho he isn’t hateful I believe he will persist that I’m “choosing” to be trans. And try to talk me out of it. With job choices, money or relationships in the past he has been overbearing and nagged me so I tried to be really clear and explain that Our relationship will suffer if he does that. I also tried to share exactly what it’s loke to be in my position. Please give it a watch and share what you think. The link is below. I just want to make the message as clear as possible. Thanks

https://youtu.be/FDfcnsMmk7E

Ashley, its from the heart, and maybe he will understand that. I hope so. But, might I suggest that you could have made the video in a different place so it didn't look like you were hiding in some type of 'box'. You can bet he will pickup on that immediately and negatively. Good luck!

Understanding and acceptance will come from education and communication. Video is poor substitute for both. Face to face is the best way, daunting though it may be. My parents are gone, but there is still some family that I must eventually face. I can't imagine doing it any other way.

We all come out in our own way. I agree that face to face is the best way to go. It allows for questions to be bridged in real time. A 23 minute video is too long. Too much "stream of consciousness". If you must do a video, script it and keep it as short as possible. You also need to select a different background; the box thing does not work at all.

My therapist has pointed out to me that a person's reaction is all about them and not about you. Let him have his opinions. My father was a drug addict and I chased after his love my entire life. Finally, he threatened to kill me and I decided that I had had enough. I never talked to him again. He died 6 months later. Sad story, but I'm just pointing out that people will choose their path and we need to choose our own.

Ashley I can so identify with you! I do not have an opinion or advice whether or not this video is the right way to relate to your father. I do want encourage you and to say that from the very beginning I saw you as female in appearance and spirit, and especially the way your talk and express yourself and your empathy for your father's situation. You are already there, you are a woman! I think you will have a relatively easy transition, if there is such a thing.

Thank you everyone. I wanted to let you know, the background is from a camper i built and stay in for work on the road. It must look strange lol, but he would recognize that that’s where I was. As far as Face to Face, I agree that it is a good way to go. I just keep thinking of the fact that he will likely jump in and cut me off. We also live very far apart. I will definitely keep all your feedback in mind.

Ashley have you considered a meeting with your Dad with a therapist at their office, to have some semblance of a “referee” in the room? Just a thought; wishing you the best, you are beautiful...

Jamie

Jaime,
We live so far apart it would be impractical. Even so I think that would make him feel trapped. I really feel the video gives him time to digest.

Ashley,
I loved the video. Really. I don't think it is a worse choice to f2f. I came out to my in laws who are very close and live nearby in email format. It helped me to make my message the way I wanted. It was fine. You were thoughtful, sincere. A loving parent should see it how you struggle. Good luck and thanks for sharing.
BTW - your face is very feminine. I was surprise to learn you only 5 months on hrt.

I will offer no comment on the rights or wrongs of how you will "face" your father, you know the best way for YOU, but let him digest things in his own time, just remember that YOU are the important one, when all is said and done, you need to live the life you want to and I don't doubt need to :hugs:

Im pretty strong on the idea of "face to face is better"..maybe better said that its the best case scenario when its an option...

But there are all kinds of different circumstances for different people...and its such a difficult thing there is always the possibility that it goes horribly wrong...


One key component of all this for parents is that is scares them... transphobic thoughts aside...they fear for you...they are t-phobic so they project than you and feel your life is gonna be harder...and I guess in some ways that's true...

so to me its essential they get the message that you are thriving...that your life is better...that even tho they may not buy in, you have to stand tall and make him understand you are going to thrive in your life.... and you may even choose to accept him for his thoughts, and basically let him know you are sorry that he doesnt understand and take a kind of "I'll show you" stance..

one question... do you need anything from him?? financial support, legal or business issues that you share??

It is a good video and as mentioned everyone has their own way for bringing people into their circle and no two ways are alike unless it's a group discussion... I will agree with AnneK, as far as watch the video and take the key points you want to emphasize to make it a little shorter.
The main thing you want him to do is watch it from start to finish and if he doesn't he will miss key points of what you're trying to say.

For me, my mom although very supportive (rest her soul) had me let her tell my father and though supportive, he voiced his opinion that I can't trust these psychiatrist because they will put thoughts in your head... At which point I pointed out that I sought them out and all they did was listen to my story/feelings and just approved for me to take the next steps...

I wish you the best! :)

Ashley, super brave and a wonderful message. Keep talking to us and we will be here for you.

Maybe bringing your wife and offspring in on the issue before approaching your father is a good idea. They will have to know eventually.

Where I live, sex and gender status are not acceptable reasons to deny or restrict access to children. There has to be a 'lack of fitness to parent' determination by a licensed mental health professional for this to happen.

I think this video is great! Good on you.

This may be because I was around before video, youtube and email, but I think something as important as this deserves a face to face meeting. You and your father in the same room looking at each other and touching as necessary. Yes, it might be difficult, but he is your father and deserves this.

I would suggest a script or at very least an outline of one. You need to get your major points across as expeditiously as you can in order to keep the focus on what you want him to understand; frankly,a half-hour video will likely have him zoning out or stop listening pretty quick, so get your major points across quickly and elaborate after you've grabbed his attention.

In person or not at all. Given your growing circle, don’t wait too long or it’s going to come to him through back channels.

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Originally Posted by Anne K

We all come out in our own way. I agree that face to face is the best way to go. It allows for questions to be bridged in real time. A 23 minute video is too long. Too much "stream of consciousness". If you must do a video, script it and keep it as short as possible. You also need to select a different background; the box thing does not work at all.

My therapist has pointed out to me that a person's reaction is all about them and not about you. Let him have his opinions. My father was a drug addict and I chased after his love my entire life. Finally, he threatened to kill me and I decided that I had had enough. I never talked to him again. He died 6 months later. Sad story, but I'm just pointing out that people will choose their path and we need to choose our own.

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i know i never post in this section but the background, you smoking, and the apology for it just come off as not genuine, i could not watch the whole thing, i always tell folks to keep a letter or video in their stash, very least a letter, wright a script keep it positive, you must have some positive memories with dad then your kids and so on, you have to do what is comfortable for you....if you decide an video....not that one....i have a letter in my closet full of things for my wife(she knows about my trans side) and also one for my son, (i think he knows)

ashley do what works for you....i have seen some amazing results with parents of trans folks at p-flag meetings but they are mostly FtM and younger aged peeps.
i wish you well for all involved.....