Just Right Porridge

There have been several posts in the last week or so which touch on the ?Going out? question. Now for me this has more significance as I?m sure many of you will know every year I offer the chance for those wishing to either go out for the first time or who wish to meet others from the community face to face in a safe environment the opportunity to do so in Manchester?s Gay Village.

I read posts from newbies saying they?re working towards going out, those asking about safe places yet it often doesn?t translate into an actual deed. So I guess my question is, what is the Goldilocks situation, the one where all the boxes are ticked, everything lines up, all is good to go that those who say they want the chance to go out need for it to happen? The time the porridge is just right.

Look I know they are so many factors, DADT relationships, time and distance (wrong side of the pond!), the cost, work. All these are factors but if you are going to step out how will you know the right time?

I ask because I?d like to help others experience some of the things that I?ve experienced and have brought great happiness and satisfaction into my life. Others helped me, I feel I have a duty to help others.

Thankfully I don?t think I?ve had a year when at least one didn?t take up my offer so I wasn?t left sitting like a jilted bride but anything I can do to make my offer more tempting (No, I?m not offering cash prises!) I?d love to know what that is. What's keeping you behind the door?

And just in case you?ve no idea about what I?m referencing to, see the ?Debs and Helen Cordially..? post in the Places to Go section

I'm on the wrong side of the pond to meet with you; but, I think your offer is a wonderful way to "pay it forward" for the help you once received. BTW, in about an hour I'll be leaving the house, with my wife's agreement, for my truly 1st venture introducing Heather to the public at large. If it goes as I hope, I will ask her agreement for more Heather outings. I'm fairly certain once the cat is out of the bag, it won't want to be restrained all the time.

For me, "just right" is when/where there's no crossover between my two lives. That's changed a little bit over the last several years, but even those few exceptions aren't as comfortable as when there's complete separation.

I started going out as a teenager, long before the internet and long before there was a good way to meet others like me. I, of course, didn't want anybody (except my wife) to know I had a girl side, and if I could help it I didn't want people who knew my girl side to know I had a boy side. I've even been very reluctant to meet others from this forum. That's a collision between my two worlds that I'm uncomfortable with.

Going out isn't quite as lonely as it sounds. I was out often enough and to the same places often enough that I made "friends", or at least people who knew me (as a girl, trans, whatever) that we could have a conversation. For me, the top of the list was hairdressers and the other women in the salon. Next was my makeup lady. I usually wore Merle Norman but because I liked the privacy of the stand alone stores. I used Ulta and Sephora and the makeup counters at Dillard's and the knew me, but I became pretty close to my Merle Norman ladies. The sales associates in the stores I went to most often were next on the list, and down from there were waitresses. Over time you develop a community. Certainly a comfort zone.

This is a process, although I never thought of it that way when I was doing it. When you go out often, it just happens. Going out alone isn't just about being somewhere/anywhere in your preferred mode and catching your reflection in the windows. Over time you develop an identity and life. In my case, it was an internal struggle to come back to reality. My girl side was too idyllic. My girl side didn't have to deal with any of the real issues of "normal" life. No job to worry about, no bills to pay, no responsibilities to anyone else. People have problems calling it an addiction, but whatever it is you want to do it more and more and in a bigger and bigger way.

That's probably more information than you were asking for, but that's my porridge recipe.

Helen,

I think a lot of CD's have very valid concerns about going out in public en femme such as divorce, alienation from children & family, loss of employment, losing friends etc. It is a very big step for a CD to go from just occasionally putting on some lingerie or a dress to stepping out in public and needing to blend in as a woman in a wide variety of situations. It can be extremely intimidating for some.

I love how you are offering to help in any way you can and I hope you have success in your efforts.

Best,
Fiona

Wow, its been a dozen years since I first ventured out. Looking back, what got me out the door was my need to do it, come hell or high water. Turned out there was neither hell nor high water?just a lot of fun in getting out and meeting people in what I came to feel was a a happier me.

Yes please come and join us in Manchester, You will be well looked after, and have an amazing experience with myself and Helen, its a golden opportunity to step out into the big wide world, Im staying overnight, so I am happy for you to use my hotel room to get changed or freshen up. I will wait downstairs in the bar by the way while you get ready, lol and will help you with makeup if required. The more of us the merrier

Like Kimdl93 once I made up my mind to go out dressed there was no turning back it was a incredible experience.